Mollyanna Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 He said the relationship (of 4 months) wasn't working out for him. He said he never wanted to get into a relationship with anyone and then I came along and we get along perfectly and he always has fun with me, the sex is good, he thinks I am an amazing woman, and he really cares about me. But he says he still needs to be selfish and take care of himself right now. So he wants some time to get his head together. He said we could still talk but we needed to switch back to first gear and not be so serious. I didn't like this talk and thought this "I need space" talk was man-code for "I am looking for someone better". So to protect myself, I instituted No Contact. It is up to me to break it. We had the most incredible date ever on Saturday and said Goodbye on Sunday morning - fully PMS emotional to the point that I even made him cry when I was doing all my "I will remembers" and "Thank you for making me feels" (Drama Queen w/ PMS - not good). Today I went surfing for the first time and stood up on the board and I drove my car as fast as it would go directly to his house to tell him. Umm. this is like Day 2 or 3 of NC... I was so excited and because surfing is like his life, he was the only one I wanted to share it with. (no one else would understand my feeling). He came out of the house looking wary but as soon as he saw I wasn't there to cry again, but I was instead estatic and beaming and saying "I know how funny this is that I am here, but I surfed! I surfed! and of all people you were the only one I had to tell", he took me into his arms and kissed me. We laughed and he looked so pleased with me. I only stayed 20 minutes in the drive. I promised myself I would breeze in with the news and breeze out. He invited me in but I said NO. (shocked aren't you? give me credit, it is something, right?) We hugged and kissed a fairly long goodbye and I ran back to my car saying "I will see you later." NOW WHAT? Is NC over already? Have a totally mucked this up? Should I even be on NC?
Author Mollyanna Posted July 19, 2006 Author Posted July 19, 2006 Can someone tell me now if I should contact him and talk about this? or should I forget yesterday happened?
norajane Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 What's there to talk about? You already told him why you were there - to celebrate your surfing. There's nothing more to discuss as nothing has changed - he still wants his space.
wintercs Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Well congrats on surfing. I've never tried but I'm sure I would not do well with it - not really good with watersports. Anyway, that's quite a situation you have there. I think that you couldn't have gotten a better reaction, but you probably did the right thing by bouncing out of there before you could get all huddled up under his arm and act like nothing ever happened. I would stick with NC...I'm betting that he'll call at some point. And when he does, you might be wise to say something like "Listen Ben [or whatever his name is], I'm glad to hear that you're doing well, but I don't know if we should talk right now. I want to respect your needs and wants, and you told me that you needed some space and time for yourself and so I want to give that to you." I doubt that he's looking for another girl - at least yet - especially if he acted so affectionately as you described. BTW, they say that 4 months is a breaking point in most people's relationship - that's not a bad thing, it's just that at around the 4 month point, people start to freak out and realize that maybe a relationship isn't right for them right now. It sounds like you are quite a talented girl and that he has feelings for you, but he might not be ready to be the guy you want and need him to be day-in, day-out. That sucks, I know. Bottom line: stick with the NC for a while and see what happens. Do as best as you can not to think about him and be sure to surround yourslef with friends! Good luck!
Author Mollyanna Posted July 19, 2006 Author Posted July 19, 2006 Guess I have to start NC back at Day 1, huh? yikes, not too talented at this obviously! Thanks for your responses. He text messaged me already today and said he was glad to see me laughing. Makes me wonder if I hadn't been laughing too much recently.... Having depression is hard. It weighs on other people too. I need to remember that. Anyway, I wrote back and said "you were the only one I wanted to celebrate it with". He said he felt all warm and fuzzy inside. That's it. Guess tomorrow is Day 1 again....
Author Mollyanna Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 I guess I am not meant for NC.... Last night I went out with a friend who I met through X. She happens to be his very best friend. We had an awesome time and when the night was over, she drove us to X's house!!! I didn't exactly try to stop her. I ended up staying there but I slept in another room. I apologized 57 times for being there, both last night and this morning. Then I had to call him when I got home because I can't find my cell phone. I know now I am just not cut out for NC. Remember that when this all started he said he needed a break. What does that mean? Our friend said he felt like I was taking over his life but that he really really cares about me and tells her what a really cool chic I am. when he said he needed a break, I decided that meant our relationship was over and he just didn't want me anymore. but is it really possible that he really does just need a break??????
wintercs Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 After all this back and forth, it sounds like you both need to sit down and figure out what is going on in his head and what he wants from you and your relationship. If that discussion leads to a "I need to not be in a relationship right now," then you MUST leave it at that and stick to your guns and not contact him. You have to realize that this back and forth is going to take a toll on you and is going to be awfully painful for you the longer it continues. If he cares so much for you, he'll let you know where things stand. Hopefully, he'll come around and realize that he really can't live without you, but there is also the chance that he just needs some space. I'm personally not a big believer in putting a relationship on pause - ie a "break" - because that doesn't really do anything for either of you. Good luck.
Author Mollyanna Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 Thank you so much, I am taking your advice. He called during lunch and I told him we need to define what a "break" means to him, because I don't want to do anything to drive him away. He said we would figure it out. He is going to think about it today and call me to discuss when he gets done with work. I told him I don't want to be somewhere I am not wanted, but this NC thing (my idea) was me going to extremes and trying to cut him out of my life because I thought that a "break" was just an easy way for him to dump me. He said to me, "I really just need a break, that's all. I have a lot of things to sort out in my life right now and things to take care of. I need some time to do that". Then he told me what I didn't want to hear. He said he was a little disappointed that I only lasted 3 days before I start calling and texting again. but also he stated that I am on the right track by getting out there and pursuing activities and making other friends. the sad part is, I don't think I really knew how much I care about him until now. Do I tell him how I feel about him or will that scare him away even more?
norajane Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 He said he was a little disappointed that I only lasted 3 days before I start calling and texting again. but also he stated that I am on the right track by getting out there and pursuing activities and making other friends. the sad part is, I don't think I really knew how much I care about him until now. Do I tell him how I feel about him or will that scare him away even more? Oh, yes, that will push him further away! When someone asks for space, the last thing you should do is lay all your feelings on him. Best thing is to agree with him. "Yes, you have a lot of things going on and need to take some time. I really do think that's a great idea, and you're right, it's giving me a chance to build a life of my own and make new friends. I didn't even realize how much time we were spending together!"
Sonic_chaos Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 in my world it was the only way i could think of letting the person know i still cared for them. But it proved to push her away, to the point where she felt pressured into telling me her feelings i think. looking back i was wrong to pressure her into telling me if i was getting any where. If he needs space, it just means he has some things to sort out in is life, that needs some attention before he can give you proper attention. Some times it aint good being all over the place being run silly. If he has repairs on his house that need doing or car and trying to see you at the same time. Could be stress in his job that needs his full attention without disctractions *nices ones at that btw * but that are disctractions..
wintercs Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Yeah, you definitely have to let him call the shots for right now. He wants space, so give it to him. You really need to go NC, there's just no other ways around it. I know it's hard and it's easier said than done, but believe me, it will help strengthen you as a person. You don't want to seem desperate and by breaking the NC, that picture of you starts to emerge. From everything that you've siad, it DOES NOT sound like he has other girls in mind or anything like that, it's just that he wants some "him time" to make sure he's heading in a direction he wants to go. Again, I realize that this isn't the most fun of times and there isn't an easy solution. But I think the best thing for you to do is to take a few steps back, and some deep breaths. It's evident that you two have a special relationship going on so keep your head up and realize that the sun hasn't set - it's just a little bit cloudy out....the sun will come out again soon...
Author Mollyanna Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 Thanks to all of you for being here for me. This board is keeping me occupied and I am learning so much. OK... more to my story - get ready to groan. You won't believe what I did this time.... About an hour before he was to be home from work, I texted him and told him not to worry about talking tonight, to take his time and get back to me whenever he was ready. OK, so far so good. Except I wrote him a letter!!! What part of NC do I not understand? (probably the NO part) I wrote him a letter explaining how much I realized that I had placed on his shoulders in the last 2 months because of my depression. I told him I don't want to lose him and that I am willing to do whatever it takes for us to still know each other, in whatever capacity he has room for in his life. I told him I would let him go if need be, for him, because I can never pay back how he has made me start feeling about myself. [i have a past of emotional and physical abuse]. I told him how selfish I have been when all he asked for was time for himself. He has been the most patient, understanding, even keeled man I have ever known. Even when I push him and push him, he never yells at me. I told him all of this in the letter. I texted and promised to just drop the letter off, give him a hug, and go. He had me bring it over. He wanted me to stay there while he read it. But our mutual friend showed up while he was on the first sentence!! Same friend that I went out with last night. So of course we all had to regale each other with tales from last night and fill in the holes of events that we had forgotten or that HE was not there to see. (he laughed and laughed!) But as soon as he went into his room to get something, I followed him in and told him goodbye. We hugged and kissed for a longer than usual goodbye. I asked him to please be patient with me and he said he always is. 3 hours later and no phone call or text message. I'm a nervous wreck. I was hoping he would write and say SOMETHING. I thought the letter was written very well, but maybe I went overboard. OH Lord please stop me from doing something stupid tomorrow. Next thing you know, I will be making him a video of me singing some Celine Dion song and crying dramatically.
Author Mollyanna Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 Sorry if no one is interested anymore. but this is like a diary for myself too... Writing is really helping me to cope. He called this morning and left a voice mail saying he read my letter and he thought it was cool. He said we would work with what we have and go from there. He acted nervous and eventually said he was at a loss for words. He said he will go home and read the letter again tonight and call me. Waiting for the phone to ring is the hardest part of all this.
royallydistrait Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 I have read through the stuff you read...I understand where you are coming from completely. Me and Ex just broke up in these past couple of weeks on and off and we are on a NC rule as well. What makes its so hard is that we are the ones who got our hearts broken and they need space and we think we need to be involved and make them change their minds. So, even if it's us thats puts the NC "rule" in play we don't really want that at all because we still are and want to know how they are and want to be able to tell them everything that is going on in our lives as well. These are things I tell myself to try to make me stop but I just can't stop wanting to talk to him.
Author Mollyanna Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 That is one thing I did stop - I stopped telling him everything that was going on with me. for example, I am going on a personal/business trip in the morning for 6 days and he has no idea. All my visits and phone calls have been kept short and sweet. I am trying not to make him wear thin of me. It is also helping me deal with the separation better. I am easing my way into it, I guess. Like when he called this morning, I purposely did not answer it. And I have not text messaged him or called him all day. This is the best I have felt in 2 weeks. maybe it is because I feel more in the driver's seat now.
Author Mollyanna Posted July 22, 2006 Author Posted July 22, 2006 Well... here is the verdict. We just talked for an hour. He said the letter to him was beautiful - that no one besides his Mom has ever said such nice things about him. He said it sounds like I am blaming myself for this though, and I need to realize this is about him, not me. He needs me in his life, but right now it can't be anything serious. He doesn't want the responsibilities of having a girlfriend. He wants to see me, to date me, but nothing like the way we have been going on for the past 4 months. He said I occupy a good deal of his thoughts and he needs to be concentrating on getting his life together, not worrying and thinking about me all the time. I told him I didn't like the idea of going backwards, that it seems like it would go all down hill from there. He disagreed and said he thinks we need to start in a lower gear and build ourselves up from there. Honestly, I don't think I have ever had a relationship in 1st gear. Mine all start in 3rd and crash and burn. How do I do first gear??? When I asked him, he said we just take it one day at a time. But hell i need a handbook or something!!! Anyone have any advice?
Author Mollyanna Posted July 22, 2006 Author Posted July 22, 2006 WTF? He called to see how I was feeling because I have been sick. Then he tells me a friend of his is coming to visit for the weekend. I recognized the name - the same girl who called him for a booty call a couple weeks ago. I asked him if he was going to get laid and he said probably. What the ???? He said this is why he doesn't want a relationship, doesn't want some girl controlling his life. I told him this was l like a slap in the face, a complete reversal from last night. He knows how I stand on this issue, that I will not have a sexual relationship with someone who is sexually active with others. And by him doing it, he is driving me out of his life. He keeps trying to rationalize it for me. But no, I tell him I learned 2 things from him - 1. We are just too different people. 2. How little he really cares about me after all. Then I told him I hope the sex is worth it and I hung up. I did the right thing, now why does this hurt so much???
Author Mollyanna Posted July 23, 2006 Author Posted July 23, 2006 I texted him enough times today to make myself look crazy. He finally wrote and said that I have officially put him on the biggest guilt trip. And then he said "I've done nothing wrong". How can sex with a friend of his tonight not be wrong? I realize we are on a break, but damn it has only been a week!!!!!! Last Saturday was to me the best date we ever had. And now tonight he is with someone else, who he doesn't have feelings for. He said she knows where he is at, that he doesn't want a relationship and wants to be single. She called him. And he felt he needed to be honest with me about it. I can't understand. How can this be the same guy???? What is he doing?
Author Mollyanna Posted July 23, 2006 Author Posted July 23, 2006 and how can he still text message me from the middle of his date (just now) to tell me how sorry he is and he feels like **** and he never meant to hurt me.
Author Mollyanna Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 i have gone too far. i have texted him practically every thought I have had about us. some have been reasonable, but others are pitiful and a couple of them have a tad of meanness in them. he has written back that we will sort this out tonight. But how do I get through today waiting? I can't focus on work and I can't stop crying.
beach Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I like your username... My name in real life is not much different than yours...
wintercs Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 All right. First off, you need to hide your phone or do something so you don't continue doing this. You're going to burn your own bridge before you even get to it! I think one of the first things you need to remind yourself is that sometimes even the best relationships fail, and there's nothing you can do about that. I'm not saying that yours is failing or going to fail, but that you have to remember that a relationship is investment and like investing in a stock or bond, they sometimes fall out with little or no warning. I'm not telling you to dwell on it, I'm just saying that sometimes bad things happen to good people. I know it's a hard concept to remember right now, but you have to put these things in perspective...for your own good. I have no doubt that you have all kinds of weird feelings running through you right now, and that's to be expected, but you have to do your best to put on a positive front and be willing to work through this with him. Plus, if you show up crying and in a mess, he might be tempted to just trash the whole thing and go his own way...if you show up with a nice warm smile and your best attitude, he might be more inclined to patch things up and offer to start your relationship anew. Of course, nothing is certain and that's the part that you've got to keep at the forefront of your mind. Uncertainty isn't any fun to anyone...recognizing that fact will help you grow and become all the more stronger. Best of luck
Author Mollyanna Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 if you show up crying and in a mess, he might be tempted to just trash the whole thing and go his own way...if you show up with a nice warm smile and your best attitude, he might be more inclined to patch things up and offer to start your relationship anew. You were so right!!! The first call I cried and he wants to be just friends. The second call I was calm and now he wants to be on a break again... Thanks to everyone for your advice. He called twice today. I am out of town on a business trip so he said we can work this stuff out face to face when I get back home to him. Yes, that's right, home to him. But he flits back and forth between what he wants. Once he said we should just be friends because it is killing him to hear me hurting over him. And then another time he said I need to figure out what I can handle with him, but he will be dating other girls and yes, occasionally having sex. Then later he tells me that I have no idea how much he cares about me and wants me to be part of his life. I cried and said "things will never be the same" and his response to that is "you never know what may develop from our friendship." For those of you who said he wouldn't sleep with her, sorry you were wrong. He said "I did on Saturday but not on Sunday" OK, like I needed that much detail! Also, he doesn't want to be just friends, but best of friends. How is that going to work???? It can't. This is killing me. He made me promise I would call him tomorrow from work. And that I would bring myself home safely and in one piece, that he will be there waiting and looking forwarding to seeing me. Good news is, i stopped text messaging. but that is just because he finally called. I am starting to think I can do much better. My best friend says he is in love with me, but so scared of his feelings that he did this to purposely push me away. Well, good news is, I definitely don't want to sleep with him after he slept with some girl who is happy with having a 7 year friends w/ benefits relationship with him. I do not need added to that game.
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