loveinlife Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I went out with my ex for a year and half. Its been almost a year since our break up and we still keep in contact. It is not helping me at all to get over her. I believe she has a bf as told by my friend; this is also something she has been concealing until a month ago when I asked her whats going on with her and this other guy. I don't get why my ex calls me each time I tell her that I can't talk to her anymore. Currently, I am in the transition of trying to heal. Sometimes I feel like i am doing so well, but after talking to her, I go back into the same depression as I was in before. Its been almost a year and i still haven't completely moved on. Please advise my situation any comments are appreciated.
2020vision Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Its sounds like you have become an emotional crutch for your ex, aka a doormat. You need to stop talking to her, it doesn't work. You sound like you know what the right thing to do is, you just need some pushing to get there. You need to stop talking/emailing/texting etc...its not going to work. You obviously can't be friends without it doing some damage to you. I would complain about my ex boyfriend to my mom over and over again and she finally said to me..."Michelle, how is that workin' for ya?" And as simple as that I thought to myself, "Damnit, this is not working for me at all!!" and I got pissed, and threw in the towel on talking to him. You need to focus on yourself, and you have practically wasted a year of your life that you cannot get back. I have faith that you can break this nasty cycle. No explanations, change your number, block her numbers, block her emails and drop off the face of the earth. Best of luck to you! Regards, 2020
In Sync Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I would complain about my ex boyfriend to my mom over and over again and she finally said to me..."Michelle, how is that workin' for ya?" And as simple as that I thought to myself, "Damnit, this is not working for me at all!!" and I got pissed, and threw in the towel on talking to him. You need to focus on yourself, and you have practically wasted a year of your life that you cannot get back. I have faith that you can break this nasty cycle. No explanations, change your number, block her numbers, block her emails and drop off the face of the earth. Best of luck to you! Regards, 2020 It never fails we wreck our brains over and over and over a problem but in the end..mothers always know best! Applause to all those great moms!
2020vision Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 It never fails we wreck our brains over and over and over a problem but in the end..mothers always know best! Applause to all those great moms! I know, its amazing isn't it? I think what that phrase did for me specifically was it forced me to examine my life. Sometimes you get caught up in moments and bad situations and just go through the motions and don't realize you are doing damage to yourself, and actually have the power to change it.
In Sync Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I know, its amazing isn't it? I think what that phrase did for me specifically was it forced me to examine my life. Sometimes you get caught up in moments and bad situations and just go through the motions and don't realize you are doing damage to yourself, and actually have the power to change it. I commend your mom for that perfect direct to the point question, because it was brilliant that it got to the point without making you feel bad and making you reflect. It takes the genius of a mom to know how to bring awareness to the forefront and do it in a loving way.
Author loveinlife Posted July 17, 2006 Author Posted July 17, 2006 Thanks for all the comments, it is really helpful to get these advices. It is my first posting on this website and it has already made me feel part of this circumstance that everyone goes through. Thanks for everyone's help!
scrybe74 Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I echo what 2020 said. She (and her mom) hit right on the head. Change your number, email, cell phone.....the sooner you do it the sooner you'll start feeling better about yourself. As long as you are emotionally there for her she's free to do whatever she wants with whomever she wants and feels no pain because you are always there for her.
Author loveinlife Posted July 18, 2006 Author Posted July 18, 2006 Thanks for the good point guys. Everyone here understands me. She has been using me when she is stressed. She tells me about her probs and asks me for advices. I have become absorbed to some of her issues. The reason I still listen to her is for her to be happy, which in return has hurt me more than good. I just felt that i owe her some help which allowed me to get this far and where i am today to learn so much about life and relationships. But i will follow to be strong and act accordingly to these advices that everyone has given for allowing myself to heal and grow. Much props guys/girls. =) Seems like the harder life treats us, the better we become
In Sync Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Thanks for the good point guys. Everyone here understands me. She has been using me when she is stressed. She tells me about her probs and asks me for advices. I have become absorbed to some of her issues. The reason I still listen to her is for her to be happy, which in return has hurt me more than good. I just felt that i owe her some help which allowed me to get this far and where i am today to learn so much about life and relationships. But i will follow to be strong and act accordingly to these advices that everyone has given for allowing myself to heal and grow. Much props guys/girls. =) Seems like the harder life treats us, the better we become Everyone here on LS has suffered through some heartache at one point in their lives. The beauty of it is istead of just wallowing in our pain we choose to open our hearts and offer our advice because we do understand. Often we have different points of views and advice but I assure you our advice comes with comppassion. Now as for what you said in your post about about listening to her for her to be happy...I've learned the hard way from my experience that you can never be the source of someone's happiness. The minute you try to do so you've become a prisoner to this illusion. Her happiness comes from within herself and vice versa it comes from within you. It means that each person is responsible for seeking happiness from within ourselves and YES we bring this happiness to the relationship. But when we start on that road of "I'll make them happy" or "She makes me happy" THIS IS WHERE DEPENDENCY STARTS and surprise surprise unhappiness begins...because you are now imprisoned with endless ways of trying to please someome and like the weather how do you know when the sunny days will stay and when the cloudy days will come...You owe her nothing. This is not being cruel. This is freeing you from making a bad situation worse. Being kind and available is a choice but doing it as a means of paying a debt will make you feel like a martyr (? probably mispelled but you get my point) It ceases to be a gesture that comes from honestly caring. Good Luck.
Author loveinlife Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 My ex still calls me every other day. Its getting to a point where I dislike bc I believe she has a bf. Really, what kind of a girl does that, trying to be on two boats at the same time. I need to cut this contact off, but I am also curious of what she wants. This phone calling needs to stop, I dont owe her anything. Trying too hard to be Mr. Nice guy. Thanks again guys!
KittenMoon Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Really, what kind of a girl does that, trying to be on two boats at the same time. A lot of girls. Hang up the phone.
Author loveinlife Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 I just told my ex that we should cut off ties. She agreed with me. Now im going through so much pain =*( She said she saw me as a friend. Wonder if I should have told her that, maybe we could of been friends. But the only thing is that I still have some feelings for her. Hope I did the right thing. I am not 100 percent healed. Is NC the best way to move on? I really believed that this girl was the best one i had and that i almost married her. Don't know if I will find another person better! =*(
Chinook Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 I just told my ex that we should cut off ties. She agreed with me. Now im going through so much pain =*( She said she saw me as a friend. Wonder if I should have told her that, maybe we could of been friends. But the only thing is that I still have some feelings for her. Hope I did the right thing. I am not 100 percent healed. Is NC the best way to move on? I really believed that this girl was the best one i had and that i almost married her. Don't know if I will find another person better! =*( I feel so sorry for you. I did exactly the same thing with my ex-partner and we had been together for 10 years. I was there for him for around a year after our break-up. I talked with him, helped him feel less shattered, helped him to rebuild his self-confidence in that I took ownership of everything which happened. In short, I was his friend. I never changed who I was to him... I was always the first person he told everything to. I was the first person who he relied upon. He did that for a full year after we split - and I let him. It has only been recently that I realised I am still not moving forwards and we're still in contact due to legal issues with transferring our home equity to me. I have no doubt that the last two years have been wasted. It's time I can't get back. I plan to ensure that once the home equity is transferred to enforce strict 'no contact'. I don't plan to tell him or advise him or give him any heads up that I plan to drop off the face of the earth because my plan is not to give him ground to get me or us back together. I simply want to heal. I simply want to stop hurting now. No contact is the only thing which will work. It's working in short bursts now. When I have a period of a few weeks when he doesn't contact me... I feel okay. Not 100% but getting by. As soon as he contacts me. It hurts. So I know NC is my only way of going forwards and I cannot wait to implement it because I'm tired of hurting.
Author loveinlife Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 Aww Chinook. I feel the same. I understand exactly what you are talking about. I helped her with building her confidence and every little issue that she had. Yeah, we talk about everything. In the end, only frienship is wanted. I am really sorry for you too. Have a wonderful day!
Chinook Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Aww Chinook. I feel the same. I understand exactly what you are talking about. I helped her with building her confidence and every little issue that she had. Yeah, we talk about everything. In the end, only frienship is wanted. I am really sorry for you too. Have a wonderful day! hey... we'll get there, it just takes the more careful of us a little longer.
Author loveinlife Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 Yep, good sign that you are showing Chinook. We'll keep our heads up and see the better side of life. I mean I enjoy being single, but its just some of the memories haunts me. But I know that one day, I'll release my memories to not attatch too much emotions. This has helped me so far. I get this from doing audio cd meditation. It really helps! Keep it up Chinook and everyone out there.
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