Author UnknowingOW Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 Trimmer...you are right. Long-term friendship (told from the beginning he was divorced)5-years of friends, originally began as someone I dated, mentoring, and trusting, some minor flirtingStepped over the line in May this yearFound out (by background search) he was in fact still married June this yearLearned he was separated since Dec 2005Stated that I was ok with where we where as long as he was honest with me.Stated if you chose to work on your marriage I will leave the realtionship. (not fair to me, her or him if I were in the picture. As I repeated to him, I will not be a distraction in your marriage)LIED again when I realized he was back home and when I confronted the he said...I didn't want to lose you...I never want to lose you. I didn't want you upset while I was working on this.And getting through to this point made me question to tell her or not.I am fine with him going back. I told him to go back. And I told him my conditions to our relationship...thanks Trimmer...I haven't been to clear about things lately. Yes, Alpha's irony caught my eye too...you can only believe what you read and what you are told. And I cannot do it. I will not do it. I will never hurt someone as I have been hurt.
silktricks Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 FYI, I find it amusing how people react to this question. That it's okay to hurt one person but not the other nor their family. What makes us so different that we can be hurt but they cannot? Funny how people react to that... Unknowing - I haven't posted yet on this thread, but for the most part agreed with the comments. I'm glad (as a BS) that you have chosen not to tell his wife. Don't get me wrong, I think she deserves to know, in fact needs to know, but for YOU to be the one to tell her, that would give both of you unnecessary anguish. That said, I really think you've misunderstood the opinions posted here. The suggestions have not been that you deserve pain and he or she do not. You do NOT deserve pain. The point, in my opinion, is that you also do not deserve the pain that would result from telling her. As WWIU said the best revenge is living well. Live well. Be happy. Forget the creep and go on with YOUR life. Don't let him suck you down into treating others badly along with him. Best of luck to you from an exBS.
Author UnknowingOW Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 That said, I really think you've misunderstood the opinions posted here. The suggestions have not been that you deserve pain and he or she do not. You do NOT deserve pain. The point, in my opinion, is that you also do not deserve the pain that would result from telling her. Silk, I got the point...it's all fresh and me venting. Like I said, I could not do that to someone...not in my character. It would cause me more pain to hurt someone then to get if off my heart. I'm moving forward making progress each day. I'm tried, and my head hurts from all this, but I know in time it will all get better. Thanks.
newbby Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 That said, I really think you've misunderstood the opinions posted here. The suggestions have not been that you deserve pain and he or she do not. You do NOT deserve pain. The point, in my opinion, is that you also do not deserve the pain that would result from telling her. i disagree, i think trimmer nailed it, alot of the comments here seemed to strongly suggest that she had no right for anything from this mm, and that parts of his life were none of her business. i still say he made it her business when he began the relationship and her relationship with him depended on which parts of it were true or not. she also had a right to the truth (at least) from him.
Guest Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 I am in a similar situation. I think that you should tell the wife. I think anyone that is in the BS shoes should know. I even met with the OW and she lied to my face. Then she takes me to court and still lied. Then I found all kinds of proof while digging to prove I knew what I was talking about. I think it would be much eaiser if someone told her and was honest about it. JMO...
silktricks Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Someone, yes. Absolutely. But the OW? No, no, no, no, and NO. That could be dangerous for either or both of them. Physically dangerous. You simply cannot know how a wife will react to that type of information from the person involved with your husband.
Author UnknowingOW Posted July 27, 2006 Author Posted July 27, 2006 LOL...yeah, I value my life to much. Would hate to see my dog in bunny boil scene (hate that movie BTW) from a really mad BS. Actually, I don't think he could fit in the pot...That wasn't meant to offend anyone. Silk, here's my 2cent for what it's worth. The truth will always come out. I am the type of person who know intutiviely when someone very close to me is lying. I caught my ex H this way. My Ex F this way and now the Ex MM. I have no problems reserching to find the truth, and have used some of Chump's methods...back in early 2003. But the point is, if you are emotionally tied to someone you know when they are feeding you lies...it's that barometer that goes off in our heart and head that something is seriously wrong. I wonder how many BS have felt this? I know I did when I was the BS.
JamesM Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 UnknowingOW, would you have wanted the OW to tell you? Would you have wanted someone to tell you? Let this be your guide. Personally, if he was seperated, then there is a little more leeway if he became involved from the wife's side, I would think. Maybe not acceptable. But if he lied to you and her, then he will continue to lie to her. Should she not know...which she may already suspect? My other thought is that have there been other OW for this MM? My guess is yes. SO, again, would she not want to know? However, having said that, both are about 60ish, I am guessing. She may rather try to pursue this reconciliation without knowing too much. Anyhow, good luck. You deserve better.
Trimmer Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 You know, this question of "would you want to know if your spouse was cheating..." has come up before (See a thread here for one example.) In that thread, I'm pretty sure I chimed in with "yes, as a BS (and I am one...) I'd want to know, rather than being kept in the dark." But in view of my comments in that thread, now I'm trying to reconcile my feeling that UOW shouldn't tell, and I think I've figured it out... The issue for me really breaks down into two slightly different questions. If you ask me: "I know about the affair and I feel like I want to tell the BS; is this ethically/morally OK?" my answer is generally yes, if you are inclined to tell, then as a BS I would generally want to know (questions of exactly who delivers the news aside for the moment...) But asking it in the opposite way is different: "I know about it and I have reasons that I don't want to get involved;is this ethically/morally OK, or do I have an obligation?" In this case, if you have reasons not to tell (like UOW needing to keep her distance from the situation for her own healing) then I feel like you are OK to stay out of it. I feel this way because I believe the one person who has the obligation to tell the truth to the BS is the WS. Anyone else is secondary to their marriage, reconciliation, and potential recovery. So again, in the general case, if someone thinks they can truly help the BS by filling her in (and that's a can of worms anyway) I might say they could go ahead and line up on her side and fill her in. However in this case, where UOW has valid reasons for staying out of it, I maintain that her first obligation is to herself and her healing (which I reiterate is likely to be helped more by keeping her distance) and that just because the MM is shirking his primary obligation to tell his wife the truth, this doesn't shift that obligation onto the shoulders of UOW.
justice Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Being a W in a somewhat similar situation, I think that if you could go to her and if she was a reasonable person and the two of you could talk without really getting into a confrontation, it would be a good thing. I wish the OW in my life could have come to me and talked it out, I might have been angry but I would have been willing to listen to her side of things and would have made a decision based on partially what she thought and said. If you do go to her, try to be as calm as possible, this is a very tender and volatile situation and unless you really know her you have no way of knowing how she will react. Also, your MM may react badly to the two of you talking. But if you think talking to her and telling her will help and it's something you feel strongly about then I would go to her. Just be careful.
justice Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 I understand your motives for telling the W. Honesty is the most important thing and I really wish the ow here would have been calm and honest with me. If your motives are honesty as they seem to be, that is an admirable thing. Hugs, you have real courage.
thelilorfn Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 The impression I have gotten from what you have written is that you were drafted into the position of the OW. As such, I would suggest that you contact the W. This MM is quite the pro to be able to fool not only his W but also you for 5 yrs. Telling the W will not only preserve your integrity, it will give her a fighting chance.
Author UnknowingOW Posted July 28, 2006 Author Posted July 28, 2006 Drafted..yeah I guess you could say that...unknowlingly. ha ha I'll tell you all what the best approach is...do nothing....walk away...hold your head up....and never look back. Learn from your mistakes, ask all the questions (which I did do) and research it just to make absolutely sure.
ladyzero Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Hi there, I'm a MW, in a similar situation. I'm in love with MM who has decided to give it his all to fix his marriage. Luckily for me, he was and always has been honest with me. But I know from experience how painful this has to be for you, not only to find out he was lying, but watch him go back to her. Though I gladly stepped aside, I'm only now able to reconcile that "I love you" to me means less somehow (I recall seeing that in one of your responses). I'm the OW, after all. If it makes you feel any better, I've come to the realization that that is/was just an emotional reaction. Not wrong, but not exactly it, either. I've come to realize lately that the entire thing is eating him up inside--our relationship, knowing he said vows with her but also knowing that he loves me more than he does her, having to give me up. We're friends first, in what tends to be very lonely marriages. And he knew he had to choose, he couldn't go on the way he was b/c it was killing him. But he pulled away from me long before I finally got him to admit he wanted to work on his marriage again. I'm staying away, for exactly reasons you've stated--I don't want to be a distraction in his marriage while he's trying to piece it back together. But he doesn't want to let me go, needs to know that I'm there, at least in friendship, so he checks in with me every now and then. Anyway, I'm rambling and not sure I'm making sense. I'm having trouble gathering my thoughts. lol The point was, I've learned that things aren't always black and white. I am sorry he lied, but if it makes you feel any better, in some small way eases your pain, he might just treasure the friend he's found in you. It wasn't right, what he did, but maybe he did for exactly the reason he said; simply b/c he was afraid of losing you. I know the pain and severe loneliness of being in a marriage with problems. Sometimes you need to reach out and grab onto a lifeline because you feel as if you're drowning. Anyway, I'm definitely not saying that hurting you or lying to you was right; he knew the conditions you'd set and broke them. Just thought I'd offer you this in hopes that maybe it will help you to find some peace within yourself. (((((HUGS)))) to you LZ
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