lolly Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 [FONT=Tahoma][sIZE=2]i've been seeing mm for about 8 months.used to travel together to work(he works close to me).he was the one who pushed to be friends,said that was all he wanted.then suddenly he would say,we can't be friends,cause he has feelings and that i shouldn't call.so i don't and then after a few days he starts calling again.we've been on and off i don't know how many times.we have never done anything physical,it is purely emotional.it feels as if we just have so much in common.i think i've come to terms with the fact that we can only ever be friends,so i tried to distance myself.like not call so often and didn't wait for him after work.then he sent me some e-mail saying that he thought we were friends,and that if one day he could not call me i would just not bother at all.and is that how friends are supposed to treat each other??and then he goes on to say, he guess it is his fault??? so i end up calling him and we just go back to our usual "thing".that is, we pretend we "just friends", cause as long as we believe this we doing nothing wrong.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Tahoma][sIZE=2]we can chat to each other for HOURS and it doesn't seem that long..... [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Tahoma][sIZE=2]all the times we have NC was somehow due to him...like he won't say anything, it would just be that when i call him he would be distant, sound all morbid and i'd feel as if he doesn't want to talk to me, so i'd back off...then suddenly he'd start calling again, being his usual self. i've spoken to him about this already and he says that he is not running away from me, it's just that he feels that if he's gonna see me he's gonna do something inappropriate, so he was trying to distance himself?? but it hurts...and he swore he won't do it again....and really....he hasn't. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Tahoma][sIZE=2]so now we friends...and i care about him alot...and i don't know how to tell him that i can't be his friend! he calls me his best friend. says he tells me things he doesn't tell anyone else. what he doesn't know is how this hurts me. he has all the freedom to tell me anything, call me anytime...i can't do the same.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Tahoma][sIZE=2]my question is...why do they always come back...like when you break it off....they'll come back with all this sad story, saying they love you, but ja......what do they want??[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Tahoma]can someone pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease shed some light???[/FONT]
stoopid_guy Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 He wants a perfect relationship with you and his wife, he wants to be a good husband (father?) and a good boyfriend. He wants to feel valued. He knows he can't have all that, and his head and heart are fighting over it. He's settled for being a "good" husband (father?) and having a good female friend. He may or may not know what it's doing to you. (But probably knows and doesn't want to admit it to himself.) (I'm speaking from experience.) Now, you have to decide what you want.
Guest Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 He's not a 'friend' He's a guy who has feelings for you who is trying to stifle them. OR...he is trying to come up with a way to justify an affair. OR...he is trying to figure out how to end his current situation and be with you. In any event, this is a would-be lover, not a friend. How do you think he'd feel if you were with some other guy? Or how do you think he'd react if you got engaged? A 'friend' would be happy for you. I doubt he would. You don't have to worry about a 'friend' acting inappropriately, in terms of sexual behavior. This guy is constantly trying to stop himself. A friendship is equal -- if he can call you, you can call him. Doesn't sound like you can do that on your end. I'd be blunt and up front with him and say, "Look, I realize you need someone to talk to. But this situation has made me very uncomfortable." He cannot continue you contact with you if you don't allow it. Do not take his phone calls or respond to emails.
stillafool Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 He comes back because he is attracted to you and doesn't want to let you go. He knows you like him too and he is fantasizing about sleeping with you. He probably won't leave his wife. How long has he been married? How old is he and you? Do they have children?
Author lolly Posted July 18, 2006 Author Posted July 18, 2006 [FONT=Tahoma][sIZE=2]thanks for your reply. i could be fine with being friends,but it always reaches a point where he'll bring it back up, such as asking questions like "do you miss me..." and saying things like "have you ever thought about how it would be if we were married...". usually, i'll just ignore such statements, cause sometimes i think he regrets them after saying them...and doesn't mean to lead me on. he'll be changing jobs tho, so i won't really be seeing him anymore. my friend has told me to tell him that we can't be friends. and i would do this if he i actually believed he was a bad person. but i don't. so i can't just cut him off. sometimes i push it,like try and force him to be nasty,so that i can have a reason to say...hey...i don't think i can't be ur friend anymore because of xyz.... the thing is...i want to hold onto his friendship!!! tho i know it's wrong!! do you think the feelings between us will lessen now that we don't work so close to each other anymore??[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Tahoma][sIZE=2]if u don't mind me asking...how did u handle ur situation???[/sIZE][/FONT]
Author lolly Posted July 18, 2006 Author Posted July 18, 2006 He comes back because he is attracted to you and doesn't want to let you go. He knows you like him too and he is fantasizing about sleeping with you. He probably won't leave his wife. How long has he been married? How old is he and you? Do they have children? I've very confused...but I do believe he cares. He's been married for 4 and a half years. He's 23, I'm 24 and he has 1 kid (nearly 4 years old).......
stillafool Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Lolly, I think you should definitely leave him alone. Thank goodness he won't be working with you anymore. You have to stay away from him because of the feelings you already have towards him. He has a wife and child and no good can come from involving yourself with him. There are so many single guys out there for you to meet. After this guy is gone for 2 weeks and if you don't call, email, text or see him you will start to forget. Go out and have some fun with some single people.
Author lolly Posted July 19, 2006 Author Posted July 19, 2006 He's not a 'friend' He's a guy who has feelings for you who is trying to stifle them. OR...he is trying to come up with a way to justify an affair. OR...he is trying to figure out how to end his current situation and be with you. In any event, this is a would-be lover, not a friend. How do you think he'd feel if you were with some other guy? Or how do you think he'd react if you got engaged? A 'friend' would be happy for you. I doubt he would. You don't have to worry about a 'friend' acting inappropriately, in terms of sexual behavior. This guy is constantly trying to stop himself. A friendship is equal -- if he can call you, you can call him. Doesn't sound like you can do that on your end. I'd be blunt and up front with him and say, "Look, I realize you need someone to talk to. But this situation has made me very uncomfortable." He cannot continue you contact with you if you don't allow it. Do not take his phone calls or respond to emails. we both do know that we not just friends. it's just....we know we can't be together...so would rather have each other as friends than not be a part of each others life at all. he's wife knows that we travel together. and he says that she is fine with it.... he usually will tell me stories about how she can get really jealous if he even just says hi to another female...so i don't really get that she's fine with us travelling together, especially since he once told me that he is sure she somehow knows that he is in love with me, cause he'll talk about me in his sleep. but then again...i don't see why he would lying about her being fine with it. i know this is wrong, but i can't just give up the friendship......i've tried on numerous occasions...but eventually we end up talking to each other again, and then we even more close than before. now it is not so much about denying how we feel...but rather making sure we don't acknowledge and act on it..... sometimes i feel that maybe i should just tell him i'm seeing someone....do you think that will work??
newbby Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 its an emotional affair. ea. even by itself, it can be just as emotionally difficult as a physical one in many ways. i think most pa's have a definite beginning in a ea. most struggle to keep thngs from becoming physical, but as time goes on it gets harder to do. most are adamant that it will not turn physical but the feelings grow stronger and stronger, and it seems more and more 'right'. although your mm sounds as though he is struggling with this and so it seems he is definetly genuine, this is the way MOST mm start out. struggling with it, which makes you feel even more that this is something genuine and STRONG and real. the trouble is, that he will always BE struggling with it. the whole relationship wont progress beyond this point. it will change but still stay the same, if it is typical, and it sounds as though it is. what do you REALLY want from the situation? because you are already having a relationship, whatever label you choose to put on it. the more you deny it, then the more you will avoid recognising in yourself what you want from it. this is VERY important, without knowing what the desired direction of the relationship is, then you are under the control of the desire, rather than the other way round. if you can unashamedly look at what you want from the situation, then you can take positive steps toward this objective, without settling for less, through a fear of loss.
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