Boyfriend HATES my father because....

[cutegirl]

My parents are divorced and my dad live in Europe. I'm 28 and didn't see my father for a long time, he came to visit me last year. My father came over and talked to my bf (we live together). My dad said to my bf "Look at her, isn't she beautiful, what MORE could you want?" and my bf got EXTREMELY offended about this. He didn't say anything derogatory back to my father at the time, but he kept it inside and is still mad to this day (a yr later).

 

He says that my father is implying that he is unfaithful or looking for other girls because he said "what MORE do you want". He says my father is judging him without even knowing him and that he is extremely offended and does not want to go to Europe with me to visit my father or anything of the sort. It's been a year since this happened and my bf still brings it up. When we get in fights he will say stuff like (I would use the "F" word but I don't know if you can say it on here) "F your father!". My father didn't say it in a mean way, I think he was just trying to make conversation.

 

He claims that I was wrong because I didn't protect him from my father. I was never close to my father really because we moved to the US when I was 12 and my mother raised me, so my dad didn't raise me through my teen years. My bf felt like I should have told my dad off like "Who are YOU to talk to my bf in that way," because I've been closer to my bf than with my own dad so I was supposed to be on his side and not defend my father.

 

My dad is an alcoholic and a bit out of it now so I don't think he was really being malicious when he said that, I think he didn't realize how sensitive my bf was, he probably won't even remember saying that because it was almost a year ago.

 

Does my bf have a point? When we get in fights he brings it up often (and this happened last summer) and will say that I pick my family over him and that I'm supposed to put him first...

[westernxer]

I think your boyfriend is acting like an idiot.

 

Is he still a child?

[cutegirl]

No, he is 25. He just feels like we should put each other first over our families. He doesn't talk to his family at all. I don't get along with my mother and don't talk to her either, but I get along with my father more. I don't really know why, but probably because he isn't as nosy/protective as she is and let's me do my own thing.

 

So from a man's perspective you don't feel like what my dad said was out of line? My bf claimed that when my dad said that I just looked "smug" like I was proud of it or something and that I was wrong for not defending him against my father. He's still giving me crap about it and it happened over a year ago. I feel like he's really exaggerating, I can imagine being mad for a few days, but this happened last summer and I have to hear it all the time.

 

Everytime we get in a fight it's like "F you and your father". I cuss at my bf a lot too so it's not verbal abuse because we just talk like that, we both cuss a lot, but he always has to bring my father into it.

[HokeyReligions]

I think anyone who brings up something from the past and uses against someone they claim to love has waaaay more issues than whatever wrong they perceived. Big Red Flag.

 

Relationships should be inclusive not exclusive of family and friends.

[cutegirl]

I think anyone who brings up something from the past and uses against someone they claim to love has waaaay more issues than whatever wrong they perceived. Big Red Flag.

 

Relationships should be inclusive not exclusive of family and friends.

 

I think the reason why he keeps bringing it up is because this problem hasn't been "resolved" yet. I guess we can both agree to disagree.

 

I don't feel that I was wrong for not defending my boyfriend against my father. I don't feel my father had any malicious intent when saying what he did.

 

My boyfriend is still hurt that I didn't protect him from my father. He feels like he can't trust me as much anymore because I didn't stand up for him against my bf and didn't "protect" him. He is still hurt over it.

 

I know my bf is really sensitive, he probably takes this as as bad as "cheating" because I chose something else over him (in his mind). He tells me he feels betrayed because I protected or took someone else's side when we're always supposed to back each other up and not other people.

[Stunner]

Anyone who wants to have you exclude your family is messed up...this guy has real issues. Your father's comment should not have been taken as an insult. I'd drop this guy like a bad habit.

[blind_otter]

There's nothing to resolve. Your BF was being oversensitive.

[BareGoddess]

I agree that there was nothing to defend. What is wrong with your boyfriend? Your father was paying YOU a compliment by saying in essence that you're so wonderful who would want anything more? I would have never taken it the way he did unless I was guilty of something and had a reason to take it that way.

 

Your boyfriend does sound very, very immature. He's a boy, not a man. His reaction should have been to say something along the lines of "Yes, you're so right. She's a wonderful girl and I couldn't ask for anything more. I'm so lucky to have her in my life."

 

What a baby! I wouldn't last two minutes with someone like that. Good luck!

[cutegirl]

I agree that there was nothing to defend. What is wrong with your boyfriend? Your father was paying YOU a compliment by saying in essence that you're so wonderful who would want anything more? I would have never taken it the way he did unless I was guilty of something and had a reason to take it that way.

 

Your boyfriend does sound very, very immature. He's a boy, not a man. His reaction should have been to say something along the lines of "Yes, you're so right. She's a wonderful girl and I couldn't ask for anything more. I'm so lucky to have her in my life."

 

What a baby! I wouldn't last two minutes with someone like that. Good luck!

 

Yea I agree with you. I don't know really what's wrong with my boyfriend, he just says that my father doesn't know anything about him to even dare insinuate that there's the possibility that he might want anything more at all period.

 

And he didn't like my father's tone with him, even though my father wasn't rude and shook his hand and said hello and all that. I think he expected my father to be OVERLY happy and eager to meet him and be like "Wow it's SOOO nice to meet you". He claims my father was just more neutral kind of like a "whatever" nonchalant attitude and not friendly enough for his liking. He claims my father just walked in like he thinks he's "the man" or whatever and my bf said to me "who does he think he is to come here and talk to me like that after he didn't raise your for 10 years?"

 

And he's mad at me because I didn't even notice the "slight" at the time. I didn't realize that my bf could have gotten mad about something so insignificant, and thus my boyfriend is mad at me that I didn't notice it at the time in order to say something back to my father. He feels like I didn't "protect" him from my family and let him get insulted.

 

He was also mad because I didn't tell him beforehand that my father was coming to the house. I forget to tell him because it was last minute plus I didn't feel like I had to because I pay all the rent and all the bills so it's more "my house", even though we live together. I didn't feel like I had to ask permission to bring over my father to my place (especially since I pay for everything). And my bf told me that it didn't matter, since we live together I should have told him first.

 

He usually never brings anyone to the house either. He doesn't like anyone coming over so we never do have guests over, that was the first time that I did and he flipped out on me. It was all that combined plus my father not greeting him "proper" enough in his mind, and his insult (in his mind) that sent him over the edge. My bf is very sensitive about the way people greet him or talk to him, for example if it's a service worker/employee who doesn't smile at him or greet him enthusiastically enough he really has a cow over it.

[BareGoddess]

He sounds very insecure and very controlling. Why do you allow this kind of treatment from him? He's wrong. You've done nothing wrong.

[lil_angel]

you pay the rent and all the bills, he lives there, wont les you have guests over, and gets slighted when your father calls you beautiful? im sorry, you need to dump him. he is doing nothing but using you and controlling you, and you're giving him a free place to live, and if you live together im guessing you're sleeping together, thus giving him sex whenever also. and who says your families arent involved? if you're in a relationshiop w/ someone you take their family too. not saying you ahve to love their whole family or listen to their every opinion or break up if they dont like you or whatever, but you accept them as they are and include them in your lives, or at least be open to including them. if he's bringing up one comment your father made a year ago, which ppl r right was not even offensive, and using it in every argument, he has issues.

[wing81]

Something sounds funny about your boyfriend. He does sound immature, insecure and over sensitive but I think it is more than that. It sounds like your father was very polite, friendly and respectful towards your boyfriend, especially for a first meeting. I don’t know anybody that can take a compliment about their significant other and turn it into an insult against them. And to immediately assume that your father was implying that he is cheating without any kind of provocation might raise some red flags. Does he tend to be very secretive about things he does without you? Good luck.

[amerikajin]

This boyfriend of yours because he sounds like the kind of guy who is extremely insecure and becomes controlling.

[norajane]

you pay the rent and all the bills, he lives there, wont les you have guests over, and gets slighted when your father calls you beautiful? im sorry, you need to dump him. he is doing nothing but using you and controlling you, and you're giving him a free place to live, and if you live together im guessing you're sleeping together, thus giving him sex whenever also. and who says your families arent involved? if you're in a relationshiop w/ someone you take their family too. not saying you ahve to love their whole family or listen to their every opinion or break up if they dont like you or whatever, but you accept them as they are and include them in your lives, or at least be open to including them. if he's bringing up one comment your father made a year ago, which ppl r right was not even offensive, and using it in every argument, he has issues.

 

Exactly.

 

This guy has MAJOR issues, and sounds like a misery to be with. Why are you with him?

[Vertex]

Holy crap, overreaction. "What more could you ask for?" is just a saying -- it is a compliment.

[cutegirl]

Something sounds funny about your boyfriend. He does sound immature, insecure and over sensitive but I think it is more than that. It sounds like your father was very polite, friendly and respectful towards your boyfriend, especially for a first meeting. I don’t know anybody that can take a compliment about their significant other and turn it into an insult against them. And to immediately assume that your father was implying that he is cheating without any kind of provocation might raise some red flags. Does he tend to be very secretive about things he does without you? Good luck.

 

No he's not secretive at all. I trust him. He is just oversensitive about people in general not just my father, it's a personality trait.

 

I don't think it raises red flags because that's just how he is. For example if someone doesn't greet him right in a restaurant or whatever he'll just walk out, like if they don't look happy to see them. It's just how he is.

[BareGoddess]

No he's not secretive at all. I trust him. He is just oversensitive about people in general not just my father, it's a personality trait.

 

I don't think it raises red flags because that's just how he is. For example if someone doesn't greet him right in a restaurant or whatever he'll just walk out, like if they don't look happy to see them. It's just how he is.

 

And you want to spend the rest of your life with a guy like this because....?

[cutegirl]

you pay the rent and all the bills, he lives there, wont les you have guests over, and gets slighted when your father calls you beautiful? im sorry, you need to dump him. he is doing nothing but using you and controlling you, and you're giving him a free place to live, and if you live together im guessing you're sleeping together, thus giving him sex whenever also. and who says your families arent involved? if you're in a relationshiop w/ someone you take their family too. not saying you ahve to love their whole family or listen to their every opinion or break up if they dont like you or whatever, but you accept them as they are and include them in your lives, or at least be open to including them. if he's bringing up one comment your father made a year ago, which ppl r right was not even offensive, and using it in every argument, he has issues.

 

Sometimes he pays a small part of the rent and sometimes none, but not all the time. Well, that's a different issue but he doesn't make a lot of money and I make a lot more than he does so it's not in proportionate to his income to pay half of the bills. Half of the rent would be around half his income (and that's not including the bills, just rent) while the full rent is less than 1/10th my income. He can't pay for half the rent and half the bills cause that would be his entire income and he would have nothing left. I'm not a gold digger so I don't need a man to provide for me, I can provide for myself. I don't mind making more than a man and I don't need a guy to take care of me.

 

About the family thing, he thinks I went back on my word because when we first met I wasn't talking to my family really. I only started talking to my father a year or so into our relationship, so in my bf's eyes I did a 360. In the beginning I told him I didn't really want to associate much with my family because that's how it felt at the time. I'm still not close to my family anyways, but I guess my bf doesn't like the thought if if I WAS close to my family.

 

Yes, I do know that's weird and dysfunctional and probably not very healthy, but I can't help it, it's the relationship I'm in right now and for the moment I can live with it I guess.

[cutegirl]

And you want to spend the rest of your life with a guy like this because....?

 

Because I'm used to him and would rather be in a semi miserable relationship than be all alone in the world with nothing and no one because I would be even more miserable on my own than with him. And I accept full responsibility for whatever comes my way because of my decisions, I know it's all on me, and I know I chose it that way.

[BareGoddess]

Because I'm used to him and would rather be in a semi miserable relationship than be all alone in the world with nothing and no one because I would be even more miserable on my own than with him. And I accept full responsibility for whatever comes my way because of my decisions, I know it's all on me, and I know I chose it that way.

 

That's very sad Cutegirl. You seem too smart for that kind of thinking. Sounds to me like you can do a lot better than this insecure boy you're with now.

[lil_angel]

so first you say you dont need a guy then you say w/o one you'd be all alone in the world and miserable b/c you'd be single?

[cutegirl]

so first you say you dont need a guy then you say w/o one you'd be all alone in the world and miserable b/c you'd be single?

 

I meant I don't need a guy to financially provide for me, because you mentioned the paying rent part. I can pay for everything myself. I just need the guy for emotional companionship.

 

Where did I state that I didn't need a guy? I wrote "I'm not a gold digger so I don't need a man to provide for me, I can provide for myself. I don't mind making more than a man and I don't need a guy to take care of me."

 

If you read both statements you can infer that "don't need a guy to take care of me" refers to providing financially.

[norajane]

I meant I don't need a guy to financially provide for me, because you mentioned the paying rent part. I can pay for everything myself. I just need the guy for emotional companionship.

 

And what kind of emotional companionship is he providing you? He sounds like an emotional basket-case in need of serious therapy.

[cutegirl]

And what kind of emotional companionship is he providing you? He sounds like an emotional basket-case in need of serious therapy.

 

Basically just someone to be with me and talk to me and do things with me. Even if he is an emotional basket case it comforts me to have him with me because I'm attached to him.

[amaysngrace]

Cutegirl, did it ever occur to you that you may be clinging onto this man because your father deserted you as a teen? You being afraid to let him go has a direct relation to your parent's divorce, IMO.