ahutton1972 Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 I had found out about daily emails and internet messenging between my wife and a male friend of hers. She knows this guy from her childhood and went to college with him. She goes to lunch with him once every three months or so as far as I know. I have had the gut feeling that something wasn't right between this guy and my wife. I dont have this gut feeling with her other male friends. I think the fact that they email back and forth daily and chat over the internet set off some alarms. I talked to her about her relationship with this guy and she assured me that she looked at him as a brother. Already my bull**** dtector was going off. She told me that they emailed daily but immediately retracted her statement and said it was more like once a week or so. Alrighty. She knew I was concerned and said I was just jealous. Recently I've walked into the office and caught a glimpse of a few emails she has been writing with him. They are flirtatious in nature. And they jokingly talking about being in a relationship together. They have written about their mutual attraction towards each other and have gone so far as to indicate that had cirumstances been different they would have been intimate with each other. I have become aware that my wife has made lunch dates with him and not told me about it until after the fact. I haven't talked to her recently about this because she will just accuse me of being jealous and state she has every right to have him as a friend. My question is: Am I just being a jealous husband and is my gut just wrong. Or should I really be concnerned here and try do do something about it? Thanks
Tony T Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 I think you are correct in suspecting that something is going on. Perhaps it's only an emotional affair but sending flirtatious email to a male "friend" everyday is highly unusual and inappropriate for a married woman to do. There is something your wife is not getting out of her marriage with you. If she was, she would not be doing this. She is getting some kind of thrill or excitement out of this other guy. I doubt they meet in person on a regular basis but I would not tolerate such a close, flirtatious relationship of anykind if I were you. Discuss this with her calmly and civilly. DO NOT put her on the defensive. Try to find out what it will take for her to give up some of this extramarital communication. It's just not right. Could be that you may need a counsellor to help you through this. It could very well be that you are not meeting her expectations of a husband and she is hedging her bets with this guy. There's no way I can tell from here. But if you value this marriage, you better stop thinking of how you feel about all this and find out just why this "friendship" is so bloody important to your wife...given that she is a MARRIED WOMAN!
lil_angel Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 i agree w/ Tony T. Theres nothing wrong w/ having a close male friend, but meeting w/o telling you, flirting, suggesting a relationship, there's something going on, whether or not it's physical.
stillafool Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I feel there is nothing wrong with my H having a close female friend as long as she was there before me. After we married I don't think it's appropriate to have close female friends who I don't know. I think if your "gut" feeling tells you something is wrong it usually is. You should tell your wife you do not feel comfortable with her relationship with this guy and you want it to stop. Don't be angry when you tell her. Tell her you read the emails and were hurt by their content. Be honest. If she loves you she will cease.
Blind Illusion Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I'm usually one that says to follow one's gut feelings. I would agree with the others regarding the flirtatious nature of things being not such a good sign. The only thing I wonder is if this person was ever in a relationship with your wife before. You mention that they were childhood friends. I can't see knowing someone for years & years and then suddenly, I think of them in a romantic context. Stranger things have happened though. Is that what happened here.
jmargel Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 There is a fine line you should not cross. I've been married almost two years and last year an old HS friend crossed paths with me. She emails me a few times a week and texts. Although I tell my wife everytime and she is cool with it (at least so she says). Her husband knows as well and actually wanted me to come down there & take her out so he could have time alone to paint the house.. lol We don't keep it a secret and she's never been flirtatious in any emails (though she did call me 'baby' once) which kinda caught me off-guard. Any how if I felt things were going to get any further I would end it. Though I guess that's where alot of people don't realize how far they are into something until it's too late. That is why my wife knows everytime I talk to her. She is attractive and would admit I probably would date her if I was single but my point in talking to her isn't about trying to hook up or test the waters. Your husband probably feels a little bit of an ego stroke or a feeling of being wanted, which in itself is not bad. However he needs to be 100% honest with you in it all. He hasn't and your gut intinct usually doesn't lie about things. I believe it's time to pull the reigns in a little bit and tell him it hurts you on what has been going on. Don't try to tell him what he has to do but let him know about YOUR feelings. He will then make the decision on his own, hopefully to at least not have as much contact with this woman as he has.
whichwayisup Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Why not ask her how she would feel if SHE had stumbled across suggestive emails of yours, talking to an old female friend...Ask her if SHE would be jealous and hurt if you had gone to lunch afew times and didn't mention it. I'm betting she would be extremely jealous and feel the need to ask you all sorts of questions. Is he married as well? If so, why not have him and his wife come for dinner.
Bryanp Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 This is totally inappropriate flirting and talking about being intimate. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be so understanding as you? You have caught her bull****ting to you, talking about being attracted to each other, talking about being in a relationship and being intimate if they had met each other under different circumstances. Do you need to have piano fall on your head to understand how inappropriate this is? Your wife is disrespecting you. A married women should not be engaging in this type of conversation. I suggest a keylogger be put on your computer. She sees this guy without telling you until after the fact for lunches? My guess is if you put a keylogger on the computer you will find out more that will make you upset. This is unacceptable. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.
Mz. Pixie Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 I feel there is nothing wrong with my H having a close female friend as long as she was there before me. After we married I don't think it's appropriate to have close female friends who I don't know. I think if your "gut" feeling tells you something is wrong it usually is. You should tell your wife you do not feel comfortable with her relationship with this guy and you want it to stop. Don't be angry when you tell her. Tell her you read the emails and were hurt by their content. Be honest. If she loves you she will cease. This is how I feel as well. Except for the fact that daily contact would raise my hackles. My husband has friends from college that are female but he only talks to them around four times a year. They DO NOT go to lunch or text each other. That would be totally inappropriate and something I would consider crossing the line. Where there is smoke, there is fire. So, keep that in mind. She is going to try and say you're being jealous or too controlling or that she's allowed to have friends. To quote someone on the board- I think Res Dog- tell her- Yes, you are- if you want to continue to be my friend you will quit contacting this person. You have 24 hours to make a decision. The bottom line is you're uncomfortable with the contact. If she will choose him over you then you have your answer because no one would choose a friend over their marriage.
wanttoknow Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 Hey, I posted a thread in the marriage and long-term section like this one. My wife has been spending a lot of time counseling a divorced man. It is still ongoing, and although we have talked about it, it is still uncomfortable and that is the same here. I know they have known each other for a long time, but it seems like there is too much time being spent in her relationship with this other man. I do not see the need for it to be an everyday thing, no matter what the situation might be. I am quite biased right now due to the similar nature I have had here. I feel most of the time that it is stupid jealousy, but at the same time do not know why my stomache turns so much when I start thinking about it. Keep the talking going - it is the only way that it will be settled or at least settled down for you!
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