owcanbhppy Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 as ow, i live in fear of it. i feel i'm often more careful than mm, sometimes i think he wants to get caught. have others here felt that way? for those who went through d-day, how did it all play out?
Walking away Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 She found a text message from me on his cell phone. Ironically, it was the same day that I had "broken up" with him. I never wanted to be the other woman and he lied about his marital status. Once I found out he was married, it was a struggle.....him wooing me back....me agonizing over my feelings for him vs. my integrity and morals and basic premise that I am not one to share.... Anyway, after we broke up that day (my idea, cause I couldn't take it anymore), he went home sick. Vomiting, headache.....stress related... He got in the shower, she found the phone, looked and found the text messages..... She called me. I covered for him. He called me the next day. Said he loved me but that he wasn't ready to leave yet. Fast forward four months....he is still contacting me sporatically....still tells me that he hopes for a beautiful reunion someday. I am not responding to his e-mails, have moved on, am dating again, and am very happy without the mess of the affair. To me, it played out very well. I am out. A happy ending in my book.
Guest Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 She found a text message from me on his cell phone. Ironically, it was the same day that I had "broken up" with him. I never wanted to be the other woman and he lied about his marital status. Once I found out he was married, it was a struggle.....him wooing me back....me agonizing over my feelings for him and my integrity and morals and basic premise that I am not one to share.... Anyway, after we broke up that day (my idea, cause I couldn't take it anymore), he went home sick. Vomiting, headache.....stress related... He got in the shower, she found the phone, looked and found the text messages..... She called me. I covered for him. He called me the next day. Said he loved me but that he wasn't ready to leave yet. Fast forward four months....he is still contacting me sporatically....still tells me that he hopes for a beautiful reunion someday. I am not responding to his e-mails, have moved on, am dating again, and am very happy without the mess of the affair. To me, it played out very well. I am out. A happy ending in my book. how did you cover for him? (not emotionally, i get that you were done- and I am too!!!!), but were the messages inocuous or somthing for her to buy your cover. i just ended mine recently, he knows it's for the best, but if i know him, he's not going to be able to be his normal funny self for a few days and she is bound to wonder. he even called me after the break up at an odd time which made me think that she could check and ironically find out something after it was done with- wouldn't that suck- we decided not to hurt her and her to find out after it is over? can't imagine how you could come up with something that would make her believe she didn't find what she found?!
Walking away Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 The text message said, simply, "I love you too." I lied and told her that he was a very good friend of mine whom I loved as a friend. She bought my story at the time. But, after much questioning later, after the phone call, she broke him down somewhat. He admitted to having an emotional affair with me, but totally denied the physical aspect of the affair. To this day, she believes that we only saw each other a handful of times here in my city (actually, we saw each other every other week for almost seven months....including him flying me all over the west coast to stay with him on business trips, and spending several days together starting the day after Christmas in LV).....we only kissed on the cheek (and I don't even have to explain what we REALLY did...), and that I was more attached to him than he was to me (whatever....). She, I think, is either really naive, or in total denial. But, she bought my story of friendship. (To my knowledge, she has not asked for cell phone records, credit card bills, or secret e-mail accounts. If she had, he would have been nailed to the wall. She would have found multiple phone calls that HE made to ME on a daily basis, multiple daily e-mails full of whispers of sweet nothings, and multiple flights with my name on them, multiple flowers, dinners, gifts, etc.) Even with that story, she blasted me on the phone. She asked if I loved him, to which I said NO. She asked if he loved me, and of course, I said no. She asked why he was so nervous about her talking to me on the phone. I told her to talk to him about that.....I explained that neither she nor he had any reason to feel threatened by me. Yeah, I saved his ass. Big time. And to make things worse for her, he had gotten me my dream concert tickets to see my favorite performer in Las Vegas for Valentine's Day. The show was set for two weeks after she found out. He BEGGED me to join him there. I went. It was the most emotionally horrifying two days I have ever spent with anyone. We parted ways after that, and I haven't seen him since. Not much remorse on his part, huh? Two weeks after she finds out about me, he is in another city with me....wining and dining me. And we did ALOT of talking in those two days....and lots of crying. He was a wreck knowing he was gonna lose me, and he was a wreck about hurting her. And, we made love, too. (Not my finest moments, I admit, but I thought I was in love with him and didn't know if I was ever gonna see him again.) Looking back, I can remember the tortured feelings that we felt as we saw each other for the last time at that airport. The exact same airport that we first met at, now that I think about it.... Anyway, if she knew the REAL truth about us, she would fall apart. And if she knew that he was still e-mailing me telling me how amazing I am, how much he loves me, how much he looks forward to a beautiful reunion someday, well....she would be horrified. For me, the rose colored glasses are off. He lied and made me the OW without my knowledge. That ain't love. That's deception. And I feel no need to hurt this woman. She is in her own private hell with what little she knows about me. I do not wish to inflict any pain on her. She truly is the victim here. And I don't choose to destroy her world. He did a good enough job of that without my help. I feel sorry for her. It is apparent to me that he thoroughly disrespects her. She has a very long road ahead of her. I truly pity her. She thinks she "won." But what did she really "win?"
mopar crazy Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 As an xOW I didn't want him to get caught. I was more worried about what would happen to him rather than what his live in GF would say or do to me. B4 we got involved I didn't know he was in a SR until one of his friends told me. I continued to see him, she moved in w/ him, I continued to see him. He was the one that told me she knew about me. Whether that was true or not I don't know. She never called me, never approached me, NC at all. I never said it was over, he never said it was over, I just moved on w/ my life and stayed away from him once I found out they got M shortly after it ended. As a BW I found her cell phone # on our cell phone bill. I questioned him about it and he said he needed to tell her he was going to return a cd she let him borrow after he burned it. A month later he said he wanted out of the M so I kicked him out of the house. That week several of my friends told me about their A. Both denied it. I finally found out the truth from the xOW's own H who came to my house and had a lot of info to share w/ me. H never admitted to the A until about 2 months later when he wanted to work on the M.
mopar crazy Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 The text message said, simply, "I love you too." I lied and told her that he was a very good friend of mine whom I loved as a friend. She bought my story at the time. But, after much questioning later, after the phone call, she broke him down somewhat. He admitted to having an emotional affair with me, but totally denied the physical aspect of the affair. To this day, she believes that we only saw each other a handful of times here in my city (actually, we saw each other every other week for almost seven months....including him flying me all over the west coast to stay with him on business trips, and spending several days together starting the day after Christmas in LV).....we only kissed on the cheek (and I don't even have to explain what we REALLY did...), and that I was more attached to him than he was to me (whatever....). She, I think, is either really naive, or in total denial. But, she bought my story of friendship. (To my knowledge, she has not asked for cell phone records, credit card bills, or secret e-mail accounts. If she had, he would have been nailed to the wall. She would have found multiple phone calls that HE made to ME on a daily basis, multiple daily e-mails full of whispers of sweet nothings, and multiple flights with my name on them, multiple flowers, dinners, gifts, etc.) Even with that story, she blasted me on the phone. She asked if I loved him, to which I said NO. She asked if he loved me, and of course, I said no. She asked why he was so nervous about her talking to me on the phone. I told her to talk to him about that.....I explained that neither she nor he had any reason to feel threatened by me. Yeah, I saved his ass. Big time. And to make things worse for her, he had gotten me my dream concert tickets to see my favorite performer in Las Vegas for Valentine's Day. The show was set for two weeks after she found out. He BEGGED me to join him there. I went. It was the most emotionally horrifying two days I have ever spent with anyone. We parted ways after that, and I haven't seen him since. Not much remorse on his part, huh? Two weeks after she finds out about me, he is in another city with me....wining and dining me. And we did ALOT of talking in those two days....and lots of crying. He was a wreck knowing he was gonna lose me, and he was a wreck about hurting her. And, we made love, too. (Not my finest moments, I admit, but I thought I was in love with him and didn't know if I was ever gonna see him again.) Looking back, I can remember the tortured feelings that we felt as we saw each other for the last time at that airport. The exact same airport that we first met at, now that I think about it.... Anyway, if she knew the REAL truth about us, she would fall apart. And if she knew that he was still e-mailing me telling me how amazing I am, how much he loves me, how much he looks forward to a beautiful reunion someday, well....she would be horrified. For me, the rose colored glasses are off. He lied and made me the OW without my knowledge. That ain't love. That's deception. And I feel no need to hurt this woman. She is in her own private hell with what little she knows about me. I do not wish to inflict any pain on her. She truly is the victim here. And I don't choose to destroy her world. He did a good enough job of that without my help. I feel sorry for her. It is apparent to me that he thoroughly disrespects her. She has a very long road ahead of her. I truly pity her. She thinks she "won." But what did she really "win?" Walking away, I know how she feels, I was in total denial myself. I even thought sex would bring him back. My H was having his cake and eating it to. He was having sex with her and me. I know it was a HUGE ego boost to have two women wanting him. I stopped having sex w/ him when I found out the whole truth. If I ever found out he was still in contact w/ her shyt would hit the fan and he would be out the door in a heart beat. I'm trying to give my M a second chance but if he ever does this shyt again he will be done. I know he isn't in any contact w/ the xOW so there is no worries or thoughts about that. Do you still want this contact w/ him? If not I honestly think you should tell his W. It seems like you don't want to hurt her, but I think it would hurt her more if she knew he was continuing to contact you and she had no clue. I know I would want to know if my H was still in contact w/ the xOW, or any OW, so I could get out of the M and find someone else. Life is too short. Sounds like you are finding the strength to go on. What an ********* not admitting to being M. I had a great looking guy hit on me and kiss me one night when I was in college. When I invited to my roommates and I's party he showed up and I found out he was a MM. I went to the door where he was waiting to be let in and yelled at him about not telling me he was M. I told him to get the hell out of my place. He was shocked and looked disappointed but oh well, I wasn't going there. DAMN he was good looking too!
Walking away Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 Mopar, First of all, I am sorry that you had to endure this type of pain. The carnage is horrific. I've been cheated on in the past, also. And I wouldn't wish that pain on my own worst enemy. I hope that your pain eases with time... To answer your question about contact with him: No, I don't want contact with him. This relationship was toxic. I see that now. But, I do not see any reason to destroy this woman's life. She chose to stay with this man and I commend her for that. Yes, she doesn't have even close to the entire truth about me, but they are still together and what, really, would the truth do now? He is getting the message loud and clear from me. I TOLD him it was disrespectful to his wife to contact me. And with the absence of my response to his contact, he is finally getting it. I was gracious when I exited this relationship. I prefer to keep that dignity now. As for her, I really understand what you are saying. If I were the BS, I, too, would want to know the entire truth. But, I sense that this lady is really quite fragile with what little she knows. I really see no good coming from her knowing about me now. The affair is over, and has been for several months. I feel that I should let dead dogs lie. I have moved on, and perhaps they can also. I do pray that he has learned his lesson now. And that he NEVER does this again. Only pain and destruction occurs when these affairs come to fruition. For EVERYONE. Much peace to you. WA
mopar crazy Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Thanks WA. I can see your point as well about not telling his W. If there is NC on your end and your trying to tell him to leave you alone then you aren't doing anything wrong. I think in due time she will find out soon enough, but hopefully it doesn't take too long b4 she finds out what a jerk he is being. As for the pain I felt as a BW, yes it was the worst pain ever. Would I ever wish this pain on anyone? Only the xOW that played her part in the A. I don't blame her for the whole A, believe me my H got an earful. Each time I talked to her on the phone I was very nice, but my last phone call I made I said 5 words to her and that was "STAY THE F@CK AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND!" and then I hear the phone click. She hung up on me. The xOW tried for years to be my friend and then she back stabs me by persuing my H. I was A LOT more mad at my H than I was her.
Walking away Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I am sorry for your pain. I will say it again....no good comes out of these affairs. EVERYONE is damaged one way or another. Believe me, emotionally, I didn't come out of this unscathed either. I am forever changed. Hugs WA
Guest Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I completely agree..."EVERYONE is damaged one way or another." I just found out that my boyfriend of 2 1/2 months was married. To top it off, he sent me a dozen roses the week before and told me he loved me. Thanks to my mom questioning certain clues I was blind to, she hired an investigator who came back with the information that he was married. She contacted his Father-in-Law and let's just say that EVERYTHING hit the roof! I know that as the OW I must end all contact with him, leaving unanswered questions unanswered, but he was my first love. Does it get easier with time? I just found out 3 days ago so still in a somewhat state of shock.
Walking away Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Prepare to go through a rollercoaster of emotions. My feelings didn't disappear just because I found out he was married. The indignant feeling I have now took time to get to. I grieved the loss of the relationship and the loss of him. I truly thought I loved this man. I thought he was THE ONE for me. I know how you feel. It is heartbreaking. Don't continue with him. You will only get more hurt as time goes on. Trust me on this. I continued after I found out he was married and my heart and my mind were at war from that moment on. I felt like I was stuck in a hell like I had never been in my life. Whether his feelings are genuine for you or not doesn't really matter. He betrayed you. And he was selfish putting you in this position without your knowledge. He wasn't FREE to pursue you. So free yourself now while you can. You won't regret it. And if he loves you like he says he does, then he will come find you when he is available to do so. Best of luck WA
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