silktricks Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 So. . . I've read (and posted) a lot on this forum. By far most of the OW say they've been heavily pursued by the MM. Some of the MM who have posted here (and there have been a couple, though few) say they were pursued by the OW. (And of course all BS say the OW is the pursuer, but let's not even go there.) Is it possible not probable, but possible that at least some of the MM who have affairs feel that they are being pursued, at the same time that the OW feel they are being pursued? Could it be possible that something that women do indicates to men that we are available? Could it then be possible that the men make a leap from available to pursuing? I know that when I was single, men would come on to me, both married and single men. The man I was dating at the time would get furious, saying that I was coming on to the men. I didn't feel that I was doing anything other than being friendly, but now, after reading everybody's thoughts and pain, I'm wondering if he didn't see something that I wasn't even aware that I was doing? (And no, he wasn't a crazy jealous man.) So, what does everybody think? (I am particularly curious about what any men think, because like most women I don't understand you guys all that well.)
stoopid_guy Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 Is it possible not probable, but possible that at least some of the MM who have affairs feel that they are being pursued, at the same time that the OW feel they are being pursued? Anything's possible, and I know there are women out there who will pursue married men (for various reasons.) Isn't mutual pursuit/admiration the ideal? What's also possible (and I suspect much more common) is that a married man will mis-interpret friendship as pursuit. Something else I've found since being married is that some women will be more comfortable around me because they don't expect to be pursued.
Walking away Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 I was sitting at the airport in Las Vegas waiting for my flight to board. I was happy, relaxed and BY MYSELF. Life was wonderful for me. I had just celebrated my 40th birthday with friends and I knew that the best was yet to come for me. A very tall, attractive man struck up an iinocent conversation with me. We boarded the plane. He in first class, me in coach. After we arrived, I went to the restroom. As I was walking to my gate, someone tapped me on the shoulder, handed me his business card, and told me to keep in touch. I was starting my business, so two weeks later, I called him. He is a business consultant. I honestly thought he could help me with the start up of the business. (Which, btw, he did.) We spoke on the phone about business. He asked my marital status. I asked his. He lied. And from that moment on, the chase was on with him. Never once did I call him...I am one of those old fashioned girls that believe that if a man wants you, he will call you. And call he did. And write. And visited. And showered me with gifts. And flew me to meet him. And I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world to find such an attentive, romantic man.... No, I didn't EVER pursue him. I didn't need to. He pursued enough for the both of us. I don't think I put out any "vibe." He said that from the moment he saw me, he just couldn't let me walk out of his life. He said that I was "special." Yeah, I am special. He's right. But it still didn't give him any right to pursue me when he wasn't available to do so. I think men see what they want, and they go after it. Simple as that. I don't believe that there are certain vibes that a woman puts out to attract men. If you are attractive and happy, I believe that you will attract all types of guys. The good AND the bad. That is just life.
UnknowingOW Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 I was laying in out sunbathing in a pool when MM came up to me and we struckup a 2.5 hour conversation. Martial status was asked on both sideds, and both sides said divorced. I said to him, why don't we hang out sometime. He provided me with his business card. Weeks late I called him to see a concert. He couldn't go, but asked me out that night and every night there after that until I moved. He was the first to say "I love you." And the first to walk away. Over the years I requested meeting, but our work never permitted it. He came to my hometown and pursued me, but I held back and did not give in to full blown sex. Months later we both agreed and we had the greatest weekend of my life. A month after that I found out he was married and currently separated. This relationship has been going on for 5-years. To many emotions are now involved on my side and am struggling to move on.
alfagrl Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 [quote=stoopid_guy;856378 Something else I've found since being married is that some women will be more comfortable around me because they don't expect to be pursued. I think this is an interesting statment because I never thought twice about being to friendly, the need holding back my expressive manerisms, or having an open conversations around a married man because I don't expect them to be interested in that way. When I meet a mm/in a relationship he is automatically catagorized in my head as unavailable and I treat him as a such. I feel I can be myself and communicate w/ him as I would with a buddy. I figure they've found what they are looking for & no longer looking. Boy did stories on this site and my own personal experience open my eyes. Like my x-mm said..."I'm getting married, NOT dying."
Author silktricks Posted July 15, 2006 Author Posted July 15, 2006 WA & UKOW, I didn't mean that every single case was "the woman was putting out vibes and didn't know it", I did mean something more like what SG said, "What's also possible (and I suspect much more common) is that a married man will mis-interpret friendship as pursuit" I think it's very possible that some MM do interpret things that women do unconsciously as a come-on. I'm NOT saying that it's the woman's fault, but rather a miscommunication based on the ways the two sexes communicate.
stoopid_guy Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 I think it's very possible that some MM do interpret things that women do unconsciously as a come-on. But it only happens if the guy is a "player" or is in an unhappy relationship. I've always been a shameless flirt (even say "hi sthud" to male co-workers sometimes) but never took it seriously until untill my marriage went down the tubes, and even then not until one very specific lady.
My_Other_I Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 Yes, it is possible (and probable). I know it happens. It wasn't my case, even though I made the first move. He lied at first about his M status and then he was pursuing me (I gave in:rolleyes: ).
newbby Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 mm flirted with me, as i have since seen him do with other women. i am sure it is the way he is. sometime a little later i flirted back. it was a small thing, just a flirtatious look and smile. i wanted an ego boost, at the moment of the flirting, but i didnt expect what came next which was a full on heavy pursuit. non stop calling at my house with flimsy reasons for months on end. tears in his eyes if i did not speak to him, which i often did not as i was very worried about his behaviour. so i think it is possible in my case that mm read more into my flirting than the average man or the single man or the happy man. it is quite possible that each will read more into the others flirting than was intended. i think generally men are more likely to read more into it, but of course there are women who do this too.
RealityCheck Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 SilkTricks... I my case, it was plain and simple chemistry! Not one leading the other. It was a natural, mutual attraction.
lovernotafighter Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 SilkTricks... I my case, it was plain and simple chemistry! Not one leading the other. It was a natural, mutual attraction.mine to..it was over whelming..we followed each other around then would hold back,then come after each other..we were very shark like..
bullhunter Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 It also happens that the man is a bit of a flirt - the woman sees this as a come on and makes assumptions. Or the woman is a player, and the man is naive. Mix that up with illness induced depression and you can have a lethal package.
stillhere Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 This is what i've noticed about some men..........if you have a very outgoing, upbeat personality, some men seem to think you are flirting with them, when in fact, you are only being friendly. Apparently, this is me. My MM has become upset with me a few times because he said i must be bored with him because i'm flirting with other men. I'm not flirting though, and there is where the problem lies. I guess the guys see it as flirting, where i see it as being friendly, and i manage to get myself into odd predicaments. I tell MM, when i'm flirting, you will defenitely know it, or at least, i defenitely know it. At my old job, i worked with the public. I was always getting flowers, money, cards, you name it. Some of it was from single men, some of it was from married men. I never understood it.........it was my job to be nice to people. So to somewhat answer the question, in my case, it is me i guess. I give out a vibe that i'm interested, when i most certainly am not. With my MM, i was interested, and i let him know it. But with many others, i'm just being my happy normal self.
Blind Illusion Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 Such an interesting question, Silk. I'm not really sure how to reply. I'm not sure where exactly the line is from just being a friendly, open person (to people, in general, not just the opposite sex) & giving off vibes to another that they are "available" & receptive towards them.
mopar crazy Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 I think most MM do the persuing of the OW in general. In my situation on the other hand, the OW did the persuing of my H. I do believe that both A partners can do the persuing at the same time.
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