crazeedazee Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 married 14 years. 2 kids. 14 and 2. married (so i thought) to the perfect man. he treated me like a queen!!!!! 3 years ago i became ill. then found out i was pregnant. i was on bedrest for 27 weeks. after that i had a relapse of my illness. during this time he did everything. worked, cared for me the kids the house etc. during this time he also turned to a mutual aquaintance and they started having lengthy phone calls. then he went to see her (lives 2 hours away) that was in Feb. In May i found out about it. I confronted her and she admitted she was in love with him and he in love with her. He denied it. said he wanted his marriage to work but that he was confused. Still he stayed, didnt leave for her. Finally a month ago he told me that he wants to seperate. That he is NOT leaving me for her. he is going to live alone. He is not in love with her and she knows that he is confused about her and about his marriage. He is living with his mom and dad now and moving into an apartment in a few weeks. Oh let me add that he has us in financial ruin because he would lie about going to work and instead go see her. We are BROKE. But she gives him money like crazy! (instead of spending it on her 3 kids) He says she makes him feel 15 years younger (he is 37) and that she is fun and he has no responsibilities with her. He tells me our marriage is not over and he has also told our daughter and his parents the same thing. that he just wants some space and maybe in a month or two he will come home and try to make things work. that he needs to clear his head and try and figure out what it is he wants. HELP ME! should i wait? i love this man with all my heart. i have been physicall ill since all this started. i have begged and begged for another chance. he says maybe soon but not now, i just want to be free for awhile. someone have any advice? thanks
Ladyjane14 Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 He is living with his mom and dad now and moving into an apartment in a few weeks. He tells me our marriage is not over and he has also told our daughter and his parents the same thing. that he just wants some space and maybe in a month or two he will come home and try to make things work. Moving into an apartment will more than likely require signing a lease agreement. This is incompatible with what he's told your in-law's and your daughter when he said that maybe he'll come home in "a month or two". The fact that he has already caused financial problems and that he plans on renting an apartment is a strong indicator that you need to separate your financial future from his. The debts that he incurrs as your husband are also YOUR debts. I'm sorry to say it... but your husband is having an affair and he doesn't have any intentions currently of stopping his affair behavior. His "confusion" is due to his indecision about the potential permanence of putting his family behind him. But if he can keep you calm with platitudes about maybe coming back later... he can try his new lifestyle on for size and leave the door open on his marriage. If it works out with the OW, he'll divorce you. If it doesn't, he'll have you there on the sidelines waiting for him. You can interject some reality into his situation and also protect your family's financial future by seeing a lawyer now and getting a legal separation. He will most likely be angry about that, but he's going to be angry about ANYTHING you do which interferes with his affair anyway. Your focus needs to be on providing for your kids. And whatever action you take in order to get that accomplished can be presented that way. IOW, you can still be friendly and attractive. You can still put your best foot forward, providing him a sympathetic ear and a safe place to share his emotions. BUT.... you do not back down when it comes to taking care of your family. In essence, you're telling him..."Honey, I love you and I want you to come home. But I have to also do what's best for me and the kids." Meantime, stop begging him to come back. This fellow has to understand that you aren't going to be waiting on the backburner while he commits adultery. He's in danger of losing you, and it's important that he sees it. Here's a list of 180's for you. You needn't follow them all. Rather, try to use them in an honest way. This isn't a game, so don't treat it that way. Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
Lor Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 ladyjane, does that list really work? If so, I'm gonna print it out and put a copy everywhere I look.......
Ladyjane14 Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Lor, I think there's something to be said for being willing to end the relationship. My initial response to the crisis in my marriage was to pull the plug and tell my husband in no uncertain terms that I was divorcing him. I wasn't testing him. I wasn't playing with him. I wanted out. And I think he read it on my face. In fact, I was more surprised than he was to find myself giving him another chance. I was just THAT sure of my decision. I don't think empty threats work. And as you know, ultimatums can go either way. It's a 50/50 proposition. With that in mind, it's best not to issue one without being willing to live comfortably with the consequences. I think that 180's can introduce some doubt into the WS. This can be a GOOD thing, particularly in cases where the WS is intent on keeping his primary relationship on the backburner while s/he explores for greener grass. The idea that his/her primary partner might not be hanging around waiting can work miracles on a fence-sitter. Although, I imagine 180's might not work quite as well on the dedicated cheater... one who's OFF the fence and firmly entrenched in the OP's backyard. For a BS who's not quite ready to commit to the ultimatum, 180's would seem to be the lesser risk, IMO.
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