Being friends with Women

[burning 4 revenge]

So, so, sadly true.

 

I've given up on having male friends as well, because of this. Sad as it may seem, I tried for years but it complicated my personal life to such a high degree that I just gave up.

 

I'm subscribing to see if anyone has any advice that i can use, too, because I used to have SCADS of male friends and now, not a one.

And I relate better to men.

i thought we were friends

[Yamaha]

but I want a valuable friendship with a woman that looks great,

 

 

Sorry??????? You can't go around choosing friends based on their looks. You say you want a ""valuable friendship with a woman that looks great"" I'm sorry but thats not a friendship..... Honestly , do you choose your MALE friends based on their looks. i think you are not actually wanting female friends for the right reasons.

 

This was my thoughts as well. You don't base friends upon looks so why look for attractive girls for friends? I think your missing the point of friendship. Care to explain your position on this?

[Craig]

Thinking about the realities of these types of relationships in advance

 

But what 'types'? How did you know at the outset that they would not be good partners for you? Do you only befriend people who have obvious flaws from the outset? Because that's the only way I think you can avoid these problems and I said that at the beginning of this discussion.

'types' = opposite sex friendships

 

It isn't like I just look at a woman and decide that she is either a friend or relationship (for me) material. I do want to get to know them a little before deciding whether I want to stay in contact and then the beginning of either a friendship or relationship is very similar (for me at least). Typically either a friendship or relationship starts very casually and light as I'm not one to jump into a romantic relationship quickly at all. It takes time to get to know anyone and I'm not going to be putting out romantic relationship vibes early on at all. Rather I'm going to really look at the person, their character, etc. and decide whether I even want to know them let alone have them in my life as anything at all. Character is very important to me and I will not be friends with someone that has character traits that I don't care for such as cheating, criminal behavior, substance abuse, closed minded, racism, etc.

 

The decision to proceed on a friendship path doesn't mean that the person has 'flaws' but only that they don't suit me and my quirks for a romantic relationship. It could be as simple as their dominant recreational interests being substantially different than mine. We may have overlapping compatibilities but not enough of an overlap for me to consider them as relationship material. Or I might be in a romantic relationship and quite simply would not think of them in a romantic manner and would plan in advance to quash any tiny feelings I might develop if and as they come up. I have been in relationships and had friendships with wonderful women that I probably would have dated if I had been single at the time but I was already in a relationship and so remained friends with these women. I don't believe a relationship that starts while any of the two people involved are still in another relationship has good chances for long term success, so doing that would be like shooting myself in the foot--twice.

 

I take them into consideration too, I don't want to impose myself on someone that would not be happy with the kind of life interests I have--regardless of what romantic interest they think they have in me. After the honeymoon phase of the relationship subsides somewhat there has to be something greater than an undefined attraction to sustain a mutually rewarding relationship.

 

As far as avoiding undesired romantic interest from people you want to be friends with I don't know if you can. There will always be people that don't behave in the way you would like and when they do, you deal with it. Sometimes you have to say goodbye to them and it does hurt a little but I think being ready to say goodbye lessens the pain.

 

IMO only befriending people who have obvious flaws will not stop unwanted advances.

[Max Overclock]

I think johan has it nailed.

 

No truer words have been said on this thread.

[Outcast]

As far as avoiding undesired romantic interest from people you want to be friends with I don't know if you can.

 

Yup. Just don't go there. There's enough sadness in the world without causing more, IMHO.

[crazy_grl]

Everything the above-quoted posters advised you to do will actually result in attraction.

 

By insecure, insane women who might not even be good friends either. If a girl chases you when you're not giving her any signs to attraction, she's got problems.

 

Be a little clingy.

Tell them you don't have a girlfriend.

Talk about your ex a little sadly.

Compliment them a lot.

Act a little bit shy.

Make a lot of eye contact.

Nervously ask for their numbers.

Act like you actually do want to date them.

 

Some girls are really turned on by a hot, shy guy who's been hurt by an ex. Better to have girls attracted to who he really is than some phony guy he's pretending to be.

 

I was trying to give tips on how to just tone things down, not put on a total facade.

[Outcast]

Oh it was yet another tired, old post about the tired, old concept that women flee from men who aren't macho morons.

 

That's all LS ever is anymore - posts about how awful women are and how to be a moron to them or to win them.

[Craig]

Yup. Just don't go there. There's enough sadness in the world without causing more, IMHO.

 

There is a price to pay for anything worthwhile.

[j.carsey]

You people who are saying, can't be friends with guys/girls because they tend to get feelings and you're afraid of disappointing them... oh geez.

 

I think you should try to be more secure with yourself and take control. If someone makes a move on you, just what is the harm? Politely reject them. That's not hard to do. If after that they want to stick around, fine. If not then what have you lost out on, you didn't want them any way right?

 

I know many girls (and some guys) who avoid making friends of the opposite gender because of this phobia of being hit on, or being rejected, or sexual tension. They end up having a harder time finding that wholesome partner because they are distancing themselves from everyone, so early on. They miss out on friends of the person, and who knows maybe one of those friends could have been the partner of their dreams.

 

Some of the coolest girls I've known in my life were awesome especially because they were good at making casual friendships with guys. Sometimes it blossomed into more (when they felt like it), often it didn't, BUT they knew way more guys, better guys, and had more possibilities than those girls who ran away from all men

 

In my experience, many of the girls I strike up friendships with tend to shy away from me because of a fear I'm going to hit on them. Which is quite conceited, it's an assumption they are attractive enough to get hit on. So yes I wish girls wouldn't do that, it bugs me, and I think it bugs them too when there aren't any men in their lives

[Max Overclock]

Oh it was yet another tired, old post about the tired, old concept that women flee from men who aren't macho morons.

 

The problem is that the concepts of which you are critical are actually good, proven ones. They don't involve being a macho moron, but a secure, self-aware, strong male presence in a woman's life.

 

These types of things work, not only on the insecure, needy women who all men can do without, but also on the strong, independent, worthwhile ladies of great character that most definitely are worthwhile.

 

Few women stay around for the shy-ish, always thoughtful, loving, warm guy who listens to all their problems, treats them as caringly as they would their sisters .... yadda yadda. I'm sorry to seem glib, but it just doesn't happen in the lionshare of relationships in this world.

 

Women get quickly bored with the "nice guy" types like this and they then quickly move on to the self assured, dominant males that capture their hearts and give them a never-ending supply of emotions. Das it. The end.

 

Peace folks.

 

Max

[nicki]

There is some truth in what what is being said here. Some girls will want to chase you if you seem unattainable and confident, funny, etc. The whole "i just want to be friends" can be a challenge...from both sides, too...

 

Really, though, if you want to be friends with a woman, then treat them like your GUY friends. Don't flirt with them or make ANY suggestive comment. We women know men who say that kind of stuff will jump all over us if we give them the chance.

 

If a girl does come on to you, politely and gently tell them that you love them as a friend and don't want to do anything to ruin it. Tell them that you are not attracted to them in that way. They are like a sister to you....we women tell you guys that you are "like brothers to us" all the time....

 

I think it's great that you are wanting to relate to women on a friendly basis. It's a wonderful way to get to know someone as a real person. Just be upfront that you don't want a relationship. Make sure your behavior backs that up.

 

I like the idea that you make sure their boyfriends know about you. And no paying for anything for her (unless you trade off, etc.)

 

Treat her like a guy friend. Don't do or say anthing to her that you wouldn't say to one of your other buddies....You guys that say you want to be friends but flirt with us don't fool us one bit.

[Craig]

Don't flirt with them or make ANY suggestive comment.

Abolutely, 100% right on the money!

 

If a girl does come on to you, politely and gently tell them that you love them as a friend and don't want to do anything to ruin it. Tell them that you are not attracted to them in that way. They are like a sister to you....we women tell you guys that you are "like brothers to us" all the time....

Good advice.

 

Just be upfront that you don't want a relationship. Make sure your behavior backs that up.

Open, honest, direct and congruent behavior.

 

And no paying for anything for her (unless you trade off, etc.)

This goes without saying, doesn't it?

 

Nicki, you're a genius!

[hyakku]

Well first, to those who asked why I would want an attractive female friends. The reasons are endless:

 

First, someone who isn't attractive, usually doesn't take care of themselves. My personal belief is that very few people are ugly, they just don't take the time of day to take care of themselves.

 

Two, attractive females are alot more confident and outgoing in my personal experience. Alot of my less attractive friends are great people, but they shy from doing more social things for fear of what otehrs thing.

 

Three, when you go to a friend for advice on any type of relationship, fashion, etc. thing, I'm going to want someone who has experience in that field for their viewpoint, not someone who has no idea what they are talking about.

 

Four, alot of people that are unattractive (and again this is just my personal experience), are alot more pessimistic then attractive women who can enjoy life.

 

And there are many more reasons, i don't have a hidden agenda, otherwise I would just be out there to date them, not to make friends. I just find that attractive women tend to have their act together more and like to have more fun (this is just in my personal experience, not a generalization outcast ).

 

To Johan, sorry man not to be a dick, but that is one thing that isn't going to happen. I'd rather just let them down lightly then being someone who I USED to be that I DIDN'T like to be.

 

So far, the general consensus is to just tone down my actions as if I was with guy friends. I mean when I'm with guys we joke around sometimes say crazy things that some people might thing we aren't the straightest of straight, but its all taken in stride and fun. So I think I'm just going to have to learn not to flirt, which seems kind of boring, but until I can establish some really strong connections and friendships with great women, that's goingt o have to happen, I'll let you guys know my results.

 

If anyone has any other suggestiosn I'm still open to em

[alphamale]

I just find that attractive women tend to have their act together more and like to have more fun (this is just in my personal experience, not a generalization outcast ).

What planet do you live on HYAKKU? Cause its not earth. Attractive people probalby do have more fun but the don't have their act together any more or less than avg looking people or ugly people. My experience is that many (not all) attractive females are vacuous and less intelligent and less motivated to succeed and learn....and their personalities are less developed.

 

Sure they have guys buying them free drinks at the bar and they can wear a size 2 dress but does that define success and happiness? I think not.

[hyakku]

What planet do you live on HYAKKU? Cause its not earth. Attractive people probalby do have more fun but the don't have their act together any more or less than avg looking people or ugly people. My experience is that many (not all) attractive females are vacuous and less intelligent and less motivated to succeed and learn....and their personalities are less developed.

 

Sure they have guys buying them free drinks at the bar and they can wear a size 2 dress but does that define success and happiness? I think not.

 

Well, maybe I'm lucky then, but many attractive girls at my HS and that I meet are very intelligent (I'm talking high 3.8-4.0+ GPAs), are really cool (like to party have fun, but know when to get serious), and aren't too stuck up or bitchy all the time.

 

Alot of insecure people just kinda bug me at times because life's too short to worry about what other's think, but like I said, this is just my experience.

[alphamale]

Well, maybe I'm lucky then, but many attractive girls at my HS

wow! you're in high school. you must know everything about everything then.

 

dude...you don't know ****!

[hyakku]

wow! you're in high school. you must know everything about everything then.

 

dude...you don't know ****!

 

Yes...which is why I was wondering why you were talking about the bars and whatnot, I thought you knew that.

 

That was the reason for the "in my experience" post, of course I don't know everything yet, I thought that was a given lol.

 

You're disappointing me today alpha, you're slipping up

[alphamale]

You're disappointing me today alpha, you're slipping up

sorry i've been busy at work...i'm trying to get a few posts in here and there

[Moai]

Quote-Craig

"The only way an actual friendship can work is if you two are so incompatible as life mates that you could never actually live together. And if you see a lot of flaws in each other to the point that they're bearable in a friend but would be unbearable in a relationship. You see, a lot of friends' affection for each other can grow into love that lasts a lifetime. So any friend that you think highly of and whose qualities you admire can fall for you or you her."

 

 

Do you think it's possible to have a friend not have feelings for you and then change later on? I have fallen for a "friend" and he said he doesn't have feeling for me like that. We have a lot in common and knew each other when we were younger too. Is is possible that if we stay friends that maybe one day he will feel something for me? I'm not planning on waiting around for that. But, I'm curious if anyone has had this happen before. Thanks!

 

Yes, it is possible. It has happened to me several times in the past, and again just recently.

 

WIth the other ones, I was only friends with the women to ge tni their pants--and it worked--but the one I am in now it just started going that way. I didn't have anything to do with it. She was a good friend's girlfriend when we met, and they broke up and we stayed close, and then got closer and closer, and then I feel for her and that's all she wrote. Best relationship I have ever had.

[Craig]

Moai, I didn't write the quote that may look like I did. It was a typo by Maria.

[lindya]

Women get quickly bored with the "nice guy" types like this and they then quickly move on to the self assured, dominant males that capture their hearts and give them a never-ending supply of emotions.

 

I've been out self-assured, dominant males who were pretty tedious company - and I can't imagine them doing anything that would inspire any particular emotion in me. The strongest feelings I've had have been with guys who were good at fun. Fun isn't about sitting down and reading a strategy book to become more successful with women. It's about having a happy, open-hearted and open-minded approach to life. The "dominant, self assured males" I've gone on dates with don't seem as good at doing all that. I've felt, with those guys, that they just sat there being dull and all the pressure was on me entertain them like some kind of geisha.

 

In comparison your funny, friendly, happy guy who likes women and knows how to bring out the best in them is a blast of fresh air. Someone who can talk about anything under the sun, and flirts with wit, imagination and style....rather than relying on the usual "bait" to start a tedious "All women want..." "Oh no they don't" "Oh yes they do" banter. That's a deadwood in suit's idea of witty banter, and it just sucks.

 

T Das it. The end.

 

Oh no. This one will run and run and run. Do a Loveshack search on the words "men" "women" and "friends" if you don't believe me.

[Maria33]

Moai, I didn't write the quote that may look like I did. It was a typo by Maria.

Sorry craig. That quote came from Outcast, I looked at it wrong when I was trying to post part of the quote.

[sairasworld2000]

I tried to think about ways that I tell a guy is interested in me so that you can avoid putting out those signals. I also drew on some friends' experiences. Some things you might consider:

 

- Try to smile at them less.

- Don't make sexual comments/jokes or tell them how hot they are.

- Try not to touch as much.

- Avoid giving too much attention to one specific girl.

- If describing your perfect girl, avoid naming qualities that exactly match the girl you're talking to unless you're interested in her. (That one seems pretty obvious, but a guy did this to a friend of mine... He would also ask her to the movies and lunch, just the 2 of them, and it turned out he only wanted to be friends.)

Which brings me to the next one...

- Avoid asking them out without other friends along unless you've established the "just friends" status.

 

What kind of a man would put up with behaviour like that? If he had any confidence/dignity, why would he put up with such behaviour from anyone. I, and I suspect you, would certainly not want to associate with such a doormat!

[crazy_grl]

What kind of a man would put up with behaviour like that? If he had any confidence/dignity, why would he put up with such behaviour from anyone. I, and I suspect you, would certainly not want to associate with such a doormat!

 

Ummm.... WHAT are you talking about?? Did you read the topic of this thread? You certainly didn't read my post very carefully, because your comment has no relevance at all.