My girlfriend wants a break...what do i do?????

[AchilleS]

My girlfried of 14 months told me when i came back from my vacation that she wants to take a break. Before my vacation we were arguing alot and had many unhappy times and i kind of see where she is coming from and why she wants this break. She also mentioned that she's confused and does not know what she is feeling. I told her that i care for her alot and i love her and i want to do anything possible to make things better like how it used to be. She told me that she still wants the break and i am left in the dark waiting for her decision. I have consulted my friends and they have said let her have some space and dont pressure her or else things may turn out ugly. I asked her if there is another guy but she has said no and i trust and believe her. We have talked after she said that she wanted her break, but it was her that msged me or called me. After each conversation, I ask her "umm so when will i hear from you next?" and she says that she'll contact me the following day or soon. Does asking that question pressure her?? or does it come across to her as me being desperate?? I love her alot and i want her back. Please give me some advice on what i should do? I really want her back and i cant bear to lose her.

Thanks alot

[gfto]

Sorry to say it, but she has already made her decision. You've been dumped. "I want to take a break" means "I am no longer interested in you." And, yes, when you asked her "when will I hear from you again?" you sounded very desperate. I'm not trying to sound negative, but the truth is harsh sometimes. There probably is another guy. If not, she'll have one very soon. Of course, she'll play the string you along with limited contact game until she finds her next boyfriend. But, you don't have to play that game. You have the option to just disappear and cut contact completely.

[Shane361]

Sorry to say it, but she has already made her decision. You've been dumped. "I want to take a break" means "I am no longer interested in you." And, yes, when you asked her "when will I hear from you again?" you sounded very desperate. I'm not trying to sound negative, but the truth is harsh sometimes. There probably is another guy. If not, she'll have one very soon. Of course, she'll play the string you along with limited contact game until she finds her next boyfriend. But, you don't have to play that game. You have the option to just disappear and cut contact completely.

 

 

I couldnt have said it better. You need to get over her and move on.-shane

[AchilleS]

But how do you know that she wants to break up. Maybe she just wants to patch things up and just talk like normally without any arguments and then see how things are. Like how would you know?? and she swore to me that there is not another guy.

[Guest]

She said she is confused and does not know. She said she wants a brake. Now you just be a man and suck it up and let her move on. If you have any chance of getting her back which is doubtful it will be because she sees you have moved on with your life and pay her little or no attention. If a girl EVER told me that I wouldnt think twice about her. I would tell her well when you figure it out let me know and thats the end of it.-Shane

[AchilleS]

So i just dont talk to her. What if she starts to talk to me?? then what? "Of course, she'll play the string you along with limited contact game - gfto said this" she has been talkin to me. Like everyday on MSN sometimes on the phone though. It's mostly her calling and messaging.

[Yamaha]

The best thing you can do is cut contact. Give her space. If she wants to be with you she will let you know but the odds of that are slim.

 

Do not pester her and if she calls keep the conversations short. Tell her your busy and end your conversations with her first. Let her think you are doing find without her and if she misses you she might be interested enough to try again. I would continue your life though like she is not coming back because this is the usual outcome from wanting space.

[richardcruz]

Achilles:

Please read the followin very carefully. I was actually going to go to sleep and log off right before I read your thread and I knew I had to post ASAP. Again read carefully. THERE ISN'T ANYTHING YOU CAN SAY OR DO AT THIS POINT TO BRING HER BACK. This is truly the best advice I can give you. Read the bold text over and over to yourself. When you come up with something that you think might change the outcome i.e. calling her, sending a card, going to her house, talking to her family, IMing her, writing her a letter, talking to her friends..whatever it maybe, read the bolded text. Trust me when I tell you that you wil be wasting your energy. There isn't a combination of words you can say that will change things. Also, reminding her about memories that you two shared also doesn't work. Now I am not saying that all hope of her ever coming back is lost, I'm just saying that this is a decision that she wil need to do completely on her own. She decided on her own to leave you, so it will be her that will also decide to look you up. GFTO was absolutely right. You have been dumped. The sooner you can accept that the sooner you can begin to move on with your life. Sticking around in the picture will only cause you severe pain and will push her further away. I read your thread and I see myself 4 months ago when my ex told me she needed space. 4 months later of me being treated like s**t, persistently calling and txting her, crying and telling her I need her, and all that other useless crap I did and yet the same outcome...She isn't back with me. I wish had ran into this forum when my break up intially happended. That way I could have handled things differently. I know it seems that alot of us are being extremely blunt with you but believe me when I tell you that it is for your own good. We are really trying to help you because many of us have been through the same thing you are going through. Because she still continues to contact you, tell her calmly that you want to respect her space and you feel that you guys should stop talking so she can have time to think things over clearly and have her space. Once you have told her this. Do not contact her in any way, shape or form! This is the hard part that will alot of determination and support from others.This is really the best thing to do at this point. Read my thread to see all the things you shouldn't do at this phase, as I pretty much did them all and just made things worse. I completely feel for you, as your situation (even down to the "I need space" bs) is so similiar to mine. Its going to be a tough time for you but you'll make it through. Keep posting and stay busy. We are all here for you. Oh.. and read the bolded text again.

[richardcruz]

Oh. I forgot. Im sure you truly love her. I know it seems that this was never meant to happen to you. I know she probably meant more to you than any girl in the world. I know you feel that alot of what everyone is posting doesn't apply to you because your relationship was different and your love was deeper that anyone elses. I know you feel that you have to have her back because there will never be anyone else that will be quite like her. I know this because I felt the same way. My ex was my soulmate and we were already planning our future together. She was the woman that I was to marry and spend the rest of my life with (pretty deep huh). I took me months just to accept that this had happended to me. I hated waking up every morning because I hate to face the fact that she had left me and I ws in denial. Believe me we have all been there before and many of us intially were in the same state of mind that you are right now. Read through alot of these threads. Its really good stuff and will help you start to cope with your loss. Stay Strong

[AchilleS]

ok so then next time i talk to her, i am just gunna tell her that shes right in having her break and that i want to have one also to think things over as well and it will be the best for both of us and then i just stop talking to her?? first off wont she think of me as a jackass?? like ok i understand that she doesn't want to be with me anymore, but then it just screws up a potential friend. it could go the other way and she comes back but if she doesn't then i have just left a bad impression of myself to her, which i feel is not the right thing. i dont know, any input on this???

[richardcruz]

Ok. alot of the steps your going to have to take are going to feel like your going against the grain and aren't exactly going to feel like you are doing the right thing. But thats just the way it is. You don't necessarily have to look at it whether she is right or wrong about wanting a break, because it doesn't really matter. You don't have to tell her that you agree with her reasons for wanting a break because you probably don't. Bottom line is that she asked for a break and you have no choice other than to walk away. If you try to convince her that she is not right in wanting a break, its not going to make a difference as her mind is already made up and it will probably push her away from you further. As far as bieng "potential" friends, I personally think this is a bad idea. There have been many people in LS that have remained "friends" with their exes for 8 months only to realize that they wasted there time and put themselves through alot of hurt when they found out that there ex was starting to see someone else. Don't worry so much about what she thinks of you. Obviously she didn't take into account whether you would see her as a "jackass" or whether she would leave a "bad impression on you" by her asking for space. Its time to start thinking about yourself.

[surrealrain]

I think it has been mostly men replying to your question, so I think you need to hear from a girl. Last year I told my boyfriend I needed a break. We were fighting a lot, and I was unsure about my feelings. It didn't mean that I was dumping him. It didn't mean that I didn't miss him like hell. It just meant that I was going through a lot at the time, and the fighting was just to much to handle. After awhile I decided that I was better off with him.

Just because she told you she wanted a break doesn't mean she wants to leave you. She just needs to figure things out. If she didn't care about you she would end it, and not "take a break". It means she's unsure. Which means that you still have something to work with. Nows the time to be romatic and sweep her off her feet.

[AchilleS]

ok im confused now. on one hand there are opinions for me not have any contact with her and not to dwell on her and on the other hand there are opinions to be "romantic" and "sweep her off her feet". i am getting mixed messages, to stay or not to stay. i understand that she needs some space and i need to get on with my life. should i or shouldn't i still contact her. i have had so many opinions on talking to her and so many opinions on not talking to her and cutting her off completely. i still have feelings for her its not like i dont want her back, but if she has given me the cold shoulder in taking a break, shouldn't i give her a dose of her own medicine? should i play along and let her miss me? if she does that is.

im confusedddd ??

 

p.s what do you think of this..i got this from a different forum...

 

"So, what to do? Give her the break. In fact, it probably wouldn't hurt to tell her that you have been rethinking things and that you need a break too. Then cut off all the ways she can contact you, and make a point of not contacting her. That will kick her off the fence, for better or worse. It is painful, and it is so tempting to make yourself available - but your availability is what got her on the fence in the first place.

Take yourself out of the equation and she will be forced to make a choice about it. When she does get back in touch I think it is a good idea to say to her that you have thought it over and decided this decision will be good for both of you. Don't be cold to her, but don't be emotional. Just be accepting, be gracious if you can manage that. Let her know that you've thought about it a great deal, but stop there and don't offer her any further information. Change the subject, shorten the conversation, you're busy, you have to be somewhere. Are you getting my drift? Let it be for her to decide and make no attempt to be in touch with her.

I think this is the kind of reaction she will not expect and it may get her thinking."

[AchilleS]

oh and another thing, whenever we talk she's the one who mentions that she'll call or IM me, is this a sign that she still wants to be with me or what??

 

like for example today she talked to me and she ended the convo by saying i'll call you later on tonight or IM you tonight...

 

and also when she told me that she wanted a break she mentioned that since we were fighting alot before, she said that we'll talk as freinds see how much we can patch up and then maybe see....is there hope??

[Rob In NC]

Man, I've been there. Listen to me. DO NOT CALL HER UP! Seriously. She is breaking up with you. Your best chance to bust her ego is to act like you don't care, even if you feel like crying. If she calls you, be nice. But don't start saying "I love you baby. I miss you so much. Do you remember that great trip we had?" Just be cool and short. Ask her how she has been, but don't ask to many questions. LISTEN!!!!! I know it's hard, but don't contact her. It will push her away.

 

There will also be a time soon when you will start feeling resentment towards her for putting you through hell. DON'T FLY OFF THE HANDLE! If you get to that point and she calls you, just be calm and cool, even if you feel like telling the bitch to jump off a cliff. If you start dating another girl, don't try to throw it in her face. Be civil about it. If you throw it in her face, she will screw one of your friends or somebody you can't stand.

[richardcruz]

Its confusing, I know. When I first joined this forum, i noticed that there was always some posters that would post there opinion that contrasted completely from what everyone else was saying, but that is the beauty of this forum. Here you will receive an unbiased view of what others think of what you have disclosed to us in regards to your situation. Everyone ones opinion will be slightly different because alot of there opinion wil be based on the experiences of those close to them as well as their own.

 

Now going back to what your question "Is there hope?" We'll it is possible. But it is something that cannot be decided by you. Only she can decided whether its something she really wants and looks you up again. This is one of those things in life were you really need to leave alone and let it be. By nature, I have always been extremely driven and have always believed that I manifest my destiny but breakups do not function the same. Im sure you really love her but at this point the best thing to do is to step back and let her be. If its a decision she needs to make, she needs to be alone to make it so she can experience what it is like to not have you in the picture and to truly appreciate your worth. Coincidently my ex also told me the same "lets be friends and see where it takes us." Slowly but surely she started treating me worse and worse as time went own because she knew I was there waiting for her. Sticking around for hope is like signing up for a raffle and camping out next to the raffle jar for the next six months until the drawing to see if your name gets pulled. Wouldn't you feel worse if you dropped everything around you for several months only to find out that your ticket wasn't pulled, whereas you could have just as easily dropped your ticket in the jar, gone home and gotten on with your life.

[Confused5433]

I was in that same situation as your girlfriend. I asked for a break because our relationship was consuming my life and I needed to breath and take care of my business before I could take care of him. Maybe this is what happened with your girlfriend, she was very overwhelmed by the fights and arguments and she needs this time to think about her priorities in her life. Don't feel discouraged and hopeless that this is the end.

If anything this will give her time to miss you and really appreciate who she has despite the fights. If I was her I wouldn't want you to call me back. Instead make her miss so much that she has no choice but to pick up the phone and get a hold of you. One very important point, make sure before you go on the NC plan to assure her that you love her with all your heart and that you will wait for an answer.

Meanwhile go on life doing what you must and wait....It's tough I know, but if she truly cares for you she won't go long before getting a hold of you. If she never does then she was not the one and she had a change of hearts.

 

I wouldn't suggest calling her, but maybe communicating through IM only if she reaches you first ( you do nothing) and once in a while send her an email wishing her well and that you still think about her. But make the contact minimal to non-existant and MAKE HER MISS YOU.

 

This is what made realize how much I missed my ex when he was no longer there, but then again my story was more complicated.

 

Good luck and I hope this helps a little.

[AchilleS]

yea im not losing hope that she'll come back to me, but i am slowly turning my life around and doing what im doing. the funny thing is that she wanted the break, but she still msg's me and keeps in contact with me??

[gfto]

Last year I told my boyfriend I needed a break. We were fighting a lot, and I was unsure about my feelings. It didn't mean that I was dumping him. It didn't mean that I didn't miss him like hell. It just meant that I was going through a lot at the time, and the fighting was just to much to handle. After awhile I decided that I was better off with him.

 

Exactly. You told him you "needed a break." Then, sure enough, you got rid of him.

[gfto]

I was in that same situation as your girlfriend. I asked for a break because our relationship was consuming my life and I needed to breath and take care of my business before I could take care of him.

****

This is what made realize how much I missed my ex when he was no longer there, but then again my story was more complicated.

 

So.....

Did you get back together with him? If so, are you as crazy about him as you were when you first started dating him?

[Spurned]

I'm of the belief that partners in a committed, loving, and mature relationship do not "take a break" to work on their problems.

 

These posts from people who "took a break" from their partners just lend credence to the fact it's human nature for people who leave their partners to want them to sit around pining for them and to feel miserable.

 

Based on my experiences, trying to sweep someone off her feet is exactly what you should NOT do. That works in a small percentage of situations, and quite honestly, any person who expects her dumped partner to try to win her back with "sweetness" and "love" is either consciously or subconsciously playing a cruel and immature game. And that person is not worth pursuing.

 

When you are dumped, you should withdraw. That is the most reasonable course of action, as I've come to learn.

 

Listen to what gfto is trying to say.

[YellowLioness]

I'm of the belief that partners in a committed, loving, and mature relationship do not "take a break" to work on their problems.

 

These posts from people who "took a break" from their partners just lend credence to the fact it's human nature for people who leave their partners to want them to sit around pining for them and to feel miserable.

 

Based on my experiences, trying to sweep someone off her feet is exactly what you should NOT do. That works in a small percentage of situations, and quite honestly, any person who expects her dumped partner to try to win her back with "sweetness" and "love" is either consciously or subconsciously playing a cruel and immature game. And that person is not worth pursuing.

 

When you are dumped, you should withdraw. That is the most reasonable course of action, as I've come to learn.

 

Listen to what gfto is trying to say.

 

Out of any post I've read, this one seems the most "right" to me for this situation. When someone tells you they don't want to be around you, and you ignore their request, this will probably make them mad.

 

This is true of girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever.

 

Also, if you really love someone, you will not ever want to hurt them by taking a break from them. This is because when something is real, you know there is nothing better, there is nothing else to search for, and you also realize that everyone has problems, and there is no point in running from them.

 

Therefore, if your girlfriend makes a request, respect her by honoring that request. However, if her constantly contacting you is causing you pain, then you may ask her to respect YOUR feelings by leaving YOU alone so YOU can heal.

 

Sometimes, you just have to take care of your self, and do what is best for you. It does not make you a bad person to take care of yourself. After all, your girlfriend does not care about your feelings right now- she is taking care of herself and only herself.

[gfto]

trying to sweep someone off her feet is exactly what you should NOT do. That works in a small percentage of situations

 

It works in the movies and on television.

[konfused]

The only thing we can offer you now is compassion. Here's one of my favorites.

 

He has seen but half the universe who has never been shown the house of pain.

R.W. Emerson

[AchilleS]

at this moment so many things are going through my mind, does she want to stay with me or not? does she have the same feelings for me as before or not? regardless if she asked for the break.. if she asked for a break and for her space then why is she contacting me still? why at the end of every conversation we have she is the one that says i'll talk to u tomorrow? my feeling is that if she didnt care for me or didnt have the same feelings or close to it then she would have dumped me instead of asking for a break. this question is continuously running through my mind. why didnt she dump me instead of taking a break if she truly did not want to be with me anymore?