MarieD Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Hello All I have been dating my man for almost 5 months now. I am PMS'ing so everything is bothering me. haha My new man doesn't like to go to parties. He has come to 3 out of the 4 parties that my family has had. I told him yesterday that i want him to be part of my family as much as i am his. He said he'll go to the parties but its just not him. So from that i got the impression that he doesn't like parties. My brother is the same exact way. He doesn't like to go to parties. I was wondering, would this bother any of you women out there? Do u think this is a major problem? My mother said to me this morning, is this what u want a man who doesn't like to go to parties? I have been threw hell with men, lying, cheating , etc. I think if my new man not liking to go to parties, i can deal with any advice>
precious99 Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Your BF not liking to go to parties hardly seems like a deal breaker to me. And besides he says that while he may not like to go he will go anyways - that seems like a guy who is really trying to make you happy. I would focus more on things like - are you happy with him, do you share similar interests, does he make you laugh - things that are important and that will carry you through the good times and the bad. Don't sweat the small stuff!!
blind_otter Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Your BF not liking to go to parties hardly seems like a deal breaker to me. And besides he says that while he may not like to go he will go anyways - that seems like a guy who is really trying to make you happy. I would focus more on things like - are you happy with him, do you share similar interests, does he make you laugh - things that are important and that will carry you through the good times and the bad. Don't sweat the small stuff!! good advice, precious. I'd say that compared to an abusive man, or a drunk, or a slob, this is really no big thing. Some people are shy. Heck, some people have social anxiety and parties are pure HELL for them. I don't think it's that bad.
Walk Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 I think for me it would depend on what kind of "parties", and how often you're talking about. If the two of you have vastly different ideas of "fun", then you might run into some difficulties. However, I think it is an absolutely wonderful trait that he is willing to go with you even though he isn't completely enthralled with the idea. I wish my ex had been like that. That was one of the things that irritated me to the T. If he didn't like the idea, then no way would he go. Or if he did, he'd make damn sure you knew he didn't want to be there. My current bf. He might not like the idea, but he wants me to be happy, so he goes for me and we have fun. Even if it's not something he would do on his own, or choose for himself. I definitely think someone with that trait is a keeper.
cubbbb Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 If he has social anxiety, it is VERY uncomfortable to be around large groups of people he doesn't know well. I have it and some situations are borderline unbearable. Are there certain members of your family that he is comfortable with, or has similar interests.. For example, if he likes chatting about sports, do you have someone that will be at the party that loves this as well? He would probably be happy talking about something he is familiar with and enjoys. If you have social anxiety you simply hate being thrown in to the center of attention around groups of people he is not comfortable opening up to. For example, if you singled him out while sitting around a large dinner table and said "JOE" likes building models (or whatever).. "Tell them about it JOE." I can guarantee you that he is cringing inside and considers this as being "thrown on center stage" to give a public speech without being prepared. This is terrifying, and I would bet his pulse started beating 200 times per minute. I was with a girl for 7 years, who I still to this day consider to be perfect in almost every way except one. I was always expected to go to large family events where I always was uncomfortable. It ended up causing problems because her family started (her mother mainly) started griping to her about being with me saying that "I didn't like their family", because I wasn't very social at all of their events. I liked them fine, but was never made to feel comfortable. When my GF and I were alone, or in smaller groups with her family we had the most wonderful times in the world, and were compatible in every way. Ultimately, I think this is why our relationship ended. I couldn't take being "thrown under the bus" anymore. My best advice is to take it slow. Let him develop relationships with members of your family that he is most comfortable with. Once he has built friendships with them, he will be much more comfortable at your bigger events, because he will have an outlet of people he can flock to if the anxiety gets too much. Because your not a "social butterfly" doesn't mean you can't be a fun and social person in time. It just happens much slower. He can't help it, believe me. I'm 33 and still working on it!
Walk Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 I think having to see your SO's family every single month for a big party is a bit much too. 4 times in 5 months? I cringe thinking of that. I didn't even introduce my SO to my family until after we'd dated for 6 months. Also, I understand how hard it can be on an SO to be put in that situation. So I only ask my bf to do family things on important occasions. Some major holidays or special events. The rest of the time, we treat it as his "free" time to do whatever floats his boat. I get to see my family... he gets guilt free time alone. This way if it's really important to me that he go, then he's more than willing because he isn't obligated or forced into it. Be careful you don't pressure him too much on this. Its not his family, and he didn't grow up with them. It takes time to become comfortable, and innundating him isn't going to speed up the process. Don't take advantage of his generosity in accompanying you to these parties.
norajane Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 I think having to see your SO's family every single month for a big party is a bit much too. 4 times in 5 months? I cringe thinking of that. I didn't even introduce my SO to my family until after we'd dated for 6 months. Also, I understand how hard it can be on an SO to be put in that situation. So I only ask my bf to do family things on important occasions. Some major holidays or special events. The rest of the time, we treat it as his "free" time to do whatever floats his boat. I get to see my family... he gets guilt free time alone. This way if it's really important to me that he go, then he's more than willing because he isn't obligated or forced into it. Be careful you don't pressure him too much on this. Its not his family, and he didn't grow up with them. It takes time to become comfortable, and innundating him isn't going to speed up the process. Don't take advantage of his generosity in accompanying you to these parties. Oh, I totally agree with this! I was going to post that maybe it's not the parties he has a problem with, but so MANY parties with your family...and he's really sweet not to make you feel bad by telling you the truth. I could be wrong, of course, but family parties are very different from events with friends, and it's a lot to ask of a new boyfriend. I wouldn't subject my SO to extended family events unless we were engaged! All those questions...soooo, when are YOU going to pop the question, hmm?
bab Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 I agree that it's probably being around your family more than anything else. My husband's family is much more family oriented than mine, and it's taking some getting used to. Hanging out with a SO's family can be stressful. I'm not suprised that he's not head over heels about it. But, he does go. How does he act once he is there? Does he just hang out in the corner and sulk? If so, this could be a serious problem and possibly a sign that he isn't happy about your family being such a big part of your life. Talk to him about it. You don't want to alienate a great guy just because he's a bit timid around your family, and who will likely open up more in the future. On the other hand if you are as close with your family as I'm getting, you also don't want a guy that is going to alienate you from them. You need to decide which scenerio that you are in, and then act accordingly.
Guest Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Hi Precisous, No my man not liking to go to parties, is NOT a deal breaker! Its only the small stuff! Yes, he does make me laugh & we do like to do the same things. Blind, yes there are so many more serious things that my man could be, abusive, drunk, slob, etc. u r so right! I think he is a little shy. I had social anxiety about 10 years ago & just going to a store, was pure hell for me, never mind parties. I got over that though, thank god. Cubbb, thanks for the advice, i have been in your shoes, thanks for the advice. I will take it slow, i mean it is only 5 months. Walk, I won't pressure him too much! I don't think that its my family that he doesn't like, i think its just crowds of people that he doesn't know. Nora, i only had 4 family parties in 5 months. His family had like 10 get togethers that i went to every single one. BAB, we are both very family oriented, we both wanted someone who was too! When he goes to these parties, he is very kind & nice & chats with my family, he doesn't sit & sulk in the corner! He would never alienate me from my family, Family is very important to both of us. My man did tell him that he was on medication in the past for anxiety. I don't think he has it as bad as i did though. I think he might just have a minor case of it, where he doesn't like crowds of people. I have took note that he doesn't like to walk into a place when there is a huge crowd of people & then they stare at him, it makes him feel uncomfortable. I think this is something that will get better as time goes on & he gets to know my family better. I am not going to let it bother me. It seems to bother me more, when i am PMS'ing for some reason. hahah
Author MarieD Posted July 18, 2006 Author Posted July 18, 2006 My man is great, in every other way. He cooks dinner for me 3/4 times a week! He cleans up after dinner, etc. He treats me like a queen. U guys are right, i am not going to let this petty thing bother me. He's a great man, even though timid at times!! Big deal!
Walk Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Nora, i only had 4 family parties in 5 months. His family had like 10 get togethers that i went to every single one. Wow. 10! Dang. Never mind what I said about innundating him with your family.
Author MarieD Posted July 19, 2006 Author Posted July 19, 2006 Hey When I say parties, I mean barbeques at their house or brothers house, dinners at restaurants, dinner at a family members house, or niece or nephew pool parties, not like huge extended family parties, we both only had 1 of those.
electric_sheep Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Ha. A lot of the really "good" men probably don't like to go to parties. Being introspective and socially reserved is not a bad trait in my opinion. Parties can be fun, but just as often they are loud, smokey, and a waste of time. Some people just don't like having to make annoying small talk all night long. As for me, I don't mind parties after the second drink or so. Before then I find them intolerable. You mention cheating and lying. Well, I'm sure a lot of cheaters just love parties ... after all, it's a great opportunity to pick up women.
Author MarieD Posted July 19, 2006 Author Posted July 19, 2006 yes electric sheep, u r correct. ONe of my ex boyfriends used to check out chicks from head to toe, right in front of me when we first started dating. When i asked him why he does that , his reply was " i do it now in the beginning, just so u know that thats how i am for when i do it in the future." What a jerk!!!!!! When we were out at dinner one night with my family, he checked out the waitress right in front of my parents!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I have gold now compared to what i used to have!! WOW, to think what i used to put up with makes me sick!!
Brittanyjean06 Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 It's not that he may have Social anxiety. But It isn't his family so the level of comfort woulden't be the level of comfort he would feel with his family. I agree with people's advice here. I think everyone has a fear of meeting new people or being around people your not really familar with just because you don't know any of them and it is hard to interact with other people. No this is not even something you should be concerned with. We all have are likes and dislikes.
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