KittenMoon Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Well. The last 24 hours have sucked. Last night, a guy came to my door asking donations for a new mercury-in-water reduction law. As he was giving his talk, I was standing there, suddenly not feeling so well. One minute my head is feeling light, the next minute this guy is standing over me yelling "Are you alright?!" I had passed right out, managing to hit my head on the way down. I told him I was ok- it was just the heat, tried to go inside, almost blacked out again, finally made it inside to a cool shower. Felt sick, so I started calling friends and my parents. NO ONE was picking up, and I got very,very close to calling my ex. Fortunately, one of my friends I thought was out of town wasn't, so she came over. We called paramedics, they took my BP, suggested seeing my doctor or going to the ER, so we went. Two of my other friends got a message I left and came as well. I was really upset sitting in the ER getting the initial once over by the nurse wondering if my friends would call my ex to let him know what happened. Part of me wanted them to, part of me was terrified knowing I'd burst into tears if he showed up. (Note: my ex is very protective and dependable and would have been over in a shot if he knew what had happened, so it's not that I COULDN'T have called him, but emotionally i didn't want to unless absolutely necessary) Anyways, waited in the ER for several hours- found out I would be waiting 6-7 MORE hours to be seen, so we left. Had an awful night with my mom calling every few hours to make sure I was ok/concious. Called out sick to work, obviously, and I have a DRs appt for this afternoon. However, I put up an away message on my IM saying something funny how I'd never go to another ER w/o Dr.Carter. My ex apparently has his IM open at work and saw it, so he just IMed me making sure I was ok, etc. Awkward- I'd give anything to have had him taking care of me last night. He said he was "very sad" I wasn't feeling well and to let him know if I need anything. Obviously I won't be though, and while the concern was appreciated, I am very sad now. IN fact, I was weepy all yesterday, and I'm crying now. Just miss him a lot I guess, w/ all the added stress. Sorry to whine. The past few hours have just been a huge realization of how little a support structure I have here now (my friend who came over is moving away in 2 weeks). I have hardly anyone to lean on now for these sort of things and its very upsetting.
LaraV Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Well. The last 24 hours have sucked. Sorry to whine. The past few hours have just been a huge realization of how little a support structure I have here now (my friend who came over is moving away in 2 weeks). I have hardly anyone to lean on now for these sort of things and its very upsetting. Whine all you want, kitten. That's what we're here for. It does suck that you don't have more people there to support you through this. Sometimes these things happen. I read somewhere in some book that break ups are very difficult because our society doesn't have the "rituals" for it that we have for other things - like death - with funerals and all that stuff. In many ways, when we lose someone we love, not due to death, we go through it alone. People are there for us, yes, but there is an expectation that after a certain period of time you should just magically be "OK." Now I don't want to be unfair to those who are there for us at these periods of time, it's just that it is hard for them, too, and they can only do so much. If it helps, I've been in a very similar situation. I suffer from a chronic illness that gets really aggravated under stress. A week after my ex left me, about a few weeks ago, my illness got really bad and I was in bed for a week, and on top of that I got a heart infection! I felt SO lonely, and I had my parents around, and they were there for me 24/7, but still, I felt so alone! I wanted my ex to somehow find out and come and comfort me, but of course, what would have been the point? I think it would have only made it worse. So I totally understand how it is that you're feeling. You're already feeling vulnerable as it is from the hearbreak, and to add to that physical illness is just to overwhelming at times. The only thing to do is to remain strong, even if it almost seems impossible. And if you can't, that's fine too. You're allowed to be in shambles. You're human, and you're hurting. And if it helps, please know that at least some of us here are "here" for you, even if we can't physically be there. Stay strong. And whine away. We're here to listen, and be there for you when you can't be strong.
GW7147 Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Hey Kitten, I'm sorry you haven't been feeling well and had to go through your ordeal with little or no support. I'm probably a bit older than you but have experienced many of the same things you describe. I have a very small family. My Father passed in 1988, most of my Aunts and Uncles are gone and the few that are left live in Pennsylvania or England. My Mother is older and my 3 Brothers aren't worth a hill of beans. I recall having to go to hospital in 1987, I was dignosed with diabetes. I remember driving myself to the E/R due to nobody being around that day. When I called my Mother at work, she wasn't able to leave so I handled things myself. When I graduated High School, I went to my graduation alone as my Mom was in the hospital at the time with a broken hip. I have a small circle of close friends however, as time passes, we've all ended up in different places. Of course, we still talk but, it's not the same. My oldest brother doesn't talk to any family members as his wife doesn't allow him (actually, he shouldn't allow that). When I was diagnosed with diabetes, I called him to tell him about my diagnosis, he said "The Doctors will take care of you" and he hung up on me. Keep in mind, I've never done anything to deserve that kind of reaction. My other Brother forged my name on Mortgage papers and my other Brother stole personal affects of mine and sold them for the money. I haven't talked to myh Brothers in years. So, I know about feeling as if nobody is there. My circumstances may seem a bit harsh (I don't know). As lousy as it is at times, I've definitely learned, I don't need anybody in my life to survive. I actually got to the point where I have a difficult time when people want to do me a favor or help me. Kind of sad, I guess. Don't get me wrong, I have close friends and there are people I can go to in an emergency but, it would be nice to know there is somebody that would always be there. Sounds as if, your Mom is supportive and checked up on you. Maybe, you are just going through a period in your life where you're having to count on yourself for a bit. Don't let it get you down. Hold your head up high, and try to feel confident that you can take care of yourself. I assure you, it's only temporary. One day soon, you'll have the love of your life next to you, who would do absolutely anything for you. It's just a matter of time. I wish you well, hope you are feeling better and trust things will change before you know it!!! Regards, GW
Chinook Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 This is my worst nightmare Kitten. I have no one around too. I live about as far away from my parents and friends are scattered up and down the country. I'm left in this house which we bought to be near to HIS parents..!!! But anyhow, the IM thing... um... I had to delete the thing completely from my computer. I only correspond with friends through email now. I just couldn't face seeing him online and the one time I deleted him, he worked it out and tried to add me back again so the request came up on screen. So I just couldn't face it anymore. Emotionally talking was draining us both and seeing as he has a new partner and I'm supposed to be healing... it didn't help at all. I second what GW says though, surviving alone is a skill and it's also a choice. Look at the positives... you were sick and emotionally vulnerable. It feels like crap but you avoided more pain because you wanted to call him, but didn't. That took some guts and know-how with how you were feeling. I know it feels sad, but be proud of yourself... you got through this one.
Author KittenMoon Posted July 18, 2006 Author Posted July 18, 2006 Thanks all- I knew you'd understanf Chinook. And Alchymest went through something liek this not too long ago too . I mean- this was prob just heat but it was scary. I've only come close to passing out a few times before, only once for real when I gave blood. I'm trying to get used to depending on myself, and I have to say its been easier than I thought but suddenly medical issues seem more daunting. Before I was never really alone, cause my ex visited or called everyday, so there was that. My mom is a few hundred miles away so she's upset that I only have a few people close by to check on me physically if need be. As for the IM, I keep him hidden, but he never puts up away messages or shuts his comp down or anything so if his name is there I only know his comp is on. The only reason he IMed me is because my IM was on during the day when I shoudl be at work, he saw my away message about the ER, and got concerned. So thats that. My head aches today... and I'm exhausted. It's making me extra emotional, yknow?
Chinook Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 My head aches today... and I'm exhausted. It's making me extra emotional, yknow? Sounds very much to me like you're dehydrated young lady Also, yeah I know about the IM.. just I couldn't face it you know..? The chance that he might IM me. (sigh) The other thing I was thinking about too when I read your first post is that you're likely to feel really vulnerable when not well for the first time. I know I did. It's because you'll be likely to question 'what would happen if I were REALLY ill and no one were there..? Would anyone even know..?' I know it's really hard not to think like that but I guarantee you that you'll feel better about it emotionally once you pick up physically. Take care of yourself you. Be kind to yourself by sipping cold drinks and resting..!
Author KittenMoon Posted July 18, 2006 Author Posted July 18, 2006 Went to the docs and she did all the simple neurological tests on me. Said it was probably just a simple faint, adn that they happen. Because I had headaches afterwards she did schedule a CAT scan for me just on case. Great, more doctors! >sigh< I feel a little better now after some food and cold iced coffee (coffee helps my headache, which I actually don't think is really directly related to hitting my head). I feel like such a girl! With a case of tha vapors.... >KM fans herself<
Chinook Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 I feel like such a girl! With a case of tha vapors.... >KM fans herself< That really made me laugh! Hope you're feeling better than earlier too.
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