checking his email

July 18, 2006

Things have been going really well with me and my bf since he returned from a week long trip. I am dealing with a lot of things within myself and working on things as he is too.

In that time, if anyone remembers, i had saw he was talking to some girl on myspace and then checked his email (he left open once and then i found his password ont he desktop) i have confronted him, talked through it. that's not forgotten but i feel better about it. i saw an email from him to her that said she has shown him how much in love with his gf he is and then saw her trying to get him to go out and well, after reading it all i felt really good about it all. didn't tell him i saw that. since then i have been obsessed with checking his email...i can't stop. i got on this morning and checked...he ahd an email from a girl he works with but she lives in vegas, i think she's married. anyways, he is a huge flirt and i liek that but NOT when girls flirt back...lol...this girl had flirted with him and i called him out on it this morning...yeah, woke him up. i am a freak. i know how he is and i know he jokes around like that and a lot of his friends joke back with him. i overreacted. it was a single line email...just so they could exchange emails and keep in touch. fine. i have to trust him and understand that he can talk to other girls, lol. as long as it doesn't cross the line. obviously.

well now i can't quit checking his email-wanting to see if he writes her back or if she writes him or what is giong on. he got very upset at me for looking at it again, he didn't sign out properly. he has a valid point for being upset and i had a valid point for asking about it...so after the past few days of being the best i've ever had...i may have ruined it. by jumping the gun...assuming...and we all know waht assuming does.

i do trust him, i don't trusto ther girls. and i have many reasons to support that-with exes. so maybe i'm a little insecure in that.

so now i dont' know how to quit checking his email...i'm addicted...and iknow h'ell change the password and when he does that then i'll think he's hiding something...when it is his private stuff. he doesn't check mine, doesn't know all the emails that i have, doesn't know who i talk to. i never talk to otehr guys or flirt or anything so he has nothign to worryabout but who am i to say that when he says that to me....

anyone ever found out your bf/gf's email and cant' stop checking it? i guess i want everythign to be perfect and i'm making sure it is....what is wrong with me?! what have i become?! psycho gf?!!

July 18, 2006

a little self control and self discipline goes a long way. You need to work on your insecurities, that's what is making you compulsively check up on him and if you continue and don't control yourself it may drive him away.

You CAN'T make sure everything is perfect. All you can do is live your life and deal with stuff as it occurs. You can't prevent him from cheating by going behind his back and stalking him. That's creepy. I have broken up with people for that kind of behavior. I don't deal with it, I just reject it. Kudos to your BF for tolerating it.

But everyone has already given you good advice. Make friends, and associate with people besides your BF. Get your own life, and try to be happy and fulfilled with what YOU do. You'll stop obsessively focusing on your BF and this relationship.

July 18, 2006

i know that's what i need to do. i just can't figure out how to move on and quit this crap...why do i look at his email? well i was waning to see if that girl wrote back...now i know his password, i just can't stop...sounds crazy, i know.

why he's putting up with me? i don't know, i have a feeling i have ruined what good road we were on...all because of my insecurities.

now what do i do? waht do i do now that he knows i checked his email and i know he had that girl email him - i toldh im sorry, sent him an email to his work and he just got there so hasn't had time to respond...i know i screwed up this time, my insecurites screwed me up. how do i get past this and let him know i won't do it again...

July 18, 2006

Focus on something else. Do the work you need to do to focus more on your own life. That will prove more to him than any empty words you could find. Words are cheap. Actions are not.

July 18, 2006

since he has been back it has been amazing, now it's not, i feel like...why do my insecurities always get in teh way? i'm working on it, i really am and it isn't going to happen over night...do i expect him to be mad about this? he left it open this mornining...how can we fix this? i want things to go back to how they were YESTERDAY!!!!

July 18, 2006

You can't. You need to stop clinging to stuff, like moments where you are happy. Everything comes and goes. Good times, bad times, all those things add up to a longterm relationship. Not everything can be happy and bubbly all the time. Overcoming obstacles and issues makes a relationship stronger.

You need to accept that good times come and go. You can't hold on to happiness any more than you can hold on to the wind. That's what life is.

July 18, 2006

You have to get a grip on this, or it's highly likely that you will lose him because of this.

Sorry but it has to be said. I've seen this behaviour drive people away.

Just stop logging in. Ask him to change his pw if you have to. You have to start to put trust in him that regardless of what other women throw themselves at him, that he will do the right thing.

Can you get professional help at all to deal with your insecurities? Just a thought as it would probably help you a great deal.

July 18, 2006

i'm trying...i guess i hold onto happiness because it's way better than sadness lol. i hate to fight and i hate that i am insecure...i don't even know what has gotten me this way.

when i went through my divorce i lost all the friends that i had made here, i met my bf and started hanging out with him and well, over a year later here we are...i have become friends with his friends...i have no one here...no one. i have him. that's my problem. it's not easy finding people to hang out with that enjoy what i like to do and dont' already have their own circle of friends

everytime we fight i get scared we're goign to break up. i've been that way since we got together...close to 2 years now. now we have a house together, talked marriage, talked kids last night! now this...i should have kept my mouth shut and trusted him...like i tell him i do. i just don't trust other girls and their manipulative ways.

i have a lot to work on, part of me feels like i've been doing better, but then things like this happen and i'm back on my ass...

do i call him? do i text him? see..this is all that is going through my mind. i want to make things better...i cant' let it lie. i never have been able to let a fight go or him be in a pissy mood without me bugging him.

i'm so sad now. i see how much of a bad person i have let myself become.

i don't want to lose him because of my insecurities...that's what it's boiling down to. but hwy would he want someone with such insecurities?

July 18, 2006

but hwy would he want someone with such insecurities?

Because he met you and fell in love with you!

Doubtless you weren't so insecure at the beginning of your relationship. The more you invest into a relationship, the more one feels they have to lose and the more insecurities may appear.

Can you get help on your health insurance?

July 18, 2006

do i call him? do i text him? see..this is all that is going through my mind. i want to make things better...i cant' let it lie. i never have been able to let a fight go or him be in a pissy mood without me bugging him.

That's a problem. You have to be able to give people space to figure out how they feel. If you hold on too tightly, it will make him feel suffocated.

July 18, 2006

You may be able to help yourself considerably by reading some good books. There are several titles concerned with jealousy that might help you.

I'd suggest a very good book called 'Mind over mood' by Greenberger and Padesky. This is a book that will explain how it is your own thoughts are distressing you rather than any particular situation.

July 18, 2006

thanks yall.

i have to get ahold of these insecurities...i dont' know when all this started and now it's like i'm about to boil over i'm so full of them...when i foudn out he was talking to some other girl that really turned the heat on and made me see just how insecure i was. h e ended up telling her to quit writing him...so i know i have a good man...i just cant' let go of the fact that he may find someone else, someone better.

he is so freakin hot and has such a great personality...i'm sure he gets hit on all the time. i get hit on every time i go out without him...it's flattering and boosts my ego but i never ever have acted on it or anything. why can't i understand that he's not going to act on it?! ugh

i know that's a trust issue right there. i've seen too many people cheat and i've been cheated on...it happens and it happens very easily from what i've seen. i need to listen to him and believfe him...if i don't i really think i will drive him away.

as for why would he want me and someone who is so insecure, i nkow he did fall in love with me and is going to take what he is given because he loves me...it's just hard to get that into my thick skull.

i really appreciate all of this and spiderman...i'm going to look up that book, i've been sorta keeping away from books, wanted to make sure i chose the right one

and as for health insurance...i only have catastrophic...so no help with my insurance...joys of working for a small company.

July 18, 2006

Try this link :

http://www.smoocherie.com/poly_jealousy.htm

Some great stuff about Jealousy and Envy

I'm sure it may help

July 18, 2006

I agree that she should look into ways to help her build her self-esteem and create a stronger sense of self... but I'm having a hard time believing that her insecurities are delusional. I think her bf isn't helping matters too much. And tossing all the blame on Jess might not be the best course of action.

Honestly, what caused her to obsessively check his email? The fact that she caught him trying to hook up with another girl. You can't build that trust back in a week. She checks his email and the first thing she see's is an email from another women who her bf hasn't informed her about. I dont' know about you... but my bf almost always mentions everyone who emails, calls, or he runs into. Even when he runs into ex's, or if an ex calls.. etc. I'm kept "in the loop". Jess here, isn't.

He shouldn't have emailed a woman ONE week after getting caught trying to hook up with another woman. Both are to blame.

I don't think a bunch of books are going to help her build trust back. I agree that she does need to work on herself, and find ways that BOTH of them can build the trust back into their relationship... but these suggestions I feel, place all the blame on her and reinforce her negative mindset toward herself. That she is completely to blame for the rough times in her relationship. She's not. Her bf needs to pull his head out of his ass and either stop emailing other women... or be more open and communicative with her about these women. All Jess can do is learn ways to increase their communication skills and create a non-hostile environment. One without fear of repercussions for being open and honest.

July 18, 2006

Jess, I think you're taking the first steps to sorting this out. You seem to be really accepting that you have an issue and starting to realise that what you are feeling/thinking when you get insecure isn't the real truth of the situation.

That has to be the first step and you seem to have climbed on it! Keep going girl. You sound really lovely, and I'd like things to work out for you.

Get some resources and start looking at how to improve your insecurities.

July 18, 2006

i ordered a book online, we'll see how that goes. just something to help me sort out why i have these irrational thoughts...hours later i think to myself, gosh jess, you're crazy...that would never happen. this mostly benig when my bf was gone and i created obsurd scenarios...

if he's goign to cheat, he's goign to cheat, just like in any relationship...the more i dwell on this the worse it gets and i may drive him away and that could lead to cheating...i'm not going to let that happen. i want to be happy and i want him to be happy...ii'm going to figure out why i've become the person i've become, i can't spend my days worrying if he is going to cheat on me on his way home from work or at work or hell, he has a computer and email at his work...who's to say he isn't on there all day long. i need to build the trust but i do need his help in that.

i told him if he would share things like other women emailing him or calling then it wouldn't be so bad, he said he deleted the girls email and it meant nothing, not enough to bring up...so that's hard to go back to him and get him to understand that if hed just tell me about other coworkers or whatever...we wouldn't be in this mess...

July 18, 2006

Jess- You and I have a TON in common, not like I or we should be proud of that but it's true. We both love or bf's so much we get sick at the idea of losing them and in that we push our insecurities and fears on them and we could push them away.

First off, do you have health insurance by any chance? I just started seeing a therapist and it has already started to help. it helps you to understand what and why you feel how you do. And i bet the past week or so have been amazing and you have been working on things but the only way to know if things are working is if you get a chance to test it. Just remember these insecurities are you, not him. Honestly, I have read your past emails and yes, you may obsess, but he has done a few things to cause worry. But if you trust him and are willing to get past those incidents then good for you.

The email checking thing, i still check my bf's once in a great while. I used to do it obsessivly especially to his online phone records. I quit that completely. I know the feeling too, you fight yourself to not check and when you start you feel wicked nervous and tense worried at what you may find. Then you feel relief when you find nothing and you say "That is the last time I do that." I have really changed that behavior and keep in mind, this is your behavior to stop. All by yourself.

Here is the crappy part- I am not even 80% better, but i have made major improvements within myself. But my bf and I had a HUGE inncedent last night and of course he gets to throw at me "I knew you'd be mad, I expected it, you always fly of the handle" etc because he is used to my old behavior when i dont think it was the same last night. He went to band practice and is usually home by 10. Well, I work up at 11 and 1:30 calm, (which is already an improvement) then i wake at 2:30. He gets home at 3:15am. I was fuming more or less because he caused me to worry about him. So, HUGE FIGHT! ALmost broke up because he thinks im not changing. I guess we are ok now.

Dealing with insecurity isnt easy! It is fixable though, from what i have heard. Good luck to you!!!

July 18, 2006

thanks ash it is somewhat comforting to hear that we have similar things going on, not that we are insecure but well, i think you know what i'm trying to say.

since i've been back at work and talked to him i haven't checked his email...hey, that's a start. i don't ahve access to his phone records online or i prob would do that too...lol or would have DONE it, not anymore.

i knwo i have a good thing and it's like ti's getting down to the wire...like i'm starting to feel ready to marry again, i want this, i'm 27 and just don't want to have another failure or be wasting my time so that's why i snoop to make myself feel at ease and then to know i'm not wasting my time...like if he were playing me...i hope that doesn't come off wrong. i'm just finally feeling like i am ready, i am okay with the thoughto f marriage AGAIN. i had to go through a lot in my divorce as far as friends and family and now i'm with this man for almost 2 years and i don't want it to go wrong like my ex and i did. i don't want someone else to show him that he'd be happier with them...i have a lot to sort out...i know...it helps to post and get advice...i do appreciate everyone's understanding and advice.

to clear anything up, it's not that i'm 27 and feel like i have to get married...not that my friends are doing it cause they have been and already started their families...a while back i didn't want to get married and i didn't wnat to have kids...i hated kids...now i'm wanting to get married and maybe it's scaring the crap out of me.

July 18, 2006

You need to check yourself for the fact that you looked at his e-mail.

-R-

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checking his email

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