Guest Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 i have been with my girl 2 years and we have been fairly happy. I know we love each other alot and that is the only reason I am giving other peoples opinion a try. My girl went out a couple of days ago and didnt tell me about where she was going. This is because she went out to a bar/club with her girlfriends. She got drunk and started dancing with other guys. I feel like I am wasting my time going out with someone like this, but she really hasnt been like this since I met her. She is a really sweet girl and shows her love in our relationship sincerly. I am stuck between letting her go or staying and trying to work this thing out. I am not the type of guy to get jealous about little things but she lied to me about going out untill I finally figured it out and confronted her, and then she lied about dancing with another guy untill I confronted her, dont ask me how I knew I just felt it. Anywayz I feel unattracted to her and I really wish I never met her right now. But I have felt this way before and really regreted my hasty decissions. I want to know what justice would be in a situation like this and if there is any way of looking at the brighter side that I am not seeing. I also want to inform you that I have been in serious resistance from cheating on her in the past and never cheated on her, or danced with anyone else while in the relationship. I have had expectations of her to do the same. For me to go any furthur in this relationship would cause me to lower my expectation which is really dangerous for me to do because I am opening up a whole different series of disappointments that might follow. Any comforting comments or helpful advice would be nice. Thanks, God Bless.
norajane Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Oh, my, since when is dancing the same as cheating? Dancing isn't cheating. They're fully clothed, for one thing. Lying, on the other hand, is more problematic...people lie for lots of reasons...you should find out why she felt she needed to hide this from you. Either she thought she was doing something wrong, or she thought YOU would think she was doing something wrong even if she wasn't. I'm guessing she lied to you about going out with her friends, and she lied to you about dancing with people, precisely because she knew that you would over-react and consider it cheating...and that you make hasty decisions...so perhaps she thought she'd try to spare both of you. I could be wrong, but that's how I see it. If you've been together for two years and you know that you both love each other, perhaps you could find it within your heart to give her the benefit of the doubt. You don't want to become too uncompromising and controlling or she might leave you altogether.
purspeed Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Be careful with this one. She sounds like she is getting bored in the relationship. Her fascination with you is almost gone. She will continue to take "things" a step further until she's straight balling some other dood (hopefully not anyone you know). What you must do immediately is accept her behaviour 100%. Act happy and act like you don't care. The more you bust her balls, the more you give her reasons to cheat and lie to you (b/c you're attacking her pride). This is the key: make her jealous. A BIG part of the reason she is adventuring out is because she has lost her fascination with you. She may have had a cheating ex and that promted you to comfort and reassure her. Wrong tactic. Date others or have other females close to you (don't gotta cheat, but hey, life's short). Ignore her sometimes and her boredom will cease. I know this seems counter-intuitive, but I have a cult following on this board for a reason. Be glad that I responded with this golden advice. From: the master Purspeed... (btw, you seem religious, so, to avoid another pitfall, prayer won't help, but following my advice will)
Elyssa Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Well, there's many kinds of dancing... If there was no physical touching or flirting, I don't see a problem with it. The post above poses very interesting points. As a woman, I have hid things before from my significant other, simply because I did not feel like having to explain it and potentially causing an issue. Perhaps it was wrong, I'm not going to go into that, but the point is, that I can see how somebody could do it for that reason. Ask her why she lied to you. Perhaps after all it's a trust issue, not a cheating issue. -Elyssa
corwin Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 I agree with Norajane that the dancing with her girlfriend's and a guy isn't cheating. But...... she lied about it. Lying breaks trust. It begs the question "What else has she lied about?" Maybe nothing, maybe quite a bit. You need to find out why she felt the need to lie. Only you know in your heart if you can forgive her for lying. You need to drive the point home to her though about lying... about trust.
Walk Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Couple of thoughts... What's bothering you more about this, that she lied, or that she danced with another guy? I think I see it a little differently then cheating. I'd say I have an extremely low tolerance for behavior that brings my SO into close contact with another women... but I wouldnt' feel my SO "cheated" if he went to a club without me and danced. Also, as a woman, the men swarm in and literally attach themselves to you on the dance floor. I literally have to push guys away, and keep moving to different areas of the dance floor just to keep them away. And I don't mean a little tap to get the guy to back off, I mean SHOVE them away. Drunk men are impervious to a "suggestion". Was she fully aware that dancing with another man equals cheating in your book? Was this stated outright prior to the incident? If not, then to her she probably wasn't doing anything wrong. I don't think most people would equate dancing with cheating. So unless this was talked about and understood by her prior to this, then you can't "punish" her for something you didn't clarify was a punishable offense. Kind of like getting sent to prison for spending a fake $10 bill you thought was real. If she's clear about how you viewed this situation prior to the act.. then that may be grounds to end the relationship. I encourage you to listen to her views on it, her philosophys toward it, with an open mind. I'm questioning if perhaps your coming off as a little controlling in this relationship. Kind of a "my way or the highway" approach. I'm not saying you are, but I kind of get the impression that you tend to approach it from that way. It might cause a person who isn't confrontational to avoid being upfront with you, to feel that they can't have an open and honest discussion with you. That you won't take her opinions or thoughts as seriously as your own, and dismiss her desires too quickly, without real thought on it. Just be careful you don't curtail her as an individual because you already have your opinions set. I have been in serious resistance from cheating on her in the past I didn't understand this comment (above). Not sure if you meant she cheated on you in the past, or that there was something else going on....? I didn't understand what you were trying to say.
Stranger782 Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 she lied about dancing with another guy untill I confronted her. By this do you mean that she didn't tell you she'd danced with other guys? Maybe she really didn't think she'd done anything wrong, and so didn't think anything of it. When it comes down to it, it was only dancing - which in my book isn't cheating.
megnog Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 it was only dancing, true, but its a step above just looking. i would be jealous too but not break-up worthy i would feel bad if i was dating someone and dancing with another man lusting him the entire night. its not cheating but i don't think its right to do either. lying is the bigger problem here. but it was only once. and we know why - she didn't want to cause problems soooooooooooooooooooooo don't break up with her. but make it clear she should never lie to you. and that things only get worse when she lies because you eventually find out.
trebon Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 megnog has got it on the button. Just have a chat and clear the air. I know its uncomfortable thinking of her dancing but there is little you can do. (mine is out as we speak and it really makes me uncomfy) but if they are coming home to you that is the main thing. Many people like to flirt while in a relationship, esp when with the lads or the girls, but it means nothing at all. take it easy and get the lying out of hte system and you'll be fine
Guest Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 i have been with my girl 2 years... My girl went out a couple of days ago and didnt tell me about where she was going. This is because she went out to a bar/club with her girlfriends. She got drunk and started dancing with other guys. I feel like I am wasting my time going out with someone like this, but she really hasnt been like this since I met her. So she went out dancing with her girlfriends once in two years and you're freaking out about it and thinking it's cheating? No wonder she didn't want to tell you. I get it that you're upset that she lied, but are you sure you wou wouldn't have been upset even if she'd told you beforehand? Don't let your jealousy destroy an otherwise good relationship. Let her have a life, even if you can't be with her ever minute of it and she probably won't lie to you about what she's doing.
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