trebon Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 ok heres a long story for you. My girlfriend and I were together for just over five years and we were both almost finished our degrees and were plannign to move out together,etc. We were a great couple but she is about an inch and a half taller and that has always bugged her. Then from out of nowhere she (the one who has been most proactive in househunting etc) say she needs time apart to find what she wants and tht we are still together but need to have space. I gave her that space but then find out she's sleeping with someone we knew from sixth form when they got talking 'by chance'. He's a player and i warned her as shes' very clean cut - doesnt drink much, doesnt smoke, hates slutty behavoior, bed at half 9. but it lasted a month (during which she offically statred dating him and thereby dumped me) she was basically used for sex and ignored the rest of the time. She tried to act like him and statred to smoke in the vague hope that he'd like her (She even suggested getting boob implants 'cos he said he prefered girls with bigger boobs!)and then he said he wanted a break and hasn't spoken to her since so they are kinda together kinda not. Ok? Then, she still won't get back with me as she needs space but does still love me - just needs time but will be back! She's going out and drinknig with her brother and sister and having a good time to get over the player. I get messages form her tht she feels ashamed and slutty for what she's done. No more guys, just time with her friends. Then when they get home she says she got drunk and was pulling guys. She felt ashamed and obviously it hurt me again, but anyway. It carries on... 2 nights later she does it again, only with her brothers best friend - she wasnt drunk. This makes her brother angry and they all fall out. Now he's had a snog he's going for it and asking her out for drinks and chats and seeing if they can start a relationship. She tells me she doesnt want to but might because theres noone else and she wants to feel loved. Meanwhile, now almost three months since this came from nowhere, i screwed up my exams cos i found out in exam week and lost my head. I cant find a job and she is unhappy with me for crying sometimes when i see her because it makes her sad and so is putting a very hostile distance between us. Im going to collect my first batch of ant depressants tomorrow. I gave up so much to stick around with the first guy and im feeling toyed with now... But the worst thing is I know she really does love me, she always wants more than wot she's got and she thinks there is more - a perfect guy who cares like i do but looks better. I know she wont find it and will prob settle for a compromise without me but what do i do in the mean time? I mean if there's a chance I should wait, right? "let her go, if she comes back..." ?!!?! (BTW I have no other friends becasue they were nasty to her in sixthform so i took her side and ever since haven't got close to people so she doesnt get upset, which was fine by both of us until allthis happened) Please help me!
AriaIncognito Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 I honestly think this has NOTHING to do with your height difference. I'm assuming you're under average height for a male? Anyway. My last boyfriend was a tad shorter than I, and I'm 5 foot 4 inches. When I first met him, I thought I'd never be attracted, but honestly, I got over the height thing after like 2 dates, and he was a wonderful person and everything he had to offer far outweighed any lack he had in height. I'd think if she were with you for that long, she wasn't that obsessed with the height thing. It sounds as if she wants to sow her oats and do her thing and keep you stringing along while she does it. You shouldn't settle for this for yourself. Move on. Find someone else, or just learn to live life as a happy single man. Either way, being her puppet will do nothing but elogate your healing time. You need to just get away from her, do no contact (i know, it sucks, i'm on day 14 of mine currently with the guy mentioned above - he left me saying we're too compatible - whatever). It sucks but you can do it. Hang in there, Jennifer
bendit Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Sorry you are going through this Trebon. You're in a bit of a fog. You are accepting things in your mate that very very few people would accept. This is not "loving" behavior she shows. She is treating you with disdain and no respect. You are tolerating her "intolerable" behavior. You're not acting like a prize catch. You're acting like a doormat. Find a woman who likes your looks, who doesn't devalue you and tells you that you don't meet her standards. You let her do anything she wants and then take her back without consequences. You let her sleep around at her whim, then take her back no questions asked. She uses you. She goes out and has her fun and then when its over she comes back to old reliable (you) and you accept her because you don't think you can do better. Or you think this person is the only one for you in this big wide world of ours. She isn't. She is not a PRIZE. This will continue unless you change because she has no incentive to change. Why would she? She has a perfect setup because you allow her to do anything and everything with no consequences, then take her back. She calls the shots. You exist for her amusement. Why do you accept so little for yourself? Why don't you think you deserve a real girlfriend who loves you and respects you? Why do you want a woman who DEvalues you? Love is as love does. She can say she loves you but its actions that speak, not words. And her actions do not speak of love. They speak of using you, of disrespecting you, of devaluing you as a human. This woman is no prize. She really isn't ready for a commitment, or to even have a serious boyfriend. Why do you accept other men having your woman sexually? Do you think about what these men are doing to your G/F and what she is doing to them, while you sit at home reading emails? Why do you allow this? This is not something that is normal in loving relationships, yet you let her do this to you and then you take her back, only to have her do it again to you. You feel awful now, because deep down you know this is not right, you know she is treating you like you don't matter, that she devalues you as a man. But you don't have the personal power to change things and remove yourself from the situation so you can heal. You need to detach from this person and get some space so you can think about what the truth of this relationship is. You need to talk to family and friends and a counselor and tell them everything, what you have done and what she has done. Ask them if they think this is normal. Ask yourself what you would tell your brother if he told you his G/F was doing this to him. There are women out there who won't do this to you. They will know themselves and know that you don't do these things to your boyfriend. You need to let this woman go and let her figure her own life out. She has plenty of things to work out and she isn't going to be a good G/F while she is "working" them out. Your life is in turmoil because of this relationship, this toxic relationship you are involved in. Your life won't get better until you fix this problem. You won't have a successful relationship with her, she is not capable right now. So you should let her go so you can think and try and understand why you accept this kind of behaviour from your G/F. Its something in you that allows a person to use you, devalue you, and disrespect you in the worst way imaginable. Please detach from her and think and understand yourself better. When you do you will discover that relationships don't have to be this way. They can be so much better, so much healthier. You deserve that. But YOU have to make that decision. You have to realize what you have tolerated. You have to realize that the one you chose to be your G/F is not capable of being loving warm kind and faithful to you. Please think about what I have said. Please take ACTION. Only you can fix this. Best of luck. regards
Author trebon Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 Thank you for your comments, Im really appreciative of your help. firstly, as an aside Jennifer, I am 5 foot 8, she is 5'11'' but i have limp so i seldom stand up fully straight and instead used to walk on tiptoes to try and redress the balance. She is a sweet and loving girl but is very foolish and wants what she cant have,is easily led, always strives for better than she's got and wants to be the best - in every sense, not just relationships. I knew that from the start and we were able to make a joke of my height, but I can see it really did get her down as she felt like the odd one out when we were with other couples. I feel to blame for the situation a little in the sense that we were onyl 15 when we got into the relationship and so all through her late teens and university life she has missed out on everything else and has never had any other proper relationship, that was becasue she was held back, and I can almost see why she wanted some space to make sure that she was going to be able to commit to me and be happy with our lot, it just hurts that now shes tried one, she wants to keep going. I can't do anything to stop this because if i complain itl push her to them, but if i let her continue then she will completely disregard me. Its harder because we aren't together anymore bcasue i have no relationship to end as such and nothign to hold over her and make her think. She has told me that if I make deadlines for her to come back and she isnt ready then she just wont, but on the same hand she seems convinced that we will be together in the end and so its ok because its her last moments of freedom. bendit, thank you also, I think it is the inital detatchment that came when she first left me as that has made me so fragile. I can see she still cares and we still hug and kiss with a real fire (as friends, there hasn't been any snogging... yet) and if I dont talk to her for a while, like when im driving, she txts to make sure i am ok. we even phone each other for goodnight and good morning and still she wants a distance. If we have a good day toghether and sit and chat she says things like, 'ive got some new underwear that you will love - im saving it for when we get back together.' and the thing is she actually is. Its been in her cupboard for over a month now with the labels still on! Ive decided to try and push myself forward and give her a final chance to prvoe she cares. I am getting a haircut, getting a new job and startign to rebuild my life technicaly. Once I have done this there is literally no more I can do for her thank you for listening - it means so much to have people support you
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