Binky2 Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Guys, First of all, do commitment phobes come back? I have read a whole book on this but wondered if this was the case. I met my ex at my job. He came on real strong on Valentine's Day with chocolates, roses, a necklace and an invite to an Italian restaurant. Things moved very quickly, by that I mean not only physically but that he had me meet his parents various times and vice versa. He would always hint at the fact he wanted his familiy's approval. He is 30 and I am 34. He lived the typical Italian bachelor stereotype with his parents. Throughout the relationship he kept referring to marriage, asking if I wanted kids and looking for perfection in everything. He was a neat freak and I was a slob but was trying to change my ways for the sake of myself and the relationship. Everything seemed to be going great except he would seek fault in everything after a while. Then the day we broke up he said why did it take me for you to start cleaning? I started crying which set off a whole turn of events where he was breaking up with me...I think in the end he was afraid I would break up with him like his last girlfriend and that he wasn't making me happy....this was over 5 weeks ago but I'm still suffering. I have been visiting all these breakup sites for hope of a reconciliation....I mean he was talking marriage and kids and then one day he says it's not going to work out in the long haul....Also, he had plans of us marrying and me living in his parents basement. He has yet to find a full time teaching job for the fall. He just got his teaching license in May. Is there any hope that we will ever reconcile??? I know it's weird but I love him with all my heart and soul...
rugbyrob1990 Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Sorry to hear about your pain:( Did you guys fight alot? It seems that this guy bailed pretty fast, even if he didn't want to be "let go" by you. It seems there is somthing missing with all this, maybe you can enlighten us..
scrybe74 Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 I would strongly suggest that you try and forget him. I'm ashamed to say that I was once a commitment phobe...for 2 years I did what this guy did. I had a job and was doing okay. I think the main reason was that I didn't want anyone to find out my problems. I didn't want anyone close. So ....in my twisted mind at the time I somehow made it her fault. It was total BS and for months girls would sit and wonder about what happenend and try and figure out how to get back together for me....man...I was an *******....even though I actually like a 1 or 2 of them...and could see myself with them....I was just too screwed up, ashamed and cowardly to face them.
Binky Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 we didn't fight a lot because both of us are really afraid of conflict... he just blew up that one night... he asked me if i had loved anyone as much as him before and i told him the truth... i think that set him off that day he is a neat freak and i am disorganized slob but i was changing myself he inspired me to do so... so that day he said "why did you start cleaning just for me your car is clean now?" i started crying because i always have had problems with this... then it set off a whole series of events where he said he has never been good at relationships.. do you think you're suited to me etc...l many contradictions he was crying because he felt guilty for trying to make me change etc. i think mostly i think it was his parents decision he is the typical italian son still living at home at 30 and seemed to really want to get married. i am 35 so getting married was not out of the question for me.. just he was talking so fast about it... i cannot believe he faked the whole feeling and the relationship... i have read mars venus about the cave.. we talked a week ago.. he just said he was worried about my knee (i had injured it when were together) but said he was not looking to reconcile.. Since then i've been doing the "no contact" thing... i mean he was talking about rings, kids etc. but then he said oh you don't have money for a wedding when i said what do you have? (he has yet to have a place of his own and a full time teaching job) I can accept that, but he kept saying it wasn't going to work in the long haul and no other explanations were really warranted. He did say I was good to him... I read all these Mars Venus books that explain things well to me but now I feel it's too late... I know he was a pain in my a** sometimes but i love him dearly... then again i don't know if he could ever accept me for me and all my faults. i have debts from students loans but i do own my own co-op and car and have another year of a teaching contract coming up which in a sense is more than what he has... i am using this time to work on myself but it has been a very hard going on 6 weeks....l
daphne Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Sweetie, All of the things he did to woo you and court you and get you to believe he was in it for the long haul are standard operation procedure for a commitment phobe. I know you're still in the throes of addiction to this guy, but I promise you, he's not the one for you. He's not going to be good for anyone. What you are addicted to is who you think he is, not who he really is. He's got some heavy issues. Too heavy for you to carry. I once dated one and it took some therapy to break the addiction, but I knew I had to because he was completely toxic for me. You deserve better in your life andf you will have it. But you need to let this guy go.
Mollyanna Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Why do some of us have patterns like this - to flock to commitment phobes? The only guys I ever seem to have that attraction to - they are totally against commitment. More than anything in the world, I want to get married and have kids one day. But at 33, I cannot seem to figure out why I do not want the guys who want me and I am CRAZY NUTS over the guys that I have to work so hard for.
daphne Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Why do some of us have patterns like this - to flock to commitment phobes? The only guys I ever seem to have that attraction to - they are totally against commitment. ...I cannot seem to figure out why I do not want the guys who want me and I am CRAZY NUTS over the guys that I have to work so hard for. I suspect it's because you too are a commitmentphobe. The reality is that long lasting relationships don't usually start in whirlwind fashion. 2 people are attracted to each other, get to know each other and figure out if their compatible. They don't rush into anything because that pretty much spoils it every time. You should spend some time looking at your relationship patterns. If you want to be married and have kids, you're going to have to stop dating commitmentphobes. I'm sure you know what a guy looks like that doesn't have these issues. You just aren't ready to give up the attraction to challenging guys. Make up your mind that you want something real and you'll be surprised at what happens.
Mollyanna Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 probably doesn't help much that I meet the guys in bars too.... so why I am thinking of going out again tonight to see who is out there? Damn, how do I break this pattern? And aren't there any good guys at the bars or do I just have loser-magnet written all over me?
daphne Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Bars aren't the place to spend your life looking for a great guy. You need to figure out what you like and start doing things that you enjoy and men are involved. I play tennis, play poker (lots of men there too but honestly, it's still in a bar so be leery), and have a large network of friends. I meet a lot of people on a regular basis but I try to pick the forums. Community service is also a great place to meet good guys. Who doesn't love someone who's trying to make the world a better place? Just figure out what you like doing and see if it's a coed activity and start doing it. Not drinking at bars. That's a dead end activity. Get to work and start figuring out what makes you tick and how to meet people. That'll give you a motivation to do something other than think about dingbat. If you do it right and move away from him, you'll be over him a lot quicker. Just recognize that your feelings are chemical (oxytocin) and this is NOT love. It's addiction. That's what commitmentphobes create in the other person.
dancehead Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 All my problems stem from a commitment phobe woman. My feelings are chemical (oxytocin) and NOT love?? I hope so, Is this a proven fact because it sure feels like love to me.
vampress1 Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 I don't have any thoughts regarding the liklihood of a reconciliation... I do, however have some thoughts about your generalizations regarding Italian men. I am Greek and Italian and am married to an Italian man... neither my Italian husband, my brothers, cousins, uncles, family friends etc., live with their parents into their 30's. This guy screams problems!! He is clearly afraid of growing up. He lives at home and he's what? 30?, hasn't held a full time job, can't seem to commit to a relationship, finds fault in everything you do and is a neat freak? I would think that some red flags would be going off here... Oh wait! I think I read that he wanted you to get married and move into his parents basement? Awesome!! I'd be less concerned about him coming back and more concerned about his big mama coming down the street donning an apron and waving a rolling pin!! Perhaps you can persuade him to come back by waving a gold pinkie ring in front of him. It's really too bad you can't learn about the Italian food pyramid... pasta, sauce, meatballs, parmasean cheese and canolli. I could go on, but I won't... insert "typical italian man" stereoptype here.
Love_the_Loni Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 What!?!? Typical Italian Man??? What is that??? I agree with the Vampress--I too have an Italian-American background and only one uncle still lives at home--BECAUSE HE HAS ISSUES. He was babied and coddled and never lasted more than an few years at any job. Got married, but was divorced and moved back home. Catch my point? Anyhow...Quit making excuses for this guy--he sounds like one hell of a Romeo (sarcasm)--but come on now. For real? You really want this? Ew. Good luck--especially getting YOUR kids out of the house before you retire.
Binky Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 well we are back together... don't think i'm not looking out for myself though now... we talked about things and he more or less admitted he was listening to his parents too much...anyway...let's see... i still have my profile up on a dating website...
Diver012 Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 well we are back together... don't think i'm not looking out for myself though now... we talked about things and he more or less admitted he was listening to his parents too much...anyway...let's see... i still have my profile up on a dating website... Good Luck! I hope it works out for both of you!!
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