selfless love is just an illusion

July 22, 2006

People make this judgement far too hastily, IMHO. I think they think they'd be saints given the same situation. I'd love to caution all these oh-so-indignant people that none of us knows how they'd react in a situation like this. So don't be so high-falutin' because if it were you, you might bail even faster.

People are tremendously strong and courageous in theory, but when life smacks them in the gob, their reactions may surprise even them.

So before you judge this lady, you try being in the exact situation.

I'm just, as they say, sayin'

You are just sayin' some very powerful words, outie. human beings are capable of doing crazy things.

especially when they are grieving.

July 22, 2006

WEll, I am the original poster who started this thread. I thought I would register, seeing the response I am getting. I honestly didnt think I'd be here this long. I had originally thought I'd just post my thread and leave, but I find I am able to express myself here.

From what my Sis-in-law has told me, they were all told the same thing about my condition- i.e. the doctors couldn't predict how I would be responding.
As for the second part, my ex had told my Sis when she told her that she was pregnant that it was not a planned one and that "it just happened". I really dont want to know the gory details of how "it just happened". I have enough images in my head after watching the tape.

Not possible. He is the biological father and his rights cannot be taken away from him. Hypothetically, even if it can be done, can we really keep him away. Wont the child have to be told at some point, and then wont the child want to get in touch with him. wont the child resent me then for keeping the biological father away from the child... Moreover there is my feelings to the child too. I am not sure I wont resent the child for what he/she represents. Even if I wont resent it, I think I'll be biased when I have my own children. I dont think I'll love both equally. Other dreams are broken too. I wanted to share the journey of making children with my wife. Now her first baby has nothing to do with me, she is making that journey with some other man.

One thing I am sure of I cannot accept her as my wife with another man's baby. The second thing is I'n not sure I can accept her even without the baby. That is the reason why I asked her to move on. Even when she offered to get the abortion, I told her not to do anything for me, because I was not sure I can reconcile with her even after that. The other issues that I had mentioned in my previous posts are very much a sore point.

I will talk to her sometime soon, lets see how things unfold.

I am also trying to get my career back on track. I am thinking of setting up a consulting business.

It makes me wonder as if this had been going on BEFORE the accident (affair). Makes me wonder of HER chariter, you in a coma and all. Also does she know that you saw the video tape of them? Lastly why does she get the house, not that you would want it after this, why should you pay for HER actions, and saving HER life? I have to wonder if SHE was looking for an excuse to do this, and she found one, just my opinion.

July 22, 2006

Man oh man. It's no wonder there's war in the world when everybody is SO susipcious and distrustful of their fellow humans.

July 22, 2006

Just make sure she can't pin the child on YOU, or make you support it. The laws ARE twisted against men, take ALL the precausions, even if you have to get a paternaty test.

July 23, 2006

I want to thank you all for your support, thank you a lot, its good to talk about this and thrash it out so to say.

I would like to clarify that is my sincere belief that my wife didnt have an affair before my accident. I dont know when this started, but I am sure it started after my accident. I just dont want to trash her by condoning a speculation on something that I know is not true.

About another issue- It was only when someone brought it up here, that I though about it. What am I going to tell her about my true feelings about the pregnancy. I dont know what to say. I dont know whether to just say it as it is, and let the **** hit the fan. Or just to remain noncommittal.

I was just thinking if there would ever be a situation where I would have accepted my wife with another man's baby- I think , i would have- if (god forbid) she was raped and pregnant as a result, then I would be with her no matter what she wanted to do about the baby. I am sure I would have raised the baby as my own child. But this is a different situation. Here the baby would be a symbol of how she replaced me. Of me feeling like someone who is convenient to have around, but is also dispensable. I would feel worthless.

I really dont know what to do. I was feeling calm, but now that I have to meet her. I am highly stressed out. I am feeling blue. It is so painful. I dont have any appetite. I threw up twice today.

July 23, 2006

I think you're stressed out because you convinced yourself that she considered you 'replaceable' and rejected you. You have to stop upsetting yourself by thinking this way. When are you scheduled to meet?

July 23, 2006

You seem a very young, and a very rigid and unforgiving young man. I hope time will grant you some flexibility in your viewpoints, as without that I fear that you will lead a very disappointed and unhappy life. People make mistakes. Your wife made one. I wonder what you would have done if you would have been in her shoes.

As you grow older and want forgiveness yourself, and you will, it will do you good to look back on this and remember what you weren't willing to even consider granting.

July 23, 2006

He HAS forgiven her, I assume you've not read his whole thread BH. Give the guy a break, I mean everything he thought was HIS, isn't anymore. His wife? Having a baby with another man. Only 17 months after the accident. Read the whole thread, unless I'm missing something, CO123 seems like a very strong person. Considering all that he's been through, he's holding up as well as can be expected.

I think you're stressed out because you convinced yourself that she considered you 'replaceable' and rejected you. You have to stop upsetting yourself by thinking this way. When are you scheduled to meet?

Her actions have made him feel this way.

July 23, 2006

As you grow older and want forgiveness yourself, and you will, it will do you good to look back on this and remember what you weren't willing to even consider granting.

CarryingOn, forgiveness is something that you do for yourself, not for her. You will carry the pain and hurt inside you until you can truly forgive. I'm not saying you should be able to do that instantly...all this is so recent for you...I'm just saying that your load will lighten once you are able to forgive her. That's why I keep harping on the need for you to speak to a professional psychiatrist during this healing time. Talking to freinds and family is wonderful, but they aren't equipped to help you find your way through this; they can only support you as you do.

July 23, 2006

Here the baby would be a symbol of how she replaced me. Of me feeling like someone who is convenient to have around, but is also dispensable. I would feel worthless.

If she had 'replaced' you, she wouldn't be talking to you now would she?

Be honest with her, don't hold back anything, be respectful and work to understand her POV. Anything you hold back now will just come back later and bite you harder.

July 23, 2006

Most of you guys, eventhough you are giving great rational advice, are assuming that I am emotionally vulnerable and making decisions in a state of emotional instability. Let me assure you that this is not the case. I am having a very rational and emotionally detatched approach to the situation.

...I am not seeing a professional to talk, if thats what you mean, but I am talking to a lot of people including my family, and of course you guys.

I really dont know what to do. I was feeling calm, but now that I have to meet her. I am highly stressed out. I am feeling blue. It is so painful. I dont have any appetite. I threw up twice today.

...in the long run, I believe you will need to let yourself experience the pain, the anger, the grief and loss, because if you just stuff it down inside, it will eat you up in other ways, and it will come out eventually, whether it leaks out slowly all over everything in your life, or bursts out in a big nasty flood.

CarryingOn - please consider seeing someone professionally to start to deal with this, perhaps even before you talk to your wife. As long as you refused to talk to your wife, you could avoid the emotional issues, store away your loss and grief, think of your wife as an emotionless woman who failed to meet your standards, and maintain a facade that you were being rational and emotionally detached, but like I say above, whether it is triggered by the notion of talking to your wife, or whether it comes out somehow later, this is all in there, and in the long run, it's not going to do you any good to stuff it down and avoid meeting it head on.

My guess is that it isn't strictly having to talk to your wife that is causing you this anguish, but that the idea of talking to her is a trigger that tears down the protection that has helped you avoid confronting all the brutal realities of this situation - that you really are deeply grieving the loss of your previous life, that your wife made a choice you don't understand or agree with, and perhaps hardest to accept, that your wife is human, fallible, and probably carrying a significant load of guilt and pain herself. Much easier to think of her as completely different character - the icy, uncaring woman who "replaced" you and is happily living in her "cozy little relationship" - than to have to reconcile her choices with the person you thought her to be before. Believe me, I understand this from personal experience.

You may not consider yourself the "counseling type" (I didn't think I was either), you may think that seeking help indicates you are weak, or there may just be such a stigma associated with it that you can't get past that. Well, I'm telling you: get past that; go find someone, and use them as a tool to explore this. The solution is not to stuff it back inside, put the pressure cap back on, and continue through life avoiding anything that would loosen your tight hold on that lid.

This has been a huge, brutal change in your life, in a cruelly short period. I think this has been a bigger trauma than you are able to process just yet, and I think your body is trying to tell you something... Your family is loving and supportive and that's important. We here on LS are a different kind resource, from sympathetic support to intellectual challenge, you'll get a good, broad range of responses to consider. But neither is a substitute for sitting down face to face with a professional who can work directly with you. Give yourself that gift; equip yourself with that tool.

July 23, 2006

No one here says that you have to stay married to her. No, she wasn't raped, she WILLINGLY did what she did, and you may need to confront her on that issue. And I disagree how some people say "It JUST happened", RIIIGHT! You weren't dead, she should have waited. You need to confront her in the right way about all of this, and she needs to realize that this is all HER fault about the affair. By the way I hope you're getting a good lawyer, like I say she shouldn't get the house with other man living there too. SOOOOO WRONG!

July 23, 2006

17 months might be a LONG TIME to be in a COMA, but it is a short time to wait for someone you love.

You are suffering in the hospital and she goes on month cruises with some guy? Sorry, but I would not want my lover to give up hope on me. Sickening.. the whole bit.

July 23, 2006

CarryingOn, I don't think you understand the law. Granted, this is an unusual case, but in the US a married man is the presumptive father of his wife's children in most or all of the 50 states. The biological father can attempt to rebut the presumption, but rarely is successful, particularly without the mother's cooperation. In fact, you may find yourself to be the legal father even if you do nothing. If the baby is born and you welcome it into your home, then you may become the conclusively presumed legal father without recourse. You would then have all the right and responsibilities of parentage. That's counter-intuitive, AND it is also the law.

Sure, but due to extenuating circumstances being that this man was in a COMA for 17 months, it is impossible that he inseminated her! All the biological father would have to do is show how long he's been in the hospital to "rebut" it.

I don't know if it even matters, because who knows how he wants to handle this situation.

July 23, 2006

CO123, you are very strong.

But...it's ok to grieve. You have lost 17 months, a wife, and dreams you had of future with her. Grieving doesn't make you weak - your life will not fall into smithereens because you let the sadness out. In fact, your stoicism worries me - often, when you push down feelings, they will intensely erupt in the future. Better diffuse early.

Talking to family is great - but there is a huge difference between a professional therapist and friends/family. It's like going to the gym to train with a buddy vs. a certified trainer.

July 23, 2006

A year and a half can seem like eternity. People go nuts when they go NC for a couple of weeks. It's SO easy to think you'd be ok sitting for five hundred and ten long days looking at someone you love appear to be gone forever. Not at all that easy to do.

July 23, 2006

A year and a half can seem like eternity. People go nuts when they go NC for a couple of weeks. It's SO easy to think you'd be ok sitting for five hundred and ten long days looking at someone you love appear to be gone forever. Not at all that easy to do.

She started seeing a new person before 365 days were up and her husband suffering in a hospital bed. There are WIDOWS who wait much longer, if ever remarrying again. This guy was not even dead yet.

July 23, 2006

Well, riding, you sit by a sickbed for a year and then get back to me

July 23, 2006

She started seeing a new person before 365 days were up and her husband suffering in a hospital bed. There are WIDOWS who wait much longer, if ever remarrying again. This guy was not even dead yet.

She has UNPROTECTED sex with another man while this guy was in the hospital. He gave up his life to save hers and this is the thanks he gets? - His wife lets another man cum inside her and films dirty sex tapes with him--- doesn't sound much like a grieving wife to me. She was trying to pull a divorce before he woke up, which I don't even know is possible since that guy in florida was never able to get one when his wife was in a coma. 12 months? I've known people who waited longer after marriages to date again.

And to think she moved ALL OF HUSBANDS things out of his room to make room for the new boyfriend. IT IS DISGUSTING!!!! Not even leave a room to him for remembrance for a little while, just gets all of his stuff out of there.

I'm sorry, but the "love" between husband and wife will never come close to the selfless love between a person and their child. I don't even know if it exists.

July 23, 2006

Well, riding, you sit by a sickbed for a year and then get back to me

I have! And for much longer than that.

Selfish ignoramuses.. go get laid while your husband is dying in a hospital bed after he saved your life... STFU!

July 23, 2006

You cannot live inside someone else's head. EVERYBODY processes grief differently. It is totally unfair to decide that your way is the only right way to deal with a bad situation. TOTALLY.

July 23, 2006

Whether you like it or not, your wife chose to move on. She gave up on you. Yes, by moving on, that is what she did. Therefore, let her stick to that decision and move on. Someone mentioned that at 8 months she was probably already dating. Is this the type of woman you want? Could you handle the fact that she is the type of person who would pull this again if situations were to repeat itself? In such a situation, you need strength. You get that strength many times from support, such as support from family and spouses. She wasn't there for you. She was making sex tapes and taking trips while you were laying there struggling to come out of a coma.

I do not feel sorry for her in the slightest. Instead of handling her grief, if there was much to begin with, she threw her love out there for another man to get over you quicker. I guess that's one way to deal with it. But that is the same route a person who has no feelings for someone whatsoever would choose.

Now it is your choice. Do you listen to her or do you move on? What would you do if you were in her shoes? Do you think you would have dated, knocked someone up already and be engaged?

Truth is that they never said you were braindead! They never said you would not come out of the coma! You were NOT braindead! She still gave up on you and rather quickly too! In fact, we don't even know how quickly!

July 23, 2006

co123- Whatever happens in the end, I wish you happiness, truly.

July 24, 2006

People make this judgement far too hastily, IMHO. I think they think they'd be saints given the same situation. I'd love to caution all these oh-so-indignant people that none of us knows how they'd react in a situation like this. So don't be so high-falutin' because if it were you, you might bail even faster.

People are tremendously strong and courageous in theory, but when life smacks them in the gob, their reactions may surprise even them.

So before you judge this lady, you try being in the exact situation.

I'm just, as they say, sayin'

Bravo! This is what I said as well earlier in the thread.

My actions have sure surprised me in the past!

July 24, 2006

Whether you like it or not, your wife chose to move on. She gave up on you. Yes, by moving on, that is what she did. Therefore, let her stick to that decision and move on. Someone mentioned that at 8 months she was probably already dating. Is this the type of woman you want? Could you handle the fact that she is the type of person who would pull this again if situations were to repeat itself? In such a situation, you need strength. You get that strength many times from support, such as support from family and spouses. She wasn't there for you. She was making sex tapes and taking trips while you were laying there struggling to come out of a coma.

I do not feel sorry for her in the slightest. Instead of handling her grief, if there was much to begin with, she threw her love out there for another man to get over you quicker. I guess that's one way to deal with it. But that is the same route a person who has no feelings for someone whatsoever would choose.

Now it is your choice. Do you listen to her or do you move on? What would you do if you were in her shoes? Do you think you would have dated, knocked someone up already and be engaged?
Truth is that they never said you were braindead! They never said you would not come out of the coma! You were NOT braindead! She still gave up on you and rather quickly too! In fact, we don't even know how quickly!

Ask HER, If the roles were reversed how and what would she feel?

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