somatic Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Assume you've been with someone a few years. Live with them. That there are a lot of positives to the relationship. And that there's a lot of stress right now. How would you react or feel, if during a heated argument your bf or gf called you a "****ing head case" and a "control freak"? What if after talking to them later, they insisted you had serious mental problems and that you were a control freak? What if after arguing for quite a while to get the other person to understand why it bothered you, they finally say "I apologize for saying those things"? How do you know you aren't a "head case" and a control freak? If you were the one who called your SO that, why wouldn't you just leave them?
blind_otter Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 If you were the one who called your SO that, why wouldn't you just leave them? I would hope that the person would examine their own behavior objective as possible to see if they really do have control issues; I would just leave them if I didn't love them and didn't want to be with them. If I did want to be with them still, I would want them to get help or figure out how to be less controlling so I could still be with them.
Author somatic Posted July 17, 2006 Author Posted July 17, 2006 If your the one called a head case, how do you objectively examine your behavior to know? If your crazy, then wouldn't your actions seem normal to you?
blind_otter Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Not necessarily. Everyone should be should be in a perpetual state of growth. I've come a long way taking in how others perceive me and reflecting on the persona that I project. People with severe persistent mental illness, say, schizophrenia or a personality disorder, tend to perceive how they behave as "normal" but with therapeutic intervention they can begin to realize how to behave in a manner that makes interaction with others a possibility.
Guest Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 If you can't resolve problems as a couple without spinning out of control, you're never going to make it. Yes, couples argue; but in large doses it's unhealthy and destructive. If you're arguing and not getting anywhere or if you're going to spew distructrive things that you later regret- stop and walk away. Times of high anxiety and emotions are not a good time to resolve problems. Take some time for yourself to figure out if you are the person as described in a relationship or if the criticism is misguided. If you're a control freak, get some help. Control is not love, and you'll never have a normal relationship until you figure this out. Boandaries are one thing, control is another. Control is generally fueled by fear. There are lots of reasons why people don't leave. You guys have some time invested. Maybe you should ask this person why they are staying with you and agree on how to resolve the relationship issues. Maybe you need to take the initiative to stop the cycle of behavior. If you are unable to manage this on your own, go to counseling. Good Luck
LikkleMissConfused Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Back off give yoursefl time and think about it! If you think you have acted in a crazy way then you will need to adjust that. Otherwise this is a line I have heard many guys use. Just some time and distant I think you need from this situation.
Author somatic Posted July 17, 2006 Author Posted July 17, 2006 I took the online tests for bipolar, schizophrenia, etc. I don't sound like those things to me. What else can I look up? what else makes you a mental case?
blind_otter Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Just having personal issues. I doubt you are schizophrenic. But not having a diagnoseable mental issue doesn't mean there isn't always room for behavioral improvement or conflict management skills.
Author somatic Posted July 17, 2006 Author Posted July 17, 2006 I found a place I might be able to get some free counseling from. Not entirely sure though... I don't know what to say if I call them. Hi, I'm a ****ing head case and a control freak, help me? will they ask why? i don't know what to say. what if they can't see me for weeks? I feel like a failure, pos loser. What do I say to them?
blind_otter Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 That's what self examination is about. You never want to seek therapy if you don't know what it is you want help with. You take time and reflect on yourself and see where you have difficulties or whatever, and see where you are right now, and where you want to be. But don't just assume you have a problem because your partner said you do. That's why you need to reflect and see whether his/her accusation has any merit, or whether it's baseless. You said in the first post that you are going through stressful times, which can bring out the control freak in anyone. When external components of your life are in flux you very often seek to control what you believe is controllable, to cope with the out of control feelings from the situation that you can't control. This could just be a temporary thing, but you need to calm down and look at how you have been behaving with your partner to see if there really is an issue or whether it's just arguing for arguing's sake.
Author somatic Posted July 17, 2006 Author Posted July 17, 2006 blind otter.. you sound like you talk from experience. if i go to counseling without knowing the problem, then it won't help? or couldn't hurt? and how do you know they won't screw your head up more?
blind_otter Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 It could help, it could hurt, it could make you worse. You have to know what you want from the therapeutic experience beforehand. I've had lots of therapy. I've also been a very poor partner in the past, with a lot of personal issues that I refused to look at. I spent many years blaming other people. In reality, those other people had their own issues and weren't good romantic partners for me, but that doesn't negate the things they told me completely and I've spent a lot of time trying to be a better person, but for me. Not for anyone else. But honestly, don't just go because someone else has a problem with you. I was just saying that you need to reflect as to whether this is a real issue, or whether it's just an argument due to the situation you're in.
Outcast Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 do a search on controlling behaviours check list and controlling behaviours warning signs . Read the lists that come up and ask youself if you behave like that. And be truthful. If you must, ask friends and family. I know one extremely controlling woman who is utterly unable to see it in herself even though when I suggested that she was, she said her whole family has told her she is. Trust that your family and friends will help you see yourself as you are if you ask and don't punish them for answering truthfully.
Author somatic Posted July 17, 2006 Author Posted July 17, 2006 I'm not seeing me in the definitions of controlling behaviors. No one else calls me controlling. usually too submissive. Except, I'm really angry at him still. He apologized, but insists I'm screwed up in the head, adn a control freak. I tell him I don't like it when he talks about other women, hurts my feelings. he says I'm censoring him. That he can list several ways I'm controlling. That i get upset with him if he doesn't want to talk to me for the evening. That I try to control him by making him talk, I guess. But he its not that he's quiet, its so uncomfortable being in the same room with him when he gets that way. Not like leaving him alone works. He just continues being quiet for as long as I don't ask what's wrong. days. So I ask. I'm angry he would say those things. Don't think he's right, but what if I'm wrong? what if i'm like the lady who doesn't think she is?
The slayer Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Had it occured to you that maybe your boyfriend is a "Head case" and a "control freak"?
Outcast Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 No one else calls me controlling. usually too submissive. In that case, it's your bf who is controlling. He wants to be free to do what he wishes unquestioned. He wants to rule the roost and have you obey and shut up. He probably chose you because you are submissive. It's classic that a controller resists all of what normally would be considered common courtesies (telling someone where you're going and how long you'll be, etc) because he feels that he's the King and has to account to nobody. Drop him. People go from control to abuse and he's already doing that to you by accusing you of controlling, etc. Really, this twit will be nothing but grief to you if you try to stick it out and bend to his will. You will NEVER be submissive enough for him and he will continue to try to prevent you from thinking for yourself or expressing your own wishes by this kind of name-calling and accusation. You see how you're starting to think he's right? GET OUT NOW!!!!!
Recommended Posts