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Is it true that it's the woman's fault when a guy won't commit?

waitingforlove

By waitingforlove
in Getting Married

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waitingforlove Established Member

waitingforlove

Posted
Posted

Hi everyone,

I have been reading some relationships books, many of which discuss how a woman could attract her guy to the point for him to "naturally" want to get married to her. It bothers me a little bit in fact. My ex-bf broke up with me after I repeatedly brought up the topic of marriage. And of course, I only ran into those relationship advice AFTER the breakup. It makes me feel like such a failure that perhaps I just wasn't good enough, or perhaps I just was a dumb woman who pressed the guy on this topic and ended up getting rejected ..... I don't know. In a way I think, if a guy REALLY loves a woman, will he back off just because she brings up the topic of marriage with him? Is it "true" that when a relationship doesn't work out or when a guy refuses to marry a woman, that it's HER fault, HER failure, and HER responsibilities? What do you guys think?

slinkysu Established Member

slinkysu

Posted
Posted
Hi everyone,

I have been reading some relationships books, many of which discuss how a woman could attract her guy to the point for him to "naturally" want to get married to her. It bothers me a little bit in fact. My ex-bf broke up with me after I repeatedly brought up the topic of marriage. And of course, I only ran into those relationship advice AFTER the breakup. It makes me feel like such a failure that perhaps I just wasn't good enough, or perhaps I just was a dumb woman who pressed the guy on this topic and ended up getting rejected ..... I don't know. In a way I think, if a guy REALLY loves a woman, will he back off just because she brings up the topic of marriage with him? Is it "true" that when a relationship doesn't work out or when a guy refuses to marry a woman, that it's HER fault, HER failure, and HER responsibilities? What do you guys think?

 

 

No - if a guy doesn't want to marry a woman then he doesn't want to marry her and never will. It isn't anyone's fault - it just is the way it is. You can't force someone to marry you and you may think he broke up with you because you brought up marriage too much, but it was most likely the fact that he didn't want to spend the rest of lhis life with you and decided that it was better to end a relationship he had no desire to commit to rather than continue it.

 

Even the most confirmed bachelor will marry when he finds the woman he wants to settle down with. Similarly for women.

 

It's not a woman's fault a guy doesn't want to marry - it's HIS choice and HIS decision and no one should place blame anywhere. Everyone has the right to make decisions that make them feel comfortable in their lives and that doesn't mean blame has to be apportioned anywhere as a result.

lil_angel Member

lil_angel

Posted
Posted

thats total BS that its the woman's fault. you also shouldnt have to do things to make yourself more attractive in order for him to fall for you. he should love you for who you are, whether you're dolled up or just rolled out of bed, whether you get sick, gain weight, or stay beautiful and healthy, whatever. sure, you can have fun wearing flattering outfits to turn him on or whatever along those lines, but if thats the kinds of things you have to do to "reel him in" and attract him to marrying you, you need to find a different guy. and i apologize for anything in my post that did not make sense, sounded offensive, massive typos, or anything else, its 6am and i still havent gotten to bed yet.....

littlekitty Established Member

littlekitty

Posted
Posted

What a complete load of bollocks. :rolleyes: Go and buy some better self help books!!

 

If a guy doesn't want to marry you it means... just that! That he doesn't want to marry you! There's no tricks or rules to getting someone to marry you. It's by no stretch of the imagination your fault. :mad:

 

If he isn't ready for marriage or doesn't believe you are 'the one' then he isn't going to marry you and nothing you could do would be about to change that. And good for him for being man enough to say no and not be pressured into it a marriage doomed for failure!

 

When it's right, it just happens, and you won't need to press him, or do specific things for him to marry you! It will just happen...

magichands Established Member

magichands

Posted
Posted
or when a guy refuses to marry a woman, that it's HER fault, HER failure, and HER responsibilities? What do you guys think?

 

All it means is that she wants to get married, and he doesn't.

 

That's all.

bab Established Member

bab

Posted
Posted

No, it's not the woman's fault. I can see the scenerio that a young guy who feels he is to young for marriage and is being pressured just gives up on the relationship because they want different things. But, all in all, if the guy doesn't want to marry you, then he just doesn't. These books sound like rubbish. Why would you want to use some technique to get someone to marry you??? Then wouldn't you feel like you've tricked them into marrying you??? Not good. Throw those books away. Be yourself in your relationships, and your match will come along.

superconductor Established Member

superconductor

Posted
Posted

Assigning fault or blame is a useless exercise.

 

Magichands and the rapturously beautiful littlekitty have it exactly right: If he doesn't want to get married, he doesn't want to get married. End of story. Nothing she does (or doesn't do) - and I do mean nothing - willl change his mind.

Mirage222 Established Member

Mirage222

Posted
Posted

Certainly not your fault ... nor his either. He feels what he feels at this time and you feel what you feel... BUT< let me ask you this.. Was/Is what you have within your relationship fulfilling without a ring on your finger? If your answer is yes, then why bother with that yes? Why mess up what you have because you have the need to be marry now?

 

By leaving you risk losing the greatness you had within the relationship for what? A relationship that cannot compare to your "old" relationship but at least this new guy married you?

 

Some times marriage cannot buy happiness ...

 

I am with someone who does not want to get married. He said he wants me as his life partner but without the piece of paper and ring. So,

 

SILKYSU, your quote of "Even the most confirmed bachelor will marry when he finds the woman he wants to settle down with"

 

Are you a man? I don't know if I believe this quote to be all that true.

 

I certainly believe my guy wants to spend his life with me without a marriage.. I was not ok with this too begin with but now I totally am ok with that. I don't think he just does not want to marry ME> If that was the case I believe he would tell me such up front ... because that is what our relationship is based on.. Honesty.

 

SO, to the O/P - your guy just does not want to get married. It is TONS to swallow but if he is worth it to you.. your views will change. Rationalize..

superconductor Established Member

superconductor

Posted
Posted
Some times marriage cannot buy happiness

Take it from one who's been there: marriage never, ever buys happiness. That's not cynicism, that's just reality. Happiness is what you bring to the relationship; it doesn't come about just because you happen to get married.

Even the most confirmed bachelor will marry when he finds the woman he wants to settle down with

Utter nonsense. Getting married goes against everything that a man is, biologically and evolutionally. Socially it's a different matter, but social constructs are exactly that; normalcy that's created by society. Men will marry, of course, but only to establish a socially-acceptable pair-bond relationship with a mate.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted

Men are afraid of divorce not marriage and when young men see so many older men going through bitter divorces after she up and left to go find herself they get scared. It is not the fault of a particular woman but the fault of many women who chew up and men and spit them out. That is why many men are afraid to commit.

Outcast Established Member

Outcast

Posted
Posted
Getting married goes against everything that a man is, biologically and evolutionally.

 

Not really. Men developed brains and consicences 'evolutionally'. And a man will weep as bitter tears as as any woman if he loses a mate he loves. IF this BS about 'biologically engineered to not have a partner' was true, losing a mate would be no more painful than losing an eyelash. Evolution has not selected for emotionless interactions with sex partner after sex partner in humans the way it has with some of our relatives in the animal kingdom.

Curmudgeon Established Member

Curmudgeon

Posted
Posted

it's anyone's "fault." Some people simply don't want to make the commitment for any number of possible reasons, too numerous to start listing.

 

In my case I could easily have been turned off by the entire concept after a 25-year marriage ended acrimoniously, I lost everything I had, including half my retirement, and spent over a decade battling the ex's severe alienation of my children.

 

Still, none of that deterred me and when the time, the woman and I were right, I married again and have never regretted it.

Mirage222 Established Member

Mirage222

Posted
Posted
Take it from one who's been there: marriage never, ever buys happiness. That's not cynicism, that's just reality. Happiness is what you bring to the relationship; it doesn't come about just because you happen to get married.

 

 

Thank you SuperC! I sometimes think that people think getting married would make them happier in their relationships. Unofrt. in time that relationship ends in divorce. I think that is nonscene as well. I agree that happiness is exactly what you bring to the relationship - It is a 2-way street, never a 1-way.

 

Also, thanks on the other quote of yours (that I messed up quoting :laugh: ) I think if a man is happy in his relationship but does not want to get married that does not mean he is holding onto his girl until something better comes along or that he does not love the girl enough to marry her

 

For my situation, I know my guy does not want to be a statistic in divorice, he does not want to be classified as "another married couple", he's had heartache within his own family that he goes back on at times .. (and he is not a kid, almost 40). At first I was like WTF, but why would I leave that happiness all over a binding document...

 

So for the original poster to give up what she has, if it is great besides the ring then leave it alone and enjoy him and what you have together.

  • 2 weeks later...
Mary3 Established Member

Mary3

Posted
Posted
No - if a guy doesn't want to marry a woman then he doesn't want to marry her and never will. It isn't anyone's fault - it just is the way it is. You can't force someone to marry you and you may think he broke up with you because you brought up marriage too much, but it was most likely the fact that he didn't want to spend the rest of lhis life with you and decided that it was better to end a relationship he had no desire to commit to rather than continue it.

 

Even the most confirmed bachelor will marry when he finds the woman he wants to settle down with. Similarly for women.

 

It's not a woman's fault a guy doesn't want to marry - it's HIS choice and HIS decision and no one should place blame anywhere. Everyone has the right to make decisions that make them feel comfortable in their lives and that doesn't mean blame has to be apportioned anywhere as a result.

 

 

Excellent Post ! OP should read this again...

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