Guest Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I could use some advice on my situation, either part or all of it. Thanks. I have been dating my girlfriend for a little over two years now and we have been living together for a little over seven months. We are both 30. We met during a shared activity that we both enjoy, perhaps me more than her. This is one of the things that attracts to me to her; that she enjoys similar activities as me. Another thing that I am attracted to is that she is very intelligent and logical. She looks at a situation and gives it analytical thought and usually makes a somewhat objective decision. I also think she is very beautiful. I have had jealousy issues in this and past relationships. In past relationships, when feelings of jealousy have arisen I have simply dropped the relationship. This relationship, I have created elaborate scenarios in which somehow she is cheating on me and dwelled on them. When these feelings would occur, I would become melancholy and ask questions to try to catch her in a lie. I’m not sure what causes the jealous feelings, whether it has been getting burned in the past or insecurities, probably a mixture of both. We both think this issue has got better though. Now when a scenario comes into my mind, I either think “if this really is an issue, it will come out eventually” or I think that she is an honest person and would not intentionally hurt me. This is what I truly believe her to be. We didn’t have sex until several months after dating. Although we did have some foreplay, she was a virgin until then. Since then sex is very infrequent. Most times that we do have sex, I will touch her and she will recoil. This makes me really uncomfortable and makes me not want to initiate sex. When we do have sex it tends to be formalized and not spontaneous. Add onto this, I feel that we are both being pressured, to an extent, and pressuring ourselves to move to the “next steps” with this relationship. Her mother, told her, which she relayed to me in confidence, that “he can afford to wait, but now is the time for you to decide who you are going to have children with.” So we are trying to decide now, if we’re going to get engaged in the fall, so we can get married next year, so we can have kids the following year. I think she is great with kids and would make a great mother. She wants to plan, I prefer a wait and see approach. Also, I feel smothered. I can not be in a room in the house for more than 15 minutes until she comes in to join me. I will be reading, watching tv, or in thought and she will tell me something, which sometimes I honestly don’t hear her talking to me, and I will be ignoring her and she will become upset. She sends me on average 9 emails a day, including articles she has read, and wants me to responds to them. Last night, it came up for the first time really that we might not work out. I’ve explained to her how I feel and asked her how she feels. I think she feels that she may not be getting enough emotionally out of it. I think this is justified thought. Any thoughts on the limited info I provided? Spare no punches.
Walk Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Difficult situation. There are a lot of issues at play in your relationship. However, from my non-professional view, I would say they are all things that can be worked through, assuming both of you are willing. Have you asked her what her emotional needs are? And what does she say? I find its easier for me to give my bf more space when I feel that he's fulfilling my emotional needs. The more I feel he's drawing away, the more I tend to "smoother" him. This is my thought. I wonder if maybe you don't feel that your needs are really being met the way you would like. And because of this, maybe you haven't been as diligent in meeting her emotional needs. Both of you feel that there's a disconnect. You react by pulling away further. She reacts by "chasing" you to get more interaction. (emailing, following you around the house, etc.) If any of this sounds accurate, then marriage is the last thing the two of you need, so it doesn't help to have parental pressure put on the both of you. Personally... It doesn't matter that her mom wants grandkids. This is about the two of you, and only the two of you. Have you talked to her about her feelings on sex? What has she said? Is it insecurities on her part? Does it hurt during intercourse? There are a lot of reasons why she may be hesitant to have sex. One of which might be physical discomfort during the act. Could be something medically related. If you could answer some of these questions, then maybe other people on here can help give more concrete suggestions. Last thing. Try not to see your relationship as one huge problem. These are seperate problems, that are interelated. Break the problems down into more manageable parts. Smaller things don't seem so daunting. Try addressing her emotional needs first. Start with what will begin to make her feel more loved. You don't have to fix one before you work on another, but don't tackle them all in one day. Post back, and if you can answer some of these questions it would help narrow down possible things you can do to help strengthen your relationship.
Guest Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Have you asked her what her emotional needs are? And what does she say? I find its easier for me to give my bf more space when I feel that he's fulfilling my emotional needs. The more I feel he's drawing away, the more I tend to "smoother" him. I guess a good way to phrase this is 'what makes you happy?' This is my thought. I wonder if maybe you don't feel that your needs are really being met the way you would like. And because of this, maybe you haven't been as diligent in meeting her emotional needs. Both of you feel that there's a disconnect. You react by pulling away further. She reacts by "chasing" you to get more interaction. (emailing, following you around the house, etc.) This is probably pretty accurate Have you talked to her about her feelings on sex? What has she said? Is it insecurities on her part? Does it hurt during intercourse? There are a lot of reasons why she may be hesitant to have sex. One of which might be physical discomfort during the act. Could be something medically related. She was very religous for some time, which is the reason she states she abstained from sex. But she abstained even after this period in her life. There is physical discomfort, even after foreplay and other preperations. She has been to the GYN, and her 'uterus?, vaginal canal? is shaped upwards slightly, but the GYN doesn't seem to think it should be much of a problem. I really don't know what else is the problem. I've asked her. Sex with her needs to follow an exact pattern. 'You can touch my breast now' pulls back 'Don't touch my nipple yet' I don't know. Last thing. Try not to see your relationship as one huge problem. These are seperate problems, that are interelated. Break the problems down into more manageable parts. Smaller things don't seem so daunting. Try addressing her emotional needs first. Start with what will begin to make her feel more loved. You don't have to fix one before you work on another, but don't tackle them all in one day. Good advice on everything. Thanks.
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