completelyconfused Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 I have been reading threads for the passed couple of weeks, in hopes that I wouldn't have to post my own LONG story on here and that I would be able to gain some insight from others. However the truth is, everyones story is so different.... My rendez-vous with the MM began steadily about a year ago. The weird thing is that this "affair" was never suppose to end this way. I have a boyfriend who I have been with for the passed 3 years and he has been married for the passed 2 years with no kids. We started out as friends we worked in the same place for a little while and we talked and hung out as friends, nothing more. But I should have known that when a woman and a man find each other even a bit attractive something is bound to happen, when you spend time together. So we kept hanging out even after we didn't work together anymore and before I knew it I felt that this was more than friendship, we ended up hanging out one night and one thing led to another and before I really wanted to I was having a good time with someone elses H. At that point I tried to let go but it was already too late. As much as I tried it was so difficult. I tried NC for about a month at one point and he wouldn't let me live it down with the texts and the phone calls. Slowly I fell back in the same hole, because I knew that I would miss him down the line. Thinking back now I never wanted to hurt anyone, the W if she would have found out or myself but unfortunately this is what this type of stuff does, it always ends up hurting someone. So we continued having a "relationship." We saw each other almost weekly, we spoke on the phone daily at least once, there would be texting, IM's, there was always some sort of communication with us. This has gone on for about a year. Now all of a sudden a couple of weeks ago he drops the bomb that he is getting a divorce and that the M is over. We never talked about him leaving his W for me or that I would leave my boyfriend for him. So this was a bit weird for me to hear because I'm thinking what is going to happen with us. In a way I was kind of relieved I thought well at least I wont be the OW anymore. But all along I'm thinking I'm not going to leave my boyfriend, because in some sort of weird way I can say I do love the guy. After he told me that he was getting a divorce things remained the same with us for a while. We continued to communicate and see each other... Then one day he tells me that he needs time, and he needs me to be understanding and give him space and leave hinm alone for a while. And I'm thinking to myself what the heck just happened? We were fine yesterday and now all of a sudden you want me to hold on and not talk to you? That really hurt that he would give me such an answer, and then to top it all off I asked him if everything was okay with us and he said he didn't know that he needed time, that with the whole divorce thing he was going through alot right now. When he told me that I told him I wouldn't wait for him, and never to call me or look for me again. I didn't want to wait around for him to turnm around one day and then tell me we were over and that he never wanted to see me again. In the mean time my boyfriend is sitting on the sidelines with no clue of this happening. Because when I'm with him he makes me happy, although there are times when I will still think of MM. I feel really bad for everything and everyone involved in this including his wife and my boyfriend who are two innocent parties with no clue of whats happening. Now here is where I'm falling apart its been about 2 weeks with NC and I miss him SO much. I want to call him, I want to know what he's up to. And I know that the sane answer would be why? It's been 2 weeks I've gotten this far, but it's so difficult...How can someone that was so important to you at one point be so insignificant now. Everyday has been difficult some more than others, but at the end they've all had there moments. I don't know what to do?? Should i call him and see what he has been up to?? Should I just drop it and never talk to him again?? I know in my heart that the best thing to do is never talk to him again, but I really miss him. Which is all I want to know from him, does he miss me yet?
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 YOu're addicted to the feelings he brings out in you. That crush feeling. Well, now that his marriage is over, it's a threat to you, more real. And to him. Remember, he's asked you to leave him be, I'm sure he has some pain and healing to go through after his marriage ending. Don't take that personally, it's not about you. This is HIS life, his pain and his marriage, his wife. Not your stuff with him. Respect his wishes, leave him alone. Take this time to figure out what is missing from your own relationship. Why you allowed yourself to fall for another man, when you're already with someone who loves you. Maybe it's time you and your boyfriend talk about what you both want. Marriage? Kids? A future? The MM is history, so let him be. He needs time and honestly, you wondering if he misses you is only for ego reasons...Seeing as you say you have no intention of ending your relationship with your current man...What is the point of knowing what the MM feels for you or not? Just giving you some stuff to think about. You do have good insight into your situation, so just be strong and know that the best for you (and him and actually your boyfriend) is to stay in no contact mode with the MM.
casoria99 Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 It's hard to be in this because you might feel resonsible for what is happening with this man's marriage. At least to some degree. But it sounds like the marriage was on the rocks for a long time anyway. So count your blessings that you do have a boyfriend that loves you. Work on yourself! YOURSELF as much as possible! It's all about you in the end. Love yourself.
Sami_D Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 I think you over-reacted to his (very reasonable) request for time to sort his head out while he divorces. He needs that time to come to terms with what is happening in his life. Divorce is never easy, even after a short marriage with no children. He is doing the right thing (for him) in taking time to concentrate on what is happening. Having said that, it may be that he doesn't want to continue anything further with you. It isn't rare that a MM ends up divorced, but not with the OW... sometimes it just doesn't work out. But either way, I don't see any harm in you contacting him to see what the score is. You could explain you were shocked by his news, etc. If he still needs time alone, then fine... you can give him that, and if it suits you, go NC again. If not, I think you'll always be wondering. Because being in NC isn't a magical cure-all for wondering and hoping and regretting. Sometimes we need to communicate, and get the facts straight, in order to move on. What do you think?
Meaplus3 Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 I must tell you that I really feel for you! I know how it feels to have N/C and it's very difficult! I will say this, it does get better as time passes. For me it's been 1 week of N/C, via phone and 8 weeks of N/C in person and it's been very tough, but I find it getting easier as each day passes. It seems like the more I stay away the better I can put this affair into perspective and realize that it was wrong and can not continue. I am not telling you to not continue but I would try to stick with N/C so you are better able to think thing's through. Good Luck.
Author completelyconfused Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 Thank you everyone for your insight so far...believe it or not in the couple of posts that I have receive I have put a couple of things in perspective. Sami D....You're right NC is not a way to cure everything. But I guess I just don't want to go back to having all my feeling on the surface for him and what if he then pushes me away. I just don't know if I can really be his friend right now when I care about him for something more. However I do feel a bit guilty now because you're right I wasn't understanding to his situation. I wish i could just tell him that I'm sorry but I was shocked and hurt at his response. But you're right if I don't talk to him now I will always be wondering or at least for now what maybe would have happened if I would have been more understanding and if I would have been there for him instead of just walking away. Answerplease37....I feel your pain! NC is extremely difficut!!! I have not seen him in 4 weeks exactly and I haven't talked to him in 3 weeks. But I miss him....I just want to see his beautiful smile. And youre right within the time that we have not seen each other or had NC I have put some parts together about this whole A, but sad to say I still want him back. And now reading what Sami D says I even feel guilty for walking out on him when he said he needed time instead of just waiting for him or being there for him. I just feel like my heart is torn in two...I wish I could be there for him and help him through his rough times with whatever he needed, whether it'd be time, a friend, a companion, whatever. But at the same time i think to myself I can't be his friend, i care too much. I can't sit around patiently hoping that at the end he'll come back to me because what if he doesn't?? then what?? I will be so hurt and dissapointed. All in all now I wish I could just apologize for everything I said about leaving me alone and never talking to me again during a drunk phone call might I add...at least it was the truth because as we all now sober thoughts are drunk words...I wish I could say I'm sorry but it might be too late or is it not???
norajane Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 I fail to see what you need to apologize about. You need to focus on YOURSELF. Your MM is focusing on himself, and he doesn't seem to be concerned about you, so why are you soooo worried about how he's doing? Your boyfriend should also be your priority. If he's not (and it sounds like's he's not even number 3 on your list), you should break up with him so HE can find someone who's not going to cheat on him from day 1. He deserves better than a cheating girlfriend. You are being so unfair to him, and yet you don't seem the least bit concerned about HIS feelings, just your MM's.
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