Boyfriend HATES my father because....

[cutegirl]

Cutegirl, did it ever occur to you that you may be clinging onto this man because your father deserted you as a teen? You being afraid to let him go has a direct correlation to your parent's divorce, IMO.

 

My father didn't desert me, I moved to another country.

 

Before I lived with my bf I was alone for a long time, I was single for around 6 years or so. I only had two boyfriends my whole life and it's hard for me to trust people. I don't think this has anything to do with my childhood but just general observations of men cheating, I think that most men cheat. It even said so in the Kinsey study that more than 50 percent of men cheat, I don't recall the exact percentage but it was quite high. I know that my bf is faithful, but he is very eccentric, and I'm starting to think that it takes someone who is "eccentric" and a bit weird in order to be faithful, because the majority of men who are easygoing and more relaxed aren't. Not ALL men, but most.

 

I also recall being miserable by myself too because I was lonely, at least this way I have someone to spend time with.

[norajane]

Basically just someone to be with me and talk to me and do things with me. Even if he is an emotional basket case it comforts me to have him with me because I'm attached to him.

 

Have you considered that you can do better? That you can be with someone who treats you with respect and affection, rather than constantly being pissed off because someone looks at him the wrong way? Someone who can support you emotionally when you need it, rather than you needing to take care of his neuroses? Someone who will comfort you by giving and showing love, rather than someone who yells at you because you speak to your father? Someone who won't think you are betraying him just because you accepted a compliment from your father?

[cutegirl]

Cutegirl, did it ever occur to you that you may be clinging onto this man because your father deserted you as a teen? You being afraid to let him go has a direct relation to your parent's divorce, IMO.

 

Also, I really don't think it had anything to do with my parents divorce. I think it has to do with the fact that I was MORE lonely and miserable when I was single before him, for many many many years. I think it is better now than it was before when I was by myself for so long, even though he is neurotic or whatever.

[amaysngrace]

I also recall being miserable by myself too because I was lonely, at least this way I have someone to spend time with.

 

Sweetie, this thinking is unhealthy. I use to hook up with all the wrong guys, but then I came to the realization that I'm better off alone than in bad company.

[cutegirl]

Have you considered that you can do better? That you can be with someone who treats you with respect and affection, rather than constantly being pissed off because someone looks at him the wrong way? Someone who can support you emotionally when you need it, rather than you needing to take care of his neuroses? Someone who will comfort you by giving and showing love, rather than someone who yells at you because you speak to your father? Someone who won't think you are betraying him just because you accepted a compliment from your father?

 

Well, I don't think he can't help his neuroses so he's not really at fault. It's more like a disease, he probably can't control it, it's somehow imbedded in his behaviour, so I don't want to bame or punish him for something he can't control.

 

I'm sure he's not intentionally malicious and I know he cares about me a lot.

 

I already know where the insecurity comes from. His very first girlfriend that he had cheated on him and slept with his best friend. I really think that's what made him insecure. He even said so, that he didn't protect her enough so that's why she strayed. It's really a long time ago, he was only 16 at the time, but after that he didn't have a girlfriend again until he was 24. I'm best friends with sister since high school so she told me everything about his past.

 

Anyways, I'm sure that's the reason why he's like that so it's not like he can be blamed for it. I'm positive that's the explanation for his behavior and insecurity.

[amaysngrace]

Well, I don't think he can't help his neuroses so he's not really at fault.

 

I already know where the insecurity comes from. His very first girlfriend that he had cheated on him and slept with his best friend.

 

I'm positive that's the explanation for his behavior and insecurity.

 

But why should you have to pay the price for someone else's bad behavior? His ex-girlfriend wronged him and he's holding you to blame.

 

Unless he gets help for whatever mental ailment he has, this is how it's going to be. It won't magically disappear, you know?

[cutegirl]

But why should you have to pay the price for someone else's bad behavior? His ex-girlfriend wronged him and he's holding you to blame.

 

Unless he gets help for whatever mental ailment he has, this is how it's going to be. It won't magically disappear, you know?

 

Yea that's true. His sister hooked us up, cause she knows we're both phobic about being cheated and we are both somewhat neurotic and insecure.

 

I'm gonna be honest, I'm insecure too. I could never date a guy that has lots of female friends and goes out clubbing all the time because I'm too insecure and neurotic myself. My bf is the same way I think, but I think he's MORE neurotic than me because I'm not THAT neurotic, I really don't care if he associates with his parents. So now we have two somewhat neurotic insecure people together. I don't know why she thought that would be a good idea but I guess she did.

 

I probably have co-dependent problems too, I think that's what you call it, when you like to take care of someone. Cause I know I kind of like to take care of him, I could never kick him out because I'm afraid he might not make it or struggle or something. I kind of feel like he's my child. I know that sounds gross but I feel like I have to "take care" of him. I don't know why but I just feel that way. That's also why I don't want kids cause in a way I already have one, my bf... lol

[cutegirl]

Holy crap, overreaction. "What more could you ask for?" is just a saying -- it is a compliment.

 

 

Yes this is what I thought too, it's a literary saying, nothing more than a figure of speech, but if you read every single word literally : WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR" and emphasize "MORE" I guess you could get a different meaning? As in there could be MORE out there?

 

Figures of speech are not to be taken literally I think.

[norajane]

Yea that's true. His sister hooked us up, cause she knows we're both phobic about being cheated and we are both somewhat neurotic and insecure.

 

I'm gonna be honest, I'm insecure too. I could never date a guy that has lots of female friends and goes out clubbing all the time because I'm too insecure and neurotic myself. My bf is the same way I think, but I think he's MORE neurotic than me because I'm not THAT neurotic, I really don't care if he associates with his parents. So now we have two somewhat neurotic insecure people together. I don't know why she thought that would be a good idea but I guess she did.

 

I probably have co-dependent problems too, I think that's what you call it, when you like to take care of someone. Cause I know I kind of like to take care of him, I could never kick him out because I'm afraid he might not make it or struggle or something. I kind of feel like he's my child. I know that sounds gross but I feel like I have to "take care" of him. I don't know why but I just feel that way. That's also why I don't want kids cause in a way I already have one, my bf... lol

 

Have BOTH of you considered going to therapy? Because I just read in another thread that you sometimes push him when you're frustrated or angry, and he sometimes hits you lightly. These are not healthy behaviors for either of you, and when added to the other issues you have, it sounds like things are just going to get worse between you.

 

Therapy for both of you might be money well spent.

[wing81]

Yes, cheating happens and people get hurt by other people. That is a part of life and it is a chance to learn from the past to help make for a better decisions in the future. Also, I believe you can't be happy with some one until you are happy without anyone. Sound like you need some time to learn more about yourself without having to deal with taking care of others. You can be surprised what you discover. You don't need a boyfriend for an emotional companioship, friends and family can provide those same needs.

[cutegirl]

Have BOTH of you considered going to therapy? Because I just read in another thread that you sometimes push him when you're frustrated or angry, and he sometimes hits you lightly. These are not healthy behaviors for either of you, and when added to the other issues you have, it sounds like things are just going to get worse between you.

 

Therapy for both of you might be money well spent.

 

My bf would never go to therapy. I asked him and he said he doesn't sit and listen to other people lecture him but instead he is the one who lectures. He says he would probably have to lecture the therapist and tell him/her what's up.

 

My bf is always making snide remarks like "why don't you go F your father", "Do you like to ride and hop your father's (four letter word). I don't know if your allowed to say four-letter words on here...

 

But anyways, he's always mocking me and telling me how I wanna have sex with my father and how me and my father are "conspiring" against him.

 

No, he doesn't have a sick obsession with incest or anything, I think he's just pissed because I took my father's side over him by telling him he exaggerated so now he's always telling me to go "do my father" and "suck him off" and then he moans and pretends he's me riding my father...

 

Well, I'm naturally a pretty crude person and I don't mind using foul language or saying dirty things, but I still find him constantly saying stuff like that really disrespectful. And it doesn't go on for a little bit but for hours.

 

He said you ALWAYS pick your significant partner over your family, if your family says anything cross against your significant other, you are supposed to tell your family to F off. He said he would do the same and that I messed up by not defending him against my father.

[cutegirl]

Y Also, I believe you can't be happy with some one until you are happy without anyone. Sound like you need some time to learn more about yourself without having to deal with taking care of others. You can be surprised what you discover. You don't need a boyfriend for an emotional companioship, friends and family can provide those same needs.

 

I've been alone before, before my bf I went for 7 years with no relationship, no dating, no kissing, no sex. I was basically celibate, so I know all about being alone.

 

Also, I am not really close with my family. My father lives in another country and I don't talk to my mother or anyone else in the family. I also don't have much friends really.

 

So basically I have no one. Sometimes I feel like if my boyfriend left me and if something were to happen to me, like if I were to get sick and die, no one would probably find me for weeks or months because I don't really have anyone else.

[cutegirl]

And my bf claims that if I were to ask any random person out there, like a linguist, they would agree that my father's saying of "What more do you want" is derogatory towards him.

 

I told him I was bored and asked on this relationship forum already and that most people agreed with me. And then he said "What kind of people are these, are they PHD's"? "Who owns this website? What are they advertising"

 

So obviously as you can see he is very stubborn, and absolutely refuses counseling. He thinks that he doesn't need any and it's a complete waste of time. And most likely he would really get in a fight with the counselor too, because he's really hard to get along with. For example if the counselor wasn't super excited to meet him and and super polite, he would probably think the counselor was unprofessional. Either way, he's the type to think that he knows everything already and he would never sit down to listen to anyone.

 

It's just very annoying to hear all the time him mocking me about me supposedly wanting to suck my father off or have sex with me just because I thought he didn't mean any harm by his statement. Now my bf likes to torture me by saying stuff like "I love to ride my father... I love to suck him off..." and a lot more....

[insomnie]

Is he still angry about the comment?! It's been like a month....

 

He sounds like a total nutjob to me to be honest. The comments he is making about you and your father are TOTALLY inappropriate. I don't think many women would let themselves be disrespected like that. I don't like to judge other people's relationships, usually, but I really think you need to reevaluate your standards, because you are obviosuly dealing with someone who not only needs help, but is too stuborn to even entertain the possibility of getting it.

 

And as for the significant other over family philosophy....what are his supporting arguments? Because the way I see it, your significant other is someone you are trying to GROW into a family with, with all the commitment and unconditional support that defines family. So, by definition, your already-estabilished family is closer, and you owe them more allegiance than someone who, presently, is occupying more or less a disposable role.

[cutegirl]

Is he still angry about the comment?! It's been like a month....

 

He sounds like a total nutjob to me to be honest. The comments he is making about you and your father are TOTALLY inappropriate. I don't think many women would let themselves be disrespected like that. I don't like to judge other people's relationships, usually, but I really think you need to reevaluate your standards, because you are obviosuly dealing with someone who not only needs help, but is too stuborn to even entertain the possibility of getting it.

 

And as for the significant other over family philosophy....what are his supporting arguments? Because the way I see it, your significant other is someone you are trying to GROW into a family with, with all the commitment and unconditional support that defines family. So, by definition, your already-estabilished family is closer, and you owe them more allegiance than someone who, presently, is occupying more or less a disposable role.

 

Actually its been over a year already, it happened last summer.

[cutegirl]

Is he still angry about the comment?! It's been like a month....

 

He sounds like a total nutjob to me to be honest. The comments he is making about you and your father are TOTALLY inappropriate. I don't think many women would let themselves be disrespected like that. I don't like to judge other people's relationships, usually, but I really think you need to reevaluate your standards, because you are obviosuly dealing with someone who not only needs help, but is too stuborn to even entertain the possibility of getting it.

 

And as for the significant other over family philosophy....what are his supporting arguments? Because the way I see it, your significant other is someone you are trying to GROW into a family with, with all the commitment and unconditional support that defines family. So, by definition, your already-estabilished family is closer, and you owe them more allegiance than someone who, presently, is occupying more or less a disposable role.

 

My boyfriend's supporting argument for putting each other before family is that when we first met I told my bf that I was not close to my family. So my boyfriend feels that I sort of betrayed him by changing and taking my father's side.

 

He himself isn't close to his family. He just likes it when there isn't too much or any family involvement because he thinks they can influence us and our relationship.

 

He believes that in a relationship you always put each other first no matter what.

[Fritz]

Also, I really don't think it had anything to do with my parents divorce. I think it has to do with the fact that I was MORE lonely and miserable when I was single before him, for many many many years. I think it is better now than it was before when I was by myself for so long, even though he is neurotic or whatever.

 

As someone who has had similar experiences re being alone/single I find that a bad attitude to have. Don't be afraid to move on if your boyfriend is causing that much strife in your life and making you unhappy (folks are supposed to be happy influences on one's life). You don't need someone in your life to be happy. Well, ok some people have that personality I suppose.

 

Anyway, if you're not overstating the issues, your bf sounds just a tad wacko. Seriously, one possibly bad statement and he won't go with you to visit your father? Puhlease. Try dealing with step-parents whom your parents really care for but you don't get along with too well.

[cutegirl]

As someone who has had similar experiences re being alone/single I find that a bad attitude to have. Don't be afraid to move on if your boyfriend is causing that much strife in your life and making you unhappy (folks are supposed to be happy influences on one's life). You don't need someone in your life to be happy. Well, ok some people have that personality I suppose.

 

Anyway, if you're not overstating the issues, your bf sounds just a tad wacko. Seriously, one possibly bad statement and he won't go with you to visit your father? Puhlease. Try dealing with step-parents whom your parents really care for but you don't get along with too well.

 

I'm not overstating the issues, he says my father is not welcome in the house and when he was angry he said he might be violent with my father because he considers him an enemy and anyone who is one is not welcome in the house (technically it's my place though cause I pay all the bills).

 

He's not GOING to be violent towards my father though cause he lives in another country and most likely won't even be visiting me again so it's not an issue, but in general my bf has anger management problem and I know he is whacko and jealous in other ways too.