Sinistervixen Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 I keep editing my thoughts. Trying to get them out but not doing it right. My MM is dealing with grief and i dont feel right confronting him with my insecurities. Im fine as long as i take it as just friends with benefits, but once i think about all the plans we had, it gets real stabby like. The fact that he is withdrawn right now makes me feel even more insecure. I want to be there for him as a friend, but its hard to when my own emotions are mucking it up. Have to say before it is said many times, NC is not a option, we work together. Weekends suck for me, so on monday i want that reassurance i couldnt get it this week and im being a big baby. *waits for the backlash* Can someone who has decided to stick it out with the MM help me a bit please?
GreenEyedLady Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Don't say anything right now. Your post doesn't say why MM is grieving, but right now he is just able to deal with his own grief/feelings. Swallow your insecurity for the short-term. In better times, you can address that. Treat him like you would treat any lover. If he wants to talk, listen. If not, just let him know that you're there for him.
Author Sinistervixen Posted July 19, 2006 Author Posted July 19, 2006 Thank you GEL. That is what i did. Felt insecure all day, knowing he was emailing the W and barely talking to me. I did end up telling him, but in the most gentle way. We got thru the day. His first wife died 3 years ago, and it was the anniversary of her death. That is his grief. My ache to know that i cant be there for him like i want to, that the W gets to. he pulled away in his grief and im just so scared that he wont come "back". i have such a tenative hold on his life. I need to empower myself here. So many things i didnt say to him cause i knew it was inappropriate. Weird situation to deal with. But once again thank you very much for your help
yesmaybe Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Sinistervixen... My MM's father died around Christmas of last year. At that point, we were living in different continents. And yet, I proactively supported him. Emailed him. Called him. I stopped thinking about myself, and instead focused on his loss. My unwavering, enveloping warmth and support was the first step in our relationship developing.
Author Sinistervixen Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 Yes that reaffirms my self loathing of having my own emotions intrude. We talked it out today. I told him directly that I wanted to be there for him, but many things were preventing me. It wasnt just my insecurity there was a list of things getting longer that had changed. Now that he knows where i am in my head, i can focus on him again. I hate the fact that i need validation for all kinds of stuff. My stars. All day today i was thinking "why hasnt someone said how good i looked today?" I wore something new and I thought was cute, but no one said anything. So i kept telling myself "you feel good and that is all that matters" After Him and I talked today and got things out, first thing he says was how good i looked. No prompting whatsoever. one of the many reasons we click, we think alike.
Author Sinistervixen Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 I broke down again today. Its a matter of dealing with what i have as opposed to whineing about what i have not, or better yet worrying about what i will lose.
newbby Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 sv, you sound as though you are extremely insecure. perhaps you can look at this occurence as a personal challenge. the fact that you cannot put these insecurities aside for something so important, is something you could pay attention to, and do something about. after all needing for other people to tell you how you look etc, is a very dependent way to be, and so you are always in everybody elses control this way. do you want to be so dependent? wouldnt it be nicer to be a strong, independent woman, who couldnt give a s*** who thought she looked good? they say you cannot love another until you love yourself, and i believe this to be true in many ways, and many levels, but you can see here, you are finding it difficult to love another due to being self absorbed, which is only happening because you dont feel good about (love) yourself. what do you think?
Author Sinistervixen Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 I completely agree with you. Sad thing is before being with him i was all those things. Couldnt care less what people thought. I was in a long term relationship that was going nowhere and was about as lifeless as a sloth. So i was shut down emotionally. I had thoughts of wouldnt it be nice if i had a guy who would help me with my kids, help me get a house...all of those dreams. But i didnt allow myself to really look at them closely cause i was living life day by day on my own. Then this guy comes along and says all those things that i didnt dare dream about and I opened up. Started wearing skirts again, looking more feminine. Dreaming of the future. Three months later her changes his mind. Now im lurching and choking on this. I havent regained my balance yet. He did this a month ago and i had a rough week. Then i was better, and getting better. Then this week, it stirred it all up again. I suspect hormones are involved. I have OCD that i take medication for and i think i need to readjust those. I think i just have dark days that if i dont reach out to others i am afraid of what i might do.
newbby Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 yes, i totally understand. i really do. do you feel that you have a personal centre? a place of peace that you can find, or realise, that is inside of yourself? because that is the most important thing.
yesmaybe Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Yes, you feel insecure and need his attention. But what will that do to your relationship in the long run? When MM's father died last year, I was the only one in his life who gave him unconditional, unselfish support. His wife was sympathetic but unhappy that their vacation had been cut short. His other OW was sympathetic, but dealing with her own insecurities of their relationship. 2 months later, he stopped seeing the other OW. 3 months later, he started contemplating divorce. There is no doubt in my mind that my proactive support was the start of this process. So, now you have to ask yourself - what do you want as your end goal? If you want MM, then you need to show him that you can be strong when it counts.
Author Sinistervixen Posted July 22, 2006 Author Posted July 22, 2006 So how do i love, and yet stop being in love? It was nice to know he is feeling all the same torture i am concerning this relationship. He actually thanked me for making him think about me instead of dwelling on the past. So once again i need to accept things as they are. do i want to latch on that tiny speck of hope. I cant say right now because i am too exhausted emotionally from the week and the indepth conversation today. See its one thing to know your MM is in a hideous relationship and you are the bright spot. He is in a decent relationship and i happen to come along when things were not so great. I cant tell if i am deluding myself into believing that it cant be that great if he still wants me.
whichwayisup Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 See its one thing to know your MM is in a hideous relationship and you are the bright spot. He is in a decent relationship and i happen to come along when things were not so great. I cant tell if i am deluding myself into believing that it cant be that great if he still wants me. Bottom line is this. He will keep you as the OW, as things are now. He more than likely isn't going to leave his wife. The ball is in your court. You have no idea how much control you have over your own life. Problem is, I don't think you see that. Why would he give you up when things are so good for him? A wife at home, who loves him and they share a life together. He's happy. He also has you, and you meet some of his needs too. So, with TWO women in his life, he's a happy man! DO you want to stay second best? Don't you feel you deserve to be loved by a man who isn't with someone else? You met him when things were rough, but obviously not rough enough for him at home to get a divorce and be with you. Take some time off...He is grieving and going through things that he can't share with you. It has nothing to do with you, so don't take it personally. Give him space, and while you have that space, figure out what YOU want. Are you willing to be the OW forever? How long do you want to feel insecure, sad and alone when he's not around? Because from what I've read here in this section, this can go on for years and years... You say you weren't insecure before. You were strong and independant. Well, LOOK at what this relationship as done to you as a person. Made you feel different, act different and changed you in NOT good ways. This relationship has made you feel more bad emotions than good..Even though when you're with him I'm sure those feelings are intense - But they don't last long once he's gone home to his wife...
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