saiga Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Hello I want to know if anyone else has experienced a relationship similar to mine. Have you ever been with a person who clearly loves you (to some degree), but chooses to walk away rather than change to improve the relationship? I am not referring to the "I just can’t do this anymore instance". Instead it’s a cyclical pattern. When the person gets what they want they are willing to be with you. When you ask for a change or consideration, they walk away, and take part in the experience they wanted; but then come back raving about how much they want to be with you? Ironically, the person can have many good features about them, but you doing just one thing (like not calling) , or not liking one of their deepest friends is enough for them to walk away. In effect they are getting what they want and forcing you to accept whatever they do. The reason I ask this question is that I have been with a girl I met in college for two years now. We have broken up (not exactly the first time), and we are now both out of college. We have had issues along the way, but good times as well. Because of these issues I flat out don’t trust her. I am an introvert and she is an extrovert. We have a point of contention which is her male friend (whom she states she is very close with). It basically got to the point where she was spending most of her time with him (yet the relationship does not appear to be sexual). She even works and lives at the same location as he. In effect she seems to have dropped her relationship with me (including the friendship which I thought was the basis for our relationship). She holds this person very high in regard, and will choose him over me if pushed. Naturally I take issue with this person. When I ask her to restore the balance and possibly not take part in certain activities; she chooses the activity. It’s the experience she craves. Even when I made it very clear with a letter, which connected the dots about how her actions without consideration have a lasting impact; she still refused to make the change. She walked away. What I know from our history is that once she does this activity (going to the beach with him and his buddies for the last week I will be in town), she will try and come back. I am not as controlling as it appears, instead the scales are imbalanced in many ways. I can’t possibly relate everything about the relationship in this post (there is far more too it on both sides). What I do know is this is a reoccurring pattern of hers and it’s not limited to her friends. It’s a “I want my cake and eat it too” situation. I know that I am a sense of security to her. I tend to be very strong and I lead in my own direction. What strikes me as odd is that she appears to genuinely care, but will jump ship when things get rough and compromises have to be made. Unfortunately when it’s her turn to accommodate me (change to improve the relationship) she walks away. I know the relationship is over. After the eight-millionth time of being caught up in this cycle I know I have to let her go. I tend to be very committed to a person (which I expect in return) and it takes an awful lot to make me walk away. Long fuse, and I don’t expect a relationship to be a romance novel. I find her behavior very different from mine, and extremely perplexing. Unfortunately at least with her, this behavior wasn’t evident in the beginning. Instead she appeared very forward (still is), and genuine. So does e-harmony really work? Thanks for reading the post, your comments are encouraged.
junkboy Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I had a relationship sort of like this, but without the other friend. You need to learn that if someone doesnt want to change and compromise and keeps walking away that you are better off without them. I have to learn this too. I happen to like e-harmony. but if this is a pattern in the type of people you date, you will still end up in the same situation. Maybe its time to look at what it is about you that stays in these relationships. I am currently doing therapy and reading self-help books on self-esteem. it seems to be helping.
BrokenSpirit Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Any self help books you find are helping that you would reccomend?
mika Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 i am in a relationship just like this right now. except my boyfriend doesn't chose any girlfriends over me. a lot of it is the same, though. and he actually breaks up with me when times are tough and then comes back because it was a mistake and he loves me so much and all that. the cake and eat it too part? HELL YEAH. and i let him. he gets his cake and he gets to eat it too. i'm working on changing that, though. it's tough and i gotta be strong but god it's tough.
scrybe74 Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Putting it simply...I think that you are behaving in a controlling manner...more so than you care to admit or realize. She obviously likes/loves you but doesn't want to change who she is or what her life is about for you. By taking her back after every episode you're not putting her in a position to really decide what's important to her. For all you know these activities may not be that important to her. But there is a good chance that they are and you may have to decide to accept her and her lifestyle to be with her. You can try not taking her back and see what happens but then you risk not getting her back. I'd say risk it. You'll be much happier in the long run if you know up front that this is how she is and that you can't accept it.
jimmy20013 Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 I was in a similar situation but sans the friend. When she was going through stuff she would expect me to stand by her but when I was going through some emotional ups and downs(only once in 18 months of our relationship), she dumped me.
Guest Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 i just went through a similar situation. I was dating a girl that hung out with an ex boyfriend and she didnt care how if felt about it one bit. She told me to just deal with it. She left me for a guy two years earlier and then we got back together again so it was that much harder to deal with it. I couldnt deal with the stuff you are and there is no reason why you should. If you are in a relationship with someone then that should be it. No exs of any kind. It is not fair to the other person. It is also very disrespectful. I treated her like crap because I did not respect her and there should be no respect for someone who does stuff like that. Get rid of her like I did and find someone who will do the right thing for you and not just themselves.
Recommended Posts