Sick of fighting

July 16, 2006

I haven't been here in awhile. Just to refresh everyone i found out my H cheated over a year ago. We tried to work things out numerous times but he failed miserably. He couldn't let go of the ow. This was an out of town affair(my h was working out of town)and the ow decided to move to our hometown. They are now living together.

The problem I am having is everytime he takes our 3 year old they are staying at her house. Law in my state says that is a big no no. He is been warned and just doesn't seem to listen. I am so sick of fighting this with him. I don't know if I am being over the top with this issue. It kills me inside that my child has anything to do with women especially sleeping at her house.

Am I being ridiculous?

July 17, 2006

No, not ridiculous-I think I would feel the same way.

You say it's a law in your state that he cannot do this. I have never heard of such a statute, but I'd be hauling his tush into court if this was not legit. You don't mention that you were divorced so I guess no formal arrangements have been made.

Can you tell him, " Since you failed miserably as a husband, I am appealing to your sense of decency as a father & this whole arrangement confuses our daughter. Would you just visit with her alone for awhile?"

July 17, 2006

Our divorce is final on July 27. This was agreed in our settlement but isn't in writing yet. I think that is why he feels he can get away with it. My H only sees our son 4 days a month and you are right he can't sacrifice his time with his gf to spend quality time with him.

July 17, 2006

You keep track of all that he does wrong. Your son should NOT be allowed to be there, sleeping over. That's just not fair to him...He's probably having his own saddness and feelings over the divorce, he doesn't need to be around them, seeing them together. No child does, especially under these circumstances. His priorities are NOT right, he isn't putting his child first.

Good luck and I really hope you're doing alright. Take care of you, and your son.

July 17, 2006

Hi, I don't think my advice will be without critics but here goes. I might add I do feel qualified to answer this because I have been in the same situation myself. It's almost impossible to bite your tongue and avoid telling your husband to keep your son away from the OW and passing judgement on his parenting skills and morals and trying to force him to do what's right.... BUT.... one thing that I have learned is that you cannot make someone be a good parent by telling them what to do or by threatening them with legal action or by any other method. You cannot make your husband see that he is neither using good judgement nor putting his child first. You will only create more animosity and tension and ugliness, and although you may have the moral high ground here - what good will it really do? Who will the added tension and ugliness hurt - them or your son? Right now he is likely incredibly confused and hurt, and wants everything back the way it was before you split. Since that isn't going to happen, be honest about recognizing that your husband seems intent on a relationship with this woman and it appears as such, she is going to be in your son's life. Period. You can either make it as pleasant and easy for your son as humanly possible, or you can add to his turmoil and hurt and make a stink about him being around her. No, it's not right, no, it's not fair, but in the end, your son will form his own opinions about things when he is old enough. THAT will be your reward, when he realizes you allowed him to have a relationship with his father even though the circumstances were hurtful to you. It's very, very hard to do but worth the end result. One thing that helps is reminding yourself that your child's love for you isn't diluted by their relationships with others and that, unfortunately, may include this woman. Oh, and I've also found that a punching bag to vent your frustrations tends to help as long as you take the picture of your ex off of it before your kids get back home!

July 18, 2006

Hmmmm Guest, you have written some very insightful things here in your post. Probably "better" than my advice earlier in the day. So hard to do though, although it sounds like you already know that, from experience.

July 18, 2006

If it's in your settlement agreement that your child won't be "shacking up" with OW like dear ole Dad... then I'd hold him to it. You have an absolute right to expect that your child be raised with the family values that YOU choose to honor. Your husband is being disrespectful to say the least. He's being an a*hole to say the most.

I bet he'd change his tune if you bogged down the final decree on his divorce with redtape. If he can't abide by the settlement that you've already agreed upon.... why should you?

Personally.... I'd be sleeping with his friends by now. (I'm just kidding... I wouldn't really do it, but I might toy with the idea of telling him I did!!! )

July 18, 2006

I have to say that I totally agree with the guest who wrote "the hardest thing to do". I can tell you that I was the OW in a situation where my husband was married. He saw me at a party and wanted me to go out with him, he said he and his wife were totally over, even though she was 6mo pregant with their 2nd child at the time. I was 19 and dumb, I refused to go out with him at first but then saw him a couple of times and I was just not really attracted to him at the time.

His wife at the time found out from his best friend and started stalking me. I honestly thought he was a geek at the time, anyway I did not run into him for about 3 years or so and he was already divorced for 1 1/2 years by then. We started dating then, and his ex was livid. She caused so many problems, calling in the middle of the night and hanging up, putting rubbing alcohol in my contact solution when she dropped the kids off, slamming the phone in my ear, walking into his house unannounced while I was there, not letting him see the kids. She started taking him to court every 6 mo to try and increase the child support. With all of this going on, he and I became closer and closer, trying to work through these problems she caused for us. He began to resent her more and more, but stuck to his guns and was nice to her everyday, he never said one nasty thing to her the whole time.

I do not condone what he did to her in the past, but my husband and I have been together for 10 years now, and he does feel shame for his actions to her while they were married. At the time she was a stripper alcoholic, and I was a 4.0 college student. He somehow justified his actions at the time based on this. He wanted to make her be a better person and get an education, but she wouldn't. She would not stop what she was doing, anyway, looking back on all this I see that who really suffered was her for not letting go and being civil, and the kids for not being able to be raised by their father. We did not suffer, we were blissful no matter what happened. Unless the child's father is in prison for some horrible crime, don't make him out to be the bad guy. The children are 1/2 you and 1/2 their dad. They will eventually think there is something wrong with them and that they are not good people because the other 1/2 of them is a bad person just like their dad.

Now being on the other end, I wrote a thread here about my husband having an EA with another woman. I did not know about this for more than a year. When I did find out, I was enraged and lost my F*%#$ mind. I had these thoughts that I could never let another woman be around my 3 year old child, and I wanted to leave the state and never let my husband see our child again. I began leaving the house when he would come home so he could not see him. I became so completely irrational, but all I did and said felt right because I was so angry and hurt. For the first time in 10 years I could finally see what his ex was going through, and for the first time I felt her pain.

We are now closer than we have ever been before, and looking back, I can see that I went insane at the time. Fortunately he wants me and not the OW in the EA.

See, it is so easy to tell someone what they should or shouldn't do when you are thinking from a rational objective point of view, but when it is YOU that is going through the emotional roller coaster it is a whole different situation.

May I suggest you go to councelling by yourself and get some relief from your pain. I have gone, and have also done alot of reading about affairs and relationships. This has helped me tremendously. I hope this has given you some insight and I hope you make it through this in the best way possible, I know you will do the best you can.

July 18, 2006

I have completley accepted that my child will be around this women, that is not the issue. The issue is what my son is being exposed to. I don't feel this way because I am spiteful, it is just something i feel very strong about. I want our son to be raised with good values and morals and unfortunately my H doesn't have a moral bone in his body.

Oh, the icing on the cake to this story is that my H has changed the OW's name for my son. He was using a mans name thinking I wouldn't catch on. now after a couple months he has told my son her real name and he is completely confused. These are the consequences to his complete lack of morals.

Right or wrong I will fight this one till the end.

July 18, 2006

.....looking back on all this I see that who really suffered was her for not letting go and being civil, and the kids for not being able to be raised by their father.

I think your situation and Sickinside's are quite a bit different. Her STBX isn't really a nice guy. When you read through her previous posts, he's apparently an alcoholic who has already effectively abandoned his other two children. Last month, he had her 3-year old sleeping in the same bed with him and his OW.

Clearly, he's NOT focused on the best interest of his son. Even at the age of 3, the child already knows that's not his Mommy in bed with Daddy.

This lady has a right to protect her child, and sure.... there's some emotional outrage on her part, but if you set that aside, what this guy is doing is still WRONG. If she was hiring a nanny, she'd probably get references and maybe even do a background check. What she ALREADY knows about her STBX is that he drinks to the point of poor judgement and prioritizes himself before doing what is emotionally healthy for his kid. What she ALREADY knows about OW is that she doesn't seem to mind sleeping with married men.

Personally, I would have a problem with that. My goal in raising my own children is to impart certain moral values to them. I want them to be honest and responsible citizens. And I'm going to do my utter best to TEACH them as I have been taught.

While I agree that presenting her STBX and his OW with a target for their frustrations might help to fuel their affair, providing them with unity in the face of a common 'foe'.... I think there's value to be had in standing her ground. The divorce isn't even final yet and he's already pushing her around. If she doesn't stand up for herself and her child now.... when exactly should she start?

July 18, 2006

Ladyjane, thank you for that.

As you said all i want to do is protect my child.

Lawrence angel, I understand this is an open forum but i have hard time respecting your opinions. We are talking about morals and your track record doesn't sound good. You were the OW. Stripper alcholic or full blown crackhead ,there in my opinion is no good excuse for an affair. There is a thing called divorce to remedy those problems. I don't want to sound nasty but i have a hard time understanding the thrill of being with a married man, especially one with marital problems. I sounds like "what goes around comes around"

July 18, 2006

Dear sickinside, I guess I should have read your whole story to get a better understanding of what was happening. As I said in my story, my husband told me their relationship was over, so I did not know if they were divorced or going through a divorce at the time, he was lying to me to try and get me to go out with him. This was not an affair to me because they were not living together and I thought they had both moved on. So what goes around, comes around does not apply to me. Often the cheater lyes to get the other person to go out with them, it is only after the affair starts that they find out the person is still attached. The women who step into an affair knowing full well that the person is married are the ones who go looking for trouble.

July 18, 2006

My idea of a relationship being over is final divorce papers in hand. Maybe i am old fashion at 30 but I haven't thought about being with someone else.

Lawrence, what I meant about what goes around comes around is your H EA. Do you have a hard time trusting him after what he did to his ex? The only reason i ask is because my H cheated on his ex-wife(not with me)and I never believed it would happen to me. I am sure the OW thinks she is the chosen one just as i did

July 18, 2006

Just a update. Spoke with my lawyer and we exploring no overnight visitation. I hate to do this but H just won't listen.

July 18, 2006

Good. There is NO reason why a 3 year old child should be away from his mother, and spending time with the OW right now. Especially sleeping in their bed..That's just so so wrong!

Eventually your H will understand you're doing this because you want what is best for your son. He'll get that you're not doing this out of spite to piss him off or punish him. Honestly, what you're asking is not unreasonable at all.

Your H is selfish and NOT putting his child's needs first. That much is obvious!

July 18, 2006

Hopefully a no overnight clause will eliminate this problem. I agree with WWIU about not seeing any reason why a 3 year old child must sleep over, anyhow. The father can still be a father without that.

BTW..in my first post on this thread, I have no idea why I naturally assumed you had a daughter. I come from a "girl" family, I guess.

July 18, 2006

Thanks for the support. I feel like this is an uphill battle. I cringe everytime my son goes, and I hate having to question him where he is sleeping.

Just funny note, my son and I were going out yesterday. We passed by a local bar and he proceeds to say"mommy that is where ow goes when I come home with daddy" The loser drops his gf off at the corner when he brings our son home. What is the saying "out of the mouths of babes"?

Amazing how true it is!

July 18, 2006

Make sure you Lawyer knows this. Your son is aware of what's going on around him. That's a good thing, and it's honest. ... Kids are so honest and blunt eh?

July 18, 2006

My lawyer is aware of all of this. My fear is that when we get in front of the judge I am going to be laughed out of court. I don't wnat to look like the scorned wife that is causing trouble.

His attorney also knows this one of our agreements. I feel like my last court date on 7/27 is my last chance(this is when our divorce is supposed to be final). I don't want to have to drag him into court every other weekend and quite honestly don't have the money to do this

July 20, 2006

It sounds to me like you are an extremely scorned ex who will do anything to cause trouble between you and your ex so he will PAY for what he did to you. Do you really think a 3 year old knows anything that is really going on? They only know what YOU put into their heads! It has been proven that whenchildren of that age get punished, they quickly forget about it and move on smiling and playing as usual, they do not have the emotional capabilities of an adult, they do not understand anything about people sleeping in the same bed. Generally speaking, most human beings only remember fragments of life starting at age 3-4 yrs of age. Do you honestly think you are going to try and show a 3 year old that their father is a bad person for sleeping in the same bed with the woman he is having an affair with? It appears you are associating a bed with sex.

Would it be okay for them to lay on the couch and watch TV together? What is going to happen a year from now when they are married and your child is sleeping over at their house? Are you still going to interrogate her about her sleeping arrangements?? Did you sleep with your husband before you were married? UH yep you did, what kind of morals are you showing your child from this action? UH none because she does not have to know about that, and she also does not need you interogating her about her sleep overs with dad. You have no rights here unless there becomes some radical law that says affairs are illegal and punishable by law. That would be great and a wonderful deterent, but it is not the case.

What kind of person do you think you are marrying an alcoholic and having a child with him anyway, knowing he has other children he has left behind. Does this show you have great values and morals? Your lying to yourself and others if you think you have accepted the other woman, this obviously eats you up inside. Get over it, you can't change him and you have a responsibility to share this child you chose to have with him. Also there is no law that says the other woman can' t go to a bar.

He is not sacrificing his time with your child to be with this other woman, they are playing dad and step-mommy roles and having a blast doing it, that is what eats you up inside. Give it up, the guy is an A hole, you made the choice to have a child with this man, so deal with it. Your only going to create more problems for yourself. You need to focus on healing yourself and being happy with who you are then worrying about this other pitily crap that you are creating in your angry mind. Get a hobby, do something, get off this website and get your life back together.

July 20, 2006

You must be an OW. I am not even going to respond to your bs. I will stand by what feel and I don't believe you have any right to question my morals. And by the wat I am not an ex,we are still married. Keep you negative s**t to yourself

July 20, 2006

My lawyer is aware of all of this. My fear is that when we get in front of the judge I am going to be laughed out of court. I don't wnat to look like the scorned wife that is causing trouble.
His attorney also knows this one of our agreements. I feel like my last court date on 7/27 is my last chance(this is when our divorce is supposed to be final). I don't want to have to drag him into court every other weekend and quite honestly don't have the money to do this

You know you aren't the scorned wife. Your actions don't show this. Your actions show the concern and welfare of your child. The courts WILL see this as will the Judge. Try not to stress out too much, k. 3 year olds need both of their parents and honestly, the OW should slowly be introduced into your child's life...Just not sleepover's yet. I'm sure that noone is going to argue this...

Your soon to be EX is going to show his true colours, probably in court, so all you have to do is make sure you only focus on your son.

July 20, 2006

Guest,

I replied to your post without even reading completley what you wrote. Where did you get your degree in psychology? What is your background as far as affairs go? Do you have children of your own?Why are you on this forum? And last but not least why do you sign in as a guest?

Peolpe come to this forum for support and help not negativity. It is one thing to express your opinion but it is quite another to be just plain nasty.

I hope you post again so I can understand your expertise on these issues and why exactly you are on this forum

July 20, 2006

wwis,

Thanks for that. It is nice to hear something positive after the guests string of bs.

July 20, 2006

Have you consulted with a child psychologist, btw? I'm thinking that an hour spent interviewing one will go a long way toward supporting your case.

In my personal experience, I've found 3-year olds to be cognitive of the people around them. They're leaving babyhood behind and beginning to learn social skills. They aren't absent of awareness, as some folks might believe.

There are books on the market that deal with co-parenting, so you might also check out the bookstore or library and read a few. The more prepared you are.... the better.

I would also recommend that you start a journal, if you haven't already. Bear in mind that you want to use it primarily for documenting your parenting skills as well as your husband's absence of same. You want it to be informational rather than emotional, and you'll want to handwrite your entries in ink rather than type them into a computerized log.

Your journal will show that there's a routine for your little guy. And it'll show the new stuff he's learning (shapes, colors, etc.) as well as the activities he's engaged in (preschool, crafts, beginning swimming, etc). Your journal will show that he doesn't live like some kind of vagabond, flopping wherever he happens to be for the night. He has structure..... very important for a little guy his age.

Your journal will reflect that YOU prioritize the needs of your child, rather than "playing" at being a parent.

If you have any contact information, you might even consider talking to the mother of his other two children to see if she'll provide you an affidavit attesting to the results of your STBX's parenting. What effect has his self-centered behavior and absenteeism had on them? The child psychologist could probably help you to format your questionairre.

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