Serial Cheater...hopeless?

[Last Mohegan]

I would like to know your opinion on this. Please do not flame me as I am completely out of the situation and am doing all I can to stay out of it. I was involved with a MM for just under one year. Same old story, best friends, EA progressed to PA, soul mates, the whole deal. He was adament that he was leaving the marriage, W found out, he claims to have stayed for kids and for her.

 

I love this person very much and am devastated by all of it. Am I sorry? Yes I am. My choice was a terribly self destructive one in addition to all the harm it caused others. I am in counseling twice a week now and am determined to find more self worth than to travel this road again.

 

During the course of this relationship, the MM told me all about his childhood and how he was raised. No, he was not trying to win me or make me feel sorry for him...we were already involved. He grew up in a very, very abusive household, one parent was an alcoholic, the other a serial cheater. They were divorced when he was five. His parents lifestyles only became more technicolor after the divorce and he was constantly conditioned with pornography and alcohol since their divorce.

 

Fast forward 15 years, he marries high school sweetheart, has children. He admits to having been unfaithful over 30 different times. Some of the time it was a one night stand, other times it was with more than one person at a time. He is filled with more self hatred and self condemnation than almost anyone I've ever seen. He drinks when stress is unbearable in his mind and goes cold turkey when he's "trying really hard". He has rage issues and has been involved in many physical fights. He has been checked for sexual addiction, two psychiatrists have stated he is not; he has had his testosterone levels checked, they are in normal range; he is now in intense therapy to try to get a handle on this. He does not want to look back on life and count himself as a failure to his children and marriage. He has stated throughout his entire marriage that he feels like a caged animal with a roommate.

 

Their marriage has been very rocky to say the least...she is only aware of three incidences of unfaithfulness in their ten years and has begged him to come back each time saying if you ever do this again I'll leave you for good. He is now in marriage counseling for the third time and in individual counseling for the first time. He wants to "be a good person" as he calls it and is on medication now. He wrestles with being a failure as a father because of what his experience has been as a son.

 

I can already hear most of you saying, why in the hell would you love this man? Well, I would say the same thing, but, I do love him and I love myself enough to know that he belongs to someone else and not me.

 

He has attempted contact with me as we are only at two months NC. I don't think he wants to resume the relationship, but I think he wants his ego to know that I'm waiting and that I still love him. I have many people holding me accountable now and am taking more steps to make any connection impossible.

 

Finally, the question.... Is there hope for this man? I know we can all hope, but realistically, what do you think the chances of him repairing his marriage and living a faithful life are? Both readily admit they have no trust for one another, she has lied, he has lied, each separation and reunion has a shorter honeymoon phase.

 

I can know that I'm through with this relationship but I am also severely heart broken and trying to pick up the pieces of what I've allowed to happen to my life. I'm learning from this and mean nothing but respect in asking the question.

 

Please give me your opinion.

 

Thank you.

[Walk]

I'm not sure what your really asking.. Will their marriage last? Will he come back to you?

 

I don't think he'll leave his wife. She's stuck by him even though she knows of three seperate instances of his cheating. Why would he give up that kind of unconditional acceptance. He knows she'll throw a fit, but she'll forgive him in the end. She'll welcome him back each time. He won't break that connection from her as long as she's willing to take him back.

 

He's attempting to work on himself and become a better person. She must know he's in therapy and on medication. That's he's trying to change.

 

I could see her getting fed up if he wasn't attempting to change. If he wasn't going to therapy, etc. But while he goes, she still has hope, and that's probably enough to keep her with him for a long, long time.

 

So, no. I don't think they'll end their marriage in the near future.

 

But I'm not sure that was really your question though. If not, feel free to correct me. It'd give the rest of the posters a better idea what you're asking too.

[Last Mohegan]

Sorry for the confusion....very good point. No, this relationship is over for me completely.

 

Whether believable or not, I care what happens to this man. He is miserable. Not because of his marriage but because of the mass amounts of guilt he carries around that HE cannot forgive himself for. I don't know if that's self inflicted punishment or a coping mechanism or what. I honestly want peace for him.

 

The messages and attempted contact I receive from him are painful without a doubt but I know its about fear of what he's facing right now.

 

This may have been a stupid post. Sorry.

[stillafool]

I think all serial cheaters have a form of self-hatred. Otherwise why would they continue to make their lives so miserable. Mine is a "serial cheater" has been in therapy and his wife keeps taking him back. His excuse " I just love women". Well of course he's the first MM who has ever "just loved women" so that's a great excuse for him:sick: He is still cheating to the point that his secretary screens his calls by the sound of a woman's voice. In other words if you don't sound like a business woman you don't get through to him. (Boy, I bet she gets a nice Christmas gift from the wifey).