Visitation dilemna

[wizedup]

Two months ago, my husband and I separated. We have 2 children...9 and 13. Right now he has the kids Thurs pm - Sun pm. I have them Mon - Th. When school starts, we agreed to him having them every other weekend and one night during the week. (They are heavily involved with clubs, sports, homework, etc. and I work at home and am more flexible in my work schedule.)

The problem is that he has now changed his mind (he changes his mind constantly...he's a recovering pot head but the chaos of his addiction still follows him) and wants them at his place for a week and at my place for a week when school starts.

Anyone doing this? And if so, how do the kids handle being shuffled around so much during the school year?

Should I see a lawyer?

[Trimmer]

Actually, we have handled our kids 50/50, even during the school year, and we do it with a very similar schedule to the one you currently have - I get them starting Wednesday afternoon, and then they go back to their mom either Saturday or Sunday afternoon, on alternate weeks. (So we each get 7 days out of every 2 weeks.) On Wednesday, she takes them to school and I pick them up.

 

This might not work well for everyone, but in my mind, the advantage is that each school week for them is the same - Sun, Mon, and Tue evenings at mom's, Wed, Thu and Fri evenings at dad's, and Saturday evenings alternate. This way, every week has a consistent rhythm both for the kids and the parents. And it's actually less "switching" back and forth between houses than the "every Wednesday night and every other weekend" schedule. (Take any 2 weeks, and count up all the "backs" and "forths".)

 

As far as the kids being shuffled around, I don't think my kids feel that way. I think it might be more that way if they felt like they were being "gotten rid of", or if they were uncertain of the schedule or something like that. In our case, we try to make it so they have two "homes", not just "home" and "dad's" or something like that... They are wanted and loved in both places, and as parents we continue to support each other. We have established a good rhythm, and they always seem to be eager and ready to see the other parent at the switchover - in both directions. So I think if you can work well as parents to make them feel like each place is a home, and support their emotional and logistical needs in both places, it can work fine.

 

Personally, as a father, I don't think I would like the "every wednesday night and every other weekend" schedule, but I am also lucky that, like you, I have a work schedule that is flexible enough to handle the 50/50 split that we do...

[wizedup]

I think you're right that it could work if Dad had a place for the kids to call home. Right now he's in a 1 bedroom apartment. The kids don't have a dresser or a bed to call their own. The sleep on air mattresses and live out of a suitcase. I don't believe this is conducive to 'feeling at home.'

He wants me to pick them up from school on his weeks...take them to their after school activities...work at home...then leave at 7 when he gets there and go to his apartment. Then come back the next morning and do it again. Meanwhile, he'll use the electricity, water, food during that time and not have to pay child support because we're sharing custody.

I don't think so.

If he wants them for half the week....he must have them half the week and all that comes along with it.

I think it's a form of control for him. He still can't get it through his head the marriage is over and he wants to reconcile. Having to see him everyday would be a nightmare for me.

Nevertheless, I told him to go to a lawyer, draft up his idea and I'll take it to mine and review it. I want it all in writing because he constantly changes his mind about things and it gets so confusing and tiring.

But he refuses to take it to a lawyer for some reason...

[Lor]

We are doing 50/50 also, Monday to Monday after school (or after work). During the school year we have the bus driver drop them off at which ever house they are supposed to be that week. It works well, gives us each a free weekend every other week. We don't live very far apart so we do see the kids more often during the weeks we don't have them due to sports and such. And the kids can call when they want.

 

Just like Trimmer, when I moved out, I made sure that my new home would feel like home. Instead of only taking a few of their clothes I went thru all of them and did a 2 for me, 2 for him, not trying to pick the best ones just making sure we each had an equal number of jeans, shirts, play clothes, etc. That way, we don't have to send clothes back and forth either. and I had the kids go thru and pick some of the toys they wanted to bring.

 

It seems to work better, I think. When we first separated he moved out and my H didn't contact the kids or do "visitation" with them and it was VERY hard on them. This way it feels more intact to them. and he found out that kids are hard work and take a lot of effort. In our case, my H has actually become a better father for it.

[Mz. Pixie]

I do this also. I echo what the others have said here. As long as you make it consistent there shouldn't be a problem- unless one of the kids is highly emotionally sensitive.

 

My daughter was 3 1/2 when I separated. She didn't have too much trouble adjusting. I prepared a home for them and had things for them at my house just like he does. Yeah, it can get expensive to do that, but I think it's good for them that way.

 

I pick up my kids from daycare on Fridays. I have them until Tuesday night then he takes them for one night. Then I have them Wed- Friday am and he picks them up Friday night at daycare. My only issue is that they are not in school in a middle area, which requires a long commute for us all- but my husband and his mom help out in this area and do so earlier in the afternoon when the traffic is not as bad. I do mornings. But, they didn't have to change schools either.

 

The next week is his week and I will get them on Monday nights. So, I have them every Monday night and he has them every Tuesday night. That's reliable for all of us because then I can run errands on the one night on my week when I don't have them.

 

When there are special things going on- such as an activity in his area or one in mine- we make adjustments. But we make sure they know about it ahead of time and try to keep them minimal.

 

I'm more concerned about his prior/current drug use and erratic behavior at this point as being the stopping point for the visitation. They do not need to be exposed to that kind of lifestyle.

[GuySimple]

We do the 50/50 thing with the kids and they are 9 and 12. The exchange happens at the sitters every Thursday and the kids seem to have adjusted well. At first they use to think it was a bit of a pain but once they got their rooms set up and realized that there are some benefits of having two bedrooms.

 

I know a lot of people who talk about ensuring kids have the exact routine at both places. But I notice that the kids are different here than with their mother. The basics are the same but I noticed that the way they decorated their rooms is different.

 

The benefits of doing 50/50 is that you get a break from parenting every second week so you can have some independence. You also don't get stuck with doing all the routine stuff while your ex gets the kids on the weekend for all the fun stuff. You both get to have the routine as well as the fun stuff.

[scrybe74]

Sigh....sometimes I wish I had the 50/50 deal. Not usually...just sometimes. When my wife and I separated (then divorced) she had NC for almost 3 months and then sporadic visits but never took my son with her...her visits happened at my place. It took almost 8 months to start a regular scheduled visit. She tried every weekend but soon tired of it so we then switched to every other weekend. That lasted for about a couple of years (with some breaks) but now she's down to one weekend a month. I decided on that because her new BF seems a bit controlling and she's not really focusing on my boy too much. He's been coming home kinda sad and depressed after her visits. When I scaled the visits back to once a month things got better between them. It's just kinda hard on me to have any time to myself without being complete responsible for someone else. Eventually I did meet someone nice and we moved in together and now he has a baby sister so things got better. Now I'm not so concerned with my own time (with a baby that's a non-issue) but I wish my boy could spend more time with his mother. He's already forgotten most of his second language. They are taking a trip to her home country for 3 weeks - hopefully they can bond a little more.

[Trimmer]

I know a lot of people who talk about ensuring kids have the exact routine at both places. But I notice that the kids are different here than with their mother. The basics are the same but I noticed that the way they decorated their rooms is different.

Yeah, while I think that it's greatly preferable that the fundamentals be basically compatible between the households (love, respect, manners, schoolwork, etc...) but I don't think things need to be exactly the same.

 

As a matter of fact, we've been very consistent with the attitude that things may not be the same between our houses: mom makes the rules at mom's house and I make the rules at my house, and we (parents) have both been supportive of each other in that philosophy, so in that sense, the kids know what to expect, and there is no confusion, no "well, mom lets us do...." when they are with me. I believe they can handle the differences in the two households just fine. (They are 7 and 9 now.)

 

I think the important thing is not striving to achieve perfect consistency between the two homes, but good consistency within each home. And maybe I'm just rationalizing here, but it may even be reasonable developmentally to expect children to adapt their behavior to the context of different environments, whether school, playground, mom's place, dad's place, grandma's house, the doctor's office.... Again, the important thing is that they know consistently what the expectations are.

[Mz. Pixie]

Trimmer,

 

I get what you're trying to say. For instance the core values are the same but some things are different.

 

My ex accused me of basically only wanting to be the "fun" parent. I wanted to say "Yeah, we let them smoke, drink and cuss when they are over here" because I let my son watch a movie he didn't think he should.

 

The basics of it is that my kids behave better when they are at my house. They have a new stepmom at their dad's- and there is alot of him trying to please the new wife going on. They also have a stepbrother- who is closer in age to my son- who is there almost all the time. Since I've been remarried longer it's not a new situation at my house. I keep telling him that he can't browbeat them and try to be too tough on them but he doesn't listen. It's not that I let them get away with things- I don't- it's just that all of a sudden he's trying to be a more strict parent to impress her and everyone else with his parenting.

 

It's like he doesn't think people remember that he used to leave them alone with me all the time for me to raise them and that for the first nine years of my sons life and 3 1/2 of my daughters I was the one who took care of them mostly all the time!

[scrybe74]

Good post Trimmer...

 

Same here....his mother and I have very different parenting styles but we don't step on each other's toes and we never talk bad about each other. He understands that each household is run differently and behaves accordingly.