Guest Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Why we do it. I was a little reluctant to make a post, however after reading this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=90572, I'd like to share my 2 cents. Throughout this type of thread (and others on this board) you will notice the same advice given. "No Contact" it's the best way. Yet many people (dumpees) make the same mistakes of pleading, begging, etc. There are even some posts in which the person asking for advice tries to justify why "their situation is different" and why NC might not be the right way to go. Furthermore there are posts in which people say "I wish I found this site before I tried to win my ex back." But would you REALLY have not sent those emails?...justify your actions...try to plea with her etc etc.??? Even with all the advice on this board and input from our friends, we (dumpees) still continue to excercise this behavior. Why? Here are two reasons why: 1. The fear of NC and other behavior backfiring 2. To reassure ourselves we gave it 100%. I'll elaborate on 1. Lets say a dumpee excercises NC and the ex goes on their way w/out looking back. What's the dumpee going to think? "Oh no! What have I done? If only I did this. If only I said that" etc etc. It's the "honesty is the best policy" that haunts us and drives us to attempt to obtain them back in all the wrong ways. It's this type of thinking that (despite what our friends tell us or what we read on this board) will continue to do. More on 2. It's this reason which causes those last attempts to tell the ex how much we care for them, miss them etc. We want to feel content with ourselves that we did everything in our power to make it work. Things like "maybe I didn't tell her enough how much I cared" creep into our headas and we feel the need to remind the ex (this is usually followed by more text, emails, or whatever as most know). Now, I'd also like to elaborate a little on the thread I linked above. In there mentions that NC is just playing mind games and the best bet is to be honest. I agree only somewhat. However I think it comes down to psychology mostly. Wanting what you can't have, the grass being greener...all these things are emotions triggered by how are minds are wired. It's just human nature. You can think of a similar situation. If you were to go into a car dealership, offer $18k for a $22k car and the salesman said "Okay it's yours". How would you feel? You would say, damn I probably could have gotten it for $16k. Now if the car salesman counter offered and this went on a few times until he said "Okay okay, you win. I can give it to you for $18k", you would feel better about your purchase. You would feel that you won. You paid the same price for the car in either situations, but one way triggered a whole different set of emotions than the other. At any rate, the two main reasons above are "why we do it"....and maybe why might continue to do it. Mr. X
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