waitingforlove Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 Hi everyone, I was down in the lump for a LONG time, and then something came into mind. A breakup can be a crisis (especially for the dumpee), and a crisis usually leads to one of two outcomes: 1/ complete destruction; or 2/ personal growth. I was SO close to complete destruction but I knew that a part of me was holding me off from actually letting myself be destroyed. So then I had no choice but to move towards personal growth. I'm starting to accept what I've done wrong in the relationship but also see that there are things that my ex did wrong also -- even though he was so reluctant to admit that he was responsible at all for the breakup. I guess, in order to avoid his guilt, he just put all the blame on me. I ended up suffering for a long time from all that guilt, but eventually I realized one VERY important thing: That I've learned MY lesson and am ready to become a better person now, but I'm not sure he has learned HIS lesson by putting all the blame on the other person. Looking back, he had told me that his ex (from 8 years ago) broke up with him because she thought he was self-centered. I'm thinking how pathetic it is actually, for him to NEVER have learned from that mistake, stayed being self-centered, and then repeat the same mistake again 8 years later -- with me, only that this time he chose to completely ignore the fact that he was self-centered, and broke up with me before I broke up with him! Evidently his breakup with his ex 8 years ago never became a learning experience for him. I'm not angry with him. I accept that everyone is not perfect, and he has his imperfection just as I do. I honestly, completely forgive him in my heart. Even though now he doesn't even want to be friends, I'm still thinking that he's still my friend and I will accept his friendship again anytime. It doesn't mean that I have no sense of self-worth, but my self-worth doesn't have to be based on his acceptance of me anymore. And I don't have to prove that I'm worthy by rejecting him, just because he has rejected me. I don't want any revenge, because only when I completely forgive him, can I move on, be at peace with myself, and look forward to a better life from now on. He can think of me whatever way he wants; he can think that I am just not good enough for him. But I am determined that I don't have to be defined by him. I will learn to love myself more from now on. Only when I don't need to rely on somebody to feel loved, will I be able to love someone else freely and "without agenda" in the future, with a greater love than what I was able to give my ex. I'm starting to think, in a way, even though the dumper often "wins" the situation (or think they win), the dumpee may gain MORE out of the breakup if they would only look to the bright side. I certainly hope that my ex also gained something out of the relationship or the breakup, but for sure, I know he lost something: a possible great future with someone who constantly strives to become a better person, who's truly able to love without agenda. It's his choice. Nevertheless, if somehow we do end up back together in the VERY FAR future, I'll still give him a chance -- but ONLY if he has also become a better person himself. I'm not going to take any more belittling from him or anyone for that matter. I love myself and deserve better. Just wanted to encourage everyone in the same boat right now. We as "dumpees" can emerge from the heart-breaking experience and become much better people in the future! It's our exes' loss, not ours, especially because they were in a so-called "better" position -- that they decided to break up with us. But it's exactly because of that, that it's so easy for them to put all the blame on us that they miss the opportunity to look into themselves and become better people. Look at your breakup as an OPPORTUNITY for a better life, then you'll realize that the "loss" is relatively small and unimportant.
MrPot Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 That's great that you feel this way now and that you harbor no negative feelings. My one gripe with what you said is what his ex said in the past. The "self-centered" thing was an excuse. When someone breaks up with you, they usually don't say "I don't have the same feelings for you anymore," which is the THE reason why they ended it. When my ex dumped me, she said she thought I was "selfish, pretentious, and snobbish." She thought these things of me before to varying degrees, way before we dated. Her dumping me had nothing to do with these things, and everything to do with her feelings. And thank goodness it happened. I don't even like the woman anymore.
lebowski24 Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 Lately I've been thinking of things like this. I'm sure you've all heard of the 5 stages of grief: · Denial When my ex first broke up with me, I told myself, "Don't worry, she'll come back in a day or two." Obviously, she didn't. · Anger Once I realized she wasn't coming back, I started thinking of how much of a bitch she was, thought she didn't have the right to do this to me, etc. · Bargaining Unfortunately, I begged and pleaded with her at first to take me back. Bad idea. · Depression This is by far the worst part, and I'm just now starting to slip out of it. But, what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. · Acceptance When you reach this point, scream, "Hallelujah!" and find someone else.
spinnelli Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 I will accept his friendship again anytime. It doesn't mean that I have no sense of self-worth, but my self-worth doesn't have to be based on his acceptance of me anymore. And I don't have to prove that I'm worthy by rejecting him, just because he has rejected me. I don't want any revenge, because only when I completely forgive him, can I move on, be at peace with myself, and look forward to a better life from now on. . Do you know that the above paragraph is the biggest issue about breakups? "the rejection". You feel you are not worth anything because the ex doesn't want you. You think because somebody rejected you, it means you are not special or you're subhuman. This is the underlying, subconscious thought that drives dumpees to sadness. Although this is absolutely not true in any shape, way or form but our hearts deceive us and lead us to believe it, at least for the first few months after the break-up. This is why we end up in the funk, the depression, all because we are measuring our self-worth through someone else's eyes. We are basing our self-worth on their acceptance of us...i.e, "if he doesn't want me, then that must mean I'm not good enough". Like the kid in gym class that didn't make the cut. We desperately want to prove we are worthy so we cry and we beg and plead "please take me back" blah blah blah. Think about it, do you really miss your ex or do you just miss your ex's acceptance of you? And why do we crave that acceptance so much? Acceptance from someone who is just as human as us, who bleeds red blood, who wears his pants one leg at a time, someone who makes the same mistakes ...or even ones way worse than we do. Why do we look at ourselves through their eyes? I guess it's just human nature, everyone wants to be liked. It is when we begin to get over the break-up that we realize that it doesn't matter, there are 6 billion people in this world, more than 3 billion of them will probably not like you for one reason or the other, so what? you won't jump over a bridge because of that, would you? So the ex just happens to be one of those 3 billion that doesn't like you. SO WHAT????
MrPot Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 Right on! If only we could all remember this, all the time.
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