does getting involved in activities to reinvent yourself become counterproductive?

[bonny doon]

you know how when you are in the pits of depression after being dumped, people tell you to stop wallowing in your grief ad nauseum and go out there, exercise, take up a new hobby, do some activities, enjoy making and meeting friends?????????

 

Does it ever become counterproductive? I feel as though I've done exactly those things but it's gotten to the point where sports/activities/friends have become a pacifier for me, a way for me to avoid pain and reality. and let it be known that i did give myself time to grieve. but my over-involvement or over-extending myself with work, activities, friends, travel ... it's become a form of escapism??

 

when i find myself with nothing to do one day (lets say my plans to go play some sports with my friend gets cancelled and no one wants to go to a particular show with me, and i'm too tired to go for a run.) i get anxiety attacks.

 

so rewind about a year, year and a half ago. i've just been dumped. i'm devastated. thoughts of suicide. i lose a ****load of weight. i can't sleep. i feel so worthless and awful. i wish i had the guts to take a gun to my head. it takes me some time but i eventually realize i'm better than this. i reinvent myself.

 

i explore activities that i've always wanted to do since childhood: e.g. i learn to ride a motorcycle, i take my music (longtime passion) to a higher level and begin to perform in front of people at open mics and write new songs, i become religious about participating in sports to cultivate my skills and stay in good physical shape. i feel great after every workout. i work hard at making a network of friends (pre-breakup, it was all one on one time with the ex). i plan and organize trips to interesting places with my friends, whether it be camping or otherwise. i generally have a blast. it's fulfilling. i feel pretty good ... most of the time...

 

fast-foward to today. i didn't go out and do the myriad of activities i had planned. partly because i was tired and exhausted from said activities, partly because people cancelled on me. instead i spend the morning cleaning up the apartment. it takes a long time. now i'm at work trying to catch up with my stuff. but i'm so depressed. i broke down and sobbed for an hour today.

 

what is wrong with me? am i so F##ked up that i follow a billion pursuits and the moment i don't have something to do it hits me and i am depressed? god i am embarrassed even typing this... i need some counseling and/or medication. i've been to counseling before and i think i need to go again. it doesn't help that i am also PMS'ing.

 

it doesn't help that i have some intense feelings of loneliness for male attention, physical contact, cuddling, etc. lately it seems that i've been at the end of a long string of being somewhat "rejected" by guys and these tend to really get me down. after each pseudo rejection i tend to go into a mild tailspin for several days, the pain is intense. then i come back, slowly. i think i am having trouble adjusting to being single, even though it's been a long time.

 

even though i am single, i am used to always having at least one or two romantic interests on the burner to satisfy my need for physical closeness -- that is, until they "reject" me. i guess right now, with no one on the burner, i feel pretty sad. i try to focus on the positive, but i guess maybe i need some medication or somethng because i'm trying to focus on the positive but i .... still feel sad. i repeat all the good things i have going for me like a mantra, but instaed i feel emptyy. and i'm really embarrassed to be typing this.

[jorgeajorge73]

I know how difficult it is to continue your life after a relationship has come to an end. After breaking up with my ex. I went through some depression-on the same token, I kept myself busy. Next thing I know, I run into her ex best friend at a bookstore (Reading being an activity of mine). Through that lost opportunities have open for me, I've been talking to her ex best friend and we have had dinner on two occasions and she's studing to become a lawyer. I'm pretty sure that your ex has many friends that most likely had an interest in you.

 

For the time being I keep myself busy and occupied (Hitting the gym and taking a kick boxing class). Like you, I yearn for that affection, touching and so forth. I want it so bad but if I seek it, I know that I will be hurting someone else and myself included (About a month ago, I hooked up with an ex coworker and now we don't talk. She became to pushy). I'm just not ready to begin investing my emotions with someone else at this point. It's only been three months.

 

Now, you've indicated that you've been doing many things-I'm sure that someone has caught your eye or likewise. You have to stop feeling down about yourself, it seems that the world has come crushing down on you and your helpless. Depression can have a major impact in our lives and I have experienced that (If you need meds, don't be ashame about it because it's only going to help you). No one knows you better than yourself, lift yourself up, take a deep breath, and losen up!! If a guy rejects you, the hell with him. Life is about trials. We are bound to lose some and win some.

 

It seems that you've been on a drought. Now, what are you seeking: Love, Affection, Physical needs, comfort, companionship. What? It seems that you have many friends. One of those friends is bound to give you what you need. Mr. right is before you and you just don't know it.

 

To answer your question, no it does not become counterproductive. Just last night while being at Denny's after work, which is one of my activities, reading and writing in my journal. I ran into a former foster parent that I worked with. She's going to introduce me to one of her girlfriends. In esence, I'm meeting people. Through your friends your bound to find him. Keep those activities alive, but avoid the ones that exhuast you.

 

I hope that this helps...

[bonny doon]

thanks so much for your words of advice. i am indeed at a drought/low point. i don't know how people function being single (technically i've been single for over a year now, but as i said, i was getting some kind of attention or another, even if it was from jerks).

 

i am sorry to hear your breakup was 3 months ago. sounds like you're doing good things, reading is good and so is kick boxing. i'm glad to hear you are keeping your chin up.

 

thanks for the words of encouragement, they do help me feel better. i think it's one of those "fake it till you make it" types of things.

[jorgeajorge73]

I know that sometimes after a break up we try to seek some else to fill that void. With my ex-ex-girlfriend of 9 years. It was somewhat difficult to adjust. I remained single for over a year. So, more or less you're on the right path. I feel that you have given yourself enough time to get know yourself once again. Remember, you need to know what your seeking. Do you need someone to fill that void and looking for Mr. right now or seeking Mr. forever.

 

Look at it like this, are you going to be renting, leasing, or buying. You know the kind of man your looking for. Perhaps you should try one of those internet dating things or tap into a Christian website. I met a great gal over a Christian website and we've become friends. But I know that I'm not ready to committ to anything. This is why I'm making friends, hoping that one of them will be Ms. right. So I'm sure that you have plenty of male friends, now it's up to you to choose the one who you feel is right for you. It's about spending time together and getting to know each other.

 

A book that helped me after my first break up is entitled "Mars and Venus on a date", the five stages of dating. Give it a try and see if it's something for you. My second relationship was a mistake, I gave to much and got little in return. A piece of advise, when a man takes you out for dinner, dancing, walking or what have you. You're not entitled to give him anything in return. Let him pursue you, let him learn to love you. If you give in to quickly then the conquest is over. Another thing, little things matter the most. It's not the things he buys you, it's not the expensive dinners, or what have you.

 

It's about a poem that tells you how much he loves you. It's about a flower in the middle of your bed, it's about how much he thinks of you, cooking for you, it's all about making you feel alive, inside and out. Sometimes we lose site of those little things and that's what makes a relationship die...Take your time, don't rush into something that you may regret in the long run.

 

Jorge...

[Teacher's Pet]

Ever since my breakup, I've tried to bury myself in activities, too.

 

I started working out more, which I have found to be a positive thing. I bike, lift, and swim, but I have noticed that for some reason, swimming has actually been a negative on my emotions.

 

It's odd. My ex and I never went swimming together, we have no connection to any sort of water activities. I guess the main part of my workout helps me clear my mind, but something about the water gives me a chance to reflect, and then I start feeling horrible again.

 

I know, I know, I'm a mess.

 

Just gotta "keep on keepin' on"!

 

-tp