xyz123 Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 I find myself in a situation that is not very pleasant, so I come to you fine folks for advice. Over the last couple of days I have done quite a bit of research about what makes up an "emotional affair". This is what my wife is accusing me of, and it is putting our marriage at risk. The story behind all of this is: I work in a very "male" oriented job, but have a person who works for me that is a female, albeit one that is very enept in dealing with males on a day to day basis. We work in an evironment that is very joking and even racey at times, but one that makes it a place that people enjoy to work. This female went out on a date with a vendor a few months ago and the date did not go so well. Another co-worker of mine started a joke saying that our vendor said he had a naked picture from the date. Obviously that was not true, but that seemed to be the running joke. Our business requires someone to be on call all the time for emergency situations. So when the girl in question received a phone call about an emergency situation she would always call me co-worker for what to do. His "joking" response was always "send me that naked picture from your date". He was never serious and seriously was joking. The problem occurs when she text messaged me one night about a situation, and i responded the same way. It was obviously a joke, but not so funny when my wife finds it on my phone. All of the research about "emotional affairs" suggest that you are having one when something is secret. Yes, I admit what was done was intended to be secret, but that didn't happen. All of the "emotional affair" quizzes and tests have said I did not have an emotional affair. I don't talk to her about anything but business, I don't confide in her, I am not attracted to her, and I have never had an issue telling my wife when she would attend work functions with myself and other co-workers. My wife is seriously thinking about ending our marriage over this, and I can't get it throuh her head that this was a joke that went back a long way. Yes, an inappropriate joke, but none the less, a joke. I guess I can get everyone in my office to verify my story, and even have my wife talk to this girl, but would it be wrong of me to get other people involved. I am not the only one participating in inappropriate jokes and don't want to get other people in the same situation I am in. Please let me know what you think. Any advice and opinions are greatly appreciated.
JackJack Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 No it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. If your wife is wanting to end your marriage over this, then there is something else going on. Talk with her, find out what the deal is. You all need to communicate to find out what it is thats so wrong that she wants to end it. Most people don't end a marriage over something like this, espcially if you did nothing wrong.
amaysngrace Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 I don't understand why she had your cell phone number to be able to text you, and maybe this is what is bothering your wife so much.
bab Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 If what you are saying is the whole truth, then yes, your wife is overreacting. I understand that it would be embarrassing to have to bring in your co-workers to vouch for you, but if you want to save your marriage, it sounds like you are going to have to. Try and put yourself in your wife's shoes. She needs reassurance, although after reassuring her, you might want to delve into why she didn't believe you in the first place.
Chinook Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 I agree with what Bab said. First, I'd want to know why she was texting you without my knowledge. Secondly, you have to admit it's a bit suspect -- how would you feel if you found a similar text message from a male co-worker to your wife..? Your wife is going to take some convincing I think. But if I were you, I'd be pulling out the stops (no matter how humiliating) to show her what the REAL deal is.
Author xyz123 Posted July 18, 2006 Author Posted July 18, 2006 She has my cell phone # because i work with her and there are times she needs to get ahold of me. When a situation comes up involving work and it is late she text messages me so as to not wake up my entire family. Also, becuase she questions her decision making capability about work items, it is sometimes a means for her to validate the decision she is about to make.
Author xyz123 Posted July 18, 2006 Author Posted July 18, 2006 She texts me without my wifes knowledge whenever there is a work emergency that comes up. It isn't the fact that my wife doesn't have knowledge as much as I didn't see the need to tell my wife everytime someone (not just her) texts me a work question. I don't know how I would feel if I found that on my wifes phone. First of all, she doesn't work, and secondly she never worked in an environment like I work in. Thanks for your response.
Sup Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Perhaps your wife is up to something. I'm sure you have thought of it.
Trimmer Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 It sounds to me like you have not crossed any EA lines, but you certainly crossed some lines of professional behavior and that behavior has crossed over into your personal life and bitten you in the butt here... (Incidentally, boy, all that woman has to do is get (1) pissed off and (2) an attorney, and she's got you guys by the short hairs... Have you ever wondered if she has been archiving those text messages about sending the naked picture??? First year law students will be studying her settlement in their sexual harassment classes for the next 15 years... ) If we assume your wife is not hiding something, then your best bet is to educate her - show her your research on emotional affairs, show her your cell phone billings for the past months, give her your email passwords and let her log on and check your Email, etc... Then you ask "I've got nothing to hide. What do you want me to do to prove anything you want to know?" If she refuses to give you an opportunity to make good, then yeah, I would find that wierd, too - as if she's looking for an opportunity to get out... Now that you've read up on affairs a bit, do you have any suspicions? Of course you have to be careful of that. I saw a list of something like 80 or 100 or 150 "warning signs".... Well, jeez, on a list that long you're going to find some warning signs with anyone. You can convince yourself of anything. Incidentally, how did the incoming message from the female co-worker read? Was it above-board and professional? Did your wife see that one? If it was "clean", that's even more reason to find your wife's reaction strange.
jmargel Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 How long ago did this happen? If only a few days give her some time to cool off. Has there been any cheating going on in the past? If you wife is still persisting that you have been 'cheating' after a week then I would suggest that you tell your wife 'If you feel the need to contact my co-worker then do so. Nothing is going on. It was an improper joke and I apologize. I can understand how you feel but we need to move on from this already'. Then let it drop. Don't start doing 'extra special' things because it'll make her more suspecious. Does your wife have a temper problem? Could be that her other friends are putting things into her head about what might have happened. Just reassure her that you love her and that you wouldn't be so stupid to do anything to jeopardize the marriage. Any previous cheating gone on by either of you two?
Author xyz123 Posted July 19, 2006 Author Posted July 19, 2006 Trimmer, What you stated in this post is exactly what I think is causing the issue here. As far as her getting pissed off and giving every law student in the country a case to study...it is very difficult for people to understand that this would never happen. She is responsible for as many if not more inappropriate jokes than any of us. Most people can't indentify with this because their job and work environment is nothing like the one we are in. It is virtually impossible for anyone to understand our environment unless they physically work here. Is it inappropriate? Does it get racey? Does it borderline on crude? I would have to answer yes on all of the above, but I can also say in the 8 years I have worked here we have not had one person quit or resign. Don't get me wrong, it is not all fun and games. As a matter of fact we are a very successful company. All I can really say is, "it is what it is." But that there in lies my problem...it is not a very good excuse of validation for what happened.
Author xyz123 Posted July 19, 2006 Author Posted July 19, 2006 When a situation comes up involving work and it is late she text messages me so as to not wake up my entire family.
JadeStar Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Why would she text you instead of calling you? I agree with this. Looks to me like it would be quicker and easier to just call. Personally I hate texting, to time consuming. Anyway, IMO, I think there might be more to the story than meets the eye here. I think it might be one of two things. Either, your wife has real cause to feel the way she does, something more to the story we don't know of. Or shes doing something herself, and her guilt is being transferred over to you. People don't just up and want a divorce over a text message, unless something deeper is going on. JMO. Jade
Trimmer Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Trimmer, What you stated in this post is exactly what I think is causing the issue here. As far as her getting pissed off and giving every law student in the country a case to study...it is very difficult for people to understand that this would never happen. She is responsible for as many if not more inappropriate jokes than any of us. Most people can't indentify with this because their job and work environment is nothing like the one we are in. It is virtually impossible for anyone to understand our environment unless they physically work here. Is it inappropriate? Does it get racey? Does it borderline on crude? I would have to answer yes on all of the above, but I can also say in the 8 years I have worked here we have not had one person quit or resign. Don't get me wrong, it is not all fun and games. As a matter of fact we are a very successful company. All I can really say is, "it is what it is." But that there in lies my problem...it is not a very good excuse of validation for what happened. Actually, I can accept this easily. As long as everyone - including the female co-worker - is all cool with it, then you've got a community of eager and willing participants there and as long as the community clicks, then you've got yourself a successful company. As long as... Is your wife familiar with the culture of your company, and has she ever expressed any reservations about it - any irritation? Maybe it has always bothered her, and she's just reached a boiling-over point? Back to one of my other questions - how did your co-worker's incoming text message read? Was it professional, or was there a racy/crude subtext to it as well? Is that message still on your phone, too, and did your wife see it if so? And I will say that I accept that text messages are a communications tool that can be used appropriately. Around here we tend to be very sensitive to "texting" between people, because in the experiences shared on this forum, it so often points to something else more sinister going on. However, I can accept xyz's explanation that this is just the communications medium they use when on-call late at night. Also, the fact that he didn't delete the message off his phone is consistent with his assertion that nothing is going on that he feels he needs to hide...
JackJack Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 When a situation comes up involving work and it is late she text messages me so as to not wake up my entire family. So its not something that can wait till the next day to talk with you about at work?
Trimmer Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 So its not something that can wait till the next day to talk with you about at work? From the opening post in the thread: Our business requires someone to be on call all the time for emergency situations. So when the girl in question received a phone call about an emergency situation she would always call [my] co-worker for what to do. His "joking" response was always "send me that naked picture from your date". He was never serious and seriously was joking. The problem occurs when she text messaged me one night about a situation, and i responded the same way. It was obviously a joke, but not so funny when my wife finds it on my phone.
Craig Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Originally Posted by xyz123 When a situation comes up involving work and it is late she text messages me so as to not wake up my entire family. Again this doesn't make sense to me. How do you know that you have a text message, do you constantly check for messages? Wouldn't it be possible to put the phone on vibrate and answer calls that way? Do you respond to EMERGENCY text messages with a text message or call back?
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Unless it's a complete EMERGENCY, there is no reason for her to TM you so late at home. It can wait until the next day, first thing in the morning. Makes me wonder, does she have any respect for you being at home with your family? Like work during business office hours, not so late into night...
JackJack Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Unless it's a complete EMERGENCY, there is no reason for her to TM you so late at home. It can wait until the next day, first thing in the morning. This is my thinking as well. Maybe shes just looking for a reason or excuse to call/text you.
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