bluegal79 Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 I have been feeling pretty sad today. Here is my story... it is long! I was dumped 6 weeks ago on our anniversary by my fiance through an email sent by his mother. We were together 2 years. He is 26 and I am 27. We were best friends and shared many common interests and had started to plan our future and our wedding. We had gone through rocky periods in our relationship and had been going to couples counseling for 9 months. Early in our relationship, he cheated on me and admitted it to me a few weeks later one day out of the blue. I broke up with him at the time because I was devasated for the betrayal of trust. He begged me to give him another chance and cried and promised he would never do it again and he would go to individual counseling to work on himself and he wanted us to go to couples counseling to heal the relationship. We started therapy and things started to get better and we got back together. One of the main issues we had in our relationship was the fact that he lived with his parents and they were not respectful of our relationship. They were very intrusive and always wanted to know what was going on in our relationship so they could "give us words of wisdom." He told them that they needed to respect our privacy and the fact that we were adults. His parents started to act rudely towards me because they said that their daughter and her boyfriend loved to spend all their free time with them and they couldn't understand why we limited our visits with them to an occasional dinner every few weeks. His father had acted very inappropriate to me over the holidays. I had gone to their house with my bf to drop off a present and as we were leaving, the father all of a sudden corned me and started to yell at me by telling me that I needed to be very clear that he and his wife would do anything to defend their son and they needed to be sure I understood that. He was balling up his fists the whole time he was talking and was shaking and his face was red. This happened out of the blue. His son was being held back by his mom who was saying "Just let your dad say what he has to say." We left and of course I was very upset in the car and told him that I could date him anymore because his father was abusive and he did nothing to defend me or stop his father. He was very upset and crying and told me he was scared of his father also because his dad had a very bad temper when he was growing up. He called his dad and asked him why he did something so inappropriate and because of his actions he was losing me and would never forgive his father. His father was so calm on the phone( he was on speakerphone) saying that he didn't see what was so upsetting about what he said.My bf told them he was going to move out of their house and move in with me.When he said that, that prompted a "sorry for the behavior, won't happen again" to me and a "son, please don't move out, you stay with her whenever you want, but please don't move out permanently" to him from both the father and his tearful mother. We made an appointment to see our therapist the next day and she told us that his father was extremely out of line and the son needed to "grow up" and stand up for me. She told us she felt his family was threatened by me and in order to make our relationship work, he would have to enforce very strict boundaries with his parents so they would respect me and our relationship. Since the ex's sister is bipolar, the therapist wondered if perhaps the father didn't have an undiagnosed mental illiness also. Also, there was the issue that my ex had a brother die 6 years ago as a result of a car accident in which he was the driver. She felt the family was trying to hold on or "protect" their adult children in an unhealthy manner as a result of that tragic incident to not "lose" another child. I should mention at this point that as a result of that accident, my ex had suffered a traumatic brain injury. He went and finished college after the accident, but needed additional time to take tests and sometimes had issues with short term memory ( he would misplace his keys alot). After the new year, things in our relationship were wonderful since he spent most night here and we were practically living together at my apartment. His parents left us alone for a while, but then they started to make things difficult again. He found out his mother was going to give him a surprise b-day party and guess who wasn't on the list? Yes, she "forgot" to invite her son's fiancee. He told her that I was the most important thing to him and if I wasn't invited, he wouldn't go. She immediately started crying and told him she didn't know why I was "taking him away from her." He told her that he loved me and I was going to be his wife and he didn't know why they didn't like me since I was always very kind to them. She said she didn't like me "just because." Well, in the end I was invited to the party and went for 45 minutes as the therapist suggested to not give the family an opportunity to act rude towards me. His mother repeated this behavior again of not inviting me to a party during Easter. My ex came to pick me up to take me to the party and his mother called his cell phone and asked where he was. He told her he was coming to pick me up and she started yelling it was an immediate family only party and I wasn't invited. He started to argue with her and told her I was his family and why did she invite her daughter's new boyfriend, but not his fiancee? His mother started to scream at him on the phone that she didn't like me just because and that she lost one son to death and wasn't losing another to me and hung up the phone on him. He called her back and told her he was moving out and we wouldn't be going to their party. Two days later I got an email from her wishing me a belated happy easter and she hoped I was doing well. Her son got an email from her (that he showed me) that said, " Son, I have swallowed my pride and wrote her to make peace just for you. I am just looking out for your best interests and need you to make sure that you understand that life is too short to have it be filled with drama and it seems like your whole life is full of drama now." He wrote her back thanking her and telling her that I didn't cause any drama, she was. He continued staying over here with me and requested that he be put on my lease because he wanted to helping me with the rent by paying half since he slept here every night. Things were going pretty well and we were very happy and then one night we had an argument over something silly, I can't even remember what it was ( hogging the bed covers I think). He started to raise his voice and I asked him to please speak to me calmly. He wouldn't lower his voice, so I said I am going to sit in the living room for five minutes and then I will come back in here and speak with you calmly. I got up out of the bed and was almost to the couch when he jumped out of bed and block me. I asked him to please move and let me by and he said no, come back to bed now and pushed me back. I fell really hard and hit my knee on the door frame and started crying. He looked at me and said , "You did this to yourself," and walked into the bedroom. I got up and sat on the couch and pulled up my pajama pants and the knee was turning purple. I sat there crying and he came out and said he was sorry and he didn't know why he acted like that and he would never act that way again. Well, 2 weeks later it was the Friday of Memorial day weekend and I was scheduled to fly out on a 6 am flight to a family event. He had spent the night and we went to bed pretty early since I had to get up so early. I woke up to the feeling someone was trying to pull off my pants. I was half asleep so , I turned over and said, " Not now, I have to get up early." The next thing I know, he rips off my pants and is on top of me and I try to push him off and say, "No, honey, please." He doesn't say a word and forces himself on me and he was very rough. He finishes and rolls off of me and I turn on the light and I was crying and shaking and I tell him, "You really hurt me." We look down at the mattress and there is a puddle of blood already there. I get up blood and go to the bathroom and blood is dripping down my legs. He starts to cry and get up to hug me and says, "Honey, what did I do? What did I do? I don't remember what I just did. I love you so much I hate myself for doing this to you." The alarm rings that second and I have to take a shower and get ready to go to the airport. He is crying the whole time telling me he is so sorry and can't remember a thing and is going to go to a psychiatrist next week and please forgive him because he can't live without me. Needless to say, that weekend was hard for me because I was in shock and had to put on a "happy" face since I was around my family at a wedding. The whole weekend he was very remorseful on the phone and crying that he would find out what was wrong with him and he loved me so much and we would work through this. I return home late Monday night and don't see him till after work on Tuesday since he was sleeping at his house. Tuesday was our anniverary and he called me and texted me I love you and happy anniversary and I am so lucky to have you. He asked me to go to the gym with him after work and then we would go out to dinner. He got off earlier than I did and sent me a message, " I am at the gym." I was confused since he asked me and I just replied, " Ok, I will go alone later." I get to my apartment and he is pulling at the same time. I asked him why did he ask me to go to the gym if he was already there. He got very nervous and couldn't explain why he needed to go twice in one day. I bring up the fact that because of him forcing himself on me, I was really having trust issues and we needed to work on them. He agreed and apologized again and said he hated that he hurt and he wanted to marry me and I was the love of his live and he told me he couldn't live without me, etc. I told him I forgve him, but we need to go to counseling to work through trust issues I had as a result of this because I had was very shaken up. I ask him what workout did he do at the gym ( weights, cardio?) and he could give me an answer. He got defensive and started to raise his voice and told me that everything he did was for our relationship. I got suspicious and asked him to please leave because I needed time to think because his answer was confusing me. I asked him not to yell and please come back when he was calm. He was yelling and said that he was sorry I couldn't see that everything he did was for my benefit. I started to cry and said softly " Even by acting like a rapist and forcing yourself on me the other night?" He said, "I SAID everything is for your benefit," and walked out the door. I shut the door and locked and started crying. He came back to the door like five minutes later and was knocked saying, "Baby, please open the door. please open the door." After a few minutes, he left and called me and texted me( he was crying on the voicemail), "Honey I am at my parent's house. I am going to shower and I come back to your apartment later. I love you so much, you mean everything to me. I'll call you when I am done." I waited 30 minutes then called him back and told him I loved him too and please call me when he was done. I didn't hear from him by 1 am and I called him again and it went straight to voicemail. The next day, I called him at 10 am and it said the number was disconnected. I emailed his mother asking her if she knew if his phone was working since I was getting a message it wasn't in service. She answered me back telling me that her son was breaking up with me and had left town because he was an "emotional wreck" and to respect his privacy and theirs and she had nothing left to say to me. I was very upset and emailed him asking him to please contact me because I was very confused and why was his mother breaking up with me and why couldn't he speak to me. I get a response back five minutes later that said exactly the following: Son, cut and paste her this below " I have moved on with my life. It is over and there is nothing left to say. It is over." I write back telling him I loved him, I was very hurt and would like to speak with him. I asked him to come to the therapist's office with me and I would pay for the session. I told him I needed to hear him tell me it was over, but not from his mother. Also, how can I return the engagement ring. He responded in the same tone as above, " Don't do this anymore. It is over." I am wondering if his mom told him what to write also for that email, but he cut and pasted correctly. I felt very sad and ended up leaving immediately to go stay with my parents for 2 days because I was devasated with grief. I started to see a new therapist immediately ( and still am) because the old one said since he was her client first, she could only see me in a couples setting. I ended up seeing him drive by me ( we live about 10 minutes from each other) 2 weeks after the break up so I know he didn't "leave town." I ran into one of his friends in the grocery store and they approached me and told me they were sorry to hear we split up and that we seemed really in love and they were sure we could work it out. I told the friend, well for starters he changed his number and I don't know how to get in contact with him. The friend gave me his number, but made me promise not to tell hime who gave it to me. I waited 2 days and called him on the month anniversary of the breakup. I blocked my number because I was certain he wouldn't pick up the phone if he saw it was me. He acted like he didn't know who it was. I told him it was me and asked him how he was and was he ok. He asked me how I was and I told him the last month had been very hard for me and I was in therapy. He said he was in therapy also. I told him I had his ring and I tried to call him but he changed his number. I told him I hadn't been able to send it because everyday I hoped he would come back, but I would send it if he wanted it. He started crying and didn't respond about the ring and said it wouldn't work between us because I always made him feel bad about himself. He told me that he always felt "guilty" when he was around me and I was the reason for everything bad that had happened in his life. He said he didn't make me happy and that I never encouraged him in regards to grad school and I was probably cheating on him. He also said that he couldn't forget that I called him a murderer. I was shocked and my voice was trembling and I didn't want to argue with him, and I told him I am was sure there was a misunderstanding because I didn't recall calling him a murderer ( I didn't) and I had no reason to. He said I called him a murderer for being the driver in the accident that killed his brother. I told him I could understand that was a very hurtful thing to call someone and I have never thought that of him and I am sorry if he thinks I said that. I also told him he did make me happy and I loved him very much and I was always faithful to him and he knew that. He was crying, but in a cold tone told me he had forgiven me in his mind a long time ago for all that I had done to him. Then he said he doesn't know why he can't move past the relationship he had with me. He said it would never work between us. Right then, he was paged( he was at work) and he said he had to go. I told him maybe we could both move past what happened and have closure if we talked on the phone or had a long conversation in person to talk about things. He said yes and told me he would call me back. Of course, he never did. Five minutes later his MOTHER called me twice in a row and left a really bitchy message, " I am sure you are very very busy with your life, but you need to call me back as soon as you hear this." I did not call her back at all. My therapist and I, and pretty much everyone else I have talked to, feels his mother was really overstepping her boundaries by calling me. I was very hurt by what he told me on the phone. I have never called him a murderer and never accused him for being the reason his brother died. He would cry on the anniversary of the accident and say it was all his fault and I would tell him, it was not and he could blame himself. Also, I told him he was the most handsome man in my eyes and he made me so happy. I always told him how proud I was of him and his accomplishments. I am the one who found him his current job and helped him fill out his grad school application and would help him study for the GRE. His parents on the other hand told him to just settle since it appeared he would never get a high enough score on the GRE to get in to his program. I think he is projecting all the negative things he feels about himself and blaming me for them.He is the one who cheated on me and I was always faithful and loyal to him. My brother thinks that his parents are probably providing a steady stream of negative things about me to discourage him from coming back to me since they didn't like me anyways. They have also probably encouraged him to date other girls so he can see how much better his life is without me. They did this to his sister when she had dumped her boyfriend. It has been 6 weeks and I am still very hurt. I was blaming myself at first wondering what is wrong with me. I even emailed him a few weeks ago apologizing for calling him a rapist and telling him that maybe what he did was in a sleepwalking state. Since that time, I have realized through therapy that unless he had a history of sleepwalking, he probably realized what he was doing. I am just very sad now and wish he would contact me. I have that fear that if I contact him, his mother will call again like I am harrassing him or something. My therapist says the best thing is not to respond to her if she ever calls again. I am in therapy, I go to church, pray, try to go to the gym, but I can't stop wondering why he did this, why did he disconnect his phone, and does he still think of me, miss me and love me or does he really hate me? My therapist feels that at some point, I will probably need to confront him because he did rape me and I am dealing with the shame that goes along with that, especially since he and his family were so dismissive of me. This man was going to be my husband and it is so sad that he just cut me out of his life like I am nothing and like I did something to him to harm him. Thank you for reading this long story. I would appreciate any comments or thoughts.
clandestinidad Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 Wow....thats quite an ordeal. You seem to have a LOT of confusion and unanswered questions, and thats never easy to deal with. I'm really sorry that you're going through this. You asked a lot of 'why' questions, and the only answer I can think of based on everything your wrote, is that this family is just so messed up that no one can function properly. It sounds like they all have severe trauma from the accident. That they are all still reeling in pain from it, feeling guilty, and gone to the extreme in order to protect each other. Personally, I think the mother will hate anyone her son is with. It sounded to me like since she almost lost BOTH of her sons, she wants to keep the last one she has at all costs. That would explain why they like the daughters boyfriend--b/c they didnt almost lose her, did they. There also sounds like a lot of mental issues are going on. Maybe some personality disorders, and I would be certain of PTSD on your ex's part. This family will never heal and become functional unless they endure many many hours of counseling together. I'd even say some need medication, but perhaps just getting counseling would help them heal. I know its confusing and hard to deal with, but there's nothing you can do. These people seem totally unable to think rationally, and behave in 'normal' ways. Whether thats ever since the accident, or if they've had psychological issues before, we cant really say....but unfortunately they probably wont change. Your boyfriend seems incredibly messed up. I really wish you could step back from the situation, because its pretty obvious that this abusive/crazy situation was endangering you....and even physically/emotionally hurting you--you mentioned 2 (?) instances w/ your boyfriend, a couple intances with his mother, and 1 instance with his father....thats a lot of abuse coming from various people. A relationship should never be like that. I realize you loved him very very much, and he loved you as well. Its just that he is not able to completely love and have a healthy relationship for many reasons. You might love someone immensely, but I do not feel that its possible to have it returned to you by someone so messed up. I wish that you'd be able to see how much worse it could have gotten. Those times he was physically abusive, they were MAJOR. I'm curious if there were 'smaller abuses' before those. It sounds like it escalated really fast, and those situations are particularly dangerous. You need to see the situation as it was, not as someone 'in love'. Please step back and think about yourself and what happened. Ignore all of the things he and his parents said after the abuse--they didnt mean it. They DID mean to hurt you. His apologies were just to appease you, and the apologies from his parents were to appease you. Abusers DO mean to abuse. They always come up with some reason or justification for it afterwards, and try to make it sound like an apology. Anyway, please look out for yourself and realize that your physical and mental health were in danger, and that a life like that would have killed you (possibly literally)
Guest passerby Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 Congratulations to the person who read this post in it's entirety.. applause.......... \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/
Author bluegal79 Posted July 16, 2006 Author Posted July 16, 2006 Kat23: Thank for reading the entire post. I know it was pretty long, lol. I really appreciate your thoughts and encouragement, they are very insightful. Sometimes it is hard for me to look at the "big picture," when all I can think about is the hurt and how much I cared for him and loved him. My therapist told me that this was an emotional abusive relationship (at the very least). My parents told me that even though they know I am hurting now, one day I will realize that this was a blessing and I will be grateful he is out of my life and I won't be a part of that family. They told me there were always concerned for me because to them, there was just something about him that he seemed "off." His family is pretty messed up. My therapist says that their/his reaction to change his phone number was very extreme and bordering on paranoid. I know it must have been so diffucult to lose a child. They never went to counseling as a family. Only my ex went after the accident and the mother went for 1 month then she stopped because she "didn't like the therapist." The father and the sister refused to go. To this day, they still have the brother's image superimposed on the family Christmas picture. That is very disturbing and sad to me. His sister was only diagnosed bipolar this year and I was a witness to her deep depression and then her very manic state that followed. She wouldn't sleep for 2 or 3 days and would have crazy amounts of energy and these grandiose ideas for her future that were never put into action. Her brother and mother urged her to go to a psychiatrist but she refused to go. Finally, she went and was diagnosed and prescribed meds, but is not med compliant. You are right, my ex is not a rational person to act like this. I guess it just hurts that someone who I loved and believed loved me back, could treat me this way. Thanks for the response
einahpets Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 I know how it feels to loose someone you love. I dated a man for three years and we planned to marry. I endured maybe a little emotional abuse but not even a fraction of what you have been through. When it ended I never though I could go on and had lost the man I was supposed to marry; I would never find anyone else. A few months after the breakup I started dating a wonderful man who is perfect for me in every way imaginable. The ex and I have been apart for almost a year but I can barely remember the 3 that we were together. I am happy I dodged that bullet and if anything it showed me what I don't want in a man. My current has shown me everything I do want. I know it has not been too long and the wounds are still very fresh. But already it seems that you are looking back on it and realizing that it was very toxic to your well being. You deserve much better. You will find an amazing man who will love as will his family. You put love in past tense twice in your last post. Good for you! I wish you the best.
blind_otter Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I read the whole thing, I really feel for you. IMO the family of your BF was traumatized, but in all honesty it sounds like you were traumatized by the relationship, and they way it ended with that brutal partner rape was inexcuseable. I think a lot of people have been caught up in those kinds of relationships. You love that person, but they are self-destructing and will take you down along with them if you hold on to them. I wish you the best and I think you dealt with this courageously, to say the least.
Author bluegal79 Posted July 17, 2006 Author Posted July 17, 2006 Kat23: I wish that you'd be able to see how much worse it could have gotten. Those times he was physically abusive, they were MAJOR. I'm curious if there were 'smaller abuses' before those. It sounds like it escalated really fast, and those situations are particularly dangerous. I forgot to respond to this earlier, but you are right, there were other smaller abuses or "accidents" as he called them. For example, occasionally he would grab my arms too tightly when hugging me from behind and leave bruises. I would ask him to please not grab me so tightly and he would always say, " Honey, I'm sorry, it was an accident. I guess I don't realize my own strength." He is 6 ft 4 inches, 240lbs of muscle and I am 5ft 6in 130lbs. There was an very scary incident about a month and a half before he dumped me. A knife had gone down the kitchen sink into the disposal, along with some pieces of chicken and was jamming it. I tried to pull it out with pliers and couldn't, so I had to stick my hand down there. He was standing by the switch on the wall and told me to let him know when he could turn it on and it was making me nervous. I asked him to please come and stand next to me and wait till I pulled my hand and the knife out of the disposal. I managed to get the knife unjammed and am pulling it out of the dispoal, when the disposal is turned on and I felt the wind from the blades on my fingers and somehow had a fast reflex and recoiled my hand and the knife fell back in. I simply sank to the ground trembling and was in shock that I almost lost my fingers. He turned off the disposal and sat down and hugged me, "Honey, I am so sorry. I thought your fingers weren't even near there. I feel so bad.It was an accident. I don't know what I was thinking."
Author bluegal79 Posted July 17, 2006 Author Posted July 17, 2006 Einahpets and Blind_Otters Thank you for your support and kind words. I truly look forward to the day that I can look back and not feel any love for him anymore. Congratulations Einahpets for finding such a wonderful person that loves you and treats you the way you deserve.
einahpets Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 There are a lot of people on this site who have been through traumatic relationships. I think it is the reason why many of us found this site. I came here two years before mine ended looking for advice. This place is a great support system.
Author bluegal79 Posted July 19, 2006 Author Posted July 19, 2006 Thank you Einahpets! I miss him so much right now. It is hard for me sometimes to grasp the idea that someone who told me they loved me so much, suddenly stopped loving me and not caring at all. I want to ask him to come to a therapy session with me (to help me find closure), but I haven't for the following reasons. 1) He won't respond if I email him since he forwards all to his mother 2) If I call him on the phone, he will probably not answer. 3) I am scared if he answers, he will tell me he hates me. Sometimes I wonder if he will ever contact me again. My brother told me that because of his brain injury and the tight hold his messed up family has on him, he thinks they have implanted hatred in his mind against me so as to insure my ex will never think of me with caring or loving thoughts again and won't be tempted to contact me.
clandestinidad Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 I dont think it was a matter of him not loving you. I'm sure he felt like he loved you....he's just so messed up that he cannot (and possibly will never) love in healthy ways. When you have that much going on in your head, and youre that crazy/abusive, its not possible to have ANY healthy areas of your life....your whole life gets crazy and messed up. (I bet he couldnt hold a job, or handle job stresses either) I also wanted to say that if he were to call you, there would be more fake apologies and justifications for what he's done. He'd do it in order to draw you back, but the abuse would happen again--and get worse and worse. I realize that you need closure b/c it ended so strangely. If you talk with him, however, I dont think you'd get that closure. There would either be a lot of blame put on you (for things that were never your fault) or a lot of shallow apologizing....I just dont think anything healthy would come from talking to him. Maybe if you focused on how crazy and messed up, and emotionally/physically abusive the situation was that could be all the closure you need. You dont need to talk to someone to get closure. I think its a mindset. You decide that it was detrimental to your well-being, and that you are NOT going to be in a situation like that....and you get that closure from yourself because you are a strong person who knows what you will NEVER stand for. He might have seemed wonderful before, but over time you have seen the real person behind that facade. You dont need to talk to him in order to move on, just look at the person who he's been these last few months and what he's done to you. Personally, I dont think that someone who's treated you like that should have the privilege of talking to you again. You're better than that, you will not stand for that, and you're worth sooo much more than to associate with people who've been so harmful to you.
SarahRose Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 bluegal, it may not seem like it right now but you should be thanking your lucky starts you are away from this nutjob abuser and his jerry springer family! Why exactly is this abusive creep a prize?
Moai Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Be glad to be away from that! It is good that you are in therapy, for sure. I mean no disrespect or offense, but there must be someting going on with you to have put up with any of that. Beyond the fact that his mom controls his life, he's afraid of his dad (and cries about it instead of doing something) and let him freak out all over you, the bruising your arms and the disposal thing--you really got out before it was too late, IMHO. The only people who do things like that are psychotic. If my girlfriend had her hand in the disposal I wouldn't even have my hand anywhere near the switch at all. I'd let her turn it on herself. Why didn't he just let you get the knife out and then turn the disposal on? And the, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thoguht your hand wasn't anywhere near there" is a bunch of crap. I am sure the sick f*&%K got off on the fact that he had the ability to take your hand off if he wanted, and enjoyed the control that he felt while doing it. It seems like he (and his family) like to hurt you, as if they are taking their disgust and fear and pain inside and taking it out on you. He is bigger than you, but there are people out there bigger than him (me, for example), and I would love to see how he likes it. I would stay as far away from these toxic people as possible, and continue to work with your therapist. There is no way that this guy loved you, and eventually you are going to get crippled or killed by these sadistic, evil people. They have already done enough emotional damage to you. Just reading your posts I hate them, and I don't even know them. If some guy's dad talked to my sister the way that his dad did you, I'd drive straight over there and get in his face, and probably end up kicking his ass. And the disposal thing and bruising your arms? I'd get in the boyfriend's face and probably end up kicking HIS ass, too. It's sad, but some people only understand a beating. BUt it isn't up to you to fix them, work on yourself. Never, ever speak to them, read an email from them, or go anywhere near their side of town as long as you live. And, if you hear about some other poor girl getting involved with them, warn her. You cold save a life.
Guest Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 I don't mean to sound cold but thank heavens you didn't marry into that family! They sound pretty messed up. I know that they've been through alot but they've gone too far. I'm sure they won't be happy with any girl their son brings home. Perhaps they feel jealousy and a need to hang onto their son tightly because they lost their other one. My mother always said to never marry a man thinking that you can change him because after you get married he just gets worse. Life is very difficult anyway. In the future you could have medical problems, a job loss, death in the family etc. You need a strong mate that can stand behind you to help you get through life's issues. I seriously hope it doesn't work out between you two because I know that you can do better. One day in the future you will look back on this relationship and wonder what you were thinking.
Author bluegal79 Posted July 22, 2006 Author Posted July 22, 2006 Wow, thank you so much for all the replies! You don't know how much your replies have helped me, especially when I start to get sad. Sometimes when you when love someone, it is like you have "blinders" on and are not seeing the true situation for what it was. All your objective views and comments are so appreciated and yesterday was the first day in roughly 7 weeks that I didn't cry at all. Individual replies: Clandestinidad: Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. You are right, *if* he ever was to call again, he would give me some sob story with fake apologies to lure me back to him or play the "I didn't realize what I was doing b/c of my brain injury, but I love you so much," card. I seriously think he will never contact me, but if he did, I would not answer his call/email. He did hold down a job, but he couldn't handle the job stress and would always be so worried about messing up something or he if didn't do something right, he was scared to be reprimanded ,etc. SarahRose: My dad said something similar to what you said. He said, "I know you are very hurt now, but one day you will realize what a blessing this was for you to have this man and his crazy family out of your life. He is a real piece of crap." Moai No offense taken. I appreciate your candid response and you hit the nail on the head when asking what is going on with me to stay with him so long. That is something that my therapist and I have started to discuss during my sessions. I have never been in any type of abusive situation. My parents are still together, my parents were respectful to each other and us kids, I didn't suffer abuse as a child,etc. I even dated someone for 4 years prior to this guy and we split up amicably and his family was always very kind to me. My therapist thinks that perhaps I felt bad for him because he had lost his brother and also because of his brain injury and I thought unconsiously I could help "fix" or "save" him. Also, I am the type of person who starts a project or assignment and will put all my effort into working on it until it is done. I didn't know he had a brain injury or had lost his brother in the beginning. Once we started dating, he mentioned the accident and his brother and vague details and told me someday he would tell me the detailed story. One day, we were watching a movie at my house and after it was done he told me he wanted to tell me his story. He held my hand and he started to tell me what he remembered and his feelings and how he blamed himself and I just sat there listening to him. Then he started to cry and pulled me to him and I just held him while he cried like a baby and he told me he loved me for the first time and he had never talked to anyone about the accident like this except to a therapist once. He told me he knew I was "the one" and he couldn't ever bear to lose me and he knew he wanted to be with me for the rest of our lives. Oh yes, I have never told my parents about the rape or the bruising or his dad getting in my face. Probably because I know that they would be pissed and most likely want to drive over to their house and ask them what the hell they were thinking treating me this way. When he dumped me, my dad asked me if he ever hurt me physically because if he did, he would drive over to his house with the cops in tow. I told my mother about the disposal incident a few weeks ago and she was horrified and asked me why couldn't I see that he was trying to hurt me on purpose that day and I should have never spoken to him again after that incident. Guest: Thank you for your comments! I don't think it comes across cold at all. I had a friend tell me the other day I really dodged a bullet by not marrying into that family, because once I was married the treatment from them would have only gotten worse.
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