WHY? Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 My divorce was final in January. We have one son (12). According to the divorce agreement, I have primary placement and my husband has every other weekend/holiday rights but he chooses not to spend any time with him or even take him to see his grandparents! He will occasionally take him out for lunch for an hour or so but brings him back immediately. I know my son is hurt by this. His dad likes to party and goes off for weekend trips a lot. I can't understand his actions, since so many men are fighting for more time with their kids. Our son is an honor student and in band. He is athletic and fun to be around. This is his only child and we are both 47 so I don't think it's immaturity. What gives? We had an amicable divorce and I try to encourage him to have a better relationship but so far, no luck. Any advice or insight would be appreciated.
audmc911 Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 I am a single mom of a 15 year old with the same issue. Who does not want to see who? If your son comes to you seeking advice or tells you that he's hurt, I think that if you explain to your son that his father is "incapable" of providing more to him right now because of - whatever reason - your son will be able to accept that and it will alleviate his hurt. (It really worked with my daughter!) Make certain he knows that it is not his fault. Put the blame where it belongs and then reassure him that you will never leave him and that you will always be there for him no matter what. On the other hand, perhaps your son is mad at his father because of the divorce and he does not want to spend weekends with him and just has not told you. If that is the case, tell him that's okay with you too. The best thing - and most difficult - is to stay out of their relationship and let them work it out. By the time my daughter was 15 - she realized on her own what a jerk her father was and I am still and always will be there for her. I am constantly comforting her because he abandoned her. My parents divorced when I was 9. Children will want to stay in their home environment when they're teenagers and not do the visitation. Eventually, he will just say, I'm not going! Remember - it's between him and his father - just support your son. I know it's frustrating - but once you let go - it's so freeing! It will also enable you to have your own relationship with your son - separate from that of his with his fathers. Be prepared to be on the receiving end of his anger too! And remember, he's not mad at you - it's just easier to be mad at the parent that's not going to abandon you. Good luck - it will all work out - just give it time.
blind_otter Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Maybe he doesn't know HOW to parent? Maybe he relied on you for most of the motivation to parent and without that external structure to refer to, he doesn't really know what to do so he tries to relate to his child the way he would relate to a friend? I guess the important thing is to create a dialogue between you and your exH regarding parenting, what you both need to do in order to get this job done, and I guess that communication is even MORE important now that you don't live in the same house. I would say talk to your exH about your concerns, and if he's not open to altering the way he utilizes his visitation, then you need to explore other options.
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