MaeMae Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I've been dating a great guy for almost 10 months. He is 40 and has never been married. When we first met, he explained that falling in love is a process for him -- it does not happen over night. He also explained that he does not like "needy" women or "controlling" women. I told him about my pet peeves and all was good until a few weeks ago. We both agreed that we eventually want to settle down and be married. His friends and family do not live in this area -- they live several hundreds of miles away. He has met my friends and family and they all like him very much. He says his friends and family know he is dating me, however, his best friend was in town for a week and he did not introduce me to him. This really hurt my feelings. I also asked him to go to a wedding in the Carribean with me and he kept putting off a decsion -- obviously did not want to go. I got upset with him and called him and confronted him saying that I feel that he is not opening his life to me as I am to him. Now perhaps I was not as nice and in control as I should have been when I called him, but it's in the past. He responded to this by saying "you are taking things more seriously and that he does not want to get deep right now. He said it could be me or a beauty queen -- he does not want to get deep at that moment. I asked him if he saw potential down the road and he said yes. In a later conversation, he said that he doesn't want us to consider eachother boyfriend and girlfriend (dictating what the other can and can't do). He said we are just "dating". This really hurt my feelings. However, we have discussed the fact that neither one of us are dating other people and if that changes, we are to let the other person know. We get together every weekend and see eachother once per week, sometimes twice. We've gone away for a weekend and have had a great time. He calls me every night or every other night and has done so for the 10 months we have been together. He has to transfer to another city in a couple of years, which worries me. Am I crazy or is this guy a committment phobic guy? Is 10 months long enough or someone to want to get deep? Or could these statements be normal for a guy? His actions are so different than his words. He's affectionate, respectful, we have long, deep conversations, we are attracted to each other, he loves my family, he cooks for me and is thoughtful. But I'm having a lot of trouble getting passed the words he has used about the dating thing. Should I dump him or give him more time to fall for me/have no hesitation about getting deep? I don't want to date others, so that is not a solution. I'll either dump him and move on or hang in there and wait a while longer. Any advice (especially from guys) is very much appreciated.
norajane Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 A 40 year old guy who has never married is very likely to be commitment phobic, yes. AND he's likely to be very set in his ways; not likely to change much about his behavior. AND he's likely to see any requests/desires that you have as controlling behavior on your part...exactly the kind of behavior that makes him want to withdraw from the relationship. Have you talked about his past relationships? How/why have they ended? If all (or most) of his relationships end when the woman in his life wants a commitment, then I think you have your answer.
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