Dangerously Close Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 (I posted this thread as a guest, but it's taking to long to come up). I've read quite a few threads on this board where there are long going affairs. I've been in mine on and off for about a year and a half, with a 6 month period of NC in between. We have never made arrangements to make sure we are alone. All of our time togther has been when the natural state of our lives means that we are alone. And that has not been many. How do others that are involved with a MM keep from getting caught? Don't the wives get suspicious if the two of you are manufactoring ways to be alone? It seems so risky. How do you make it work?
Blind Illusion Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Someone recently set forth an interesting premise to me, regarding her own very long term affair (14-15 years) She stated that people get caught (as she did herself years ago) when they put their affair partner first & act all-obsessive-like. That's when, according to this premise, one gets caught because people get careless & the spouse starts to question things, etc. You state that you get together when you are naturally alone & are not fabricating strange questionable dissappearances in the night that raise red flags. According to this "theory" (for lack of a better word), you are doing this correctly. You accept that times might be few & far between but you are making sure everything else happens as it should in your respective families. My problem was that I always felt last on the list (which I was) and it bothered me. A lot! I wanted it to be like it was in the beginning, where opportunities were created by the MM simply to be or talk to me. Not the other way around, where if the chance was there, then & only then, did we connect. I didn't like that much & my friend was trying to show me another way of looking at it. I wasn't very successful at doing that, though.
Author Dangerously Close Posted July 18, 2006 Author Posted July 18, 2006 Don't get me wrong, I would certainly prefer to be able to make times for us to be alone, we just don't know how to do it without being suspicious. Unless we came up with some foolproof plan, we will probably continue to settle for those brief moments together.
stillhere Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 This definetely isn't a how to section, but this is what my MM and i do. He's a workaholic, so he's never home. He gets up at 5 am (she's still in bed) and comes home at 9:30 pm (she's already in bed). So if he see's me, he just says he's working. She doesn't know any better. The one he has to be careful of is his brother (whom i'm friends with as well). They work together for their own business. And believe me, they are always together. But, we talk every day on the phone, and hook up about 3 or 4 times a week. It helps that i'm single, but i also have my daughter, so that get tricky at times. She hasn't met him yet, and we've been together a year. I don't want to introduce her to anyone who isn't going to be around for long term.
scarletletter Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 It has been very easy for us, actually. Neither spouse gives a crap about us enough to even wonder what we are doing. If I have to go out of town for work, then he has to go out of town for work too...you get the idea. We live and work about 40 miles apart and there is a town halfway between us. We meet there for "long lunches", "dinner meetings for work", etc. We utilize every opportunity that we can to be together but we always keep our head in check as to not be too risky. We cannot afford to be caught as our long-term plan would then be affected. It is not easy, it is not pretty, it is not a good way of life...but it is the choice we made.
Blind Illusion Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 A lot of times, I would meet him during times that he was away overnight on business anyhow. He would be at a location whether I could see him or not. It wasn't a new behavior for him, either. New behaviors are often red flags also. Like if you were to suddenly say you were taking an evening swimming exercise class when you have always hated the water. Obviously, you know that already though.
Lollie72 Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 (I posted this thread as a guest, but it's taking to long to come up). I've read quite a few threads on this board where there are long going affairs. I've been in mine on and off for about a year and a half, with a 6 month period of NC in between. We have never made arrangements to make sure we are alone. All of our time togther has been when the natural state of our lives means that we are alone. And that has not been many. How do others that are involved with a MM keep from getting caught? Don't the wives get suspicious if the two of you are manufactoring ways to be alone? It seems so risky. How do you make it work? Are you feeling guilty over the wife being cheated on? Or are you actively trying to decide if you should stay deceptive? Are you at odds with yourself internally? I get these indications from what your saying.
Author Dangerously Close Posted July 19, 2006 Author Posted July 19, 2006 Are you feeling guilty over the wife being cheated on? Or are you actively trying to decide if you should stay deceptive? Are you at odds with yourself internally? I get these indications from what your saying. I guess you could say that I'm at odds with myself internally. Is there any other woman on this forum who is not? Maybe so. I don't know. It's just that I know that I don't want his wife to find out. I don't know how women that are in the same boat (don't want the wife to find out) have "relationships" that go undetected. It seems like if there is anything more than what we have, we start greatly increasing our chances of being found out. I guess I wonder how other women/men are dealing with these predicaments.
stillhere Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 We deal the best we can! My MM just called me 10 minutes ago.......5th conversation we had today. I see him more in one day then you've seen your MM in the last 18 months. I can never see him enough, but i do know i get more of his time than his W does. Doesn't mean it's ok, that's just how it is. We tell each other every day that we love each other. This is not easy by any means. His W has a lot of trust in him, hell, i can't believe, even after a year, that he is doing this. I'm not complaining, this is just very much unlike something he would do. That's why it is easier for him, nobody would ever think he is capable of something like this. This situation is not ideal for me, but i can't turn off my feelings for him, i'm in way too deep.
Author Dangerously Close Posted July 19, 2006 Author Posted July 19, 2006 I can never see him enough, but i do know i get more of his time than his W does. That's why it is easier for him, nobody would ever think he is capable of something like this. This situation is not ideal for me, but i can't turn off my feelings for him, i'm in way too deep. I do get to visually see him every day, it's just that we only rarely "see" each other. It seems that for those of you that are having longer affairs that get to see each other on a regular basis, the MM didn't have to change his routine or schedule to see you. This must be the key. The key that we don't have mind you. Also, his wife has never trusted him, so she keeps tabs on him. He wants to stay in his marriage, so it's important that she never find out. There is no doubt she would leave him at a hint of this. She actually threatened once when she overheard one of our 15 minute conversations, somewhat early on that had nothing to do with our "relationship", everything in the conversation was on the "up and up". She was just shocked at how easily he was able to talk to me, and they hadn't had a conversation like that in years. On the other hand, nobody would ever think that I am capable of something like this. I agree with you that our situation is also not ideal, but it sounds like we are getting way less time than other people get in affairs.
cynic Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 I am a little tired of the moral self-righteoness of many of the ladies on board here....ok, yes, your husbands vowed to be faithful to you. And you were a certain weight when they married you too. And you were sweet and hardworking. Today, you might be a blimp who watches TV all day long and has nothing more on her mind than shopping and bills. Maybe his vows were to a different person. Did you just marry to have the kids and the house and dont really care too much for your guy? Perhaps thats why he found someone who did. If a man is cheating regularly, maybe he has a reason sometimes. And maybe some of these other women offer something he doesnt get at home. Quit whining and own up to some failure yourself.
Blind Illusion Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 I agree with you that our situation is also not ideal, but it sounds like we are getting way less time than other people get in affairs. Not really with me. Even at its most intense point, when he lived closer, we saw each other twice a month at the most. Like you said, he really just fit me into his routine, maybe scheduling an early business appointment so he could justify an overnight stay somewhere. Or he was passing my house anyhow, en route from somewhere he was legitimately coming from.
Hival Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Sounds to me like you have taken your MM's bullsh*t hook, line and sinker. Same old story. "She doesn't understand me." "She's mean to me." "She smells." "She's a pig." "She won't have sex with me, but I love her so much." And you eat it up faster than a pig at a trough. Because your LONLEY. Talk about self-righteousness. That you are not. But that's fine. People like you DESERVE to live in the private hell you've created for yourselves. And reap the negative rewards that come with it. Oh, and the best line of all, "Your special to me", all the while banging still yet another chick on the side. You're all so pathetic. No backbone. No real happiness in your future. Because you ignore the good ones, and constantly run after liars and deceivers You will always be lonely. Remember this, relationships that are begun with lies and deceit are DOOMED!!! That's a fact. Nothing beats pure, honest love. None of you will ever have that because even if you end up with your married man, you will have each others face to look at to remind you of how you got together.
Guest Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Sounds to me like you have taken your MM's bullsh*t hook, line and sinker. Same old story. "She doesn't understand me." "She's mean to me." "She smells." "She's a pig." "She won't have sex with me, but I love her so much." And you eat it up faster than a pig at a trough. Because your LONLEY. Talk about self-righteousness. That you are not. But that's fine. People like you DESERVE to live in the private hell you've created for yourselves. And reap the negative rewards that come with it. Oh, and the best line of all, "Your special to me", all the while banging still yet another chick on the side. You're all so pathetic. No backbone. No real happiness in your future. Because you ignore the good ones, and constantly run after liars and deceivers You will always be lonely. Remember this, relationships that are begun with lies and deceit are DOOMED!!! That's a fact. Nothing beats pure, honest love. None of you will ever have that because even if you end up with your married man, you will have each others face to look at to remind you of how you got together. And this is all writen by a Man himself....possibly a MM???
newbby Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Sounds to me like you have taken your MM's bullsh*t hook, line and sinker. Same old story. "She doesn't understand me." "She's mean to me." "She smells." "She's a pig." "She won't have sex with me, but I love her so much." And you eat it up faster than a pig at a trough. Because your LONLEY. Talk about self-righteousness. That you are not. But that's fine. People like you DESERVE to live in the private hell you've created for yourselves. And reap the negative rewards that come with it. Oh, and the best line of all, "Your special to me", all the while banging still yet another chick on the side. You're all so pathetic. No backbone. No real happiness in your future. Because you ignore the good ones, and constantly run after liars and deceivers You will always be lonely. Remember this, relationships that are begun with lies and deceit are DOOMED!!! That's a fact. Nothing beats pure, honest love. None of you will ever have that because even if you end up with your married man, you will have each others face to look at to remind you of how you got together. at least you only post once every three months
Hival Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 at least you only post once every three months Sorry, not at MM. I'm sure this struck a chord with you. You just don't want to admit it. Your too much into the "selfish" mode to where you don't care about anybody, anything, except your MM. Not even yourself. Pathetic!!
newbby Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Sorry, not at MM. I'm sure this struck a chord with you. You just don't want to admit it. Your too much into the "selfish" mode to where you don't care about anybody, anything, except your MM. Not even yourself. Pathetic!! please read carefully, i did not say anything at all about whether or not you were an mm. which part did you think struck a chord with me, and what do i not want to admit?
Hival Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 newbby, what does my frequency or infrequency have anything to do with my original post? I don't understand. Seems you read it, and respond to the infrequency of my posts.
newbby Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 well since i found your first post lacking in insight or originality, i thought to myself well at least this poster doesnt post often. it was just an observation.
newbby Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 newbby, You must of been reading your own post. surely you mean must have
Hival Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 The volume of your vocabulary is remarkable. I'll be waiting with baited breath for your next syllable.
newbby Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 so do you have anything interesting to say? this stinks of bs, are you sure you are a man? you posted your opinion, but what was your point? these are help forums, either you were attempting to help the op or you were intending to help yourself. has it helped you to insult the op?
Hival Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 so do you have anything interesting to say? this stinks of bs, are you sure you are a man? you posted your opinion, but what was your point? these are help forums, either you were attempting to help the op or you were intending to help yourself. has it helped you to insult the op? Question: other person, good or bad? You must be an "other person". If you have to ask other people advice on how to effectively cheat, you must be one stupid individual. My point? It's that the original poster hasn't gotten to the "bad" part of cheating yet. She's better get out while she can. People like you, instead of helping someone, would rather draw them into the same cesspool you live in. Is all the disruptiveness of an affair not a private hell you live in? Why would you want anybody else to live in that? Misery loves company? Why doesn't she just leave her husband if she's so in love with this other guy (who's probably bs'ing her anyways). I know, I know. This MUST be true love... It feels so right.. He's my soulmate.. What is your opinion on what she should do? I'm sure you have some good pointers on how to cheat.
barbie50 Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Newbby, Just got done reading the whole string of comments from everyone. I am flabbergasted at all of this. Especially your comment last. Where you stated that these are help forums. OMG. HELP FORUMS? Sure did not sound like that to me. Sounds like more of "Can I get ideas on how to keep an affair going with a married man without getting caught". Have not read anything before from Hival but after reading what was said I think he hit it right on the head. It is pathetic. There are plenty of men out there and there is no reason other than you have no self respect and have such low self esteem that you have to be hooking up with a MM. Your letting yourself be used and cheapened. And the worst is that you know it is wrong (obviously because you don't want the wife to find out). Why do you think so little of yourself that you don't strive for a legitimate relationship. It is a proven fact that most cheaters will be cheated on some day. And when it happens no doubt you will be crushed and upset that it happened to you. Then maybe you can really post honestly on this "Help Forum".
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