Guest Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Greetings. I'm new to having a close relationship and therefore not very experienced and so I Don't know what to make of my situation. For starters I've been dating this girl for about 6 months. She was in a 6 year relationship with a guy that cheated on her, used her for money, and on occasion hit her. But she's been seperated from him for about 2 years now. She constantly talks about that past relationship, personaly (bare in mind I'm new to relationships) i think that after two years one should start to get own with ones life. Whenever I do anything I'm constantly hearing "oh well you shouldn't do this or that because my old boyfriend did that..." and I'd have to hear the story about it. I've heard these stories so many times that I can probably recite them word for word myself. There has not been 2 consecutive days to go by that I havent heard a story or a reference to her last boyfriend. I keep asking her to stop comparing me to him, I don't do any of the bad t hings to her that he did to her, and It's unfair to be pre-maturely judged because of his failings. It's like I'm under constant attack from her. An example is that before I met her like alot of single males I had a collection of pornography. She knew about this and I knew that it must have bothered her even tho she said that it didn't. So without provocation I threw away all of it and didn't tell her because I didn't see it as a big deal. I simply did not need nor want it anymore....well when she found out by noticing its absence I got another lecture from her about how I shouldn't keep secrets from he and that her old boyfriend did that. In my mind what I did was the right and decent thing to do but I paid for it when she found out. She also on occasion will tell me her dreams she has about me cheating on her, or after going to a party with her and some other friends she would get in a HORRIBLE mood and cries saying that I'm hitting on other women...even when I didn't talk to a single woman and only to my guy friend the whole night. Lastly, I love her very much, and she says she loves me which i belive. But there are times when she tells me she simply wont belive me...that he belived her last boyfriend and that he cheated on her. I find this very hurtfull and i tell her that but it just prompts another story and lecture. Now I'm still young (20-something)...should I even bother with this relationship? I'm prepared to not go to graduate school in another state for her even tho she has made provisions to go out of state if she can't go in state (she made a fuss when i did the same). Is this a normal relationship? Maybe I'm not being understanding enough? I just feel that being compared to her last a-hole bf is unjust...something I don't deserve (I told her this...yet another lecture and story that didn't even pertain to the subject). I do love her and it will hurt to break up, something I don't want to do unless its blatantly a lost cause. I doubt that I'm the first to go through this from her because the last two guys she dated just stoped seeing her after a few months without explanation. Have any of you had this experience? and If so what would you suggest?
AwkwardMan Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Sucks to be you. No, this is not normal behavior. My girlfriends have basically never mentioned their ex's to me, though obviously I was aware of their existence and heard a story or two.
bella_girl Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 It sounds to me that she (unfortunately) is not over this guy. He hurt her pretty badly - both emotionally and physciologically. This is going to take her a while to get over - and 2 years might not be enough. I don't think it's fair that she is judging you by her past relationships. I do sometimes talk about ex boyfriends to new boyfriends but usually in a 'yeah Tom and I saw this really funny play once.. it really affected my life blah blah about the play...' not as in a 'all men cheat cos my ex boyfriend did' type of way. No I'd say its not normal the amount she is talking about him. It is very hard to get over being cheated on, it did affect my trust issues and made me approach my next relationship pretty slowly. I think unfortunately her experiences are colouring your relationship and she's not listening to what you are saying. You may have to let her go.
Ukwizard Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 You`re right. This relationship isnt normal. Don`t just dump her because of her past. Its something that can`t be sorted, but it just needs time, and effort. When I was dumped by my girlfriend, I found myself talking to my new girlfriend about my old. Not intentionally though. For example, my new girlfriend asked me if I d seen that film `Monster`s Inc`, and I replied, `Yeah, its really good, I watched it on DvD which belonged to one of my ex`s daughters`. I realised what I was saying. I know it isnt good for my new girlfriend, and I m sure she knows I have a past. However I know I shouldn`t dig up the past. I try not to mention about my exs unless my girlfriend asks. Like you, Guest, this is my 2nd girlfriend. I m new to realtionships. I m not that experienced. When my first girlfriend left me that affected me deeply. Maybe your`e girlfriend still hasn`t got over it yet, but you do have to ask yourself. Two years is a long time.
norajane Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 It sounds like she's been hurt badly, and the two years haven't given her nearly enough distance from her ex. She's still obsessed with it, can't stop talking about it, projects her ex's behavior onto you, and is terribly afraid you're going to hurt her in the same way. It's a shame that the 'bad guys' have such a lasting effect on their girlfriends. Not all of them take it so hard and become so unreasonable, but for some it affects their relationships their whole lives. It's a shame for you as well, but I don't see anything changing since you have already frequently talked to her about this. I would not make any decisions about where to go to grad school based on your relationship with her. You should be going to the best program at the best school that accepts you and that you can afford. If you can stand staying in this relationship, you might want to have a more serious discussion where you lay it on the line - tell her how much she hurts you, to the point that you are reconsidering whether you really can handle being with her. If that doesn't serve as a wake-up call and she actively makes an effort to modify her behavior toward you, then I'd say there's nothing you can do. Best to move on.
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