Guest Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 Warning this is long- if you don't want to read a book then I'd suggest skippign to the end. I'm trying to figure out why/how i keep attracting the wrong type of guys. In the last ten years (since I was 16) I've dated a number of guys (the most I've ever dated in one year was 7 and that was between 16 and 17 yrs old. But I've only slept with 3 guys in my life. I will only talk about the important ones. guy #1 my first love. we had a great emotional connection and friendship and were together for about 6 months. We rarely got to see eachother (I had very strict parents, he didn't have his driver's license yet but we spent HOURS on the phone (this was before the internet was popular). We broke up because of lack of seeing eachother but remained friends for hte next eight years! We tried getting back together when I was 19 but he ended up moving to Florida (six states away). He is now back in the area and married. Three years ago he called my parents house and they told me and I called him back. We talked for hours and made plans to get together. He told me had been engaged but couldn't progress to marriage with her becasue she had changed so much. HE said he missed me and we started hanging out. NOthing physical happened but I would say we had an emotional affair (he told me he still loved me and we talked about getting back togehter) Well I found out that he WAS still engaged but his fiance' was gone for 3 months!! So he had lied to me. Haven' t talked to him since. guy #2 dated when I was sixteen for 5 months. He was the sweetest guy I have ever met to this day. He was 19 at the time and in college. He spoiled me and treated me like a princess ( I was new to datign so I just assumed that was how EVERY guy would treat me) He didn't pressure me for sex (he was a virgin too) and I trusted him completely. He made me feel safe and taken care of. He was also very fun to be with and I felt so happy when I was with him. He was one of those guys who buys you gifts and writes you sweet little notes and he even wrote a song and played it for me. He brought me flowers ALL the time, roses, wildflowers. He was always telling me how beautiful he thought I was and hugging, holding me in his arms. He actually told me that he loved me before we were actually dating. (Yes he was intense) He never lied to me and we could talk about anything. He was constantly being affectionate and sweet and planning suprises and telling me how wonderful he thought I was. He was very controlling though. And very NEEDY. he had been cheated on (he was engaged before he met me and his fiance' cheated on him with two guys) so he was very suspicious of me at times. He wanted to be with me 24/7 and at one point I started to miss my freedom. He started talking about marriage (after only 3 months together) and being only 16 I freaked out and broke up with him. Something I still regret because he was such a nice guy. When we broke up he told me to be careful with guys because most guys would only want me for my body and not for my mind/heart/companionship. He was killed in a car accident about a year later. For the longest time after that I was in pain and mourning him and missing him adn I dated a lot of random guys (but didnt' sleep with them) to try to get over him. guy#3 was a "bad boy" he made me feel wild and crazy and we had a lot of fun together. We were on again off again for about 4 months when I was 17. I was very attached to him but he treated me badly (behind my back he cheated on me) He left me once for a pregnant girl (not his baby) that he said he was going to marry. When she dumped him I took him back (stupid me) but I got a high off of being with him. I ended up kissing his friend behind his back (my first experience with being the cheater) as revenge for him hurting me. Finally I left him because he kept pressuring me to have sex with him. We remained friends on and off for a few years. He eventually went to prison for auto theft. guy #4 was a friend of a friend and we were set up on a sort of blind date. He was charming and sexy and fun to be with. He hadn't dated in a while because his ex had cheated on him. He had a sports car that he loved and spent all of his time adding things to and decking out. He rarely had time for me because he was obsessed with his car. We only dated for a month then broke up then dated for another month. He was hard to talk to and we didn't communicate well. I ended it because I found out he slept with someoen behind my back. guy #5 met him in one of those "meant to be moments". he went to school iwth my best friend, thought I was cute and asked her for my phone number. We spent the whole night talking till 1am. He was one of those people you feel you've known forever. Every time we went out we ended up talking to the wee hours of the morning. He was my best friend and we could talk about anything. We both lived at home with our parents the first year, then I went away to college. so we only saw eachother on weekends. Then he moved 5 hours away for a job so we saw eachother even less. He had never had a serious girlfriend before he met me (he was 17 I was 18) We were the perfect fairy tale couple. We lost our virginity to eachtoher and we were the couple who has a song, celebrates anniversarys, he always gave me flowers on holidays, and at first everything was wonderful. We were so in love. We were together for four years and the last 7 months we lived together (we were engaged) I had moved 5 hours away to be with him and was very homesick. Living with him wasn't what I thought it woudl be. I found otu he was addicted to pornography, once when we were about to have sex I whispered to him to tell me what would turn him on so much right now, what was one of his fantasies? And his reply with me naked beside him was that he always thought it would be the best sex ever to see some random hot woman who he's never met and take her home and have sex wtih her and never see her again. I was devastated because when I"d asked that question I'd assumed what would turn him on more than anything would include me. So that was the beginning of the end. Then I'd find porn on his computer (I'd even given him porn movies for his birthday and stuff and we'd watch them togehter) but I just thought that was the extent of what he was doing along with a few playboys. I found all kinds of downloads and video tapes and magazines and once he told me that when he knew we were going to mess around he would look at his porn first to get into the mood. I just felt that I wasn't good enough. I would never look like those women in his fantasies ( I was about 100 lbs 5'1) so there shouldn't have been any reason he needed porn to get arroused. He also would always comment about other woman's bodies (he told me this girl he worked with had perfect breasts, and that some girl that he was friends with in high school was skinnier than me but her chest was bigger. He would talk about what actresses he thought were hot. I told him how much the excessive pornography hurt me and he broke down crying and told me he'd stop. Well I was supposed to go home for two weeks but came back to suprise him after only 1 week (I missed him) and when I went into our apartment (he was at work) our living room looked like a shrine to porn. There was a stack of about ten video tapes in front of the tv and a few new magazines. I checked my computer history and he'd looked a ton of sites while I was gone. I was devastated but considered it not cheating because he wasnt' doing anything with someone else. Our relationship got to where there was NO sex. We might try something once a month and if he touched me I would just cry. I ended up cheating on him with guy #6. and left him. Guy #6 was someone I had known for years (he was friends with guy #2 who was killed in an accident). He was the exact opposite of my ex fiance. He wasn't interested in porn at all, he was attentive, caring, and unselfish (so I thought) He worked as paramedic and in his spare time he was a volunteer fireman. He seemed really into me and reminded me a bit of guy #2 at times. We did sleep together right away (after three dates and eight days) but I had known him a long time so I felt closer to him than I really was. We were together for about eight months and were talking about moving in together. He had just bought a house that we picked out together. He seemed crazy about me and I loved the fact that he was so easy to talk to and that I felt so comfortable with him. We would spend the weekends together at my place and see eachother probably 3 nights during the week. I also loved that we never fought like I did with other guys, if we had a disagreement neither of us would ever raise our voice. We would just talk it out. there was no yelling or name calling or blaming. Well that all was too good to be true. About a week after I moved in with him I found a note that some woman had written to him. It turned out that she was married and he had been having an affair with her for almost a year. His friends didnt' know her, nor did his family. He had kept it from everyone. He had also kept seeing her while he was with me. It had ended shortly before we started looking at houses, but she kept trying to get back wtih him and showing up at our house. I broke up with him, heartbroken that practically our whole relationship he'd lied to me. I have no idea how I didn't see the truth, even when I look back there weren't many clues to his deception. Guy #7 met him when I went out with friends one night. We ended up talking for about 8 months then decided to date (I was the one who didn't want to date at first as I was getting over guy #6. I told guy #7 about guy #6 and his deception. Guy #7 said that he had never cheated and was lucky because he'd never been cheated on either. I took it very slow with guy #7. About three months into dating I met his family- and they hated me. His sister in law was so rude to me and I tried to find out why. Well the whole time we had been talking/dating he'd told me he was single. Turns out that I was actually the OW and that he had been engaged to his sister in law's best friend. He never lived with her but had kept me a secret from his family until he ended it with her (which was about a week before he brought me to meet his family) He was with her and me at the same time. I talked to him after that but could never trust him again so that was over. WOW this is SO long, so if you are still there thanks for hanging in there, I have not dated in almost a year and I'm starting to miss the nice things about relationships. I just don't understand what I am doing wrong? I mean how do I keep attracting guys who have all these problems and lie to me. Thats two in a row that weren't single as I was told. I mean are you supposed to meet the guys friends/family immediately? Do you have a background check run on them? Are there red flags to watch for? I don't understand how neither of us (the OW and SO) knew nothing about eachotehr? IS there a certain type of personality that attracts these men? I mean I dont' expect to find a perfect partner but someone who cherishes me and isn't obsesed with porn and a pathological liar or cheat would be a nice start. What is wrong with me?
Sally00 Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 Honestly, I didn't read your whole post. But... I do know what it's like to go through numerous a**h***s. Trust me. I've been through more than you have in a lesser amount of time. I didn't sleep with any of them (thank God), not even my boyfriend now. But anyways, there is nothing wrong with you. It's good that you analyzed your past though... maybe you can find out some kind of pattern. There are a lot of jerks out there. If there was something wrong with you, you would have figured it out by now.
blind_otter Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 IME with dating dirtbags, and I have extensive experience....it's you, not them. Seriously. It's not that you "attract" the wrong type of men. You likely attract all different kinds. But you keep chosing to be with the ones who will treat you badly. Maybe you have a fantasy about helping someone become a better person (you can't, they have to do it by themselves), or maybe you think that nice guys are boring (a common problem). Maybe you have low self esteem and it's self fulfilling prophecy. You need to do some reflection to see what it is that makes you chose to be with the bad ones. It took me a good long 8 years before I could figure it out.
amaysngrace Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 it's you, not them. Yep. I was a weirdo magnet, that's for sure. For some reason I would only attract the bad boys or the dysfunctional guys. Its because my self-esteem was lacking. I know it now but it took me so long to recognize it. Do yourself a favor. Journal or whatever you need to do to get to know yourself (and I'm not talking a cucumber here ) Figure out why you are unhappy about yourself and strive to correct it. Most likely, you will find out you are MORE than OKAY. I would advise you to not get into a serious relationship with anyone until you do so (this is where the cucumber might come in handy ) Even though they say opposites attract, don't believe the hype... Strong men like strong women.
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