what am i doing wrong?

[lonepearl]

have been away from the comptuer for a bit so didn't get time to respond!

 

I think that you are maybe denying your "Gut feeling" as you clearly have so much invested emotionally in this relationship....That said it seems as if your relationship consists of 1 year of happiness and 3 years of pain and disatisfaction. That makes it unsucessfull for 75% of the time over a period of four years.

 

As i mentioned in another post below, i am yet to explore re what reasons are we both staying together for...so lets see where that goes

re number of years of happiness etc..to be honest, i took all as part of the relationship and was happy until only last year...for me all that happened good or bad in the relationship was all part and parcel of growing in a relationship together. It wasn't until i started to hear about what he had been saying about me to his friends and what they thought of me because of the things he said to them while he never talked to me..thats where the unhappiness began for me..i got depressed that man does he hate me that much? am i really that bad? yes i must be really horrible as a gf to have such a nice person feel so crap around me. i didnt know he was suffering so much being with me until i heard from others! so in terms of happiness, its a 50-50 perhaps?

 

 

Forgive me if I seem harsh but Lone Pearl this is not a good relationship. It is not satisfying either of you. You are only going to become more unhappy. You will end up hurting each other more than you already have. There is no real way forward and you are selling yourself short on every level, which is damaging your self esteem even further. By remaining in the relationship you are colluding with your partner, in his poor treatment of you.

 

i dont contest everything you have said above. just perhaps wanting more info.. and clarification. what would you term a good relationship? just that i have seen a few and most friends who really open up - most relationships have similar issues, perhaps diff levels of it or variations slightly but in the same areas. i thought they wud all be like this in the first few years..and once you grow together...it becomes a good and happy one ...sure there wil be cases where it mostly all clicked nito place day one but.. i guess we are both each others first real relationship so we are merely learning.

 

You talk of unconditional love. Unlike some of the other posters I do believe in unconditional love, however I think on the whole what Humans like to believe is unconditional love actually isn't. Unconditional love needs to be not only entirely selfless, but would need to survive beyond the duration of a relationship. You are attaching a condition to your love for your partner. Your unconditional love is what makes you stay, that isn't unconditional love.

 

sorry was unclear to a condition attached to my love for him? i still love him otherwise i wouldnt be here i merely wanna know what am i doing wrong...and if am not and he is, then how can i help him explore this and grow...

 

"Change is the only constant in the world" this I completely agree with, but in my opinion you are basing all your arguement on a false premise. That is, defining walking away from your relationship as an ending and likening this to a final response like firing someone. It's not an ending it is a change a change in your personal circumstances, you will still be you and you will still be able to feel unconditional love for your partner. He will still exist you may even be able to sustain a friendship. For me one of the biggest challenges in implementing change has always been helping people to recognise an opportunity of change for what it is.

 

i agree. i guess i was being emotional when i wrote that response. i do not see it the end and i do know re change sometimes can be about walking away. however, i still havent fully discovered whether i am not doing anything wrong or not and hence for me leavin would add to my mountain of unresolved issues ... so will explore further and see where it leads. i believe we only stay in a relationship as long as we are meant to and the same as when its time to die it is time to die... so if i leave then it will be because it was meant to be..and if i stay that waas meant to be...diff journeys and learnings in each!

 

I think in your determination to make the relationship work you are in truth just resisting change, which is a problem for most people who find themselves trapped in what could be described as an abusive relationship.

 

not determined to make it work but just making sure i am not the cause of all the effects that are bothering me

[lonepearl]

Terrific post, Slayer!

 

The part about friendship, though, is where I see the biggest problem in this relationship. The boyfriend here is not being lonepearl's friend in any way that I can see from what she's posted. They don't have a friendship now - he is not acting like a friend, certainly not a close friend, but also not any kind of friend. Friends don't put each other down and abuse their feelings and take advantage of their generosity and kindness, or take advantage of their insecurities and fears.

 

Lonepearl, I'm sure if you could step back and be more objective, you would see this yourself. Do ANY of the people who are your true friends treat you remotely like your boyfriend does? Do they make you feel bad about yourself like he does? Do you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells around them, or that you are always doing something wrong? I'm betting that you don't. I'm betting that they support you and celebrate your successes with you.

 

when we started out, we were each othes best friends..and that is why the relationship was good and strong with good communication. But then it changed - since esp. his new best friend came into the picture. now he talks to him about everything that might be wrong with his life and our relationship! i wish he was the gf and i the friend! interestingly, his best friend treats him like you said - takes adavntage etc....but my partner is naive and trusts him...but lately he is slowly beginning to realise that his friend has lied to him about a lot of things...perhaps his eyes will open up? i mean he has changed in that since hes been back. he spends mroe time with me than him.doesnt tell him that much but confides in me more. wont ditch me if hes planned to take me out for him when asked to even if he gets called a loser / 'grow some b*lls' etc. frm his friend...

 

your msg has made me think though - to be fair, he has been nicer - just that perhaps he is like my tummy? - getting better but not completely there and i am already losing it wanting it overnight?...just like him ???? maybe i am guilty of what i am accusing him of?