Darkwall Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 My boyfriend of 1 1/2 yrs is a very quiet person so it's difficult for me to get to the bottom of what I'm feeling. Lately, actually for awhile now I feel as though he's not into me. I feel like anything goes. It doesn't seem as though he goes out of his way to make me a priority. I work hard at always trying to build the relationship and to keep it alive. It feels like I'm doing all the work. He is not great at showing emotion. Our sex life is pretty normal I guess except for the fact that I'm the one with the stronger sex drive. There's no pillow talk and I seem to be the one initiating cuddling and encore's. We've spoken about this re-accuring problem two other times which is why I am at my wits and have told him I need positive convincing that he does love me OR I don't know if I can go on with this relationship. Since that talk he hasn't brought up the subject or made quality time together. I know... you're asking yourselves so why does that make him gay? It doesn't. But, why does my gut feeling tell me so? I don't know what other info to feed you to get a better reply.
Guest Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 I have the same problem but i know my boy friend isn't gay. The distance between us seems to have grown wide. I dont think your boyfriend is gay, but probably has commitment fears or something similar, or just isn't ready for a serious relationship. Hope some of this advice is useful
Guest Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 he asked me to watch broke back mountain 3 times. I wondered why. He said "well... it won an oscar and I'm curious to see it". But, every other man I know is dead set against seeing it. "Fine he says... we won't watch it." ALSO... if he assures me he loves me and wants to plan a future together don't you think he would make a stronger effort at talking to me about why I feel so alone and rejected by him by his lack of communication and affection. I swear if I don't hug him first he won't hug me. SOMETIMES he drives away without even giving me a good night kiss.
burning 4 revenge Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 my ex-gf kept insisting (and to this day still does) that i was gay ,because i didn't like having sex with her and i liked going to a transvestite bar and making out with some of the drag queens. i also loved brokeback mountain, but hey, so did she, and it was a friggin great movie
Outcast Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Maybe he's just not that into you. Why decide he's gay because he likes a movie? The scenery was fantastic, as was the music. And he probably had to watch it three times to figure out what the heck the mumblin' metros were saying
burning 4 revenge Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Here is an e-mail from my ex-gf from today 7/20 I'm not Jewish you stupid idiot. So her ass was great....how was her dick? You don't even like me that way, because you are GAY! When are you going to get it through your head? GAY!GAY!GAY! So you see love, your'e not the only one with doubts
Author Darkwall Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 thanks guys for your input. I haven't decided he's gay because of a movie or the lack of affection. I guess it's because he insists he's crazy about me. If what you say is true and he just isn't that into me which by the way I've asked him and he thinks it's a crazy notion... then why is HE still with ME? I've failed to mention the fact that I love him. I do. I just want to feel like he does even though he doesn't show it. There are a couple of instances that occured throughout our relationship that led me to believe my assumptions. Maybe because I couldn't find any other reason for It I don't know. I've talked to him about this and suggested maybe we're not meant to be together and his answer was... If you feel that way. But he didn't confirm or deny that's what should happen. Is he just feeling shot down and doesn't know what to say because he doesn't want to be the dumpee?
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Romance and sexual desire slow down eventually in a relationship. So, work at it and MAKE it all happen again. He says he's crazy about you, he just may not show it in the way you want him to... Keep talking to him, tell him your needs...Let him know that you're willing to work at this as long as he is too. He didn't confirm or deny because he's content with how things are! He may not feel that there's anything wrong at his end..Though with that being said, obviously you're not as happy as you used to be - Because of that - He should be making more efforts to please you.
Author Darkwall Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 I am working very hard at it and trying to "MAKE" it all happen again. I've explained how I want him to. I'm not trying to change him just to get him to work a little. He says he is happy how things are and thinks everything is great in the bedroom. So, doesn't he get the signs... when I'm not showing as much excitement? "He didn't confirm or deny because he's content with how things are! He may not feel that there's anything wrong at his end.." EXACTLY! I've talked to him about this that I feel it's a little awkward he doesn't see any kind of problem. He must recognize that I'm not as charming or go lucky happy as I used to be. He must. He's called me grumpy a few times lately. HELLO!? I feel like I'm dating myself. Like I'm the only one in this relationship. Feels more like dating than being in a relationship. Maybe, if I just become a post... with no expression, no contribution to the relatnsp, and just wait for him to do all the work in bed... he then might feel like a loner in this thing called a relationship. Ya right. He's so damn blind it's driving me mental. Thank god for LS because my friends just think I'm expecting too much. I don't think so!!!
hotgurl Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 my ex-gf kept insisting (and to this day still does) that i was gay ,because i didn't like having sex with her and i liked going to a transvestite bar and making out with some of the drag queens. i also loved brokeback mountain, but hey, so did she, and it was a friggin great movie I you make out with drag queens doesn't that at least make you bi?
Author Darkwall Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 hotgurl, what are you trying to tell me or ask me? I think if one does make out with drag queens that probably does classify them as bi. I'm not bitchy or aggressive. At least that's what i think you're telling me. I'm frustrated. Emotionally and even sexually. hotgurl... please elaborate.
hotgurl Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 hotgurl, what are you trying to tell me or ask me? I think if one does make out with drag queens that probably does classify them as bi. I'm not bitchy or aggressive. At least that's what i think you're telling me. I'm frustrated. Emotionally and even sexually. hotgurl... please elaborate. I was asking burning for revenge a question. I don't think you BF is gay. Maybe he just has less of a sex drive than you (it's not uncommon) and he seems to not be as affectionate as you need him to be. Has this always been the case? Or has this happened recently. Maybe he is taking you for granted a little bit or you guys have hit a slump. either way it's more concering that after you have expressed yourself to him he has done nothing.
Buttaflyy Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Here is an e-mail from my ex-gf from today 7/20 I'm not Jewish you stupid idiot. So her ass was great....how was her dick? You don't even like me that way, because you are GAY! When are you going to get it through your head? GAY!GAY!GAY! So you see love, your'e not the only one with doubts Dude! I think you're gay too. Are you denying it? OP. I don't think that you've given any real explanation to why he is gay. It sounds like you guys are incompatible, but I don't think he's gay from what you said. BTW, plenty of women have higher sex drives than their men. It's frustrating I know. GRRRRRRRRR!
Author Darkwall Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 "I was asking burning for revenge a question." I thought so, but, just checking. I agree with you on that. At least, if I knew my bf was doing something like that then I would at least know what to do. End it. Immediately! No offense to anyone. But, being a heterosexual... I want nothing less or more than a heterosexual. I would be devastated to learn years later that I'v'e been wasting my time. Or even being used as a cover. I would die if I ended up alone with probably 2 kids and have to start all over again. That's not fair. For anyone. That's a whole other topic. This has always been the case? Except in the beginning he was a little more affectionate. Not a lot. Just a little more. I figured he's so cozy and secure in the relationship that he doesn't think he needs to work at it. So yes he's taking the r'shp for granted. I've talked to him about this. "either way it's more concering that after you have expressed yourself to him he has done nothing." THANK YOU! That's my problem exactly. Thats why i thought he was gay. Now, I'm not sure what to expect next or DO next. Quit on him? Give up? I don't want to be someone who didnt' even try to work on the problem by just ending it.
burning 4 revenge Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 I don't consider myself gay, sometimes I just like a little spice in my cooking. If your'e used to garlic all the time ,isn't a little curry nice once in a while? She was responding to an e-mail I wrote blaming her for making me return to my old strip club habits since she won't see me anymore. But the strip club in question was straight ,she was just being a b*tch. If your bf uses condoms I wouldn't worry about AIDS, just stick with him if he loves you, even if he isn't completely a man.
norajane Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 Have you told him specifically what you would like him to do? Have you explained that you'd like him to hug and kiss you more often, that you'd like to have sex more often, that you'd like him to initiate more 'dates' and romantic evening together? Have you told him what you'd like to do in the bedroom that you currently aren't doing? Have you asked him to do xyz that turns you on? He may not know what exactly you need. A lot of men aren't raised in homes where the family is affectionate with each other, even though there's a lot of love there. He may show his love in other ways...does he pick up your favorite groceries or wine for dinner? Does he change the oil in your car (or take it in)? Does he fix your broken toaster or help you with your taxes? Does he take care of you when you're sick? Does he run to the store for cold medicine and orange juice? Does he listen to you when you've had a bad day and need to vent? Does he support you when you're anxious or upset about something, or when you're trying something new that you're uncertain about? If you lost your job and wrecked your car in the same day, would he want to be there to help you get through it? IMO, you're off on some wierd tangent with this gay thing. Gay men like men, and they have sex with men. They look at men, and they flirt with men, and they go out hoping to meet men. That's what makes them gay.
Guest Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 My boyfriend of 1 1/2 yrs is a very quiet person so it's difficult for me to get to the bottom of what I'm feeling. Lately, actually for awhile now I feel as though he's not into me. I feel like anything goes. It doesn't seem as though he goes out of his way to make me a priority. I work hard at always trying to build the relationship and to keep it alive. It feels like I'm doing all the work. He is not great at showing emotion. Our sex life is pretty normal I guess except for the fact that I'm the one with the stronger sex drive. There's no pillow talk and I seem to be the one initiating cuddling and encore's. We've spoken about this re-accuring problem two other times which is why I am at my wits and have told him I need positive convincing that he does love me OR I don't know if I can go on with this relationship. Since that talk he hasn't brought up the subject or made quality time together. I know... you're asking yourselves so why does that make him gay? It doesn't. But, why does my gut feeling tell me so? I don't know what other info to feed you to get a better reply. Hi- I am the onw who posted the thread "My boyfriend just told me he is bi" that you responeded to. FYI- We are not together right now, just friends... but in response to your post... I experienced very similar things with my bf... I am NOT saying that your bf is bi or gay but I will tell you what I experienced... Towards the end of our 2+ year relationship I felt like he was not as into me as before, that I was doing more work in staying together... it seemed like everyone else was a priority over me (like he knew I would always be there so he didn't have a problem blowing me off), my bf loved cuddling and everything we did in bed... Things that I now look back and notice that I didn't before... He had far more female friends than male, I knew that there were guys that he was talking to via text messages mostly that I had never met (I even mentioned a few times that I hadn't met most of his friends and he said that the opportunity had never come up). There were numerous times that he went to friends houses to play poker, or do homework, or whatever lie, but he told me that he was going to turn off his phone for some reason or another. My advice to you... ask him if he is bi, or if he ever thinks of guys that way. If your gut is telling you that he may be gay (or bi more likely) then there is something behind that. Maybe play like a truth and dare type thing and at some point ask if he has ever wanted to kiss another guy, if he says yes ask him if he has. I would love to help you figure it out... I have been there I know how frustrating it can be. Good luck!
burning 4 revenge Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 why is it such a big deal to have a bi-sexual boyfriend? many guys would love to have a bi-sexual gf. why do guys have to only have boring sex?
Guest Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Burning- Having a bisexual boyfriend is a problem when you don't know about it and when he has been cheating on you!!! I would be in a totally different position if my ex had told me that he was bi when we started dating, but he didn't.
Author Darkwall Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 THANKS FOY YOUR REPLIES. Since my last post we've spoken about all issues at hand. I honestly told him everything I was thinking and more in the most and sincere and considerate way I thought possible. I even asked is he was gay. He was SHOCKED. So shocked in fact that i thought maybe i was wrong. His first question was... what concrete examples did I have for thinking he was gay. I explained everything as in my above Previous posts. He still doesn't see how that makes him gay. I agree. I merely explained that that was what my gut was telling me. And, that sometimes he is so dear that even I think I'm totally wrong. I never asked if he was bi. I'm almost afraid to now. I'm afraid that i was way off in asking him that. Now he says to me... "would i be with you"? Now he knows that in the back of my head I'm wondering and looking for signs. I HATE THIS... doubting. Wondering. I gave him a few examples i thought were concrete. His reponse was... "so if i comment on a man being handsome or if i look at a man... that makes me gay? What about when you hold arms with the girls down the street or flick each other's breast asking is that padding. Isn't that gay? NO, it doesn't make a person gay I agreed. My point is why do I FEEL he is. When I see my other male friends messing around with other guys or check one out and say wow I wish i had his body. I don't think they're gay. But, something feels different about my bf. I guess we've got a lot of work to do. We're still working on some of the issues addressed and I guess only then will I know for sure.
Author Darkwall Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 One more thing... I don't disagree with bi relationships... As long as both parties know the other is bi. Or if they both accept the fact that one is straight and the other bi. Then it's ok. IMO. Otherwise, it is dishonest and unfair. It is lying and it is cheating the others trust. If you're not telling your partner you're bi it's probably for a hundred of your personal reasons. But one I know for sure is you know they are straight and KNOW they wouldn't allow for their partner not to be as well.
norajane Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Honestly? I think it's easier for you to imagine he's gay than to work on your intimacy and affection issues. Did you read my post? Does he express his love for you in ways that you aren't noticing or acknowledging as love and affection? Have you been specific with him in telling him what you need him to do that would make you believe that he loves you?
Author Darkwall Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 NORAJANE, yes I have read your e-mls and thank you for paying attention. Honestly? I was wondering myself that my suspision had just taken over my thoughts as final. We have since spoken about our/my problem and I told him I don't want to believe he's gay but that his distance in showing intimacy and affection lead me to believe it. It was extremely difficult a subject to touch on but we did it. I think it will be easier now to work out our issues and hopefully I can rid of this crazy notion. Because in my heart I don't really believe it. He shows me in so many other ways he loves me. And I did confirm that to him. (He forgets sometimes that I know.) I never doubted his feelings for me nor did I ever stop loving him. I'm crazy about him. We are since working on the specifics of what I need him to do that would make me believe that he loves me AND vice versa. It will obviously take some time but all I ever wanted was him to show he would put in that effort. It will take a little more effort on my part in guiding him to address this and that. But I accept that.
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