what am i doing wrong?

[lonepearl]

there are so many issues. but might list them one at a time.

 

i have been with my current partner for 4+ yrs now. when we started giong out, it was all so different. i weighed 65 kgs, was fit, but always had a little protruding belly bump haha. i remember i was so conscious of it that the first time i waas naked infront of him, he even held it and kissed it and said i love every bit of you, even this!

 

after the first 1 and a bit year, he was complaining about everything to do with me. he hated the way i ate sat talked walked everything. he started verbally abusing me every chance he got. i got more and more depressed to the point that i started gaining weight. it wasnt just eating, but my metabolism just collapsed due to the stress of it all. this made him mroe distanced. he stopped talking to me. i grew fatter. he turned to porn rather than me. even when he did make out with me i felt like it was more a "f**K" for his statisfaction than making love or having sex with a partner. that whole year i did not have a single O myself. i just clamped up feelign ugly and conscious of my body. Then he found a new friend where he worked part time. that was the end of it all. i never saw him every single weekend for the next year. i was never taken to any parties - "its just us all boys" when everyone else had their girlfriends and other girls there. i cried every weekend, alone at home. wanting company wanting to spend time with him. to go out and do stuff. and no i didnt expect to spend every weekend with me..but one in 52 weekends would have done. the weekend he did stay home after that year - meant he fought and made me miserable over everything.

his friends thought i was a controlling bi*ch who didnt like coming to the get togethers because i didnt like his friends (thats what he had told them).

he said he wanted to leave back then but i went and messed it all up by having a aneurysm...and so he stayed to look after me. once i waas all stable, after 3.5 yrs of being together - i came home to a note on the table that said "GOODBYE" nothing else. no explanation..

 

long story short, he returned but i still wonder if it is because when he met me later i had lost all the weight i had gained...and is he back because i look phsyically good now or does he actually care about me?

first month or two of him being back were like the good old days. he made a lot of changes and spent more time with me and actually enjoyed my company..showed me off to his friends...the same ones he was embarrased to take me to because i was a fat chick while their girls were slim and sexy.

 

..i had gotten to 95Kgs! Now i am back to 65Kgs but i havent heard a compliment. its still "u cud do better" and our last breakdown a few weeks ago..."my libido is completely down. u know why it is. i find u unattractive physically...because of ur belly...its not flat like it should be." i did tell him, i am thinner right now than when i met him (even though the same weight, my body proportions have gone better and all my clothes from back then are actually loser on me now than ever!!)... i think his eyes have changed. not just me...

 

hes starting to treat me like s*** again. i think its because i havent had sex with him in the last month. the reason i havent had sex? i dont know. since that day when he said stuff re his libido and my still being ugly...somethings snapped inside me. i feel so unattractive that i want to cut myself in two to be beautiful to him and yet i feel no matter how thin iget i wont. i am trying to lose another 10 kgs. i feel so ugly and when people say to me about how gorgeous and attractive i am..i feel weird and as if they are mocking me because i feel so ugly.

 

i just want to know from others who have had soemthing similar happen to them and how they felt and what might resolve this. i have talked to him but it turns into a fight each time because he ends up yelling and fighting and making me feel like s***. everytime i lay next to him my self esteem goes down. in the last 4 yrs of being together he has neither touched, carresseed nor looked at the area below my breasts and above my waist. i cant explain how i feel. that part of my body feels deprived of love and touch. even i dont touch it because it disgusts me .. sometimes i do and i cry....because i want to love me...but i cant because of the eyes that see me (his) see me as ugly...sorry really emotional right now so dont know how to explain anything clearly. more later...

[JadeStar]

Do you all live together? Do you work or have any kind of income? If so, save up some money, dump him and move out. Even if you don't live together still dump him. It seems he is out for himself, and his is abusing and controling with his words and actions towards you. Build up some self esteem and don't be his doormat.

 

 

Jade

[Craig]

Verbal abuse, neglect, unreasonable expectations ("u cud do better"), calling you ugly or fat (when you aren't according to other people)...

 

What are the good things about your relationship?

[lonepearl]

Do you all live together? Do you work or have any kind of income? If so, save up some money, dump him and move out. Even if you don't live together still dump him. It seems he is out for himself, and his is abusing and controling with his words and actions towards you. Build up some self esteem and don't be his doormat.

 

 

Jade

 

Hi Jade. thanks for that. just answers to the above..we do live to together. i work (in fact he is back studying so i am the sole earner for the last 3 years). I work at corporate level so money is no issue. The house we are in is.. mine so moving out would be well.. if it came to that.. would be him..not me.

yeah i know self esteem is a hard one for me because my parents took good care of it. and when i said good i mean f**ked it up real good...

 

but thanks for your advice..

[lonepearl]

Verbal abuse, neglect, unreasonable expectations ("u cud do better"), calling you ugly or fat (when you aren't according to other people)...

 

What are the good things about your relationship?

 

He is there. I have a companion .. most times.. that is, when he's free and available and wants to spend time with me. He has given me more love than anyone ever has...but not lately. lately its one extreme to the other.

 

I am not saying i have no flaws..i am sure i tick him off with my own peculiarities. Its just i feel i am doing something wrong.. you know? hes a really nice person. but i am doing something to him to become so nasty. what am i doing wrong i wonder? i bring out the worse in him. i want to pin point what i am doing wrong, change it (within reason ofcourse) and do my bit in improving where I am myself in this relationship. and then if it doesn't work, i will have no qualms. but to first know, what can i do better and more right ebcause it is hard to see ones own follies..im hoping enough people will ask and share with me so that i can discover what i am doing wrong.

[Craig]

He is there. I have a companion .. most times.. that is, when he's free and available and wants to spend time with me. He has given me more love than anyone ever has...but not lately. lately its one extreme to the other.

So he is either really nice or nasty, can you tell in advance when he is going to become nasty or does it just come out of nowhere?

 

...hes a really nice person. but i am doing something to him to become so nasty.

Please tell me how a "really nice person" could also be "so nasty?" Isn't that a glaring contradiction?

[lonepearl]

So he is either really nice or nasty, can you tell in advance when he is going to become nasty or does it just come out of nowhere?

 

Please tell me how a "really nice person" could also be "so nasty?" Isn't that a glaring contradiction?

 

i think i can tell what trips him up. But then that is just my theory.

1. when he hasn't had sex for a while

2. when he is stressing over money for his own hobbies but has none

3. when he has a lot of things he should have done but didn't get anything done

4. when he doesnt get to do what he wants AND i don't react exactly how he wants me to in each scenario.

 

for all of the above, it gets taken out on me. but then, maybe he jsut hates me and puts up a nice front most days and tolerates me but sometimes the real feelings towards me show up? dont know...

 

well re the contradiction.. sometimes someone can be a nice person but circumstance makes them lose control? circumstance can be other people like me...making them snap?

[lonelybird]

I don't think you made him snap. maybe you both need some more "own space"? didn't mean physically. when you put some distance between you and him, he would know even he had bad day, he CANNOT dump garbage on you.

or he felt too much attention on him that he could not breath? how about concentrate on yourself instead of him or the relationship, and do something for youself to make youself happy? and then you would see if he is worth you stay in the relationship or not.

if you don't feel good about self, then do something can improve, but it is for your own general good, not only for him to change yourself. and never change yourself for a man. just be yourself

[norajane]

He is there. I have a companion .. most times.. that is, when he's free and available and wants to spend time with me. He has given me more love than anyone ever has...but not lately. lately its one extreme to the other.

 

I am not saying i have no flaws..i am sure i tick him off with my own peculiarities. Its just i feel i am doing something wrong.. you know? hes a really nice person. but i am doing something to him to become so nasty. what am i doing wrong i wonder? i bring out the worse in him. i want to pin point what i am doing wrong, change it (within reason ofcourse) and do my bit in improving where I am myself in this relationship. and then if it doesn't work, i will have no qualms. but to first know, what can i do better and more right ebcause it is hard to see ones own follies..im hoping enough people will ask and share with me so that i can discover what i am doing wrong.

 

You're not doing anything wrong. He's an ass, and he has been for a very long time. You should have dumped when he started hating everything about you and began verbally abusing you.

 

He's been freeloading off you for the past three years, treating you like ****, and making you feel like ****. DUMP HIM NOW and get some therapy to help you deal with your parents' abuse and his abuse. Once you've gained some strength, you will meet someone who will treat you far, far better than this jerk does.

 

There is nothing wrong with you, and you did NOTHING wrong. He has done EVERYTHING wrong because he is messed up in his own way. Get away from him before he does more damage to your self-esteem. He is NOT a nice person - he is an abusive ass.

[lonepearl]

I don't think you made him snap. maybe you both need some more "own space"? didn't mean physically. when you put some distance between you and him, he would know even he had bad day, he CANNOT dump garbage on you.

or he felt too much attention on him that he could not breath? how about concentrate on yourself instead of him or the relationship, and do something for youself to make youself happy? and then you would see if he is worth you stay in the relationship or not.

if you don't feel good about self, then do something can improve, but it is for your own general good, not only for him to change yourself. and never change yourself for a man. just be yourself

 

i hear ya.. but the thing is, if we lived in different places, i have often asked him too that i wonder if he would ever see me? as it is, we dont get to interact all week, then at night in bed its the tv. any free time on weekends its his motorbike or working in the shed on it. i try and fit in a little. he changed when he returned and was spending time with me equally and not just his space 24/7. But lately its back to that. He has issues dealing with things but i thought (well fairy tale love ideas!) surely my love and all i have to give would make him feel safe and deal with those issues finally. But maybe i am not the right one for him? hmm i dont know. but thanks for your advice as well...

[lonepearl]

You're not doing anything wrong. He's an ass, and he has been for a very long time. You should have dumped when he started hating everything about you and began verbally abusing you.

 

He's been freeloading off you for the past three years, treating you like ****, and making you feel like ****. DUMP HIM NOW and get some therapy to help you deal with your parents' abuse and his abuse. Once you've gained some strength, you will meet someone who will treat you far, far better than this jerk does.

 

There is nothing wrong with you, and you did NOTHING wrong. He has done EVERYTHING wrong because he is messed up in his own way. Get away from him before he does more damage to your self-esteem. He is NOT a nice person - he is an abusive ass.

 

..for me to accept that i am not the one who is wrong. its a pattern of behaviour well engrained in me (30 years of it!). Like I said I haven't been perfect (nobody is!) but it feels like I am going out with my parents all over again. you know? i just could never satisfy them. my 99% was short by a 1% to their 100%, my 100% was too far from their 110% etc. and when i met him, at first - it was like i finally have my break. someone who put their arms around me and i felt at peace. and safe. but now, i feel like its happening all over again. i am accepting all for love and yet there are conditions to liking me. i have read other threads re weight issues, and overall fulfilling each others needs..but in all this i ask myself - what about my needs? or is it too demanding to think about them? too selfish? no unconditional love....

 

i have been caleld controlling, having no life, you name it. but i hope someone is able to question me correctly here and find out if i am indeed controlling and have no life and clingy perhaps? i dont know. i think im not but one can never tell. hope some of you can like give me questions that i can answer and then you can decide as a verdict or something. sorry just trying to think about self again..just my improvement...

[lonepearl]

LONELYBIRD...and no he doesn't feel he cant breathe. well i hope not. because he has most days to himself. but like he said today - i should NEVER expect to spend ANY time with him. I should FNID MY OWN LIFE and do what i want. what kind of a relationship is that?

 

and that was all over the fact that he was going for a bike ride today but earlier in the week his bike died so he said he wnot be going.. so instead of a time filler fair i was gonna go to, i decided to be home this sunday so that both of us could do something for a change. so he got angry over that! my attitude in life he says...

 

i dont get it. is it wrong to stay home to spend time with your partner when you havent seen him all week? is that being clingy and demanding? i dont know maybe it is. maybe i am better off alone really.

 

hmmm

[Craig]

If he has issues dealing with things it isn’t something that you can “fix” for him.

 

I think he could get more sex if he acted differently, if he wants to have more money for his hobbies he could quit school and get a job but life is a trade off—we sacrifice now for a better payback in the future, if he hasn’t done something that he should have (according to his judgment) then how does that have anything to do with you, we don’t always get what we want in life. One of the requirements for something to be considered alive is reaction to stimuli, all kinds of stimuli, negative and positive. That is life, if he wants to be happier he needs to accept that things will not always go his way. It’s not your responsibility to “fix” him or “fix” things for him.

 

Finding yourself in the company of a SO that resembles the parent(s) that you have unresolved issues with is not at all uncommon. THIS is something for you to do some deep thinking about and something that you will want to work on, maybe with the help of a counselor.

 

A book I’d recommend to you is, Getting the Love You Want : A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix.

 

LONELYBIRD...and no he doesn't feel he cant breathe. well i hope not. because he has most days to himself. but like he said today - i should NEVER expect to spend ANY time with him. I should FNID MY OWN LIFE and do what i want. what kind of a relationship is that?

 

By definition it isn’t a relationship so what is it in you that makes you stay?

[The slayer]

In my opinion the simple answer to your question

 

"What am I doing wrong?"

 

Is ...Trying to remain in a relationship that you would be better off getting out of.

[lonepearl]

If he has issues dealing with things it isn’t something that you can “fix” for him.

 

I think he could get more sex if he acted differently, if he wants to have more money for his hobbies he could quit school and get a job but life is a trade off—we sacrifice now for a better payback in the future, if he hasn’t done something that he should have (according to his judgment) then how does that have anything to do with you, we don’t always get what we want in life. One of the requirements for something to be considered alive is reaction to stimuli, all kinds of stimuli, negative and positive. That is life, if he wants to be happier he needs to accept that things will not always go his way. It’s not your responsibility to “fix” him or “fix” things for him.

 

Finding yourself in the company of a SO that resembles the parent(s) that you have unresolved issues with is not at all uncommon. THIS is something for you to do some deep thinking about and something that you will want to work on, maybe with the help of a counselor.

 

A book I’d recommend to you is, Getting the Love You Want : A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix.

 

 

 

By definition it isn’t a relationship so what is it in you that makes you stay?

 

you have said a few very important and clear things. you are right, i do need to think about this clearly. i will get hold of that book thanks!

 

as re relationship.. and what makes me stay...at the cost of sounding wanky - but true and what i really feel inside? - my stupid belief in what love is...unconditional... and i am unconditionally in love with him. it is a contradiction though i think? as i want him to change in terms of how he treats me...and yet...i dont want him to change anything else. he can have his hobbies, his friends, his things he likes and hates about me. all that is good... just the unhealthy part of what he is doing to me (or what i am doing to him that he cannot react to with anything else than attacking back rather than talking it through).

[lonepearl]

In my opinion the simple answer to your question

 

"What am I doing wrong?"

 

Is ...Trying to remain in a relationship that you would be better off getting out of.

 

i guess it is my work in me that makes me explore before quitting. you see i work as a full time change manager as a consultant. i'd like to think that i have always been a systems thinker (raed Peter Senge's Fifth Discipline to find out more!). for me, yes there is a final answer you do get to in certain situations where leaving, quitting, firing etc. are the best solution. BUT they never should be the first solution...

 

for me, i personally do not agree when people say "you shouldn't change anything about you" or "you shouldn't try and change him". Because the truth is change is the only constant in this world. Also, i understand the subtle yet mountainous difference between - "i changed for him" vs "i changed because of him"...and i see no issues with the latter.. because soemtimes in life we cannot see what might be within us and is not good for us and it takes someone else to make it apparent..and if there is anything in me that is undesirable trait that i am not aware of - i'd rather use this opportunity to reailse what it is fully and then move forward. otherwise what a waste of an opportunity to learn and grow and improve myself would have been wasted if i just picked up and left.

 

now as a consultant while you deal with facts, part of it all is gut instincts - you just know when you have done everything and its time to let go. for me, in my relationship, i don't feel like i have reached that point. i still feel that it is workable. i know it seems i am confused etc. but the truth is - i am ehre complaining about what isn't right in the relationship in the near recent... but this does not mean there has and isn't a lot of good at anytime. just merely trying to grow in the relationship; get advice from people; clearer vision; more growth and who knows - yes it could end up with me leaving...btu heres what keeps me going - i could end up staying and grow with another person who perhaps is also growing - just at a different pace and in different things than me

..but notheless...thank you for your input

[Craig]

as re relationship.. and what makes me stay...at the cost of sounding wanky - but true and what i really feel inside? - my stupid belief in what love is...unconditional... and i am unconditionally in love with him.

Look at that! Take a close look at what you said, "my stupid belief in what love is...unconditional..." Isn't it somewhat contradictory to say that your belief is stupid and wouldn't such thoughts naturally lead to some discomfort or dissatisfaction in your life?

 

My belief is that there is no such thing as unconditional romantic love. I could not romantically love a person that hurt others, I could however love them as a person, feel sorry for them and hate the acts they do. Love by itself, is not a reason to have a romantic relationship.

 

... and i am unconditionally in love with him. it is a contradiction though i think? as i want him to change in terms of how he treats me...and yet...i dont want him to change anything else. he can have his hobbies, his friends, his things he likes and hates about me. all that is good... just the unhealthy part of what he is doing to me (or what i am doing to him that he cannot react to with anything else than attacking back rather than talking it through).

As you know, sometimes people just will not change to suit our needs or desires and even if they do it doesn't help the relationship if something else is missing or it wasn't them in the first place.

 

I'll take a guess here and suggest that if you were able to make peace with your parents regarding the way they treated/treat you that everything else would change including your relationship with your SO. I'd further guess that you unconsciously chose your SO to "work through" issues with your parents. Enough people do it that it is very well known in the relationship counseling arena. What do you think?

[Amethyst020]

lonepearl: sorry I haven't read all of your post replies just a few and your note. From experience I HAVE been thru something similar. He is very insecure and puts it on you. Why? Because you are a bright, intelligent, and caring person and he knows that. Trust me...been there done that!

 

No matter what you look like it will never be enough for him. Being bigger in size gives him the opp to get you to be thinner. When you have worked so hard to do that and you have he finds it threatening and thinks he might lose you to another man. His insecurity is bringing you down. TRUST ME! You are way better than that and you will realize that when you find a man who doesn't care about that but what's inside first.

 

The outer apperance is important to be attracted to one another but not like this. Sorry girlfriend but I put up with it for 8 years to understand how important it is for you to be happy regardless of his thoughts or concerns. Let us all know how you are doing too. Just be selfish and do what you want for you to make you happy! Screw anyone else...it's your body and your happiness!

[HeyYouGuys]

I think you need to chuck the idea of 'unconditional love'

 

Unconditional love is fine and dandy for romance novels and Hallmark cards (or for parents and children....children are so needy and dependent they DO need to be loved unconditionally!).

 

Between adults, a relationship is sort of like a business deal. I'm not trying to be cold here. I do believe in a certain degree of chemical attraction, flutters in the stomach and warm fuzzy feelings. However, over the long term you need to look at whether your investment in this person is yielding the results you hope for.

 

So let's see....you've poured hope, attachment, desire and physical effort into this relationship and have gotten back a battered self esteem, loneliness, insecurity and despair.

 

Sounds like a lousy investment to me.

 

I'd call it a loss and try to unload this one as quickly as possible.

[The slayer]

i guess it is my work in me that makes me explore before quitting. you see i work as a full time change manager as a consultant. i'd like to think that i have always been a systems thinker (raed Peter Senge's Fifth Discipline to find out more!). for me, yes there is a final answer you do get to in certain situations where leaving, quitting, firing etc. are the best solution. BUT they never should be the first solution...

 

for me, i personally do not agree when people say "you shouldn't change anything about you" or "you shouldn't try and change him". Because the truth is change is the only constant in this world. Also, i understand the subtle yet mountainous difference between - "i changed for him" vs "i changed because of him"...and i see no issues with the latter.. because soemtimes in life we cannot see what might be within us and is not good for us and it takes someone else to make it apparent..and if there is anything in me that is undesirable trait that i am not aware of - i'd rather use this opportunity to reailse what it is fully and then move forward. otherwise what a waste of an opportunity to learn and grow and improve myself would have been wasted if i just picked up and left.

 

now as a consultant while you deal with facts, part of it all is gut instincts - you just know when you have done everything and its time to let go. for me, in my relationship, i don't feel like i have reached that point. i still feel that it is workable. i know it seems i am confused etc. but the truth is - i am ehre complaining about what isn't right in the relationship in the near recent... but this does not mean there has and isn't a lot of good at anytime. just merely trying to grow in the relationship; get advice from people; clearer vision; more growth and who knows - yes it could end up with me leaving...btu heres what keeps me going - i could end up staying and grow with another person who perhaps is also growing - just at a different pace and in different things than me

..but notheless...thank you for your input

 

I agree with everything you say here Lonepearl, I too have some experience of managing organisational change.

 

It is not my intention in any way, to challenge you or suggest what you should do in your situation, but I would like to just make some comments on your post.

 

I think that you are maybe denying your "Gut feeling" as you clearly have so much invested emotionally in this relationship. I am well aware that all I know about your relationship is what you have chosen to post and obviously I am going to interpret that information on the basis of my own experience and opinions. That said it seems as if your relationship consists of 1 year of happiness and 3 years of pain and disatisfaction. That makes it unsucessfull for 75% of the time over a period of four years.

 

In your second para you say "Sometimes in life we might not see what is within us and is not good for us and it takes someone else to make it apparant"

 

Forgive me if I seem harsh but Lone Pearl this is not a good relationship. It is not satisfying either of you. You are only going to become more unhappy. You will end up hurting each other more than you already have. There is no real way forward and you are selling yourself short on every level, which is damaging your self esteem even further. By remaining in the relationship you are colluding with your partner, in his poor treatment of you.

 

You talk of unconditional love. Unlike some of the other posters I do believe in unconditional love, however I think on the whole what Humans like to believe is unconditional love actually isn't. Unconditional love needs to be not only entirely selfless, but would need to survive beyond the duration of a relationship. You are attaching a condition to your love for your partner. Your unconditional love is what makes you stay, that isn't unconditional love.

 

"Change is the only constant in the world" this I completely agree with, but in my opinion you are basing all your arguement on a false premise. That is, defining walking away from your relationship as an ending and likening this to a final response like firing someone. It's not an ending it is a change a change in your personal circumstances, you will still be you and you will still be able to feel unconditional love for your partner. He will still exist you may even be able to sustain a friendship. For me one of the biggest challenges in implementing change has always been helping people to recognise an opportunity of change for what it is.

 

I think in your determination to make the relationship work you are in truth just resisting change, which is a problem for most people who find themselves trapped in what could be described as an abusive relationship.

 

Of course all of this is just my opinion and offered to you purely as an attempt to offer you support in a difficult and painfull situation. :)

 

I wish you all the best and hope you find a solution that genunely works for you

[norajane]

He will still exist you may even be able to sustain a friendship. For me one of the biggest challenges in implementing change has always been helping people to recognise an opportunity of change for what it is.

 

I think in your determination to make the relationship work you are in truth just resisting change, which is a problem for most people who find themselves trapped in what could be described as an abusive relationship.

 

Terrific post, Slayer!

 

The part about friendship, though, is where I see the biggest problem in this relationship. The boyfriend here is not being lonepearl's friend in any way that I can see from what she's posted. They don't have a friendship now - he is not acting like a friend, certainly not a close friend, but also not any kind of friend. Friends don't put each other down and abuse their feelings and take advantage of their generosity and kindness, or take advantage of their insecurities and fears.

 

Lonepearl, I'm sure if you could step back and be more objective, you would see this yourself. Do ANY of the people who are your true friends treat you remotely like your boyfriend does? Do they make you feel bad about yourself like he does? Do you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells around them, or that you are always doing something wrong? I'm betting that you don't. I'm betting that they support you and celebrate your successes with you.

[The slayer]

I agree with you about the friendship part, it's never worked for me, but you never know!

[lonepearl]

Look at that! Take a close look at what you said, "my stupid belief in what love is...unconditional..." Isn't it somewhat contradictory to say that your belief is stupid and wouldn't such thoughts naturally lead to some discomfort or dissatisfaction in your life?

 

My belief is that there is no such thing as unconditional romantic love. I could not romantically love a person that hurt others, I could however love them as a person, feel sorry for them and hate the acts they do. Love by itself, is not a reason to have a romantic relationship.

 

As you know, sometimes people just will not change to suit our needs or desires and even if they do it doesn't help the relationship if something else is missing or it wasn't them in the first place.

 

I'll take a guess here and suggest that if you were able to make peace with your parents regarding the way they treated/treat you that everything else would change including your relationship with your SO. I'd further guess that you unconsciously chose your SO to "work through" issues with your parents. Enough people do it that it is very well known in the relationship counseling arena. What do you think?

 

what, in your opinion, are the reasons to have a romantic relationship if not for love itself?

 

I agree what you said re changing to suit...but in his case, its not a change as i know it is in his nature to be caring, gentle and loving and considerate. But lately when it comes to me...those things don't apply - but for everyone else they do - even those who hurt him or say **** to him or do him wrong. But i get the **** for even the littlest things. he always has been a perfectionist. perhaps i am not being perfect anymore to him? hmmm...

 

re the parents and issues...they cannot really be resolved as such as they are events already gone. But those have been talked about within family and even though most are unresolved, we have all moved on. re choosing him...no it wasnt about working through any issues. i wasn't even wanting a relationship. we were good friends and one day were just sitting in the sun both looked up at each other and went "HMMMM". later upon talking (a day later) realised we both thought of the same thing at the same time - that all our lives we are lookin for someone to just be comfy with, have a friend, be there and be able to be just there without speaking and enjoy each others company...and then realised. ...hey wait a minute..and looked up at each other

 

we both have really screwed up pasts (childhood traumas) and i think he has more unresolved issues than i and a lot more anger and resentment held within towards those he loved and trusted. and i think i am copping it all for all of them....which is unfair even though i understand and am trying to be there...

 

what 'changes' we have made arent those that werent part of our personality so they are 'growth' rather than 'changes' as such. he says not being mean is not in his nature and i should stop trying ot change him but i have seen his non-mean side and i hve seen how he cannot be mean to anyone...except me lately!

[lonepearl]

lonepearl: sorry I haven't read all of your post replies just a few and your note. From experience I HAVE been thru something similar. He is very insecure and puts it on you. Why? Because you are a bright, intelligent, and caring person and he knows that. Trust me...been there done that!

 

No matter what you look like it will never be enough for him. Being bigger in size gives him the opp to get you to be thinner. When you have worked so hard to do that and you have he finds it threatening and thinks he might lose you to another man. His insecurity is bringing you down. TRUST ME! You are way better than that and you will realize that when you find a man who doesn't care about that but what's inside first.

 

The outer apperance is important to be attracted to one another but not like this. Sorry girlfriend but I put up with it for 8 years to understand how important it is for you to be happy regardless of his thoughts or concerns. Let us all know how you are doing too. Just be selfish and do what you want for you to make you happy! Screw anyone else...it's your body and your happiness!

 

it was nice indeed reading what you had to say. yes it does sound like its his insecurities and traumas of the past that get taken out on me..almost like he feels superior for a change because of bashing me down sometimes. but i dont even think hes conscious of it.

re meeting a man who doesn't care re appearances - he was one of those men...but changed due to friends and peer pressure. but then i am not complaining re wanting your partner to be physically attractive to the other.. no. but the fact that one gets treated like a low piece of worthless s*** because of being fat is what hurts and should not happen. and you are right, like i said - his eyes have changed not just me gained weight. i was a size 12 (NZ) (US size 10) when i met him and went up to a size 14 NZ (US size 12) but am back to a size 8/10 (NZ sizes)..(thats like size 6/8 in US) but to him i am still not there as we first met. and i know its becuse i have lost weight all around but my belly is still not FLAT like those chicks in videos and his best friends girlfriends. i dont mind that either as what is attractive to u is attractive - but to be treated sub-human because of that - i do mind. and not just the weight. its everything. hes real nice and the next minute he'll flip and it seems like its always my fault and hes being normal. maybe he is right?!

[lonepearl]

I think you need to chuck the idea of 'unconditional love'

 

Unconditional love is fine and dandy for romance novels and Hallmark cards (or for parents and children....children are so needy and dependent they DO need to be loved unconditionally!).

 

Between adults, a relationship is sort of like a business deal. I'm not trying to be cold here. I do believe in a certain degree of chemical attraction, flutters in the stomach and warm fuzzy feelings. However, over the long term you need to look at whether your investment in this person is yielding the results you hope for.

 

So let's see....you've poured hope, attachment, desire and physical effort into this relationship and have gotten back a battered self esteem, loneliness, insecurity and despair.

 

Sounds like a lousy investment to me.

 

I'd call it a loss and try to unload this one as quickly as possible.

 

i agree and disagree with both the 'bussiness' and 'loveydovey fantasy world to chuck away'.

for me business is life...and unconditional is about business...its the trust two parties have in any deal..doesnt mean theres not clear documents to ensure that trust is not breached

 

however, re investments - to be fair - i have poured hope (for the love), insecurities (of my past for the love), attachment, holding back (from insecurities), desire, resentment (from being made to feel undesriable), physical effort, no physical effort (when i gained weight to begin with

 

he he .. kinda puts my input onto = 0 doesnt it , not to mention the mistakes i made....

 

and for returns i have had yes all the things u mentioned + sometimes love, companionship sometimes, friendship for a bit, caregiver through illness for entire period of recovery from aneurysm...man around the house to do all manly stuff! etc.etc.etc.

 

u get th picture ..but yes one has to see investments and outcomes..are we both suffering and just staying together cuz he doesnt wanna hurt me by leaving and i dont wanna lose him cuz i hve given him a lot? hmmm....something to truly think about.