Amethyst020 Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I've been dating this guy for 6 months. We honestly have a very good relationship and have great communication, overcome any agruements, have mutual friends, enjoy the same interests, and love is great together. However; he mentioned to me a few months back about going back to his home to a wedding he is in (he's also the best man). Now he's not sure if I should go because he's worried that he will spend zero time with me which is what he does not want to happen. Here's the kicker...there are at least 4+ mutual friends of ours that will be attending so it's not like I will be "bored" or something. I make friends easily. I am offended by not being able to go. He's knows it will be expensive for me to attend being I am single mom but I planned on going so that is not an issue. He's probably not telling me something true which is whether he doesn't want me to go or he's worried about something else with me and protecting me (financially, being out of state from my daughter, etc. which I could see him concerned about). Again many of our mutual friends are going and I have met the groom & bride. Our mutual friends know the B&G better than me but still why am I not invited? Any advice? I'm honestly to the point that if I don't go I'm seriously looking at breaking up with him. Granted that's extreme but it's a trust or future prospect issue. Thank you all for your advice and personal experience!!!! -Amethyst020
Walk Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 What is your main concern with not being invited to the wedding? You want to go because....? Its his home town and you want to meet his family, friends, and see where he grew up? Or to see this couple get married? What is the main driving reason behind wanting to go so badly? **I'm asking because I want to understand the underlying feelings for why you are upset.** In my opinion, I don't think it's a good idea for you to go. He's the best man. That's a huge responsibility. I know we had the best man in our wedding running from dawn to dusk that day. He was exhausted. His poor date didn't see him the entire day. We had him pick up the tuxs in the morning, get the rings, run errands, find the lost people in our wedding party, ensure that both bride and groom were on track. Act as go between for bride and groom, escort to parents..etc etc. etc. He did not have an easy day, nor a moment to himself. Your bf's job, and it is a job, is to ensure that the soon to be mr. and mrs. have a spectacular day. If you go, he is always going to be concerned about your welfare and mental status. You won't mean to distract him from his job, but you will. He cares for you and wants to ensure that you are comfortable, and happy. But he can't give you the attention I'm sure he would want to, and he can't give his full attention to the bride and groom because he feels he should be giving it to you. Instead of being able to focus on just one thing, he'll be constantly running between trying to ensure you don't think he's an ass because he's not paying attention to you, and ensure bride and groom have everything they need. I honestly think you should tell him to go and that you are going to be happy and content having the weekend to your self. And suggesting that at a later date you would really like to see where he grew up, and if you two could do that soon. But would going to the wedding really be what would be best for him? Or is it what you want and you're pushing him to agree?
whichwayisup Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I think if you go, he'll be worried bout you not having a good time, wondering if you're pissed at him for not spending time with you. His responsibility to his friend getting married, being bestman is pressure. Also, what if he just wants to party it up and drink? I think you need to let him go and not take this personally. Do you think he's going to cheat on you, and that's why he doesn't want you there? Is it possible in his mind, 6 months isn't a long time, so maybe he isn't quite comfy yet introducing you to everybody under that setting? Maybe after the wedding and he's back, discuss the seriousness of your relationship. Where it's going, how he feels, how you feel and what each of you expect or hope for in the future together. As I mentioned, 6 months isn't a long time...
scrybe74 Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I've been a best man/groomsman in weddings before. In EVERY case the girl I was with made it a miserable experience for me. Each time I would let her know that if I'm part of the wedding party I won't be at her side very much. Usually it was a close family member or friend and it was always like a reunion so we partied hard and fun. Because my date usually didn't have a long history of friendship with the core people she always felt abandoned and took it out on me. I also didn't have much fun because I was worried about her feeling abandoned the whole time. I commend him for thinking logically about this and saving you both the pain and hassle....especially if it's going to be a financial hurdle for you. I would advise you to stay home and use the money you saved up for a trip for just the two of you. You've only known each other for 6 months but he's known these people all of his life so cut him a little slack. Maybe after you've been together longer he'll feel comfortable bringing you in the mix.
norajane Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Maybe he's afraid you'll run into an ex-girlfriend of his and she'll tell you all his secrets... Maybe he's afraid going to this wedding will make you start talking about commitment and marriage... There's no point in going if he doesn't want you there. And there's no point in breaking up over this if your relationship is good otherwise. Don't turn this into a make or break issue. Plan something fun for yourself that weekend instead...if you've already saved up to attend the wedding, splurge on a spa weekend or a weekend away at the beach with your girlfriends.
quankanne Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 this shouldn't be a make or break issue, especially as you two haven't been dating that long a time, IMHO, and he's more than likely worried about this being a make or break deal if you're at the wedding and you don't like being ignored by him, despite the fact that he's going to pretty much be on the job in this situation. sit him down and tell him that because you know these people, you'd enjoy spending their special day with them, even as you realize that he's going to be busy. That you're okay with the idea that he's going to be 98 percent tied up with the wedding and that you prolly won't get to see him until the reception. That might help him feel less pressured to be there as your date and help him see that it's something you want to do out of celebration with those friends. If it helps, offer to go along to record on film y'alls friends' big day – that might also help him to see that you are willing to fend for yourself/keep yourself entertained until you DO have a chance to hook up at the event. mind you, if he does have a change of heart and feels that you're okay with keeping yourself entertained, you're going to have to do your best to stay out of his hair and be there as a guest, not an upset girlfriend fretting over the lack of time or attention you're getting from him. otherwise, just chalk it up to a date you can't make, and don't hold it against him.
Author Amethyst020 Posted July 18, 2006 Author Posted July 18, 2006 What is your main concern with not being invited to the wedding? You want to go because....? Its his home town and you want to meet his family, friends, and see where he grew up? Or to see this couple get married? What is the main driving reason behind wanting to go so badly? **I'm asking because I want to understand the underlying feelings for why you are upset.** You are so right on asking this though and you made me think more about the underlying reasons. I would say it's because 1) I want to meet his family and where he grew up and 2) a large group of our mutual friends are already going. Maybe I should realize the kid in me that's maybe feeling "left out". Inmature to feel that way but just recognizing why I'm upset.
Author Amethyst020 Posted July 18, 2006 Author Posted July 18, 2006 I wish he wouldn't have asked me in the first place and got my hopes up. I'm sure he "wants" me there but it's not a good idea now and I see that thanks to everyone's posts! Maybe I was just hurt because we have mutual friends going and it's not like I would be bored then. I have decided that I'm going to visit my sister down south instead. I need to visit her anyways. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable. Also, I don't want the added expense which right now airfare to that city is running around $400 a ticket! Plus, hotel expense, etc. Not worth it. I'd rather spend that money on the trip this fall that he & I are talking about going on.
scrybe74 Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 I wish he wouldn't have asked me in the first place and got my hopes up. I'm sure he "wants" me there but it's not a good idea now and I see that thanks to everyone's posts! Maybe I was just hurt because we have mutual friends going and it's not like I would be bored then. I have decided that I'm going to visit my sister down south instead. I need to visit her anyways. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable. Also, I don't want the added expense which right now airfare to that city is running around $400 a ticket! Plus, hotel expense, etc. Not worth it. I'd rather spend that money on the trip this fall that he & I are talking about going on. I think that's a brilliant idea. I'm willing to bet my last box of cap'n crunch that you're relationship will be just a bit more stronger after this!
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