waitingforlove Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 Hi everyone, I was down in the lump for a LONG time, and then something came into mind. A breakup can be a crisis (especially for the dumpee), and a crisis usually leads to one of two outcomes: 1/ complete destruction; or 2/ personal growth. I was SO close to complete destruction but I knew that a part of me was holding me off from actually letting myself be destroyed. So then I had no choice but to move towards personal growth. I'm starting to accept what I've done wrong in the relationship but also see that there are things that my ex did wrong also -- even though he was so reluctant to admit that he was responsible at all for the breakup. I guess, in order to avoid his guilt, he just put all the blame on me. I ended up suffering for a long time from all that guilt, but eventually I realized one VERY important thing: That I've learned MY lesson and am ready to become a better person now, but I'm not sure he has learned HIS lesson by putting all the blame on the other person. Looking back, he had told me that his ex (from 8 years ago) broke up with him because she thought he was self-centered. I'm thinking how pathetic it is actually, for him to NEVER have learned from that mistake, stayed being self-centered, and then repeat the same mistake again 8 years later -- with me, only that this time he chose to completely ignore the fact that he was self-centered, and broke up with me before I broke up with him! Evidently his breakup with his ex 8 years ago never became a learning experience for him. I'm not angry with him. I accept that everyone is not perfect, and he has his imperfection just as I do. I honestly, completely forgive him in my heart. Even though now he doesn't even want to be friends, I'm still thinking that he's still my friend and I will accept his friendship again anytime. It doesn't mean that I have no sense of self-worth, but my self-worth doesn't have to be based on his acceptance of me anymore. And I don't have to prove that I'm worthy by rejecting him, just because he has rejected me. I don't want any revenge, because only when I completely forgive him, can I move on, be at peace with myself, and look forward to a better life from now on. He can think of me whatever way he wants; he can think that I am just not good enough for him. But I am determined that I don't have to be defined by him. I will learn to love myself more from now on. Only when I don't need to rely on somebody to feel loved, will I be able to love someone else freely and "without agenda" in the future, with a greater love than what I was able to give my ex. I'm starting to think, in a way, even though the dumper often "wins" the situation (or think they win), the dumpee may gain MORE out of the breakup if they would only look to the bright side. I certainly hope that my ex also gained something out of the relationship or the breakup, but for sure, I know he lost something: a possible great future with someone who constantly strives to become a better person, who's truly able to love without agenda. It's his choice. Nevertheless, if somehow we do end up back together in the VERY FAR future, I'll still give him a chance -- but ONLY if he has also become a better person himself. I'm not going to take any more belittling from him or anyone for that matter. I love myself and deserve better. Just wanted to encourage everyone in the same boat right now. We as "dumpees" can emerge from the heart-breaking experience and become much better people in the future! It's our exes' loss, not ours, especially because they were in a so-called "better" position -- that they decided to break up with us. But it's exactly because of that, that it's so easy for them to put all the blame on us that they miss the opportunity to look into themselves and become better people. Look at your breakup as an OPPORTUNITY for a better life, then you'll realize that the "loss" is relatively small and unimportant.
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