kontiki Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Hello, I've been dating a girl for about 4 months now, shes 18 and on to her first year of college - heres her problem......and I think this is shared by many young girls, why of course is what I want to know So, about a month into our relationship she was visiting schools, and at one of them got drunk at an overnight thing and a kid stuck his hand up her shirt. I heard about when she got back - she told me and I wasn't mad at her at all I was just kind of surprised she let that happen in the first place. Secondly, she was at some party again and as a joke made out with some complete idiot whos never had any experience whatsoever apparently - while she was drunk of course......She didn't tell me about this until a couple months afterward, but she ended up telling me - again, I wasn't mad at all just really surprised.... Now.....she is one of those types who likes to let loose when she drinks, and promised me shed never do anything like that again and we have a really strong a meaningful relationship, this stuff doesnt bother me at all but my question is... why do girls who know they get crazy when they drink continue to do it and get themselves into situations where things like this can happen? And why dont they try to prevent it? I dont drink and she does, she enjoys it and wants the freedom to do it, and thats all fine with me - it just scares me that while at school it will happen again, and I know it will just make me upset if something more involved happens - and shes told me that all of what had happened obviously meant nothing to her etc., and I understand that. should I do anything? why do girls get themselves into these situations where they KNOW that things like this can happen? Do they like having all that attention? Am I over analyzing everything? This doesnt really bother me because nothing crazy happened either time, and although the fact that it DID happen exists I try to look at why it happened and the fact that it means nothing to her. It is reassuring that she told me in the first place, and the reason she held back the second incident was because she was afraid Id break up with her, so I'm glad she has a conscience but just wonder if theres anything I can say.... help me out ladies, where does that mindset come from?
lil_angel Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 it can come from a lot of places. why do girls continue to put themselves in risky situations like that, who knows. sometimes it's the attention, sometimes it's just the thrill of the rebellion and getting away w/ something, and despite what she tells you it could be that she just likes teh physical pleasure, and what better way to have both the courage and the excuse to get some random stuff on than getting drunk? having a drink or two, ok, going out to parties, ok, but does she have any idea how much shes playing w/ fire by getting that wasted and taunting guys by making out, letting them under her shirt, etc. one of these days someone's not going to stop when she wants them to, or maybe she'll be drunk enough that she hersefl may not stop where she intended. either way, bottom line, there could be any number of reasons why she does it, ever had a talk w/ her about how you feel/why does she do it/etc.?
lindya Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Secondly, she was at some party again and as a joke made out with some complete idiot... Oh dear...I've got a vague, cringe-inducing "I'm not as nice a person as I like to think" memory of doing something similar as a teenager. Any other ladies like to 'fess up on that one? Now.....she is one of those types who likes to let loose when she drinks How old is she again? shes 18 Ah. why do girls who know they get crazy when they drink continue to do it and get themselves into situations where things like this can happen? And why dont they try to prevent it? It's a kind of existentialist thing whereby you need to experience the fun and the inevitable fall out yourself before maturity can really start to set in. help me out ladies, where does that mindset come from? Could be a whole lot of things. Strict upbringing that she's temporarily breaking free from? Shy teenager using drink to make herself feel more comfortable at parties? Like you suggest - desire for attention, experimentation to figure out who she is...etc etc. 18 is, after all, pretty young. It's impossible to say where the mindset comes from, because it's not a thing young women buy in Boots/your local drugstore. Young guys do similar things. Actually, there are people in their 20s, 30s and even their 40s who get up to it....just take a scan through this site, and you'll find plenty of news from people who haven't grown out of it yet. It sounds as if you're slightly flummoxed, but pretty tolerant. My advice to you is that if you need to reassess this relationship...maybe taking it out of the "serious" box and putting it into the "fun and experimentation" box. For now at least. If her behaviour matures, you can reassess again. Whatever you do, try to avoid falling into some disapproving paternal role....do that, and you might well find yourself providing an uncool backdrop for her wild child ways. Presuming you're also pretty young, you probably don't want to find yourself lumped into a category like that.
bab Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I would be concerned about what her mindset will be now. I think that since she's "tested the waters" with you, and you haven't gotten upset, it will make it easier for her next time. In her drunken logic, you didn't get upset last time, so going only a little bit further won't matter. I agree with Lindya, this relationship shouldn't be in the serious category until she gets these wild times out of her system.
Walk Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I agree with the posters above. You also might want to discuss some safety measures she can take if she gets into a bad situation. (ie call you if she gets too drunk, or in a bad situation) You could try attempting to make your time together with her more exciting. Go bungee jumping, or travel or something. Still give the excitment, yet removes the alcohol and other men from the picture. Try to direct her need for new experiences into a healthier life style possible. If she wants to experiment with sex, then attempt to discover those things that she wants to try, and do them with her. etc. I don't think that will stop her behavior at parties, but it might curtail them some.
electric_sheep Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Interestly, I've been reading a book by a prominant and maverick pychologist whom's theory of addiction/alcohol goes totally against the grain (though seems much more common sensical ... to me, anyways) of the currently accepted model. He would say that your girlfriend behaves the way she does because of "alcohol expectancies", which are simply the expectations that people raised in a certain culture have about drinking and getting drunk. The idea that "losing control" is an inevitable consequence of getting drunk is very Western. People in other cultures may just shut up and become quiet for instance, or simply go off and sit under a tree or go to bed. Here in America we take our clothes off, have reckless sex, and use it as an excuse to do other things we are too repressed to do otherwise. We see it as a get out of jail free card.
Cecelius Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I have to ask who cares why she does it -- she does it (the only "why" that I think you need is that she's 18 and in college). You'll see variations on this from good and naughty girls alike. Do you seriously think that the stuff she tells you about is the only stuff that has gone on? The best course, I'm afraid, is to move your relationship back to the fun category, if you even stay in it, and make sure you use 40 types of protection.
j.carsey Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Virtually all young ladies do that kind of thing, from my groups of friends. Including my past girlfriends, my sister, respectable well educated ladies, everyone! I think it has to do with the intense insecurity of being a young woman, as well as extreme desire for attention, need to feel attractive. Plus foolishness and getting tricked by more experienced guys. The need for attention is one that persists for many years into the future. That's what leads women to be flirty when they have no intentions, sexy or flirty in inappropriate or dangerous circumstances, and allowing guys to "do" things to them. Also think of this, women are most physically attractive when younger. They know this, they know THIS is their time (teens-20s). The attention they get is genuine and the excitement they instill in men is also genuine. You know how even elderly gentleman will check out a cute teen girl in a mall, well that's the reality of human sexuality. Young girls are hot, and they play it up.
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