jonesgirly Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 Yep......our 4th Annual Luau is this Saturday. It was at last years' party that all hell broke loose with my husband, and his long-term EA with a much younger co-worker was subsequently uncovered. Not much has changed lately, but I did start IC. I had demanded that my H begin IC back in the fall when he was arrested for domestic violence. He at one point stated that his counselor thought "I" should be in IC also, so I chose to begin seeing her (saved a lotta money and time, avoiding sessions to describe 'him'). Oh, and he quit IC in January, stating something about how she 'didn't care.' Typical attitude of his, nobody can possible care ENOUGH for him! I appreciate that she sees the narcissstic, passive-aggressive, and addictive personality that I've dealt with. I went mainly as a last-ditch effort, more for myself than anything. I want to KNOW at some point, that I did EVERYTHING possible to salvage this, even though HE couldn't. It sucks sometimes when you realize that the BS has so much more work to do, or maybe is just 'handed' that burden because of an unwilling WS. She (the C) sees a lot of discrepancies in what he has described (although she can't divulge details), compared to what I have shown her. The most disappointing thing for me was to learn that she had recommended we read 'after the affair' (and she thought he had done so). He hadn't even mentioned it, nor did he get the book. Its all these little things that just don't add up..........how can fixing the marriage be any kind of a priority if your time is spent avoiding it? I still live in the lower-level apartment of our house. It seems to work best that way, and I've found that I really enjoy my privacy. He continues to avoid me, and doesn't seem to have a clue about whats going on with me. He still cannot talk about things without becoming defensive or just walking away, and I really don't even say much anymore. It (his reactions), just remind me of how difficult he is to live with. I know that I was in emotional hell for the first six months (during discovery), and he just wasn't 'there' for me. He never gave the real story, never was honest, never really included me in his little world. So I had to learn to not NEED to be in it. I've detached from him to the point that I'm not sure I really want to go back to a close relationship. Look what it got me the last time! And knowing that he has done NOTHING to repair it continues to reinforce my belief that I'm just 'filling a slot' in his life - doesn't really matter what I think, say, feel, or do, just be a "wife." The IC indicates that she will be referring us for Imago therapy - anyone with any experience? So..........I've been working my tail off for the big party this weekend, and am really looking forward to it. I know that he is tense about it - his g/f will be there, he probably thinks his behavior will be closely monitored. Yeh..you probably think I'm crazy for leaving her on the guest list. BUT, I should say that I would rather be the bigger person than to dis-include her. After all, SHE didn't do anything wrong! My husband, however, couldn't keep his hands off her. I guess I wanted for everyone else to see that she wasn't his 'girlfriend', but most already know what went on (they didn't really need any explanation ). There is a part of me, I wil admit, that wishes she WASN'T coming, just so I could relax a little more. She's not a threat to ME, but rather, to our marriage - my husband has very strong feelings for her (obviously). Oh well, live and learn - there IS no 'knight in shining armor' - people WILL let you down. If there's one thing I've learned after having him burst my bubble, its that you cannot predict, change, or wish for something different when it comes to someone ELSE'S behavior. I know what I want, and I also know what I do NOT want in a husband. This man has shown me that he has very little understanding of empathy, and has demonstrated that he is capable of both emotional and physical abuse in a 'loving relationship.' It will be great to have all my friends, family, and co-workers around this weekend. I've been getting excited calls all week from those who are very much looking forward to the bash. I'm not going to spend the evening worrying about whether or not my H thinks I'm a special person. I do, and thats enough. He is incapable of being the person that I need, and I should not look for it from him, but rather look within myself to find out why it is I don't feel I deserve better treatment from my husband. The shirt I'm wearing says "Save a Wave, Ride a Surfer." Anyone in Michigan is invited - we have well over 100 people attending, and I have no idea who a third (at least) of them are! I'll post with an update when I recover.
Blind Illusion Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 Love the shirt!!! Even more, I love your attitude and probably need to "borrow" a little of it. Actually, this was a great post to read this morning because I find myself married to the same kind of man who is also incapable of empathy. Lately, he is intolerable. I find that as I adopt the attitude of taking care of me and living life, not worried about all his little outbursts, he gets even worse. I can't worry about that though. Lately, I have also got back into the thinking if he was a different person, things would be different in my life. Your post reminded me that *I* can make my life different and I shouldn't wait for him to act in a better way. (Chances are he isn't) Have a great time at your luau tomorrow.. PS...I think the girlfriend is a bit nuts for actually coming. PSS..Save many waves. :) Just kidding!
Mz. Pixie Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 She's coming?? WTF??? You're doing great JG!! You've come a long way baby. Have a great time at your party!
Author jonesgirly Posted July 19, 2006 Author Posted July 19, 2006 Our Annual Summer Party (Luau) was this past Saturday evening, and all went well. No raving lunatic this year! My husband drank very little - just a few beers, and several people remarked that he seemed more social than usual. He also was smiling an awful lot (people noticed that too). I wish he was more like that all the time. Link to pictures for the seriously bored: http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/cjonesjag/album?.dir=f300re2&.src=ph&store=&prodid=&.done=http%3a//photos.yahoo.com/ph//my_photos The only time he said anything remotely 'icky' to me was when I was gone for a short time when one of the guys got pulled over by the cops for 'drunk walking' to the gas station up the street. I was with his wife, and we were getting him settle in to their car (and taking the keys, of course)! He asked me when I returned: "where have you been for so long?", and I explained. The most noticeable thing to me was that............his G/F didn't show up! And I find it very odd. She had seemed excited to be invited (in emails he had forwarded to me). He said that when she came up to his work a month ago (to show him the 'baby' - on a Saturday of course), she indicated that she would be attending. I was really surprised (and suspicious) that she wasn't there. I asked him later if he had told her not to come. He said that he hadn't, but I have a gut feeling that he did (and realize I will NEVER know the truth). There could also be a simple explanation, like, ummm..whatever. I truly believe that he would've been seriously stressed out if she had attended, and may have tried to 'eliminate' one stressor. She had sent him an email with a picture of her kid with the message "check this out", about six weeks ago. He had forwarded it to me, and I had been wondering if he'd replied to it. The night before the Luau, I asked him if he had (replied), and he said that "he couldn't remember." Of course, thats a load of rat-crap and I know it. I replied to him - "that is an assinine answer", and left it at that. My IC has asked me several times why I don't seem to feel like I deserve 'real answers', and this was the first time I actually replied in an appropriate manner. His lying to my face USED to make me crazy - now I just know its happening because his lips are moving. But it doesn't bother me. I've kinda resolved myself to the knowledge I've gained over the last year. Thought I'd just update those who've been with me all this time! Let me know what you think about the g/f no-show.
jmargel Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Honestly why are you still playing these games? You mention how you are done with him yet you still are living in his little fantasy world. Last time I checked a marriage only consisted of two people, not three. He still has you in his life and he knows it. He continues to disrespect you to the point of sharing her life with you. You are so brainwashed into thinking you are in control however you invited her to YOUR party? You won't be able to move on with your life until you push him & her out of yours. That means file for divorce, move out of the apartment and have NC with him unless it's divorce related. The reason why he quit the counseling and the marriage is because of his immaturity. Good chance at his age he'll be immature for the rest of his life, however that should no longer be a concern of yours. You need to start rebuilding YOUR life. It just seems like you are hanging onto whatever he gives you though you try to coat it so that you believe you are in total control of the situation. However you are kidding yourself. Make short-term goals on what you want to accomplish. Such as setting a date on moving out, setting a date to file for divorce. Setting a date to start the NC. Setting a date on when you are going to start on move on with YOUR life without him.
Author jonesgirly Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 JM......when I first read your post I thought, "geez...who pissed in your Wheaties this morning?" But having taken some time to think about your message, I can see your point in many ways. Your comment that I was 'still playing games' kinda stung, as I did not think this whole mess was a 'game' I was participating in. I HAVE done things to detach myself (a.k.a., SAVE myself) from him. I live in the lower-level apartment of our home now, which was really a baby-step for me towards living at another address. Your correct that he continues his disrespect of me. <thumping my head against brick wall> In many more ways than I even disclose here. <increase pace of thumping> The thing is, is that it would be much easier for me to just move out, move on, and divorce the scoundrel! However, I would always look back and wonder if I had done everything possible to rebuild the relationship. I know at this point "I" have been the ONLY one taking any initiative to stay together. I have changed in soooo many ways over this past year - I can't help but wonder if it is just in preparation for the 'inevitable'??? (split). I am much more self-protective with myself in his presence, and he is starting to realize this. Of course its a negative thing in his mind - that I've become so detached that I won't 'allow' him to do anything (as if he's done loads of positive things!). I do see his selfishness, his arrogance, his delusions of grandeur , and wonder how in the hell anyone could have a real relationship with this person. I'll readily admit NOW that it was a bad move to insist on inviting her to our party. At the time, I didn't want it to 'appear' as though I was some kind of raving, jealous wife. When party-day arrived, though, I was less that same 'person', and more pragmatic about how I REALLY didn't want her there. For whatever reason, she was a no-show. I do wish that if my H did contact her and ask her not to attend, he would've told me, and included me in on his little fantasy world. You're right that I've got absolutely NO control over his behavior/reactions in this situation. I have really learned to accept this over the past year, and have found it to be a very 'freeing' feeling. When you first learn that your marriage is really NOT something you have control over (when a spouse/SO decides to stray), your first reaction is to attempt to regain control over every aspect of your relationship. Its exhausting going over all the details, the calendar dates, the phone records, etc., in an attempt to make sense of SOMEONE ELSE'S behavior. I do realize that he would quit his counseling (and his marriage also) because of his immaturity. Yes, he is quite immature, and may stay that way forever. Not my problem, and I don't intend on 'helping' him with this issue. He's used up about all the 'florence nightingale' I can muster, and I'm not willing to sacrifice myself for another person. I believe that it is HIS turn to do some growing-up and look outside at the chaos he's created...with me, his children, my kid, and our friends. I no longer feel in a state of 'shock' that my "soulmate" could be so reckless with me....there is no such thing as a "soulmate', and neither one of us is so 'special' that we cannot move on. I HAVE gone NC with his irrational behavior and words. I no longer tolerate his cruelty, and pretty much avoid talking to him about anything that is near-and-dear to me simply out of fear of further damage. I told him recently that I do not "talk" to him about a LOT of things. He ask me why (after walking out of the room, and then returning a half hour later), and I told him that he was "high risk." When he told me that he was 'trying not to be' and wondered why I couldn't. The only thing I said was that he "was NOT low-risk" for me. I don't know if he understood or not, but didn't really care to go into it any more.
Author jonesgirly Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 JM......when I first read your post I thought, "geez...who pissed in your Wheaties this morning?" But having taken some time to think about your message, I can see your point in many ways. Your comment that I was 'still playing games' kinda stung, as I did not think this whole mess was a 'game' I was participating in. I HAVE done things to detach myself (a.k.a., SAVE myself) from him. I live in the lower-level apartment of our home now, which was really a baby-step for me towards living at another address. Your correct that he continues his disrespect of me. <thumping my head against brick wall> In many more ways than I even disclose here. <increase pace of thumping> The thing is, is that it would be much easier for me to just move out, move on, and divorce the scoundrel! However, I would always look back and wonder if I had done everything possible to rebuild the relationship. I know at this point "I" have been the ONLY one taking any initiative to stay together. I have changed in soooo many ways over this past year - I can't help but wonder if it is just in preparation for the 'inevitable'??? (split). I am much more self-protective in his presence, and he is starting to realize this. Of course its a negative thing in his mind - that I've become so detached that I won't 'allow' him to do anything (as if he's done loads of positive things!). I do see his selfishness, his arrogance, his delusions of grandeur , and wonder how in the hell anyone could have a real relationship with this person. I'll readily admit NOW that it was a bad move to insist on inviting her to our party. At the time, I didn't want it to 'appear' as though I was some kind of raving, jealous wife. When party-day arrived, though, I was less that same 'person', and more pragmatic about how I REALLY didn't want her there. For whatever reason, she was a no-show. I do wish that if my H did contact her and ask her not to attend, he would've told me, and included me in on his little fantasy world. You're right that I've got absolutely NO control over his behavior/reactions in this situation. I have really learned to accept this over the past year, and have found it to be a very 'freeing' feeling. When you first learn that your marriage is really NOT something you have control over (when a spouse/SO decides to stray), your first reaction is to attempt to regain control over every aspect of your relationship. Its exhausting going over all the details, the calendar dates, the phone records, etc., in an attempt to make sense of SOMEONE ELSE'S behavior. I do realize that he would quit his counseling (and his marriage also) because of his immaturity. Yes, he is quite immature, and may stay that way forever. Not my problem, and I don't intend on 'helping' him with this issue. He's used up about all the 'florence nightingale' I can muster, and I'm not willing to sacrifice myself for another person. I believe that it is HIS turn to do some growing-up and look outside at the chaos he's created...with me, his children, my kid, and our friends. I no longer feel in a state of 'shock' that my "soulmate" could be so reckless with me....there is no such thing as a "soulmate', and neither one of us is so 'special' that we cannot move on. I HAVE gone NC with his irrational behavior and words. I no longer tolerate his cruelty, and pretty much avoid talking to him about anything that is near-and-dear to me simply out of fear of further damage. I told him recently that I do not "talk" to him about a LOT of things. He asked me why (after walking out of the room, and then returning a half hour later), and I told him that he was "high risk." He said that he was 'trying not to be' and wondered why I couldn't talk about more things. The only thing I said was that he "was NOT low-risk" for me. I don't know if he understood or not, but didn't really care to go into it any more. I appreciate your reply JM, as wounding as it may have felt at first. You've got good points, and sometimes people need the whole-grain version of the truth, rather than the sugar-coated story. Oh, I fixed my link to pics in first post - I guess you gotta make them 'public' in order to share (plus, I just made them bigger so you can actually view them)
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