guest Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years, I found out about 2 months ago that he has cheated several times. I told him that I didn't want to date anymore but we could still be friends (we were good friends before we dated and have become eachothers support). That was all fine until I started thinking that I wanted him back... never told him. He called me and asked if I would give him a second chance. He has deleted every phone number, every IM contact, etc. aside from his actual friends (I checked.) He swears that he will do anything to not hurt me again, but he also understands if I don't want to go there. Would you get back together with him? I am literally torn... I love him, I thought I would marry him before all of this and I can't help but think there is still that possibility sometime down the road. The other part of me is scared to death of getting hurt again and doesn't want to give him a chance. Any advice... anyone who has gotten back together with someone who cheated? How is that working out? I guess I need some reassurance one way or the other...
PandorasBox Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 My now ex husband cheated and I didn't get back with him. I didn't give him a second chance. I think its whatever you feel works best for you. Some forgive and give another chance which is fine and some don't. I'm not one to tolerate cheating personally. My thing is I didn't want to be stuck in a situation where I was always wondering if he was going to do it again. Or feel like i had to walk on eggshells etc. I wasn't willing to go to months or years of counseling to try to rebuild things, it just wasn't worth it to me. But like I said people have to do what they feel works best for them.
electric_sheep Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I think you have to consider this in the larger context. Is this relationship a really positive one in all other regards ? Are you just terribly in love with this person, and convinced that they are truly the one for you ? If so, it may be worth it to give him a second chance. If not, maybe you should try and find the strength to move on. There is also the middle road ... wait and see if your feelings rebound, and see if you can learn to trust him again (and if he is deserving of that trust). I think people can change, and I do believe in giving people a second chance ... sometimes. Not everyone is worth it though.
basscatcher Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I havent... I've havent taken a man back after breaking up since my second bf in high school... I just feel if I wasn't good enough the first time what makes me good enough the second time..
Spectre Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Since I'm male, Ill switch guy to girl. To answer this: No, I would not. Unless she had documented proof it was mind control serum, then the excuse "i didnt know what i was doing" or "I didnt want to" would actually apply.
basscatcher Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 If I was married it might be a little different just because I vowed for better or worse but if he did it again then it would be hell to pay. He will be on the street like my x was... As for dating NO..
Spectre Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 If I was married it might be a little different just because I vowed for better or worse but if he did it again then it would be hell to pay. He will be on the street like my x was... Ive never been married, youre saying there isnt a vow about cheating?
basscatcher Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Ive never been married, youre saying there isnt a vow about cheating? sacred marriages (christian marriages) state that you will love, honor, obey, for better for worse till death do you part. I know the church wanted my x and I to try work things out. The only thing is the abuse was so profane that the preist told me to get out.. He told me the church doesn't want anyone in a unhealthy marriage where there is harm to another person through physical abuse and such where it is life threatening. Even mental and verbal abuse can be so destructive that the church would tell you to get out if there wasn't any hope in help helping. Such was my situation. I worked on that marriage one-sided for years with very little help from him to work through the problems. I knew I should have never married him but did and therefore I tried to honor my vows but failed. I've been in the process of working on my annulment for some time now. Its not easy but I'm sure I will get it based on my situation.. Infidelity kills the trust and it takes a lot of work and lots of money for counceling to work out of that issue.. It's not often that couples make it after an affair. There is alway issues after such a delima
Spectre Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 You should think of it from a different perspective. You were trying to honor your vows, but he did not honor his.
basscatcher Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 You should think of it from a different perspective. You were trying to honor your vows, but he did not honor his. ah he was abusive, neglectful and also cheated on me 7 times that i know of. I too fell and had a 6 month affair with a co-worker (who later who 4 years later after my divorce renewed the relationship in the open for 4 /2 years and he also cheated on me..) I am not without fault but my affair wasnt revealed until 8 1/2 years later... I don't know the cause of his actions but I know why for mine.. he cheated from the beginning of us dating and I didn't even know it. I don't know where he found the time!! But he did. This is my reasons why I answered the way I did.
Heavenseventeen Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 If it was after 20 years plus of marriage, I would think about taking him back. But he's cheating before we've even got down the aisle, so for me he'd have to go. Plus it wasn't just once, it was loads of times. Why should you have to live in fear of being hurt again? No one deserves, so I personally wouldn't waste my time.
norajane Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Take him back - ONCE - only if you believe: - you won't constantly be worrying if he's going to cheat again - you don't feel like you have to constantly check up on him to find out if he's cheating - you understand exactly why he cheated the first time AND the reasons aren't likely to come up again (say, you were long distance for months at a time and he was stupid guy and got drunk) - he didn't cheat with one of your friends - he's willing to do what you need to feel comfortable, like calling you when he's going to be late, no unexplained absences or far-fetched stories about where he is, no broken dates or being stood-up, no unexplained phone calls or constant text-messaging with others...
Guest Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Take him back - ONCE - only if you believe: - you won't constantly be worrying if he's going to cheat again - you don't feel like you have to constantly check up on him to find out if he's cheating - you understand exactly why he cheated the first time AND the reasons aren't likely to come up again (say, you were long distance for months at a time and he was stupid guy and got drunk) - he didn't cheat with one of your friends - he's willing to do what you need to feel comfortable, like calling you when he's going to be late, no unexplained absences or far-fetched stories about where he is, no broken dates or being stood-up, no unexplained phone calls or constant text-messaging with others... You must be a mind reader! We are long distance usually we see eachother once a month, he did get drunk and he was stupid (at least that is how it started.) I think the whole thing started because of others lack of faith in long distance relationships and those people convinced him that it wasn't worth it. He regrets it and it was with someone I don't know at all and someone he won't run into again unless he wants to! I think I will be paranoid for a while that he will do it again but I think I can get past that and trust him again. Thanks for all the replys
NightsInWhiteSatin Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years, I found out about 2 months ago that he has cheated several times. I told him that I didn't want to date anymore but we could still be friends (we were good friends before we dated and have become eachothers support). That was all fine until I started thinking that I wanted him back... never told him. He called me and asked if I would give him a second chance. He has deleted every phone number, every IM contact, etc. aside from his actual friends (I checked.) He swears that he will do anything to not hurt me again, but he also understands if I don't want to go there. Would you get back together with him? I am literally torn... I love him, I thought I would marry him before all of this and I can't help but think there is still that possibility sometime down the road. The other part of me is scared to death of getting hurt again and doesn't want to give him a chance. Any advice... anyone who has gotten back together with someone who cheated? How is that working out? I guess I need some reassurance one way or the other... I've taken two guys back after cheating - don't do it to yourself......i've learnt my lesson...twice over....no matter what they say....and no matter how much you love them....it wont work out....it'll ruin you and the relationship...dont let him have what he doesnt deserve.
john2776 Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Long distance - I feel for you, its tough, especially when the trust gets broken. I recommend you don't take him back. I can imagine in the future you regretting taking him back when he cheats again, or you finally realise you just can't trust him. I can't imagine you looking back in a few years and thinking "Oh I wish I had of given that guy that cheated on me a 2nd chance." Because you are in love you can't see straight, but in years to come he will just be another loser.
Guest Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 I have to admit that after 15 yrs I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me. Only oral sex though. Not that it mattered. It wasn't the sex part that hurt. It was all the lying and making me feel like a jeolous weirdo and I was right all along. I decided to leave him and met someone else and was happy for a couple of weeks when he used our son to get me to come back and give him a chance for 2 weeks. It is day 5. I love him still but I am not staying. I am going to leave in a few days. Besides the cheating I wasn't happy and still want to leave. The other man I'm seeing knows my situation and is waiting for me. So even though I think I could forgive him. The other stuff just seems so irratating now that I cant' stay., My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years, I found out about 2 months ago that he has cheated several times. I told him that I didn't want to date anymore but we could still be friends (we were good friends before we dated and have become eachothers support). That was all fine until I started thinking that I wanted him back... never told him. He called me and asked if I would give him a second chance. He has deleted every phone number, every IM contact, etc. aside from his actual friends (I checked.) He swears that he will do anything to not hurt me again, but he also understands if I don't want to go there. Would you get back together with him? I am literally torn... I love him, I thought I would marry him before all of this and I can't help but think there is still that possibility sometime down the road. The other part of me is scared to death of getting hurt again and doesn't want to give him a chance. Any advice... anyone who has gotten back together with someone who cheated? How is that working out? I guess I need some reassurance one way or the other...
purspeed Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 You're going to take him back regardless. So, just do it and be done with it already. Post here when you found out that he continued to cheat on you and you are in the depths of hell, as your self esteem has been eroded to nothingness.
electric_sheep Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Here are some interesting things to think about ... not just for you, but possibly for anyone: 1) Do you sincerely think it is possible for people to change ? If so, how difficult is it, and how often does it happen. I've tried (sort of, anyway) for years and years to change certain things about myself, but have failed miserably. Other people seem to successfully make life altering changes in a day, and never look back. 2) Do you know what it's like to do or say something that you really didn't want to do or so, but you did anyway ? It's kind of like you want to purposely trip yourself up for some reason. I used to do this all the time. People like this can be dangerous to date. 3) Are you good at forgiving people, or do you file everything away and let it sort of slowely eat away at you ? Some people can forgive and move on. Others never do, and instead hold onto the negative feelings like they are some kind of prize. These people often retaliate slowely and passive aggressively for months if not years. Sadly, there are a few transgressions for which I fall into this later category. I wish I didn't, but I do. 4) What do you think the underlining motivation was ? This should tell you something about the person and there moral calibre, and possibly about the health of the relationship. It's possible he miscalculated how he felt about the relationship, or perhaps he simply thought he could get away with things, or perhaps he falls into category 2 above. 5) Do you detect a sincere desire to make amends ? A sincere regret ? Your partner has taken something special out of the relationship by his actions. You really think he is willing to try and build trust and restore things ? Even if he is, are you willing to let him ?
samsungxoxo Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Never, there is tolerance in my book for cheating, zero. I could forgive him as a person,b ut I would move on with my life. Forgiving does not means that I will take him back, hells nope. I have no patience to be in couseling with him for months-years, I'm the type of person who like hanging out with friends and being on the comp. I also wouldn't waste time playing the guessing game "Oh will he do it again or not", not would I want him as friend either. If he was manage to betrayed me as a b/f, then he woudl also be capable of betrying me as a friend too.
quankanne Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 not only no, but hell no. If he didn't respect our relationship enough to stay clean – no matter how hard he found it to be faithful – then what's the use of trying to hook up with him again? The trust just wouldn't be there for me.
The slayer Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 What I feel is that people tend to get very black and white about "cheating" even he word itself is loaded. It's my belief that actually monogamy is quite hard for humans and I tend to view infedility as a sympton rather than a cause of relationship breakdown, my approach to life is always to try and address the cause rather than just banish the symptoms. I find it vey interesting that both in life and on these forums most people seem to veiw any kind of "cheating" as a deal breaker even if every other aspect of the relationship was good, however will not only tolerate but rationalise varying degrees of mental, physical and emotional abuse. To me infdelity is nowhere near the worst relationship crime, and is always something worth trying to understand and address. I want to make it clear that I am not here refering to serial infidelity as I see that as a chronic problem. In brief I would agree with Norajane and be prepared to take someone back ONCE only provided the episode, fits her criteria for doing so. I have experienced this and discovered once that my partner had "cheated" several times, I could understand why and it didn't destroy my trust. We did split up several years later, but for an entirely dfferent reason, we never really managed to crack the Cause and oter symptoms kept croping up. One word of caution would be, make sure that you really believe the relationship would be worth it and your desire to take him back isn't driven either by a fantasy version of what our relationship could have been or the fact that you are feeling lonely
Guest Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 You're going to take him back regardless. So, just do it and be done with it already. Post here when you found out that he continued to cheat on you and you are in the depths of hell, as your self esteem has been eroded to nothingness. What makes you so sure that I am going to take him back... I haven't yet!!!
samsungxoxo Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Good, don't ever take him back. He should even be thanking you you're being friends with him, I wouldn't. As to the previous poster, I don't care baout what the causes were, no excuse whatsoever. I wouldn't tolerate being replaced, no replacement for me. Good, don't ever take him back,
lindya Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 I find it vey interesting that both in life and on these forums most people seem to veiw any kind of "cheating" as a deal breaker even if every other aspect of the relationship was good, however will not only tolerate but rationalise varying degrees of mental, physical and emotional abuse. Perhaps it's easier for some people to believe that someone can hit them - yet still have strong emotions for them. I'm not condoning that, I'm just saying that primitive fears of being betrayed and abandoned can sometimes outweigh the fear of violence. When someone cheats on you, they've shown ability and willingness to shut their relationship with you into a box marked "irrelevant" for the time it takes to bed someone else. There's an unappealing superficiality and lack of character about someone who can do that to a so-called significant other. It's hard to take a person who does that seriously. Hard to regain trust in them, to love them - and to view them as being worth the energy it would take to try. That's probably why cheating is a deal-breaker for so many people.
Love_the_Loni Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Clearly, everyone agrees here and I strongly agree with heaven17--he is doing this before you're even married. You don't really have anything invested in this relationship, yet. Don't be a loser and set yourself up for a miserable life. Don't you feel like you are worth more? Don't you deserve better? Someone who feels like you are #1 and every other woman in the world couldn't add up to you? Come on don't be an idiot just because you are comfortable or scared. Move on. There is better. Let him be a piece of crap to someone else.
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