lebowski24 Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 My ex and I broke up a little over 2 months ago, and it really has been a roller coaster of a ride for me. But, during the last 3 weeks or so, I've been sticking to the no contact deal and have really just been trying to get over her and start fixing the personal problems that I had that were hurting my life (hating my job, not working out enough, etc). Enter this weekend where I ran into her twice randomly on two separate days. The first time, I passed her on the street and we just said "hey" as we passed by each other. The second time was today when we happened to get lunch at the same place, and it was basically a "hey, how are you"... "I'm fine, and you?" deal. Surprisingly, this didn't get me all that depressed, which I'm taking as a sign that I'm starting to get over the breakup. But what it got me thinking about was this... when can we start talking again? I came to an epiphony recently that I was depressed even before she broke up with me and that I actually needed this time alone to work out a bunch of personal issues that I had. But I've worked out a lot of those issues, and the only thing that is bothering me now is that when we do pass each other on the street, we can't have an actual conversation. I would really just love to have a friendly chat with her about how well things have been going for me and to ask her how things have been in her life. Maybe this is just me longing for her companionship, but it just feels like the time is right (from my side) to have a good, sincere conversation. The problem is, I doubt that she would even pick up her phone if I called her to ask. She would probably think that I wanted to get back together (which, to be honest, is something I want more than anything, but I would say no even if she wanted to because I can't let her mess with my head any more). Not to mention, I vowed to myself that since she hadn't returned my calls/emails from a month or so ago, that I would never contact her again until she contacted me. Sorry, this is just a half-drunk rant, but I'm curious to see if there are any thoughts about how long you should wait before trying to have a friendly chat with your ex.
Mollyanna Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 I hope someone can answer you because I have the same question. When can we talk again? I am only on Day 2 of NC and I already want to know when to stop. I made the decision for NC. But I don't know how long it should last. How do I know when I am ready to be his friend again and not get hurt by him. How do you know when you are ready?
jorgeajorge73 Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Why did you break up in the first place. You need to answer that question first. Give yourself time to heal and reflect on the relationship. Give yourself at least three months before you make contact. By this time you have given yourself sometime to heal and would at least be strong enough to approach that person. As for me, I'm going on three months with no contact with my ex. She cheated on me and took advantage of me as well. For me, personally, I'm never going to have contact her ever again, with me, once you do that, your out my life no matter how much I love that person. Again, circumstances...And is it worth your time...
saiga Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 To make things simple.....you stop no contact when the other party contacts you. Doing otherwise undermines the entire point of NC if your trying to get them back. Otherwise, your just using the "we can be friends" routine to satisfy your emotional desire to see them, and be involved. Beware, you may get them back.....but that does not mean they have changed (usually they don't... esp over a short period of time)....don't be caught off guard if the same issues and or behavior reoccurs. Speaking from the voice of experience.
KNE10 Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Avoid contact, especially since you ran into her. Give time to yourself and the other person to get over the breakup arguments. If she doesn't contact you then you should wait. Wait a bit longer and make your effort to meet when you are ready to deal with a possible rejection. Just my thought. My ex contacted me today after 18 days of no contact but i will not give her more attention. If in 15 days time i feel like trying again i will make my move. Definitely NOT NOW. Make her miss you and clear your head. Find another girl even as a flirt to get her over your mind. That worked for me.
Mollyanna Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Please don't use another girl just to get another one out of your head. That is how some of us got hurt in the first place!
Smung Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Molly, it's not a matter of using another girl. It's a matter of living your life, and moving on. Why not be able to flirt and give someone else a try? Doesn't make any sense to me to stay a hermit!
Mollyanna Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 You don't need to hurt some other girl just to make yourself feel better though. Flirting and hanging out is fine, but watch that line - that is all I am saying. Don't lead someone on and hang out with them with one eye on the door waiting for your ex to re-enter. That isn't fair.
Author lebowski24 Posted July 19, 2006 Author Posted July 19, 2006 Thanks for the post, KNE10. I feel like we've been helping each other out a lot lately! It's funny too, cause we're on about the same amount of time for NC (I'm on 3+ weeks). Anyways, I realized today that although I know we can't get back together because she'll just do it to me again anyways, in the back of my head I was really just hoping we would be able to meet, talk, and maybe it would happen. Luckily I did what I've been doing to clear my head of those thoughts, which was to go to the gym and then for a run when I got home. I bet she was surprised this weekend to see how back in shape and tan I got when I ran into her I wonder what the chances are that she contacts me some day. Who knows if she has been thinking about me a lot since she saw me, or if she forgot about it 10 minutes later.
Thursday_le Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Lebowski... its beem a month tomorrow since my ex broke up with me. And 23 days of NC. I feel the same way. I want to contact her....but I know it wouldnt be fair to either one of us. I dont think 3 months is long enough either. It really depends on the situation. And it depends when she contacts you. Dont worry....She will eventually see how much you are worth to her and she will randomly call you or get a hold of you when you least expect it. If this girl really loves you she will enter your life again....someway. I think in my case...my ex said she felt like she was being held back. Ill let her find out all that she needs to by herself. Untill that day she needs me ....ill continue to live my life. The 3 of us can be in this together....you know cause of the same 3 weeks thing...lol. Hang in there man...!
Mollyanna Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Who knows if she has been thinking about me a lot since she saw me, or if she forgot about it 10 minutes later. I also like to think that my X is thinking of me, but then I ask myself - how often do I really think of the guys that I broke up with? at first I feel sorry for them, but then I just feel relieved it is over. I do remember once being a little ticked off because I saw an ex looking fine and wondering why the hell he didn't put himself together that way when we were together. But it was only a thought, not anything I would have pursued him over. An honestly, the more time that passes, the more fondly I think of the x's. Funny, wish I would have thought of that today before I broke NC on only the 3rd day...
Author lebowski24 Posted July 19, 2006 Author Posted July 19, 2006 I do remember once being a little ticked off because I saw an ex looking fine and wondering why the hell he didn't put himself together that way when we were together. I can answer that one for you... he bettered himself after you broke up with him, maybe for you, maybe just for himself. I've been spending the past 2 months doing everything possible to better myself. I realized at some point during these 2 months that I was in a depressed state even before the breakup and all I ever wanted to do was lay on the couch and watch tv. Now, I do nothing but work out, go out with friends, go to the beach (ours is open like 3 months out of the year), etc. On top of that, I landed a new better job, which actually was probably a result of getting my act together and being more confident about life again. That was actually the reason for this thread... I have bettered myself, and there is a big part of me that wants to show her that. I can only imagine that my slipping into a depressed/lazy state was half the reason for breaking up in the first place.
Mollyanna Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 I can only imagine that my slipping into a depressed/lazy state was half the reason for breaking up in the first place. Oh yeah, that was definitely a contributing factor to me and my guys "time and space" speech. I was diagnosed with depression many years ago and have refused treatment and and just wanted to sort it out and be strong for myself. A lot of the time I can get myself through it. But this time, I leaned on him way too much. I felt I finally had someone to share my burden with. Guess he wasn't ready for that. I know I can be too much to handle when I am depressed.
Author lebowski24 Posted July 19, 2006 Author Posted July 19, 2006 I guess I am looking at it as a short-term depression, like because of the winter, not liking my job, and a few other things, I never really wanted to do anything and I was tired all the time. But now, it's summer, I'm working out again, got a new job, etc. so I feel much more energetic and happy. Just wish I could share that with her though.
alphamale Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Sorry, this is just a half-drunk rant, but I'm curious to see if there are any thoughts about how long you should wait before trying to have a friendly chat with your ex. Are you insane? Why would you ever want to "chat" with her again. Its history. Close this chapter and move on...
Mollyanna Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 We need to work on ourselves and feel better for us, not them. that is the hardest thing to keep in mind. Why can we put so much effort into others and not care enough about ourselves? Are we not worth the effort??
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