Angel291 Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 I do not know what is wrong with me. I have always had low self-esteem, but I seem to be hitting rock bottom. I will try to back up and explain everything. The last few years I was involved with a man who was very abusive. He made me feel so petrified to be around him that the only reason I was able to get away from him was because everytime I thought of being with him I would feel nauseated and scared and would cry. In order to escape him, I moved very far away from home to a big city in a place I had never lived before. There I had three roomates who were not very nice to me. They made me feel bad about myself. Men treated me like a sex object, and I got used to hearing that I looked like Marilyn Monroe. I felt like all men wanted from me was sex. Men would come up to me and run their hands up my skirt, and these were men 20 years older than me, dressed in business suits in nice, classy places, not sleezy bars! I never slept with them, but they made me feel very bad about myself, like that was all I had to offer was how I looked. A friend of mine made me neurotic to be around her. It seemed like I was constantly doing things wrong without realizing I had done something wrong and then I would call her or go over to see her and she would jump all over me and scream at me and I got to the point that after I hung out with her, I would be afraid to go and see her again because I would be so petrified I said or did something wrong that I did not remember or realize and that she would yell at me. I was picked on all of my life, and yet I have never been the way I am now. It is to the point that I am so careful of everything I say and do. I am so afraid to do the wrong thing and be picked on or jumped on or yelled at. I do not want to have anything to do with anyone anymore, because it seems like no matter how hard I try I always do or say the wrong thing at some point. Like, I was at a friends house and I knocked this plant over by mistake and it broke and I was trying to hard not to do anything wrong and she was really irritated with me. I do not know if the abusive relationship I was in and then living with these 3 roomates who were backstabbing me a lot and picking on the things I did has become the proverbial straw that broke the camels back, but I do not know what is wrong with me. What is this? What is this where I am so afraid to do anything or say anything for fear I will do or say the wrong thing, and afterwards I will get so worried I messed up. Last night I was with a friend and tried so hard not to do anything wrong, but then today I was worried all day that I did or said something wrong and that if I went to see her she would start yelling at me for something I did not realize I had done wrong. How do I stop this? How do I stop feeling so scared? I feel like I have to watch my every step so closely!!
loveinlife Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 I used to feel that way. Worried about this and that. But really self esteem shouldn't be based upon a measuring stick. No one is perfect to any level. We are all unique in our own ways. You should love yourself and spend sometime thinking about all the good qualities that you have. It does sound like the past relationship that you have did cause you to feel this way. But it is the past, don't allow the past create memories that will hurt you. People can't hurt you until you let them. If you do allow this to happen, people will take advantage of that. Be strong, I know you are capable bc you are pursueing angles like this forum to get help. It is definitely a positive attitude. What really helped me overcome some of my memories that hurt in the past was getting some meditation cds to relax me. There are website about how to deal with self esteem. Keep up the good work, I know you are trying! =)
Author Angel291 Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 Thank you for your words of encouragement! I appreciate them :-) I will keep trying.
Brittanyjean06 Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Man I'm sorry all these people have been a** holes to you. I am a very defensive person now and days because I feel peoples words are their to attack me or make fun or poke fun. Because I was used to people treating me as if I was there to be their tool. But It makes you stronger! Aren't you just sick of people being mean to you. Stand up for your self. Get mean ( not out of line mean) get angry at all the people who ever gave you crap. And grow thicker skin Just make sure you don't take things out on the wrong person ! You can be mean to the nicest person for so long and just one day they will flip. Not that you should but if you look like marilyn monroe maybe that friend of yours is just jealous. If you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything. So stand up for your self. These people were only being mean to make them selves feel better.
PYT Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Angel you sound like a nice person and certainly don't need to live like this. Try and find a good cbt therapist, join a cbt group or read the books by sam Obitz and David Burns on cbt. I used to be really anxious about everything and had low self-esteem until I learned that the way I was looking at things was the main problem. Once I started cbt and began using the tea form exercise to catch my wrong ways of thinking and correct them my anxiety lowered and self esteem rose. As the resident cbt expert on the board whichway would say "you only get out of the cbt exercises what you put into them" so you have to be ready to work on yourself to get the benefits from it and it can be difficult at first but in my experience well worth all the effort I have put in.
Becoming Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 ah, sweetie, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. It sounds like you've internalized the negative messages you've heard all your life so that you expect that you have to be perfect before anyone will like/love you, and that's BS, as I hope you know. You need to be away from all this negativity! Distance yourself from it and don't let it into your life. You've moved to a totally new situation where you knew no one--what courage that took! That's really hard to do! Find a group of folks who will be kind and gentle to you while you're recovering your self-esteem from all the abuse you've suffered, where people will respect you for you, not your body. Command respect when you're not getting it (a scary thing, but we already know you are courageous!). For me, I need a church where people know they're just in various stages of being healed and where I can hear what life is really supposed to be about. You may not be into religion as you've experienced it in the past, but it wouldn't hurt to keep checking groups like that out. No one can do life alone. We're just not made that way as human beings. But you need to be around people who will treat you as the wonderful human being that you are. Seek and ye shall find.
PYT Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 It sounds like you've internalized the negative messages you've heard all your life so that you expect that you have to be perfect before anyone will like/love you, and that's BS, as I hope you know. This is an excellent point!
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