cariad Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Hey Guys My husband of five years died last jan, a week before our daughters 2nd birthday. He had asbestos cancer and was sick for about 7 mths before he died. Anyway our girl is 3 now, and asks questions, and i do find it hard trying to explain. Just the other night, she was in bed, and started saying "i want my daddy". This was very hard for me as i was fighting the tears and saying that daddy is in heaven, and whenever you need to talk to him, he will always listen, and will always be watching over you, even though you ca'nt see him. Is this the right thing to say? She has seen me get upset, and when she asks what is wrong, i tell her im feeling sad, because i miss her daddy, but we always talk and resolve things. any input would be great love gill x
bluetuesday Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 what a sad situation, i'm so sorry. i think what you're saying is absolutely fine - that daddy is in heaven and watching over her and keeping her safe and is always there if she needs someone to talk to. i found this - it's actually how to explain god to a child. but if you substitute the word god for daddy i think it would work. “Close your eyes, and you will feel that God is with you inside your heart. When you go inside your heart, you will always feel God’s presence with you. God is there to protect you. God is there to comfort you. God is there to show you what to do. You can always find God in your heart, and he will always guide you in your life. So God is like an invisible person who is always there with you.” gill, it's lovely that you can talk with your daughter about being upset and missing your husband. it's so important to talk naturally to her about her dad. many people can't or won't talk about those who have died. that breeds unhappiness and unresolved issues in my opinion. it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job in such difficult circumstances.
The slayer Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I'm so very sorry to hear this, my heart goes out to you. I think small children are able to understand way more than we usually give them credit for. They also have an amazing ability to be really pragmatic as they don't attach all the learnt experiences we as adults bring to a painful situation. I would say just be as truthful as you can be. Talking about Heaven and religious ideas can be really valuable, but I wouldn't rely totally on euphamisms as an alternative to being clear about the truth. In my opinion she needs to understand that he is dead as well as,otherwise she might not be able to understand why he never comes to visit her and why she can't go and see him in heaven. She also needs to understand that you are very upset and that you too miss him so she can understand her own feelings. So you don't need to feel you always have to hide your pain. From your post I'd say you are handling a painful and difficult situation very well. I hope you someone supporting you.
quankanne Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 you have my condolences on your loss ... especially in trying to deal with it as both a partner AND as parent of such a small child. you're doing a good job, from what you've shared: You're keeping the explanations simple enough for her to grasp and you're building her up by assuring her that even though her daddy's not here physically, he still loves her very, very much. And that is a wonderful thing for a little girl to know! when you are able to do so without it hurting so badly, start sharing memories of her daddy with her and keep doing so as she gets older. Trust me, it pays off in the long run: My brother died 14 years ago in a car wreck, when his youngest was 3 or 4. Derek doesn't really remember his dad, but because his mother has been so good about sharing memories about him, he's got a very healthy image of his dad. We got to meet him for the first time ever this month, and he was very curious about my brother, wanted to hear all our memories about him and was happy to just share, you know? I think your little girl will respond the same if you present her daddy in the same light, that even death cannot make love go away. hugs to you and your little one, quank
scrybe74 Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I agree with Slayer. I think children are far more resilient and understanding than adults give them credit for. The sooner she understands about death and the death of her father the sooner she can really grieve and come to grips with it....in her own way. I know that my mother told many halftruths and gave vague responses to me as a child about extremely traumatic or important issues in my life....and I grew to resent her for it. I too am very sorry for your loss. I'm sure you find the right words when the time comes.
lil_angel Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 scrybe and slayer, you both seem to be assuming heaven is a way to mask the truth or make it easier to bear, some of us happen to believe that daddy in heaven *is* the real truth.
scrybe74 Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 scrybe and slayer, you both seem to be assuming heaven is a way to mask the truth or make it easier to bear, some of us happen to believe that daddy in heaven *is* the real truth. Sorry if I came off that way. I'm don't mean that saying daddy is in heaven masks the truth at all. I just got the impression from the OP that she wasn't sure that her daughter really understood the concept of death and that her daddy will not return in this life time. If that is the case then I think (and I'm guessing slayer too) that she should try to not dance around the tough part of death. Heaven is part of the story but not returning, that people who die no longer walk among us...that aspect is sometimes ignored or minimized. I could be way off but that's the impression I got. It took my son a few months to understand the concept of death. (We started discussing it at age 2-3). It started with the the falling of pine needles from the christmas tree. Over the next several months when we encountered examples of death we would talk about it. I tried to be neutral emotionally about it. What I mean is that I tried to help him understand that death was a cycle of life like being born, growing up, etc. Sometimes we would see a dead animal on the road, or he would ask me about a dead relative, etc. At one point he realized that I will die someday and he got pretty sad about it but I told him that I would be in heaven waiting for him and when that day comes for him to live his life, be a father and then grandpa and then he would join me but that it would take a long time. This entire process took almost a year of conversations before he fully grasped the concept and was able to deal with it in a positive healthy way. I'm just saying that death is sometimes treated as a something to never be spoken of when in fact it should be talked about like birth and any other cycle of life to help people deal with their grief and fears around it....that along with whatever religion or faith you subscribe to. So my other advise to the OP is to take your time......keep talking to her about it when she wants to talk about it. Sure....let her know that her daddy is looking down on her but talk about death in a broader sense as well and help her to adjust and accept it. At her age she will sooner than you think.
The slayer Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 scrybe and slayer, you both seem to be assuming heaven is a way to mask the truth or make it easier to bear, some of us happen to believe that daddy in heaven *is* the real truth. I don't mean to imply that, just that the concept of heaven is so abstract that the finality of death in a physical sense needs also to be understood.
Pink_Tulip Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 I agree with what everyone else said, but want to add that children at that age don't really understand that death isn't a choice. Please make sure that you tell her daddy wanted very much to stay, but God wanted him in heaven, or whatever you feel comfortable saying. She needs to know her daddy didn't abandon her, I can't stress how important that is. I am sorry for your loss.
Trimmer Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 scrybe and slayer, you both seem to be assuming heaven is a way to mask the truth or make it easier to bear, some of us happen to believe that daddy in heaven *is* the real truth. lil_angel - I respect that belief, but I think that if all a child is told is "daddy is in heaven", then it is being used as a way of making death easier to bear, and to avoid the reality of what death means here on earth, and the fact that we, as humans, do grieve such losses. I believe that as scrybe, slayer and P_T have suggested, dealing with the reality of death is important to give a child a concrete idea of what both life and death on earth mean, and is not at all incompatible with a belief in what comes after... As with other topics that we, as adults, have difficulty with (sex is another example), I believe that it's possible to give gentle, simple, and age-appropriate, but also honest and concrete answers. Answer the question, and only the question. They will ask more as they need it. gill - we kind of got off on a slight tangent here, and I hope you won't take my comments above as any kind of criticism of your handling of your situation. I like quankanne's suggestion of sharing your loving memories of your husband with your daughter. Your daughter is a wonderful, enduring gift from your husband to you and the rest of us still here on earth, and your memories of him can be a gift from you to her...
chryssy83 Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 I also think that the OP is doing a fine job. Hiding things from her or saying things that aren't true can't possibly be the answer, and I think that this way she will grow up knowing what happened. That should make the reality of having a deceased father easier to accept. As she ages, I would just share more and more detail with her when appropriate. As for your discussions about YOUR grief....I'm really impressed. It's so great that you can show her it's okay to be emotional about this!! One thought, though...do you have an adult you can talk to about your grief, too? This has got to be so hard, just make sure that you don't overlook your wellbeing as you focus on what's best for your sweet little girl. I worked with a child a few years ago whose mother had passed away from cancer only months before. She had a necklace around her neck with her mother's name on it...sometimes she would get really upset, even to the point where we had to call her father. Most of the time, though, she would just cry and want to be held. She was afraid her dad might leave, too, she said. Make sure that your daughter knows that you, your family, friends, whoever, will take care of her. You can't promise you won't ever die, but I know that child in particular was spending some time with an aunt and uncle to provide additional support. Her father would always say that he and the aunt and uncle would always make sure she was taken care of...that way he didn't have to promise any one person would always be there for her. I, too, am very sorry for your loss. I am sure that there are still hard times ahead, but please be encouraged. You seem to be doing the right thing right now, and your daughter is very lucky to have you. God Bless.
Guest Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 its hard i know, sorry for your loss i have a friend whos sons father was killed in a car accident and he was young about 3. you are doing the right thing, talking, just keep doing what you are doing, kids arent going to exactly understand but overtime and putting it all together they will, he is 9 now so 6 years later.. his gma just passed away, when we were at the hospital i told him, now gma can be with your daddy, and he looked confused and said 'i thought there was only room in heaven for one' i told him i didnt think so that everybodies together and watching all the great things he does, well at the funeral he freaked out and stood up and said with lost teary eyes' i know i just know my daddies in heaven now.' musta been something the preist said about his gma, he realized that everyones in heaven thats not here not just one person. anyways my point, its hard and as long as you tell your daughter that dad isnt here anymore and wont be again that he is with god like you have been doing, between books, tv, friends, and lifes experiences she will begin to understand and process it in due time in her way, she just so darn young. i am soo sorry hugs
Zeeboo Zebuloo Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 "...Daddy is in heaven, and whenever you need to talk to him? He will always listen, and will always be watching over you, even though you can't see him." This sounds like the right thing to say. You might also want to share some memories with her when the time is right. Like if you're having fun? You could say "Hey, I know your father would have loved doing this with us...he really enjoyed ________" or tell her "It's okay to miss Daddy, I miss him too"
blind_otter Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 There are a lot of resources out there that clearly explain how developmental levels of children can affect their understanding of death and its permanence. I encourage you to look to hospice for a deeper understanding. My Dad is dying and my sisters are exploring how to explain this to the grandkids. There are lots of children's books out there that do a pretty good job.
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