sunshine44 Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 i'm 23 and my husband is 30. we've been married for a year in october. before we were married, i caught him on escort services online and talking to these women through messengers. i confronted him and he swore that he didn't do it... needless to say, two years later i have found out that it really was him that did it. he knew how upset i was about it. after we got engaged, i found out that he was emailing another one of these women. i, once again, confronted him about it and he confessed. he said that it would never happen again and that it was just a "bad habit" that he got into with his buddies. as a sidenote, these escort services are local to where we live. unfortunately, i went against my instincts and married him, thinking that he would change. yes, i know, BIG MISTAKE. recently, we re-evaluated our relationship and thought about separating. things started to seem better, so we never went through with it. during those conversations, i let him know that i had some trust issues because of the past. he swore to me that he never looked at these sites after we were married. WRONG. gut instinct told me to look on his computer and, lo and behold, he was on them the MONTH after we were married. after i found this out, i asked him to move out. now he is trying to beg my forgiveness and telling me how much he loves me. he says that he took me for granted and that he's going to work on himself. since then, he got drunk and told me that, while he was drunk, he started to type in the websites again, but stopped because he knew it hurt me. is it wrong that i have no faith in the relationship anymore? he has obviously lied to me on more than one occassion and i feel that i can't trust him anymore. any help would be greatly appreciated.
sickinside Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Sunshine I am really sorry to hear what you are going through. You need to trust you instincts. You are not wrong to feel you have no faith. Lies and deceit are a very hard way to start a marriage. It is also hard to gain back trust that has been broken. Do you think this is only a internet thing or do you suspect anything else? What is happening right now in relationship?
Author sunshine44 Posted July 17, 2006 Author Posted July 17, 2006 unfortunately, i cannot say that i totally believe him when he says that he had no intention of cheating and that he never cheated on me. he promised and insisted on so many things (that turned out to be lies), that it's extremely hard to believe anything he says. when i caught him the second time with the emails, i wondered what would have happened if i never would have caught him. the woman only lived 20 minutes away. i've come to the point where i don't even feel love anymore. i question everything the he tells me because i have caught him in so many lies. i'm a very trusting person, which can work for me or against me. in this case, it worked against me. we have no children and no house (lived in an apartment). i hate to just "give up" on something, especially marriage because i have always had faith in marriage. but, i feel like i'll always be wondering if he's telling the truth, if he's talking to these women online, etc. i just don't think it's fair for me to live that way for the rest of my life.
sickinside Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Iknow it is hard to think about giving up on a marriage. I have been struggling with it for over a year with a 3 year old son. Living with lies is not fair. Why should you live with that doubt everyday? I just don't want to see it eat you up inside. Have you talked about counseling at all? does he seem like he wants to get help?
Author sunshine44 Posted July 17, 2006 Author Posted July 17, 2006 i'm not even sure i want to spend the time or money. i'm just happy this happened now and not ten years from now.
norajane Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 i'm not even sure i want to spend the time or money. i'm just happy this happened now and not ten years from now. Well, what if he has an addiction that can be helped? Don't you even care enough about him and your wedding vows to try? What if you had been in a car accident and got addicted to pain pills and kept promising to stop but kept taking them? Would you want him to just dump you or would you want him to help you through it along with some professional help? I'm sorry I'm being harsh, but it really pisses me off when people get married with no understanding of what commitment means. There was something about this man that you loved less than a year ago - isn't that important enough to fight for just a teeny tiny bit?
Author sunshine44 Posted July 17, 2006 Author Posted July 17, 2006 oh, i have every understanding of what it means to be committed. i haven't posted every issue that we have in this marriage. for instance, the fact that he feels the marriage was rushed (even though we spent 9 months planning it and he DID go down on his knee to propose), the fact that he feels that we would have been broken up a while ago if we wouldn't have gotten married... the fact that he responds to anything negative by either getting defensive or getting drunk. my level of committment showed when i stayed with him through the first and second time that he did this online stuff. it's one thing to have an addiction, but it's another to lie about it. i don't lie to my husband. it's disrepectful. i can also bring up the fact that i've been supporting him for the past three years. i pay all of the bills because he owns a restaurant and "claims" that he doesn't make any money. so, with the background that i've given... i would think that it's understandable that i don't have much faith.
norajane Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 With that background, it sounds like this is the last straw on a huge pile of straws that have been building over the years. As you've learned, you can't change people, so unless he's willing to get some counseling with you to deal with all these other issues you two have as well as the online stuff - and you are willing to try along with him - this marriage sounds dead in the water, IMO. Good luck to you whatever you choose to do.
stillafool Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Wow Sunshine. Thank God you don't have kids and a mortgage. I certainly don't like to advise a w to leave her h so I would definitely get in to counseling for this problem. He needs it as it sounds like he's addicted. If you feel the money would be a waste maybe a separation would shake him up and make him get counseling on his own to get you back. I don't understand - he calls an escort service and the prostitutes are nearby? I've never heard of this. How stupid and naive am I? Do you live in a large city?
RecoverMe Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 I agree with trusting your gut instincts. Better now than later on with kids and other major things to consider. I know it's hard b/c you love him, but he sounds emotionally less mature than you are right now, and maybe he does need space to work on himself and you need space to honor yourself and your true feelings. My husbands lies really hurt me too and I honestly think he doesn't think he's lying, that he is also trying to convince himself that he didn't make all those phone calls. I don't know if lyers can change? But do you want to live always wondering?
Recommended Posts